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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

when a child older than 15 leaves home against their better judgement

44 replies

losingdd · 31/08/2006 00:52

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Californifrau · 31/08/2006 00:56

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Molesworth · 31/08/2006 00:56

Tbh losingdd, there isn't anything you can do I'm so sorry but she is going to have to find out for herself ... I would think any attempt to stop her or force the situation from you will only make her even more determined.

Going through something similar with my 15 yr old dd. I really do feel for you {{{ losingdd }}}

Original poster
losingdd · 31/08/2006 01:00

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Molesworth · 31/08/2006 01:03

The "real" dd will shine through in the end though - have faith that that will happen ... and remember that although her choices now are breaking your heart, you have raised a young woman who feels strong enough to make her own decisions now, even if you know they are bad ones. She will learn from this and come out the other side stronger and wiser.

And yes I am trying to convince myself as much as you, but what good can it do to dwell on the worst possible outcome?

Molesworth · 31/08/2006 01:03

I'm so sorry about your mum by the way Sending hugs your way x

Original poster
losingdd · 31/08/2006 01:08

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nappyaddict · 31/08/2006 01:54

i was just wondering where she is going to live? also i thought you had to be 17 to leave home without parental consent? hope it all gets better soon x

Original poster
losingdd · 31/08/2006 03:08

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nappyaddict · 31/08/2006 03:52

i don't know if you would want to do this but if she leaves without consent under the age of 17 ou can report her missing to the police who can then force her to come back home, but this may make things worse.

Original poster
losingdd · 01/09/2006 09:02

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prettybird · 01/09/2006 09:15

If she is 15 and her boyfriendn is having sex with her, then isn't he illegally having underage sex?

Do you have any evidence that he is supplying her with drugs?

The police might be a bit more interested with those facts - but it may casue you issues with your dd. How much do you want her away from this guy? Or is she going to "learn" more thorugh her own mistakes?

prettybird · 01/09/2006 09:16

Sorry - just read the title properly - your dd is older than 15

Molesworth · 01/09/2006 09:18

I think she is 16 prettybird, but even if she was 15 it's incredible how little the police are prepared to do if the child is consenting (in my experience at least). Certainly though if the child is under 16 and you could prove that drugs are being supplied then they might take action on the drugs. But I doubt that would bring the child back: quite likely it would alienate her even more.

Original poster
losingdd · 01/09/2006 09:23

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Original poster
losingdd · 01/09/2006 09:25

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Molesworth · 01/09/2006 09:27

I think it's fair to ask for the door key back, if she is using it to come in when she feels like it and cause mayhem. However, if she wants to do something nice with her little brother surely that's a positive thing? Sorry if I'm missing something here, are you worried she won't take him for a milkshake but might take him back to the boyfriend's place instead?

Original poster
losingdd · 01/09/2006 09:30

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Molesworth · 01/09/2006 09:30

That's fair enough then, I would do the same too

Original poster
losingdd · 02/09/2006 18:39

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smeeinit · 02/09/2006 21:44

losingdd,i truly symapthise with you. my 16yr old ds moved out to live with his gf and her parents in may.it has been really tough on all of us as he went against my will.but i have to be honest and say that it really is working out for the best now.
hes a sensible lad and is carrying on with his life as he did with me but in someone elses home!
although i dont have the drug prob with him that you have with your dd.
i do know just what your going through and send you big hugs.

Original poster
losingdd · 02/09/2006 21:48

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CountTo10 · 02/09/2006 22:11

See I'm dreading this in the future with mine especially seeing what my mum went through with my little brother 15 on. He morphed from fantastic lad to total nightmare in 24hrs virtually. Several family deaths and other situations bought it on in the end I think but none of us could do anything to stop the spiral of self destruction he was on. Drugs, theft, left school with horrendous gcse's it went on and on. In the end my mum had to kick him out, he didn't work for ages and just bummed around. Then something clicked in him and he started to settle down. He got a job, cut out the drugs and began cleaning up his act. He's now 18 and back at home temporarily and back to his old self - a total joy to be around. My mum went to hell and back with him and there was nothing any of us could do - he had to do it himself. My mum used to call the police when he didn't come in at night and it didn't do anything to help. I totally feel for you and everything you're going through but all I can say is however heart rending it is, you have to stand firm on what you're doing and stand in the backgound as the support figure and let go a bit. Easy to say but hopefully she will realise what is happening and come back from it. Unfortunately there is very little help out there officially for 16's and over unless they are prepared to go and get it for themselves. I would advise speaking to your local family police unit to see if there is any support they can give re her boyfriend and the drugs thing. Massive hugs for you as I know from watching my own mum what a difficult time this must be for you.

nulnulcat · 02/09/2006 22:11

i left home at 16 to live with a boyfriend, was drinking loads taking drugs and generally upsetting my mum anyway i could, by my mid 20s i had got fed up of getting stoned. one of my sisters was the same we are both now in our mid 30s with kids of our own and get on great with our mum. for us it was all about growing up and independence and in my case i had forgotten about the boyfriend by the end of my first week at uni - i met someone else at the freshers ball! so much for 1st love!!

am not trying to make light of your situation just saying what its like from someone who did what your daughter did and then grew up!

littleducks · 02/09/2006 22:40

I left home 3 days after my 16 birthday, my parents were great really i just wanted more independence which they quite rightly felt i was too young for, let her go but make it clear that you would always welcome her back, it doesnt matter if she mucks up a bit, education wise etc. colleges and uni are supportive of older students nowadays, try and let her spend time with her bro but obv in a situation you can control.

Boyfriend prob using her to increase his status on housing list, he sounds like a bastard in time she will realise that.

It must be hard i feel so guilty for what i did to my mum, just make it clear you will always help no matter what so when it gets tough she feels like she can come home.

runkid · 02/09/2006 22:50

LDD, have you talked to Addaction or Drugline they may be able to give you some advice im sure you already know this