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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD is hurt over DH and birthday?

35 replies

mumtoateen · 08/05/2014 21:12

DD turns 15 in 11 days. She's started to complain that her dad never gets involved in present buying. She says it "hurts" because DH never does anything more than watch her open them. I see her point, but DH is busy, and never really gets involved.
What do I do? Don't know who to go with, DH is useless with girls (3 sons), but on the other had, DD seems to be pretty hurt by this, and he never even signs her card. Any advice?

OP posts:
Gileswithachainsaw · 08/05/2014 21:16

Your dh needs to make an effort. He's too busy to sign her card? That's give seconds.

And as for being rubbish with girls, well that's a pathetic excuse, what is so amazingly different that he can't find anything in common with her. A film, a singer/band, paint balling?

There must be some common ground. Teens rarely want to spend time with their parents so he should grab it while he can tbh. You need to tell him blow much he's upsetting her and stop using being busy or her gender as an excuse.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/05/2014 21:16

Tell him how

Original poster
mumtoateen · 08/05/2014 21:19

Giles, I would try, but DH really is bad Confused
By bad I mean;
He only talks about school or golf. Not a lot else really.

OP posts:
OftheTwilighttheDarkness · 08/05/2014 21:22

Have you discussed it with your DH? Does he know how she feels? Do they ever do stuff together. My DH and DD(14) attend an annual event together and have occasional lunch / cinema trips. He also probably does most of the present buying.

Thinking back to when I was young I don't think my dad ever did present buying.

I think he needs to get his finger out tbh. Busy isn't really an excuse now we have the internet.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/05/2014 21:25

A film wouldn't involve talking

How on earth did he manage 15 years with a dd?
Has he never been left alone with her? Me thinks he just can't be bothered, unless he's never stayed home with her alone ever, he's managed before to talk to and entertain her

AlpacaLypse · 08/05/2014 21:26

Does DH bother with your sons' birthdays? If he can't be arsed with those either, then at least dd can share the misery of dad being a useless shite with them.

DP and I have just the one pair of twin dds, and he tends to leave the final choice of gifts/treats with me - but he will usually make some suggestions and always takes on the job of finding and writing the birthdays cards, which I just sign!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 08/05/2014 21:28

Could he come up with a box set of something they woukd both enjoy watching together? DH does this regularly with DD and it works well.

Naoko · 08/05/2014 21:32

There has to be something he can do. 'Busy' and 'useless with girls' are copouts. He needs to try. He doesn't have to be perfect, I am sure your DD would feel a lot better if there was evidence of him trying. She's old enough to understand that people find some things hard, and observe when an effort is being made (and also when it is really not - no one is so busy they don't have time to sign a card.). Tell your DH that. He needs to sign her card, and think about what he could do to show your - and his! - DD he cares. If he doesn't have time to go into town and pick her a present, could he send her flowers? He could do that online. I always used to get flowers from my dad on my birthday and I loved that. Anyway, he could buy her a gift online, too.

And he could try to show an interest in stuff she's thinking about. That's where the 'making an effort' comes in. If he only talks about school or golf now, that doesn't mean that can't change if he wants to. What does DD like? Ask him to think about that, and see if they can't find common ground or interests. He has to put in a bit of work here.

What was his reaction to her feeling hurt?

Original poster
mumtoateen · 08/05/2014 21:34

He just said the useless with girls speech.
Taking her shopping before her birthday with joint money surely that could count?

OP posts:
cathyandclaire · 08/05/2014 21:44

I don't think my DH has EVER bought/chosen a present for our DDs, he loves them, is interested in them, but is a hopeless shopper- and fifteen year old girl tastes are a mystery to him!
However I reckon he could manage a trip to get some goodies from Hotel Chocolat, some perfume, or failing that, could you get together a short-list of pressie ideas, so that he can choose and something and order online ( addressed to him in case DD spots the parcels.)
He also loves forcing the DDs to watch eighties/nineties films that he enjoyed... Top Gun, Four Weddings etc... the girls have loved some of them.

Chocaholicmonster · 09/05/2014 21:31

Hi mumtoateen

Growing up my Mum always brought all my gifts & signed that they were from both her & my Dad. My Dad only ever brought me one gift himself (a small book) & since he's sadly now passed away, it's the one thing I treasure the most & will always keep & love. Therefore, your DH needs to understand just how important those small gestures really do mean. Maybe not today, or tomorrow.. but they will one day.

Couldn't he just make the effort on the way home from work (etc) & pick up something? Even if it's just something small? It'll mean more than he realises regardless of what it is or cost.

The very least he could do is sign his name in her card which will take a matter of seconds.

BackforGood · 09/05/2014 23:35

eh? seriously? who has time for both parents to trip out and get a present together ? what would be the point in that?
If any of my dc said that, they would be the ones getting the talking to, not my dh.

Pennyforthegal · 10/05/2014 00:02

My dh usually gets some sort if jewellery for dd... You can't go much wrong in a jewellers or monsoon, but at the same time dd shouldn't be complaining about presents.
He can start giving his own special card to her...I really don't get thus loss of identity that people have in marriage , you do not morph into one person .

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 10/05/2014 12:49

I think it's more than just not being involved in buying presents, I think she feels he is not involved at all.

He needs to spend much more time with her.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 10/05/2014 12:52

Sad My DDad always got a little secret gift for me and my sister at christmas and birthdays that even my mam didnt know about.

One year we all took the mickey as he bought my sister a gold necklace and I got some scotch tape and a dispenser. His argument was that I always do the wrapping gifts in our house and it would help. Turns out he must be an expert present buyer as its 15yo now and still getting brought out for present wrapping.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey · 10/05/2014 12:53

It sounds as if he doesn't actually know Dd. He also sounds as if he can't be arsed.

He needs to start taking her out by her self. My ex dp didn't really bother with dd1 but he starting taking her out around 14/15 and absolutely fell in love with her - through just sitting down and talking to herabout her

gymboywalton · 10/05/2014 12:55

Backforgood I agree with you! I think it's all bonkers!!!

MrsDavidBowie · 10/05/2014 13:02

I sort out presents in our house. I sign cards to the children. Not an issue.

MrsDavidBowie · 10/05/2014 13:02

I sort out presents in our house. I sign cards to the children. Not an issue.

justkeepplodding · 10/05/2014 13:04

This was me when I was your daughters age. I found it so upsetting. There were other issues between me and my dad but it really did feel like he couldn't be bothered with his only child's birthday.

It all came out one day (can't remember how know) and ever since he always writes in my card and gets me a present specifically from him aswell.

Honestly he should be more involved - it takes a minute to write a card and clearly it means a lot to your daughter.

justkeepplodding · 10/05/2014 13:07

*now

ajandjjmum · 10/05/2014 13:21

DH is actually very good at spending time with DD and also buying her a certain type of present. They go to the gym together, and he'll buy her sports clothes or a training bag. Also box sets that they watch together (obviously with anyone else who wants to!). I would try and get your DH to concentrate on getting a gift that will give them time together. Maybe an experience (hot air balloon?)

I nearly always do cards in our house and we talk about big presents, but I normally get presents. Partly because I enjoy the shopping!!!

This is more about your DH finding the time to develop a relationship with your DD - I suspect you may have to spell this out in words of one syllable! But it will be worth it - the father/daughter bond can be very special.

5madthings · 10/05/2014 13:24

I think this is about more thtan the presents, you say he only ttalks about school or golf?

Does he know nothing about her and her interests? Does he spend any time with her watching a film or tv or just talking about life, the news, ask how her day has been etc?

It seems like she feels he isn't interested in her full stop?

5madthings · 10/05/2014 13:26

And yes it takes a minute to sign a card! We both sign and do often makes up a silly rhyme or something jokey. It's two minutes effort but it's the thought.

stella69x · 10/05/2014 13:30

Is he any good at buying/doing things for you? I am guessing your female, so he must 'do' girls on some level else he wouldn't be with you.
(Of course that is all null and void if you are a same sex couple)