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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

giving morning after pill to someone elses daughter...

43 replies

DieselSpillage · 28/02/2014 21:24

Ds 15 just requested that I get a morning after pill for his girlfriend who is 13. He'd assured me that they weren't having sex as I'd already talked to him about how young she was. Apparently a condom split .

My moral dilema is her age. Should I tell her mum or do I just give them the pill and talk to them both about birth control and trust that she will talk to her mum if she wants to? Her mum is possibly going to be really pissed off that I've given her daughter this pill without telling her. I've never met her mum, they've only been together a few weeks.

OP posts:

ToughSpuds · 28/02/2014 21:28

So your DSs 13yo GF had sex with someone else?
I think you need to talk to her mum. Don't leave it up to her alone.

Hawkmoth · 28/02/2014 21:28

It might not be the only thing her mum is pissed off about...

It's not your place to do this, and it would be illegal to give it to her without her being seen by a health care professional.

littlebluedog12 · 28/02/2014 21:31

It's great that your DS came to you about this. But I think you have no choice but to tell her mum. She's a child.

ilovepowerhoop · 28/02/2014 21:31

The girl needs to see a gp for the morning after pill herself, you cant just pick one up for her. Your ds needs to realise that he could get prosecuted for statutory rape as she is under aged.

Kormachameleon · 28/02/2014 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToughSpuds · 28/02/2014 21:35

Kormachameleon I thought if they were both under the age of 16 no one would be charged?

OP If you believe they are having sex I would be having serious words with her parents too. 13 is way too young to be having sex surely?

NatashaBee · 28/02/2014 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smartiepants79 · 28/02/2014 21:38

She is 13 bloody hell! This scares the shit out of me.
You can't give her this, fairly sure it would be illegal. When her Mum finds out (she will) it will come back and bite you, big time.
I would be beyond livid if it was my daughter.
Also a very serious chat about the consequences of underage sex seems in order. It's very good that your son can confide in you but she is a child.
I just cannot comprehend children this young feeling even remotely ready for sex.

Nocomet · 28/02/2014 21:40

Honestly as the mother of a 13 and 16 y DDs I think I'd prefer someone organised her the MAP in the appropriate time window and then tackled the issue of her being too young to have sex.

Telling someone, not worrying and crossing fingers for a month, is surprisingly sensible for most teens.

meditrina · 28/02/2014 21:40

MAP should not be given to a young teen other than by a HCP (pharmacists won't sell). Please don't pretend it's for you - you have no idea if this child has any underlying medical issues.

Take her to her GP or an OOH doctor is that seems to be the only way in the short term. But this needs sorting out properly, and I think her parents need to know. Have to talked to the GF directly about any of this?

Northernlurker · 28/02/2014 21:45

Hmmmm. My oldest is 15, nearly 16. If she asked me to help one of her friends with this I would, but I would also help them talk to a parent unless I though that put them at risk. Apart from anything else the MAP may well make her sick and if she's sick too soon it won't work, plus there is the STD risk etc.
HOWEVER this is a 13 yr old child in what tbh sounds like a very casual relationship. She needs looking after, she is too young to do it herself and clearly isn't making good choices. Your son is older but what is he playing at having not very safe sex with this young girl? I think BOTH the young people here need some support in taking care of one another and themselves. I think you have to talk to the girl's parents and you'd better do it quick. Assuming they had sex last night it's already 24 hours after, will be 36 hours minimum by the time she gets the pill. It's not as effective the longer you leave it. They also both need checking for STDs particularly chlamydia unfortunately.

LettertoHermioneGranger · 28/02/2014 21:46

You should speak with her mother. She is a child. Her mother needs to bring her to a GP immediately for a prescription, as the pill loses effectiveness the longer you wait, and will do nothing if an egg implants.

That is the right thing to do. That said, I hope the mother is understanding. If not, and in your position, I would in fact likely take the girl to a doctor/clinic myself, or buy the pill and hand it to your son, in all honesty. This child does not need a baby.

Jennyl131 · 28/02/2014 21:52

ok, so I have an 11 year old dd. I'd like to think she won't be sexually active at 13. But I'd also like to think that if she was, she could talk to me about it. Or at least, if she felt she couldn't talk to me, that she'd find a responsible adult she felt she could talk to.

My worry here is that it's your ds that's come to you, not the gf. Maybe have a chat with her & see if you can find out if she could talk to her mum, even if you have to help her do it. Obviously you only have 72 hours for a morning after pill, and its more effective the earlier it's taken.

If she won't talk to her mum, I'd still take her to her gp or nearest family planning, who CAN prescribe under 16 if they think the child is competent to consent to treatment.

At the end of the day, I'd like to hope my dd won't be looking for emergency contraception age 13. BUT if she was, I'd much rather she got it, whether I was consulted or not. The possible alternatives are a 13 year old dealing with a termination or having a baby while still so young.

KoalaFace · 28/02/2014 21:52

I agree with meditrina and the others who say help her to see her GP or OOH Dr. Don't give her any medication that isn't prescribed for her.

Then I'd be having serious words with the pair of them about sex and the emotional maturity it takes to handle being sexually active - if having sex results in going to mum for help in getting the MAP they are clearly too immature for this. I'd also ask her about her relationship with her parents and as long as I wasn't concerned about her welfare if her parents found out (I had scary, strict, religious parents, so personally I'd be wary) then I'd take her home and tell her parents.

Original poster

DieselSpillage · 01/03/2014 09:21

I see the general consensus is to talk with her mum, but the girl is adamant she doesn't want to do that.

Where we live the MAP is given out free to people under 18 at the chemist so Ds went in on his own this morning and got one and has taken it round to his girlfriends. At least that way if her mum finds out and gets very upset I can distance myself a bit and say it was dealt with by DS and her.

I have had a good talk with him about underage sex and strongly suggested that she confide in her mum. I will have a talk with his girlfriend later today.

OP posts:

Original poster

DieselSpillage · 01/03/2014 09:43

Looked up online and apparently as their age difference is less than two years. In the country we are in ds hasn't done anything illegal .

I don't know how you can actually stop a couple of kids from being sexually active however much you talk to them. Hopefully the stress of all this will have put them off a bit !

OP posts:

ilovepowerhoop · 01/03/2014 09:54

I think its unbelievable that they will just hand out a MAP without seeing the person it is intended for i.e. they gave it to your ds without seeing his gf. They should have seen her and counselled and warned about side effects before giving it out.

Which country are you in?

ilovepowerhoop · 01/03/2014 09:58

luckily she wasnt 12 or she couldnt have legally given consent to any sexual activity.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 01/03/2014 10:32

OP, I think you should tell the GF's mum. Her daughter is well below the age of consent and the fact that she had full sex so early in the relationship and at such a young age would be a bit of a red flag for me. With my nurse hat on I'd like to investigate whether there had been any other sexual activity at a younger age that might need investigating for her protection or for the protection of other children. That's a bit much for you to get involved with as the concerned mum of her boyfriend.

ilove, I'm also a bit aghast that the pharmacist has given MAP to an underage boy for his even more underage girlfriend. In the countries I've worked in you have to establish that an underage patient is Fraser competent before you give any treatment or you've broken the law. I'd also want to speak to the girlfriend to make sure, as far as she was concerned, that the sex was entirely consensual. Had this been in England or Scotland and probably the rest of the UK the pharmacist would be for the high jump.

mathanxiety · 02/03/2014 03:47

I agree with Kormachameleon, you need to kick your DS's arse big time.

Don't rely on him getting any sort of a scare or being stressed as a result of the alleged burst condom (oldest story ever told).
Teenage boys do not personally experience the direct consequences of ill-advised sex.

That is why it is up to responsible parents to make sure they experience appropriate consequences for jeopardising the future of others.

You also need to tell the girl's mother, and you should be prepared to face much wrath. Your DS should not have had sex with a child of 13.

BOFtastic · 02/03/2014 04:43

Get her the pill, then bollock the fuck out of your sexually incontinent son. What the frigging fuck?! Massive lapse on your part, I'm sorry to say. You should get some balls and step up- don't indulge their underage shagging.

Jesus .

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2014 04:56

I would want to know that my 13yr old was having sex.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2014 04:57

Just seen that they have only been together for a few weeks...talk to your son. He shouldn't be having sex with a 13yr old. As the older of the two, he should know bloody better!!!

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2014 05:06

luckily she wasnt 12 or she couldnt have legally given consent to any sexual activity.

She still can't consent to sex at 13.

nooka · 02/03/2014 05:20

Why is the OP to blame? She'd already spoken to her son about her being very young and been given assurances that sex was not on the agenda.

I have a 13 year old dd and my ds is almost 15. I don't monitor either of them 24/7 so if either of them wanted to hide a sexual relationship from me they could. As it happens neither are interested in relationships right now, but dd has had older boys want to go out with her and I have worried that they might well be interested in far more than a kiss.

I'd rather neither of them had sex before they were ready, and that ideally would not be for a good few years. However life happens, and they might well have sex much earlier than I'd like. I've talked to them both about the importance of active consent, and that sex should be fun and enjoyable for both parties and they know about the dangers too. Unfortunately young people don't have a very good risk radar and often do dumb things.

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