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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

giving morning after pill to someone elses daughter...

43 replies

DieselSpillage · 28/02/2014 21:24

Ds 15 just requested that I get a morning after pill for his girlfriend who is 13. He'd assured me that they weren't having sex as I'd already talked to him about how young she was. Apparently a condom split .

My moral dilema is her age. Should I tell her mum or do I just give them the pill and talk to them both about birth control and trust that she will talk to her mum if she wants to? Her mum is possibly going to be really pissed off that I've given her daughter this pill without telling her. I've never met her mum, they've only been together a few weeks.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/03/2014 05:47

Nooka, as far as I can see, the OP seems to have an unfortunately blase attitude to all of this, and imo any parent who shrugs something like this off as some sort of teenage lark (see exclamation point below) has been giving the wrong sort of attitude to her son.

I don't know how you can actually stop a couple of kids from being sexually active however much you talk to them. Hopefully the stress of all this will have put them off a bit!

-- there's more than a whiff of 'boys will be boys' here.
This boy has not experienced any stress compared to the girl.

Yes, children do dumb things. But parents who care do their utmost to prevent them from doing things to others that can be life changing in a very negative way, and communicate to their children that the welfare of others including sex partners is the first thing to think about. Otherwise, when it comes to sex, what we are looking at is teens being used.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2014 05:52

Nooka, for all intents & purposes the op's ds has had sex with someone who isn't able to consent. On any other thread, she would be told that that is rape.

I have had a good talk with him about underage sex and strongly suggested that she confide in her mum. I will have a talk with his girlfriend later today.

The above statement makes it look like the op can't be bothered. The whole 'sigh' thing stinks of it being too hard work for her.

He is 15, he should know better.

poopooheadwillyfatface · 02/03/2014 06:06

What country are you in OP? In England the pharmacist wouldn't be allowed to provide the MAP to someone other than the patient so it's a bit odd.

Here it's technically illegal for them to be having sex but it's unlikely anyone would take action as they are peers ie small age gap. A 13yo with a 19yo would be different.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 02/03/2014 06:24

Wouldn't you want to know if it were your dd

LIZS · 02/03/2014 06:45

Think the best you can offer is to accompany the gf to talk to her mum, don't go behind her back . Remember as far as she is concerned you are a random stranger and your ds will be to blame so be prepared for her anger whatever route you go down.

nooka · 02/03/2014 07:01

The rules about what counts legally as rape due to consent not being possible due to age vary from country to country. For example I live in Canada and here although the age of consent is 16 same as the UK there are age gap provisions so that a child as young as 12 can be considered to have given consent if the person they are having sex with is less than two years older than them, which is the case in this situation.

Having children very similar ages to both kids in this situation I would be very unhappy if I found out that either of them had been sexually active, but there is nothing that the OP has said to suggest she is happy about the situation or that the girl was any more upset than her ds. I can see why you might think she sounds a bit blase about it, but I still don't think that it's reasonable to say it's a 'massive lapse' for the OP as someone did earlier in the thread.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2014 07:08

See, I don't care about if they are both close in age, 13 yr old cannot consent to sex. That doesn't change if the other person is 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, etc, not in my mind.

15yrs is a LOT different to 13yrs. He should have known better.

meditrina · 02/03/2014 08:12

If you look at the sexual offences act 2003, it is those under 13 who are deemed incapable of giving consent at all. This girl has reached 13.

So it is a situation where two 13-15 year olds are having sex together (the same 'bracket' in the law).

If both consented to the intercourse, which is likely, both are criminalised to the same extent, in the sense of having sexual contact with a 13-15 year old. Both are 13-15, so both would be prosecuted for the relevant offences (which may be different because of biology). But this is unlikely to be deemed in the public interest.

Of course,if you thought either teen had coerced the other, then All that would change.

OP are you able to update on what actually happened about MAP?

And have you been able to talk to DS again about this relationship?

ilovepowerhoop · 02/03/2014 08:16

it is not as cut and dried about the age of consent being 16 when the children are aged between 13-15 as pointed out in this link.

It says the law is not intended to prosecute mutually agreed teenage sexual activity between two young people of a similar age, unless it involves abuse or exploitation - this relates to England and NI

The law seems more rigid in Scotland where it says Sexual intercourse (vaginal, anal) and oral sex between young people aged 13-15 are also offences, even if both partners consent.

In England, Scotland and NI Specific laws protect children under 13, who cannot legally give their consent to any form of sexual activity. There is a maximum sentence of life imprisonment for rape, assault by penetration, and causing or inciting a child to engage in sexual activity. There is no defence of mistaken belief about the age of the child, as there is in cases involving 13–15 year olds

Hence I said earlier luckily she wasnt 12 or she couldnt have legally given consent to any sexual activity

MajesticWhine · 02/03/2014 08:29

I have a 13 year old DD and of course I would want to know if she was having sex, but the reality is that she might not feel able to discuss that. I would rather another adult gets her the MAP than she doesn't take it at all.

ChoudeBruxelles · 02/03/2014 08:36

I think you need to tell her mum and have serious words with your ds about having sex with a 13 year old- which is way off the age of consent.

ACatCalledColin · 10/04/2014 15:06

Why do people always target the boy in situations such as this? Even if both of them are underage, people always zoom in on the boy and say things like "he could get in trouble" and "she's too young, she can't consent!"

I think people need updating on the law a bit. Age of consent applies to BOTH sexes, not just girls. So for everyone who is whining "she's underage, she can't consent, he's breaking the law!" are ignoring that he too is underage and he can't consent either - again (and I do think this needs to be stressed) age of consent applies to both boys and girls, not just girls.

Theoretically speaking, the girl can also be charged with having underage sex however that is highly unlikely to happen. The same as the OP's son is highly unlikely to be charged with anything. The age of consent is in place to protect children from predatory adults who would take advantage of them. It isn't there to prosecute mutually consenting teenagers. When my friend found out that her 15-year-old daughter was having sex with her 17 year old boyfriend she reported it to the police. The police weren't interested. Again the age of consent isn't there to be prosecute mutually consenting teenagers of similar ages which is what this fell under. And probably what the OP's situation would fall under too (but they're both underage anyway.)

ACatCalledColin · 10/04/2014 15:12

She still can't consent to sex at 13.

He can't consent either. He's 15, thus underage. Age of consent applies to girls and boys, not just girls.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 10/04/2014 15:22

What happens if the ages are reversed?

ACatCalledColin · 10/04/2014 15:40

If the ages are reversed, people don't generally care.

I'm willing to bet that if this was a thread about a 15 year old girl having sex with a 13 year old boy the responses in this thread would be nowhere near as hysterical as they are now. I doubt you'd have people protesting that the boy was too young, the girl should know better, she could get into trouble, etc. Even though theoretically speaking the girl could get into trouble. Unlikely though, just as it's unlikely the boy in the OP would get into trouble for the reasons I outlined in my previous post.

summertimeandthelivingiseasy · 10/04/2014 15:54

I only say, because this happened when my children were at school. Nobody seemed to think that the boy might have been pressurised by the older girl, who should have known better.

There was a baby.

SanityClause · 10/04/2014 17:24

I don't really think you should tell the mother, unless you know her well.

Get the girl to a HCP to prescribe the MAP. The girl has Gillick competence, at 13.

Encourage the girl to talk to her mother, or if she doesn't feel she can, to the nurse or counsellor at school.

Speak to your son about his part in this, though.

Theas18 · 10/04/2014 17:38

Get them BOTH to GP WIC or OOH ( any GP and ask for " immediately necessary treatment" you don't have to be registered there to get treated, though if the registered GP is a mile away they will ask why you didn't go there so her GP if you can) and get it prescribed ASAP and appropriately . Agree at 13 she is Fraser/Gillick competent unless there is a problem ( and your son is in deep shit if she is learning disabled or similar).

Encourage her to talk to her Mum or someone.

Bollock him after things are dealt with! It's not what any of us would want for our 13 ir 15yr old sons and daughters which ever way the ages lie.

At 15/13 which ever way the ages are, if this is a relationship in which there is the understanding of what is going on and that consent was freely given then I don't see a legal issue arising but be aware that someone might raise the question of there being an imbalance of power / lack of understanding etc . You give the HCP the chance to assess the relationship if they both present at the surgery .Don't be surprised or offended if the HCP needs to take advice though.

Would a bollocking still be in order if they were both 15??

I think so but 2yrs younger at this age is a really big gap in maturity often and it shows immaturity in the older party that they don't see this ...

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