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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I'm 16 years old and not allowed a boyfriend.

27 replies

TeenTips · 27/01/2014 07:30

I'm 16 years old and not allowed a boyfriend. My mum says that I have to wait until university.

In my friendship group everyone is getting boyfriends and although I don't feel pressured in any way to have a boyfriend, there is someone I like, and have been good friends with for a year and a half.

How can I change my mum's mind?

OP posts:
Innogen · 27/01/2014 07:30

You can't.

Can she really stop you from having a boyfriend? Really?

MairzyDoats · 27/01/2014 07:34

She sounds a bit unreasonable, why does she feel like this?

Original poster
TeenTips · 27/01/2014 07:34

Innogen, she can't really, but I'd rather not have a boyfriend secretly.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeenTips · 27/01/2014 07:36

Mairzy she says that "we don't have boyfriends at a young age in our culture"... (I'm Indian)... [hmmm]

OP posts:
tracypenisbeaker · 27/01/2014 07:37

She can't exactly ground you. You dont need her permission to have a boyfriend, you do need your privacy though. Being sheltered like it this only going to make you resent her later on. You will probably get a load of responses like mine, so if you feel you can, perhaps show her the thread Wink

kotinka · 27/01/2014 07:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TeenTips · 27/01/2014 07:41

tracy I don't think there'd be any easy way for me to show her the thread!

The thing is, in all other areas I try to be as "good" a teenager as possible, we hardly argue, I don't drink, and I work hard at school - instead of seeing this as reason to trust me, she sometimes finds fault in the smaller things, like my room being a bit messy...

Don't get me wrong, I love her really!

OP posts:
tracypenisbeaker · 27/01/2014 07:41

Indian or not, you are old enough to make certain lifestyle choices of your own. Do you know the root of her worries? Is it the distraction from schoolwork? Or the family reputation? Unwanted pregnancy/STD? Perhaps if you ask her then you can reassure her worries and reach some sort of compromise. Im sure you dont want to fall out with her, and want to keep her on side

Pawprint · 27/01/2014 07:42

At sixteen, you are legally old enough to have sex and (in Scotland, anyway) get married. You don't need your parents' permission.

Having said that, most mums and dads don't like to think that their teenagers might be having sex or in a relationship!

tracypenisbeaker · 27/01/2014 07:44

TeenTips i can really relate to you. My mum always looked for reasons to not let me out, inc. the untidy room excuse. I was ungroundable really. She didnt want me to change and not need her any more.

tracypenisbeaker · 27/01/2014 07:49

I can tell that you are caught between a rock and a hard place. Im sure you know your rights re having a sexual relationship, but the problem lies in the age old 'as long as youre under my roof' line that parents give you in order to stop you from exercising your actual rights, making it easier to control you as you fear getting kicked out of your home. My mum did this to me so many times that it just pushed me out and I left anyway.

Ohbyethen · 27/01/2014 07:50

Is this a trust thing? Sex thing? Dodgy mates?
Or similar scenario? Education before procreation?

Sometimes there are over protective parents, devout parents or very strict parents.
Sometimes there are parents that have concerns like the above and happen to be bang on the money.
Personally I am comfortably still on the fence until a few more pearls of information are chucked my way!

I do think though that as a 16 year old and very nearly an adult it is unreasonable for your mother to make a statement like that without giving you a reason. You don't need to agree with her reason! But you deserve one. From there the conversation should develop. I would be discussing things with you and taking both of our wishes and concerns into account and then trying to agree on boundaries that are a fair compromise. This choice is part of your independence, experience and also your autonomy over feelings and body, you should get a say. But I will only treat my dc with the courtesy of nearly being an adult if they act like one and don't break my trust. While it remains my responsibility to keep them from being foolhardy and/or breaking the law I get the ultimate say.

Ohbyethen · 27/01/2014 07:52

Massive x post there! Distracted by the baby. Sorry as you were.

KayleeFrye · 27/01/2014 07:55

"Having a boyfriend" isn't just about going on evening dates with just the two of you. Your mum may object to you going on twosome dates, but does she prevent you from going out socially at all? Does she control where you spend your time all weekend? I don't know either you or your mum so there's know way to know whether she has reasonable doubts about whether you are mature enough for a relationship, but surely you can enjoy spending time with this young man, perhaps in the company of others, without having twosome dates just yet.

hollyhunter · 27/01/2014 07:55

I would ask your mum if you could chat.

tell her that you respect her and understand that what she is doing what she thinks is best for you, but you dont feel that this IS the best for you.

tell her that you want to have boyfriends but boys who are a little bit more than friends.

tell her that you dont want anything serious, you just want to experience a relationship that is appriopriate for your age.

Tell her that you dont want boyfriends to interfere with your studies.

I wouldnt mention birth control at all! this will just make her think you want to run around and be promiscuous.

tell her you love her but you need to live your own life

good luck sweetie

NearTheWindmill · 27/01/2014 07:55

we don't have boyfriends at a young age in our culture. You aren't in India, you are in England and whilst your culture should be respected you must also assimilate to be successful in the host country.

Eastpoint · 27/01/2014 19:28

My daughter is nearly the same age as you & she & her friends don't have boyfriends yet (year 11). Do you think your mother would be reassured if you invited a group of girls & boys over one weekend afternoon or early evening so she could meet them all & see they are polite respectful etc.? If the boy you know & like is your age she is less likely to worry.

Travelledtheworld · 27/01/2014 19:47

teentips are your parents very strict and religious ?
Don't want to scare you but is there any chance they are hoping for an arranged marriage ?

Do you get to see boys at school ?

Your Mum might be more comfortable with the idea of you having a chaperone .

As someone else suggested, can you arrange for a couple of friends to come over to your house, with the boy, or more than one boy, and arrange to meet your parents. Perhaps you could all be "working " together on a school project, planning an activity for school??!! Lol. Something that shows you are all good, respectable school students, and good friends !

Or could you all meet up in the library, youth club or something and get a chance to introduce the whole group of friends to your parents ?

Then you can take it from there.

lljkk · 27/01/2014 19:58

could be worse, as soon as I turned 16 my parents started to hassle me that I should get a boyfriend!! At least you can sneak around. I couldn't exactly magic one up to please them, could I?

RussianBlu · 04/02/2014 23:15

She just wants what's best for you. Everyone seems to be encouraging the op to just go ahead and have a boyfriend anyway and just have a chat to her mum about it. I think you should just listen to your mum for the time being!

mathanxiety · 06/02/2014 04:20

If you have already brought it up and that was her answer, then I don't think you are going to manage to persuade her.

Your mum sounds a bit like mine though mine is Irish and aged 80 now. Back in her day in Ireland, a lot of women lived at home until marriage even if they had been to university. Even though her youngest sister who was 13 years younger than her managed to live a completely different life (grandparents getting older, Ireland changing at the speed of light) mum still wouldn't budge from the way she knew. She was really afraid of the unfamiliar.

joanofarchitrave · 06/02/2014 05:28

I'm in a way slightly surprised that she said 'wait until university' and also 'we don't have boyfriends in our culture'. I would have a chat with her about what she thinks will be different at university and why having a boyfriend then will suddenly be OK! It might also be helpful to talk together about what 'having a boyfriend' means to you both. You might find there is less of a gap about what she is happy with than you think.

I do think it sounds as if you have a great relationship, especially if you can talk about this stuff. I was a 'good' teenager too (and I SO don't regret that) but I felt I could never, never talk about relationships to my mother and that was a shame and didn't help me - she had more information than I was prepared to believe Grin

Iwannalaylikethisforever · 10/02/2014 19:39

I'm very surprised at the number of people telling you to get a boyfriend anyway if that's what you want. I'm appalled by those suggesting contraceptive. There is no rush in this department, it's wrong to assume that a boyfriend will automatically mean starting a sexual relationship. Maybe I'm old fashioned but there is nothing wrong with waiting, for someone special.
She clearly wants you to follow some cultural traditions. It's important to have trust, therefore talk to her about what you have said here.
It may take her awhile to accept your wishes, but if her upbringing is very different to the one you are experiencing here it may take time.

You sound like a sensible person and I wish you luck, I hope you can talk to her.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 10/02/2014 19:53

I think Iwannalaylikethisforever gave the best advice so far. I'm asian too, bangladeshi in fact. I was raised knowing that having a boyfriend was not a part of my culture or religion,so I wouldn't have even dared to ask.

But that didn't mean girls like me didn't have boyfriends those who were interested in relationships did. I was not interested in the opposite gender until university age. I was happy hanging out with my friends and working hard at school and uni that was my only goal to do well. Even then there was no one that turned my eye. but some of my friends had boyfriends. Sadly when their parents found out they had to end the relationship or get married.

If you don't know about the cultural stigmas and idea of respect towards parents and elders in asian traditions then I suppose you will say its absurd do what you want. Also I don't agree with this idea assimilate or go back home attitude voiced by some individuals in this thread. I think we should respect each other's cultures take good aspects from one another and discard the bad. integration is fine, but I don't agree with assimilating like robots and losing the core of who we really are.

I think at 16 you are still very young. I wouldn't advise a young adult of 16 to have relationships with the opposite gender. It is a headache, it's not a bed of roses like the movies, and even perhaps friends are telling you. like any relationship there will be arguments, compromise , trust issues etc. I think it's too much whilst studying. You should focus on doing well on your education do you really want the added stress of a relationship?

If you do, and there is no fear of repercussions from your parents then be open with them it's never good to be secretive. You'll start with one lie and it will never end I've seen it too often and it doesn't end well.

No00785645231 · 28/03/2014 23:34

I'd just ignore them. I ignore mine. Tbh it's your life; not theirs so you need to make decisions for you- not based on their guidelines (not really rules if your not going to listen to them)

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