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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Today I found a lovebite on my 13yo dd's neck

17 replies

WhatAFlange · 05/10/2012 18:25

Bloody hell.

She has been close friends with a boy for about 6 months. Apparently he is now her boyfriend.

He seems like a nice lad, polite, well mannered and well spoken.

I had to pick her up from school this morning as she was unwell, she had her top button undone and I saw it. It's not massive but it's there.

I asked her what she was playing at, said she was too young to be fooling around with boys, told her I was upset and that I would speak with her later (had to drop her home and go straight back to work) I also said that I hoped she wasn't doing anything else. She said that all the girls in her year have boyfriends and lovebites - I said that didn't matter.

Haven't spoken to her yet as she's asleep, but how should I approach it?

This boy does come to the house and I have let them go to her room so I feel like this is all my fault. The rule for them going upstairs is that the door is ajar and I don't have to knock, just let myself in.

Should I ban him from coming here completely? Ban her from seeing him at all (quite hard, he's in her year at school) I feel that would be a bit heavy-handed though, and might push her closer to him? But I don't want her to think I find this acceptable, because I don't. I'm terrified she'll end up pregnant at 15.

Any advice would be appreciated - she's my first so haven't had to deal with teens before.

OP posts:

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 05/10/2012 19:12

Oh for heaven's sake.. didn't you have one at 13? I certainly did ...peak age (judging by the necks coming out of out local school) is 13/14 because it's seen as COOL..then after that they tend to be seen as less so and not so frequent.

I love bite is a suck on the neck..and a mark of 'wow I'm sooooo grown up' (even though they are not, obviously) It doesn't mean they are having sex or you need to be banning him from the house!!

My older three all sported them at that age..I found a joke about vampires and a bit of embarrassing them was effective at them suddenly finding them not so cool.. and none of my teens went on to have early sex or anything.. they really are just an unsightly badge of honour in the young teens!

Hell of a leap from a lovebite to 'pregnant at 15'..relax:)
Not that it hurts to have a sensible, calm chat about early relationships and being confident in yourself, but perhaps separate that to the over reaction at the bite!
Over the next few years you REALLY want her to feel she can tell you anything, not feel she has to keep everything a secret in case you over react..

MrsRobertDuvallHasRosacea · 05/10/2012 19:39

I have never had a lovebite.
and I am 52.

I wouldn't be happy with dd having one at 13 either.
She is now 16 and boys are still not on the horizon.

Agree with Medusa....have a sensible conversation with her, be open,invite him for tea.

lljkk · 05/10/2012 19:42

I'd probably say
"Yowza, whatta Hicky, Doesn't that hurt?" Embarrass the heck out of her between laughing about it.
Definitely invite him around for cakes.
She's more likely to end up pregnant at 15 if she thinks there are no adults with whom she can safely discuss sexual feelings & choices.

Original poster

WhatAFlange · 05/10/2012 19:56

So it's safe to say I'm over reacting? Thanks Medusa - your post was great and has kind of put things into perspective, as has yours lljkk :)

I have met him - as I said, he seems like a nice boy.

So, do I impose any kind of restrictions? I was going to tell her that he's still welcome but not in the bedroom, maybe they can spend time in the front sitting room to watch dvd's, use computer etc?

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatAFlange · 05/10/2012 19:56

So it's safe to say I'm over reacting? Thanks Medusa - your post was great and has kind of put things into perspective, as has yours lljkk :)

I have met him - as I said, he seems like a nice boy.

So, do I impose any kind of restrictions? I was going to tell her that he's still welcome but not in the bedroom, maybe they can spend time in the front sitting room to watch dvd's, use computer etc?

OP posts:

Inneedofbrandy · 05/10/2012 20:01

We used to give out, and recieve hickys at that age, to everyone. It could be your best friend your boyfriend or the boy you have never spoke to. In fact one gruesome time me and my friend were both giving this boy a hicky and we broke the skin and drew blood by accident. Wouldn't of linked it to under age sex it was just a badge of honour.

lljkk · 05/10/2012 20:28

do I impose any kind of restrictions?

Gawd yes. Don't you have any annoying little children to send up to bother them regularly?

If you could talk about the lovebite then you could talk about why you don't her growing up too fast, and (hopefully) she will see why she wouldn't that to happen either (you will of course have different ideas about what is "too fast"). The best strategy is for her to want you to help her keep the brakes on, find a compromise about where the limits are set (she's more likely to keep to the limits if she think she had some input on where they are).

Original poster

WhatAFlange · 05/10/2012 21:04

No small children here to use as irritants I'm afraid!

I'm just about to take her up a mug of hot chocolate so will broach the subject, but try not to make too big a deal of it.

Thanks for the advice :)

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatAFlange · 05/10/2012 21:04

No small children here to use as irritants I'm afraid!

I'm just about to take her up a mug of hot chocolate so will broach the subject, but try not to make too big a deal of it.

Thanks for the advice :)

OP posts:

GotMyGoat · 05/10/2012 21:09

Don't ban anything!

You will make him the most desirable thing ever if you ban her from seeing him.

'You are too young to be messing around with boys' would always have made me determined on getting engaged etc. just to prove you wrong. She could get married in 3 years fgs!

Open hot chocolate conversations sound much better :)

flow4 · 05/10/2012 21:46

I found watching this Kevin the Teenager clip with my teen was very effective

flow4 · 05/10/2012 21:46

(Oops, I'll try again with that link...)

I found watching with my teen was very effective

Godknows1234 · 06/10/2012 00:06

Honestly a love bite isn't that bad at 13,its just experimenting to see weather she liked it or not (chances are she didn't) i know you're not keen on her seeing her boyfriend in her room so why don't you talk to her and say you'd prefere them to sit in the living room and watch tv for a bit because your a bit worried. If you don't over react and take away all of the trust you have towards her it makes her unlikely to come to you for comfort when they break up or about her not wanting sex. It could break her trust to you. I'm sure she's embarked you found out anyway, just have a sly talk with her and tell her that you trust her and then things will get better :-)

lisad123 · 06/10/2012 00:11

I was never allowed boys in my room as a teenager. If your not happy about it, make a new rule, you are still the parent.
I'm pretty sure love bites at 13 were the norm when I was a kid too

deleted203 · 06/10/2012 00:18

I wasn't very happy when DS1 appeared with one in his teens. I made a comment about, 'Ooh, have you been bitten by something nasty?' and he blushed and muttered a bit. I left it at that.

sashh · 06/10/2012 06:33

I've had lovebites, I never wanted one.

I've also been punished for having a lovebite - I'd actually dropped my curling tongs and it was a burn - my parents still don't believe me.

She's 13, her first boyfriend, give her a break.

VeritableSmorgasbord · 06/10/2012 06:44

I think lovebites are a (rather unpleasant) rite of passage. But the next step isn't full sex, usually.

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