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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My DD (17) wants to marry her first boyfriend!!

28 replies

Sylvana · 15/08/2012 17:29

She is seeing him for a year. He is 19, seems nice enough, treats her well. He didn't secure the college course he wanted last year (Art College) so he is taking this year 'off' to figure out what he wants to do and find a job to save for college next year. He seems very laid back about it all. This didn't really concern me until I saw texts (on my phone) between the two of them discussing marriage!

He is her first boyfriend and I thought it would fizzle out after a few months. I want my DD to finish school, go to college, meet lots of new friends, have lots of relationships etc. I don't want her to settle down with the first boy she meets (like I did).

Should I say something ? Or just pretend I didn't see the texts and wait for things to fizzle out ?

OP posts:
80sMum · 15/08/2012 17:31

I married my first boyfriend! We met when I was 16 and married when I was 20. That was 34 years ago and we're still together. My sister married at 18 and she and her dh are still together after 32 years. Sometimes it does work out OK.

scentednappyhag · 15/08/2012 17:33

I was going to marry my first boyfriend.
Then my first girlfriend.
Then my second boyfriend.
Don't panic, I married none of them Grin
She's young, don't worry too much until you start seeing plane tickets to Vegas.

KatieScarlett2833 · 15/08/2012 17:34

Mine will probably marry hers too. They are so in love.

Good job I like him though!

herladyship · 15/08/2012 17:34

under what circumstances did you see these texts?

If you were phone snooping you will have to admit to it in order to raise the subject..

herladyship · 15/08/2012 17:36

Sorry just read on your phone? Could it be a wind up?!

Can't think why a 17 year old would have that discussion via text on their mums phone!

Original poster
Sylvana · 15/08/2012 19:33

She uses my phone when she runs out of credit on her own phone. I couldn't admit reading the texts or she'd never trust me again. It definately wasn't a wind up by the tone of the texts.

I met her Dad at 17 - he was my first boyfriend and I his first girlfriend. I know there is nothing wrong with that and I've never regretted it, but I do wish I had a bit of fun and life experience before commiting so young. We've been together for 28 yeas and we intend to be together until death do us part - its a hell of a long time to be with the same person!

I just wanted things to be different for her.

OP posts:
Annunziata · 15/08/2012 20:31

Just wait and see. If you say anything uou'll probably push them closer together, besides, they won't have much money if he's unemployed.

Having said that, I married my first and only boyfriend when I was 19, and I can genuinely say I wouldn't change a thing.

Margerykemp · 15/08/2012 20:41

Don't worry he'll probably break her heart.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2012 20:42

You can't live your (almost) Grin regrets through her

You were happy, let her be.

JustFabulous · 15/08/2012 20:43

You shouldn't have read her texts.

Exactly why do you want her to have loads of relationships?

I wish I had met DH first.

JustFabulous · 15/08/2012 20:45

When you married your DH, did you not realise that the rest of your life would be a "hell of a long time?" Hmm

Nagoo · 15/08/2012 20:48

I think we all fall in love really hard the first time.

Don't worry about it.

Even if they get engaged at that age I wouldn't take it too seriously, it's a way of committing to each other. It's nice isn't it, that he loves her back?

Think about it when she sets a date eh?

EdithWeston · 15/08/2012 20:50

She can "finish school, go to college, meet lots of new friends" Even though attached. "Lots of relationships" is a mixed blessing, and I can only say 'be careful what you wish for'.

I don't think you should raise the subject of marriage. If she brings it up, in general terms, then I think you can try to persuade her to wait until she's 21 and/or through further education - if they're meant to be together, waiting until education completed (and perhaps first job secured) will make no difference in the long run. The 4ish years until then will give valuable growing up space, and if they still want to marry then it will seem quite a different thing.

The one thing I do think is worth encouraging your DD to do is to live alone for a while - I think it's not so good to go straight from your mother's home to your marital home without learning a bit of self-reliance in between.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2012 20:53

So, let her. It's her life. You can't live the life you wanted through someone else.

I went to university, had lots of relationships, etc. All of the were shit and I went through a lot of heartbreak. I'm surprised I'm still alive.

On top of that, one of my daughters died when she was 9 and am now too old to have any more children because I stared late, far later than I wanted, as I was in a relationship with a wanker who turned out now to want children.

So believe me, there are far worse things than someone getting married at 17.

MyLittleMiracles · 15/08/2012 20:56

I married at 17, it was the mistake of my life 6 years on i left, and am now 9 months separated waiting on a divorce Grin Grin It was hell, i was far too young, innocent and niave and though he wasnt my first boyfriend he was the first person i had a sexual relationship with, the most i had done before was kissing and cuddling Blush he isnt my only now.

lisad123 · 15/08/2012 20:58

I married my 2nd love at 19. Still together now 13 years later x

Original poster
Sylvana · 15/08/2012 21:38

Thanks all. I think the advice about waiting until their education is finished is good - I don't think thats being unreasonable.

OP posts:
GhouliaYelps · 15/08/2012 21:46

On the same lines as expat I had loads of relationships, heartache and dating bollocks and it was all high drama, draining and looking back not fun at all. I met DH at 24 and married 26, I truly honestly don't feel I gained one positive thing from shagging lots of guys before meeting my wonderful husband.

They can explore life together.

expatinscotland · 15/08/2012 23:17

'I think the advice about waiting until their education is finished is good '

Why? What's the difference? Plenty of people have long-term relationships while studying and/or are married. Many more aren't and get pissed, slack off and don't finish. It's one's commitment to getting an education that counts.

At any rate, you can't stop her, you weren't even meant to know she's talking about it, and it may not even happen.

EdithWeston · 16/08/2012 08:02

Can I just clarify that I never said that she should not go through tertiary education attached. Simply that they should wait to marry. It is a time of huge change, and ideally self-discovery, as one moves away from parents and explore the world in a much more adult way (and living alone for a while is part of this).

Most relationships do not survive tertiary education, so leaving an easy exit may be prudent.

I do admire those who do make it through, and indeed all those who have life-long relationships with their teen sweethearts.

This, to me, is a case of supporting your DD's relationship, but leaving her legal options open.

expatinscotland · 16/08/2012 09:05

It's really not the OP's choice. She's not even supposed to know, she gleaned the information by reading her daughter's text.

flow4 · 16/08/2012 09:10

Funnily enough, next weekend I'll be re-meeting the boyfriend who asked me to marry him when I was 17. I said no. I'm still glad I didn't marry him, but no-one else ever asked! Grin

cory · 16/08/2012 10:51

What Laurie said. This is her life. She may or may not marry him. It may or may not be a good thing. But it is a totally new experience that has nothing to do with what happened to you. These things are unpredictable. I married my first boyfriend and have been very happy. My brother had lots of girlfriends and hasn't neen any the happier for it.

mumeeee · 16/08/2012 16:53

DD1 married her first and only boyfriend. She met him at uni at 18 she they maried when she was a week off her 22nd birthday. They got engaged in thier final year of uni and married about 18months later. They have been married for 3 and a half years now and both doing well for themselfs.

nickiminja · 16/08/2012 17:03

my mum and dad married against the odds at 19 (you are too young! It willl never last!). Last year my dad died from cancer a few days before their 45th wedding anniversary. They had been together 50 years.