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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD left shopping on the bus. WWYD?

52 replies

TequilaMockinBird · 31/07/2012 17:23

DD got her monthly pocket money today and went into town with a friend to buy new leggings.

She's just rang to ask me to ring the bus company as she left the leggings on the bus in a carrier bag. Ive rang but they are closed until tomorrow now.

The receipt was also in the bag so Im not holding out much hope that they'll be handed in, but I could be wrong.

The leggings were half of her monthly allowance and she's upset because if she doesn't get them back and has to buy more she will have nothing left for the rest of the month.

So, WWYD if they haven't been handed in? Replace them for her or let her face the consequences of having left them on the bus?

She's been shopping in town on her own for about 2 years now and this is the first time she's lost something.

I'm tempted to just replace them but does that give the wrong message?

OP posts:
wellwisher · 01/08/2012 08:32

Agree with TellyBug - why are you ringing the bus company? and from work at that? surely you have better things to do! Tell her to do it. I would not replace the leggings either, even with Primark... she has £15 left so can do that herself.

Housemum · 01/08/2012 08:41

I'm a harsh mum - DD1 lost her iPod on the train back from Southampton when she was 16. She had to wait until she had saved up to buy a new one. She did have a Saturday job, but ratio wise iPod to wages is probably the same as leggings to pocket money. I really wanted to just replace it (not that I had the spare cash) but knew she needed to realise that actions have consequences.

Hope you had an honest person pick it up and hand it in. Some scumbag in our local shopping centre didn't hand in DD2's shopping when she lost her bag (and there is a big cust service desk in an obvious place) - was so obviously a child's shopping, a little bag and necklace from the kiddie bit of Claire's.

FallenCaryatid · 01/08/2012 09:09

Hi Hecate.
I know it sounds daft, but the idea that mistakes are exactly that and can be fixed is a basic of our family philosophy. We like it. Grin
But likewise, our budget doesn't run to designer gear, holidays, driving lessons for either of them, expensive electronics and gadgets in the home. And neither of mine have ever complained about it, because there is no point, they are happy with what they have and if they want more, they know it requires them to work out a solution and the finances. We don't do teenage strops and shouty arguments, never have.
But a bag of shopping left on a bus at 14? That's OK, it was a mistake we can fix.

insanityscratching · 01/08/2012 09:27

I'd replace them too because it was a mistake and one I have made myself. My dd would recognise and appreciate that I'd helped her out and I'd come home to a meal she'd made or the bathroom extra sparkly as a thank you without me mentioning it because that's how we work here.

It's summer holidays, she'll want to get out and about so will need her pocket money.

BTW Primark leggings aren't good they are pretty much transparent once on but H&M are good quality and not £15 if dd ever wants to save herself a little moneyGrin.

Sarcalogos · 01/08/2012 09:35

I really think it depends on family finances...

If it had been the adult who made this mistake would the clothing be replaced immediately with no real 'hardship' felt? Then a replacement with a few chores thrown in sounds appropriate.

If on the other hand the adult wouldn't replace because that £15 is needed to feed and house the family, then the teenager needs to feel the loss a bit more keenly and save up for the replacement herself.

In short, I think teenagers need to understand the value of money in their own family, but not be 'punished' for a simple genuine mistake if the adults in the family wouldn't be punished in the same way.

usualsuspect · 01/08/2012 09:39

I would replace them , we all cock up sometimes.

FallenCaryatid · 01/08/2012 09:43

'My dd would recognise and appreciate that I'd helped her out and I'd come home to a meal she'd made or the bathroom extra sparkly as a thank you without me mentioning it because that's how we work here.'

I feel less like an oddball now! Smile

thornrose · 01/08/2012 09:53

I'm all for consequences but sometimes lessons can still be learned using other methods. She still felt that initial "pain" at losing the leggings, she's still kicking herself. She's now eternally grateful to mum and owes her big time Grin

Original poster
TequilaMockinBird · 01/08/2012 16:04

Well, as suspected, they haven't been handed in Sad

In hindsight I should've got her to ring them but I was working near the bus depot today so I rang thinking I could nip in and get them if they were there.

I have to ring back again tomorrow on the off chance but I think they've gone. DD is gutted. I haven't mentioned buying new ones etc to her yet, I'm going to leave her to feel some pain first

OP posts:
thornrose · 01/08/2012 16:12

She also knows there is a possibility someone else is swanning around in her leggings Grin

Redglow · 01/08/2012 21:21

Well I have always left things and lost things my mum never used to replace them and I have never learnt. I would replace them if my daughter did thatI'd that I know what it's like to lose something when you have no money.

quirrelquarrel · 04/08/2012 14:39

It's her mistake....so her money is lost. Probably if you refund it she won't necessarily be careless the next time, probably less so, but if I'd done something like that my mum would angry- I'd never get my mistakes paid off! Gosh. I can't imagine any mum doing that. Once when I'd marked some white shoes I'd bought on a school exchange a year ago I had to pay for them myself.
Does she need the leggings/do you pay for ordinary clothes? If it's just pocket money then it's all hers from the moment it's in her hands. If she loses it, she loses her money, not yours.

mockingjay · 05/08/2012 12:07

Gosh some of you lot are mean Grin

I imagine she already knows the natural consequences of leaving her stuff on the bus, given that she's not 3 years old - she's a teenager, not an idiot. I'd be miffed if my Mum could easily help me out, but didn't because I "need to learn my lesson" (I'm not a teenager!). How condescending.

So I'd help her out if her attitude is usually good, but not if she gets stroppy about it like you mentioned she might, Tequila. What's to be stroppy with you about??

quirrelquarrel · 05/08/2012 14:40

Condescending?? Hmm teens aren't getting enough of that kind of "condescension" these days, then.
Most parents could usually easily help their kids out- chores and things- but giving them those sorts of things to do are mostly for the child's benefit. You don't expect the child then to be mature enough to see that, but for them to be miffed? Gosh. It takes more effort to ask a kid to do something that to do it yourself...

colditz · 05/08/2012 14:50

My mother would not have dreamed of replacing my lost items, she never did once.

I still lose things,because to be honest, I have accepted it as an inevitable part of life. I replace them when I can, if I can. If not, I try not to grieve for them.

Original poster
TequilaMockinBird · 05/08/2012 16:10

Condescending?!

And she would strop with me because she's a teenager, and if there was an Olympic stropping event, my money would be on any teenager who was competing Grin

The leggings weren't handed in, and after speaking to DH about perhaps buying her a cheap pair for a couple of £s, we thought that was a bit mean. She lives in leggings, so the cheap ones would just go baggy/see-through/holey after a couple of weeks, so we compromised and paid half towards replacing them like for like.

I even got her to tidy her room and do the ironing Shock so it was worth it, and she's happy.

OP posts:
lljkk · 05/08/2012 16:53

DS once left £60 of birrthday money on the train in a wallet. I was all ready to go hard on him that I wouldn't replace it, but I did run up & catch the train as it was coming back (dead end line) & luckily the had it. :)

lljkk · 05/08/2012 16:53

THEY had it, even.

maples · 05/08/2012 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bruffin · 05/08/2012 16:58

Have you contacted the shop in case someone took them back for a refund

Original poster
TequilaMockinBird · 05/08/2012 17:27

They were paid for on her debit card so whoever took them wouldn't be able to get a refund, only a credit note I would think?

They were from New Look and there's loads near where we live so they could've been taken back to any of them. Don't think the shop would be able to do anything if I rang?

OP posts:
Redglow · 05/08/2012 21:32

After having a major illness in the family life's too short to get upset over the little things. If I can make it better by a few pounds I will. Years ago when I was really hard up I was saving my money about four pounds at a time at the back of my purse so I could pay for my little girl to have ballet lessons. I lost my purse. All my family gave me a bit to replace the money I had lost. I was so relieved.

If it was my daughter I would replace them she's got a problem I can solve it.

mockingjay · 06/08/2012 07:43

Glad it's sorted Tequila.

To everyone taking offense at condescending. Imagine you have left your shopping on the bus... wouldn't you find it condescending if someone said you need to learn what happens if you do that? Everyone knows if you leave your shopping somewhere, there's a good chance you're not getting it back. It's not rocket science.

I would've been really upset if my (lovely) mum had thought that. Not saying she would've replaced the leggings necessarily, but she would have assumed I had enough brain cells to know basic logic. I feel sorry for the teens of those of you who afford their mental capacities so little respect!

gingeroots · 06/08/2012 17:53

This is a bit off topic - but I was amazed to overhear on the bus drivers radio the other day a request for drivers to look out for a piece of lost property .
"Lady phoned in ... bag ....can you all ..."
and this was in London .

quirrelquarrel · 06/08/2012 19:05

Hmm yes but there's a difference between teens and adults. Teens still need to be taught that bearing consequences takes some doing. It's not about being logical! Condescension doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, anyway.