DD left shopping on the bus. WWYD?

[TequilaMockinBird]

DD got her monthly pocket money today and went into town with a friend to buy new leggings.

She's just rang to ask me to ring the bus company as she left the leggings on the bus in a carrier bag. Ive rang but they are closed until tomorrow now.

The receipt was also in the bag so Im not holding out much hope that they'll be handed in, but I could be wrong.

The leggings were half of her monthly allowance and she's upset because if she doesn't get them back and has to buy more she will have nothing left for the rest of the month.

So, WWYD if they haven't been handed in? Replace them for her or let her face the consequences of having left them on the bus?

She's been shopping in town on her own for about 2 years now and this is the first time she's lost something.

I'm tempted to just replace them but does that give the wrong message?

[theredhen]

Lots of teenager don't get to learn through consequences at home. They leave their clothes all over the floor, Mum or Dad pick them up for them and wash them and iron them and put them back in their wardrobe. They don't learn that throwing clothes on the floor means no clean clothes when they need them.

How many teens refuse one meal and then get another meal made by Mum or Dad? Natural consequence is that they would go hungry, in this case, though the parents are stopping the natural consequence, so they never learn.

If the parent in this case is the sort of parent who picks up clothes, cooks extra meals etc., then this teen is unlikely to learn that leaving something on the bus means going without. The teen might know that if her parents don't bale her out, then she goes without the leggings but actually experiencing the feeling of loss and guilt will help her to learn her lesson far more than a lecture and a new pair of leggings if she is used to not learning natural consequences.

However, as I said before, if her parents are good at letting her learn natural consequences, and she is apologetic and upset because of her own absent mindedness, then if Mum wants to help out, then I see no reason not to.

[mockingjay]

Really quirrel? Surely people learn this when they're 4 or 5, and leave their crisps in the playground or whatever. I would have been really annoyed at 13 if someone implied I thought there was a magic portal to my house from the bus...

[quirrelquarrel]

Hmm yes but there's a difference between teens and adults. Teens still need to be taught that bearing consequences takes some doing. It's not about being logical! Condescension doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, anyway.

[gingeroots]

This is a bit off topic - but I was amazed to overhear on the bus drivers radio the other day a request for drivers to look out for a piece of lost property .
"Lady phoned in ... bag ....can you all ..."
and this was in London .

[mockingjay]

Glad it's sorted Tequila.

To everyone taking offense at condescending. Imagine you have left your shopping on the bus... wouldn't you find it condescending if someone said you need to learn what happens if you do that? Everyone knows if you leave your shopping somewhere, there's a good chance you're not getting it back. It's not rocket science.

I would've been really upset if my (lovely) mum had thought that. Not saying she would've replaced the leggings necessarily, but she would have assumed I had enough brain cells to know basic logic. I feel sorry for the teens of those of you who afford their mental capacities so little respect!

[Redglow]

After having a major illness in the family life's too short to get upset over the little things. If I can make it better by a few pounds I will. Years ago when I was really hard up I was saving my money about four pounds at a time at the back of my purse so I could pay for my little girl to have ballet lessons. I lost my purse. All my family gave me a bit to replace the money I had lost. I was so relieved.

If it was my daughter I would replace them she's got a problem I can solve it.

[TequilaMockinBird]

They were paid for on her debit card so whoever took them wouldn't be able to get a refund, only a credit note I would think?

They were from New Look and there's loads near where we live so they could've been taken back to any of them. Don't think the shop would be able to do anything if I rang?

[bruffin]

Have you contacted the shop in case someone took them back for a refund

[lljkk]

THEY had it, even.

[lljkk]

DS once left £60 of birrthday money on the train in a wallet. I was all ready to go hard on him that I wouldn't replace it, but I did run up & catch the train as it was coming back (dead end line) & luckily the had it. :)

[TequilaMockinBird]

Condescending?!

And she would strop with me because she's a teenager, and if there was an Olympic stropping event, my money would be on any teenager who was competing

The leggings weren't handed in, and after speaking to DH about perhaps buying her a cheap pair for a couple of £s, we thought that was a bit mean. She lives in leggings, so the cheap ones would just go baggy/see-through/holey after a couple of weeks, so we compromised and paid half towards replacing them like for like.

I even got her to tidy her room and do the ironing so it was worth it, and she's happy.

[colditz]

My mother would not have dreamed of replacing my lost items, she never did once.

I still lose things,because to be honest, I have accepted it as an inevitable part of life. I replace them when I can, if I can. If not, I try not to grieve for them.

[quirrelquarrel]

Condescending?? teens aren't getting enough of that kind of "condescension" these days, then.
Most parents could usually easily help their kids out- chores and things- but giving them those sorts of things to do are mostly for the child's benefit. You don't expect the child then to be mature enough to see that, but for them to be miffed? Gosh. It takes more effort to ask a kid to do something that to do it yourself...

[mockingjay]

Gosh some of you lot are mean

I imagine she already knows the natural consequences of leaving her stuff on the bus, given that she's not 3 years old - she's a teenager, not an idiot. I'd be miffed if my Mum could easily help me out, but didn't because I "need to learn my lesson" (I'm not a teenager!). How condescending.

So I'd help her out if her attitude is usually good, but not if she gets stroppy about it like you mentioned she might, Tequila. What's to be stroppy with you about??

[quirrelquarrel]

It's her mistake....so her money is lost. Probably if you refund it she won't necessarily be careless the next time, probably less so, but if I'd done something like that my mum would angry- I'd never get my mistakes paid off! Gosh. I can't imagine any mum doing that. Once when I'd marked some white shoes I'd bought on a school exchange a year ago I had to pay for them myself.
Does she need the leggings/do you pay for ordinary clothes? If it's just pocket money then it's all hers from the moment it's in her hands. If she loses it, she loses her money, not yours.

[Redglow]

Well I have always left things and lost things my mum never used to replace them and I have never learnt. I would replace them if my daughter did thatI'd that I know what it's like to lose something when you have no money.

[thornrose]

She also knows there is a possibility someone else is swanning around in her leggings

[TequilaMockinBird]

Well, as suspected, they haven't been handed in

In hindsight I should've got her to ring them but I was working near the bus depot today so I rang thinking I could nip in and get them if they were there.

I have to ring back again tomorrow on the off chance but I think they've gone. DD is gutted. I haven't mentioned buying new ones etc to her yet, I'm going to leave her to feel some pain first

[thornrose]

I'm all for consequences but sometimes lessons can still be learned using other methods. She still felt that initial "pain" at losing the leggings, she's still kicking herself. She's now eternally grateful to mum and owes her big time

[FallenCaryatid]

'My dd would recognise and appreciate that I'd helped her out and I'd come home to a meal she'd made or the bathroom extra sparkly as a thank you without me mentioning it because that's how we work here.'

I feel less like an oddball now!

[usualsuspect]

I would replace them , we all cock up sometimes.

[Sarcalogos]

I really think it depends on family finances...

If it had been the adult who made this mistake would the clothing be replaced immediately with no real 'hardship' felt? Then a replacement with a few chores thrown in sounds appropriate.

If on the other hand the adult wouldn't replace because that £15 is needed to feed and house the family, then the teenager needs to feel the loss a bit more keenly and save up for the replacement herself.

In short, I think teenagers need to understand the value of money in their own family, but not be 'punished' for a simple genuine mistake if the adults in the family wouldn't be punished in the same way.

[insanityscratching]

I'd replace them too because it was a mistake and one I have made myself. My dd would recognise and appreciate that I'd helped her out and I'd come home to a meal she'd made or the bathroom extra sparkly as a thank you without me mentioning it because that's how we work here.

It's summer holidays, she'll want to get out and about so will need her pocket money.

BTW Primark leggings aren't good they are pretty much transparent once on but H&M are good quality and not £15 if dd ever wants to save herself a little money.

[FallenCaryatid]

Hi Hecate.
I know it sounds daft, but the idea that mistakes are exactly that and can be fixed is a basic of our family philosophy. We like it.
But likewise, our budget doesn't run to designer gear, holidays, driving lessons for either of them, expensive electronics and gadgets in the home. And neither of mine have ever complained about it, because there is no point, they are happy with what they have and if they want more, they know it requires them to work out a solution and the finances. We don't do teenage strops and shouty arguments, never have.
But a bag of shopping left on a bus at 14? That's OK, it was a mistake we can fix.