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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD14 told me she has lost her 'V'

44 replies

jeweled · 01/10/2011 18:44

Im devastated. it came out the blue, she has sworn me to secrecy so I can't tell her Dad or Stepdad, infact I am too embarassed to tell anyone anyway. I can't get my head around it (at all) and have not slept. She did not have a long term boyfriend, said she is still friends with him - no names. She thought it funny - said it was sore and then decided to ask me all about my sex life asking when the last time i did it. We got interupted so could not talk anymore and then she went off to her dads for the weekend. I got in a bit about safety, condom was used but was so gob-smacked not really sure what i said. What do I do - i phoned parentline and they were no use, just felt empathy. Do i tell her dad and break the confidence and risk her not telling me anything again.......Help? It was a while ago and she has had her period since. She was staying at a friends house on the night... Feel like crying - you don't want to know the thoughts in my head.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/10/2011 18:47

eek, I think I'd feel the same, sorry I've got no advice.

noteventhebestdrummer · 01/10/2011 18:47

Well she used a condom, she's not pregnant and she told you. Those are all good things so well done to her and to you.

Maybe she told you because in some way she regrets it? So empathy IS important, you can talk about why she got into this situation and how she could avoid it in future.

But no, really, really don't break her confidence and tell her dad.

VivaLeBeaver · 01/10/2011 18:49

Personally I wouldn't tell her dad. Not if she's asked you not to. If you do then she won't ever confide in you again and its good that she did.

She needs to go on the pill, depo, inplant, whatever to use alongside condoms. She needs to understand that she needs condoms for safe sex, prevention of STIs but that if a condom splits, comes off then she needs to be protected against pregnancy.

I would also talk about how sex is best enjoyed in a loving relationship, that sleeping about around her cohort is not the greatest. I know she hasn't yet but I'd be worried that she thinks its all a laugh, etc. Talk to her about how its ok to say no, etc.

Try not to be too upset. I know 14 is too young but it sounds like she was sensible using a condom and its great that she told you.

jenniec79 · 01/10/2011 18:49

No experience but didn't want to read & run.

Talk her through long-term contraception options and STIs. Not all are prevented by condoms etc.

Keep that confidence, she may need to be able to speak to you about these things again. If she feels she can share these discussions with you then you must have a really lovely close relationship - look after it!

Sure you did fine. Have a , sounds like you may need it just now!

Honeydragon · 01/10/2011 18:53

I have no teens, but you must be doing things right if she feels she can tell you and ask questions. Hopefully lots of people will give advice for the way forward from now, give your self time to deal with this though, I'd be upset too, but you are clearly an excellent parent

scarlettsmummy2 · 01/10/2011 18:54

I think you need to work out a plan of action to stop her doing it again. Whats done is done, but I am sure you don't want her to make a habit of it.

Firstly, I would try and establish why she wanted to have sex- might seem silly, but what I am getting at is why did she not see it as something for between an established loving couple?

Secondly, I would want to know where she got the opportunity to do it, and put an end to that. For example, she will need to have been somewhere without adults around, or at best very liberal ones.

This might seem all a bit right wing, but at the end of the day, if it was me, I would be doing everything to stop my daughter at that age having underage sex.

ChippingIn · 01/10/2011 18:54

Bloody hell :(

Still if it's any consolation, lots of MNers lost theirs very young and didn't go on to lead terribly promiscuous lives & didn't get themselves pregnant nor regret it.

When she comes home talk to her some more, ask how it came about, how she feels about it now and see if you can get her to agree to getting some form of reliable contraception (pill/injection etc) when she next decides to have sex (gulp) - maybe remind her that even if she agrees to it, while she is under 16 he is still at risk of being prosecuted for sex with a minor and this could have long lasting repercusions for him. Try to let her know that it must be her choice and she should not do it to 'keep' or 'get' a boyfriend etc.

Try not to freak out.

Greensleeves · 01/10/2011 18:58

she trusts you, that's wonderful - well done :)

I don't have a daughter so can only try to empathise, but I'm pretty sure I would be in turmoil about it too. But she's safe, they did think about safety, she's not in distress - and she told you because she wanted to. Those are all positives. x

Original poster

jeweled · 01/10/2011 19:05

Waw thanks for advise and so quick - have filled the wine glass. I just can't get over the age? is it unusual?
Scarlettsmummy2 - yes i feel like you said, my first reaction was she is never getting out again. I will be trying my hardest to stop sleepovers, dont leave her alone in the house (which i don't do anyway), but i need other ideas? how do i realistically do it....

OP posts:

ssd · 01/10/2011 19:39

why was she at a sleepover with boys and girls there? isnt that unusual? or was it an over night party?

sorry am a bit confused

Original poster

jeweled · 01/10/2011 19:56

ssd - she was out in the town (little quiet town) with their crowd of friends and then stayed the night at her friends...... I ask her to text me where she is and who she is with which she normally does. I am not 100% clear either but I think that they will always find a way if determined and no doubt a few lies in the mix.

OP posts:

ssd · 01/10/2011 20:03

I just find it wierd that they'd be in a house with boys and no adult supervision...though my eldest is 13 so what do I know

ssd · 01/10/2011 20:04

though so saying that the fact she confided in you is a massive plus

Original poster

jeweled · 01/10/2011 20:05

One more confusing bit - if I talk about the safety and about relationships and even put her on the pill, how do I still get over the message that this is not the green light to go ahead. I know i can talk about illegal etc but because there is no 'actual' consequence (ie if she gets caught underage drinking, i take her phone off her) how does it work..... Won't it just mean - mum is fine with it all, there is no punishment........ I guess I can't ground her, or stop her pocket money... I hope you know what I mean because its hard to explain.

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elesbells · 01/10/2011 20:10

Its a horrible feeling isn't it? My dd2 was 15 and it hurt me so bad...I wasn't 'right' with her for a while, I don't know why, it just felt strange.

But I was glad she told me and you should feel proud that she trusted you enough to tell you something so personal - I would never have had the courage to tell my mother something like that.

Whatever you do please don't break her confidence...she will never trust you again..

Oh and my dd2 is 20 now and a happy, well adjusted adult so it did her no harm...

mountaingirl · 01/10/2011 20:14

How wonderful that she trusts you enough to tell you. Ok it is a huge shock but do not, when she comes home from her dad's have a go at her or put her down. Discuss it with her, why she felt she she needed to have sex with this boy, is she planning on doing it again etc. Take her to the GP and get her on the pill if needed. I remember when I was 14 my best friend telling me that she had lost her virginity that weekend to her 18 year old boyfriend. I hope my dd trusts me enough to tell me.

deemented · 01/10/2011 20:16

I have only a three year old daughter, but if i were in your situation, then this is what i would do.

I would emphasise that although i am not very happy about her having sex at such a young age i would want her to know that she needs to do it safetly. If she is going to do it, then it's much better to be safe then not. I guess it's the lesser of two evils, iyswim? You can't stop her doing it - if she'd going to have sex, then she will find a way - but you can make sure that she is clued up and protects herself.

FWIW, i was sexually active at 14. I wasn't emotionally mature enough to be - i felt that any attention i could get was at least something - and i would have died a million deaths rather than tell my mother anything. Be proud that she felt able to come to you and confide in you - you're obviously doing something right.

monkeyfacegrace · 01/10/2011 20:21

If it helps, I was 14 too (just!), and Im now 25 and have slept with a grand total of.........5 people.
It doesnt mean she's going down the wrong path, it was prob curiosity. She knows now, and I bet it wont happen again for a long while.
Relax, seriously. Some of us end up ok

uruculager · 01/10/2011 20:51

I don't think sex at 14 is as unusual as it probably should be, Jeweled. I recall reading a WHO report (Health Behaviour in School Aged Children) that put the proportion of sexually active 15 year olds at around 33% across the UK with a mean age of first intercourse for those sexually active at 15 of ~14.0 years. The average across several European countries was 14.3, though I should stress this is only for those who were sexually active at 15. A recent University of Glasgow study put the median age at first sexual intercourse for today's teens at 15. There are also some good anecdotal threads here that you might find interesting:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1265850-AIBU-to-wonder-if-teens-are-really-shagging-quite-as-much-as-we-hear/AllOnOnePage

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/739155-How-old-were-you-when-you-lost-your-virginity/AllOnOnePage

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/other_subjects/201963-how-when-did-you-lose-your-virginity/AllOnOnePage

I think it's good that she told you and I would respect her request for you not to tell her father.

ElderberrySyrup · 01/10/2011 21:10

You sound lovely and sensible. And she probably has her head screwed on if she used a condom.

I'm not sure about the suggestions that she should immediately go on hormonal contraception - it can fuck up your emotions as a teenager worse than PMT, it's not side-effect free. But absolutely, make sure she understands that condoms aren't failsafe. (My mother communicated this very effectively to me and the 100s of girls she taught sex education to - she was a biology teacher- by telling us that my oldest brother was conceived as a result of a split condom.)

The point about it being illegal means that any boy she sleeps with could get in very serious trouble, so if she actually likes someone she probably won't want that. And explain the rationale behind it being illegal and point out that if any man wants to shag her knowing she is probably fourteen she should be very careful about his motivations.

And I agree, don't tell her dad/stepdad.

It is not the end of the world, the fact that a. she used a condom and b. she told you, suggests she's not about to go off and shag lots of boys and get pregnant. But basically, everything you say will tend towards explaining why it is not a good thing to do.

SpringHeeledJack · 01/10/2011 21:16

anecdotally, it's not that unusual here

ds (14) says some of his friends have Done It

don't beat yourself up, and don't tell her dad(s)- the fact that she's told you is great, imo.

Original poster

jeweled · 01/10/2011 22:01

Thank goodness for Mumsnet, I felt so alone with this running around in my head. Will probably read your posts (please keep posting) again and again and rehearse what i am going to say instead of sleeping....and then probably say something completely different. I won't break her confidence and if your interested I will update you when I speak to her... Thank you so much, you are all being a good help :)

OP posts:

figroll · 01/10/2011 22:02

Oh dear - poor you. I bet you feel awful about it. My dd is 16 and I am pretty sure that she has done the deed too, although she has a regular boyfriend and they are pretty serious. The only problem I have is the secrecy that she surrounds herself with. My eldest dd is very open, honest and tells me everything - sometimes too much - but it is a breath of fresh air compared to dd2 who is so secretive. Be thankful that she has been so open with you as that is the most important thing in the world. She is growing up and it is hard to come to terms with that, but it does get easier. My 16 year old sleeps with her bf (all night) at his parents house. I don't particularly like it, but I want to stay on her side, so I accept it and have said that if she wants to go on the pill then just to let me know and we can sort it out. I want her to feel that she can come and talk to me - your dd already does so that is half the battle.

It's a pity she lost her virginity on a one night stand, but that was her choice. Just stand by her and try not to condemn her for it. Sleep on it and you may feel better tomorrow when you realise that we all do it one day, some younger than others. It's s**t but it's part of life and growing up.

MedusaIsHavingABadHairDay · 01/10/2011 23:47

My DD2 lost her virginity at a party aged 15.. told me about it like yours. She didn't turn into the whore of the town however and in fact that was IT until she was well over 17 and met her current lovely boyfriend (and is now on the pill)

She was by no means an early starter.. many of her friends ('nice' girls , decent education , parents etc) had also lost theirs around 14/15. Sadly it is very common.

BUT don't panic.. she is probably regretting it (I know my DD did) and she is talking to you!! Do NOT break her confidence..if you do then it is unlikely she will trust you again and there are many teen years ahead yet...! She is still the same girl she was the day before the deed...

Scarlettmsmummy2..I assume you have a small child and not a teen. Wait til yours is 14 and see how far being right wing gets you...:/

LilQueenie · 01/10/2011 23:54

do you really mean to say that parents must be either out the house or liberal for teens to have sex under thier noses. Do you not know they will do it in the house quietly while the adults are in another room.

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