Page 2 | DD14 told me she has lost her 'V'

jeweled · 2011-10-01T17:44:01+00:00

Im devastated. it came out the blue, she has sworn me to secrecy so I can't tell her Dad or Stepdad, infact I am too embarassed to tell anyone anyway. I can't get my head around it (at all) and have not slept. She did not have a long term boyfriend, said she is still friends with him - no names. She thought it funny - said it was sore and then decided to ask me all about my sex life asking when the last time i did it. We got interupted so could not talk anymore and then she went off to her dads for the weekend. I got in a bit about safety, condom was used but was so gob-smacked not really sure what i said. What do I do - i phoned parentline and they were no use, just felt empathy. Do i tell her dad and break the confidence and risk her not telling me anything again.......Help? It was a while ago and she has had her period since. She was staying at a friends house on the night... Feel like crying - you don't want to know the thoughts in my head.

empirestateofmind · 02/10/2011 07:56

I have a 16 year old DD so feel for you OP. I am reading all the good advice here with interest.

VivaLeBeaver · 02/10/2011 08:49

I know what you mean about is putting her on the pill giving her the green light, but she's already done it once without a green light so she will do it again if she wants to. All you can do is be honest and say it's not a green light but you'd rather risk her thinking it was than a pregnancy.

VivaLeBeaver · 02/10/2011 08:50

I work with pregnant teenagers btw, so although my dd is younger I have a fairly good idea of what they can be like!

fiventhree · 02/10/2011 14:02

I had the same news from my daughter earlier in the year, the month before her 15th birthday. She had gone to a festival with a responsible family and got together with an ex school friend in a tent in the family area.

I was stunned too, but I decided against showing it. I talked to her about the usual STDs and pregnancy. I also said that I had myself once or twice when younger regretted sex with someone out of the context of a relationship, that it was something worth thinking through more carefully in advance, at her age in particular.

No sign of a repeat recurrence, so far. I think they are really taxing in all sorts of ways at this age. I know I am often worried in this respect, despite having previous experience with two adult children.

At the end of the day we can advise and advise (I still waste too much time on this!!) , but they'll do what they themselves think is best, just as we did at that age. The only response I can think of is to keep the channels of communication open, keep an eye of where they are and who with, etc.

frenchfancy · 02/10/2011 19:53

Don't be devestated. She isn't pregnant, didn't get hurt, and told you about it.

She isn't going around with a big sign on her head saying "I'm not a virgin" no one else need know.

Keep her cofidence, this is the start of the next phase of her life, not yours. Give her advice by all means, but I think any talk of punishment or grounding is ridiculous, and will simply lead to a breakdown in your relationship with your DD.

WalkHomeBitches · 05/10/2011 23:29

well i lost my 'V' at 13 (yes i know slag, slut i been called them all) i never told my mum or dad so in a way she most trust you with is a big thing here

I won't tell her dad then you are breaking that trust and pushing her away talk to her like an adult i wouold say tell her/ find info about different ways of protection and talk to her discretely, maybe in her bedroom or living room when no-one is in the house ?

I watch alot of programmes like 16 and pregant with my 13yr StepDaughter she is very wise about these things now and i openly discuss safe sex with her, i think being more open with her about se make her come to me more for advice on boys periods ect

Also if your daughter in a relationship?

Original poster

jeweled · 06/10/2011 17:53

Have spoken to DD it seems to go in one ear and out the other but now I know why. She has a 17 year old boyfriend whom she told me was a lot younger. She wants me to meet him - his suggestion apparently. What do I do accept it all and try and befriend or threaten him with reporting him or just go straight for the jugular and prosecute.
(wine)

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 10/10/2011 15:28

On a different note, I wouldn't get into a conversation with her about your sex life. What's that got to do with her? Sounds to me as though she needs some boundaries there.

It's not unusual at that age, but I wonder why she told you. She'd had her period. She knew you would monitor her activities.

Was she bragging?

nightandday · 14/10/2011 20:04

Oh for the anxiety caused by cradle cap and nappy rash. Its nothing compared to the angst of raising teenagers!!
You should feel proud she could talk to you. I have kept confidence from dad on a similar issue which also involved a trip to the GU clinic. If he's a reasonable man he'll understand and possibly be grateful to you for protecting him form the horror of it!! Dads and their little innocent girls!! that myth needs to be upheld for everyone's sake. I was devastated but kept it cool which helped open the door to a reasoned debate about protecting herself in the future. I kept the text she sent me following the results of the clinic visit which reads.." was just being daft and kept thinking the worst and i love you and thank you for helping good to know I can speak to you XX" this still brings a tear to my eye. I often wonder if our son who is three years her senior has had similar scrapes and Dad has kept it from me?? I hope We'll never know.

Original poster

jeweled · 15/10/2011 20:05

She has since told me she has now done it again and putting two and two together it's not the same boy. Can't seem to get it through to her about loving relationships and self worth. Feel so helpless, we are going to a young persons clinic next week but just fear that she will sleep with anybody now. How do I stop her ruining her life.

OP posts:

lljkk · 15/10/2011 20:10

Wow :(.

RandomMess · 15/10/2011 20:11

colditz · 15/10/2011 20:16

I was 14 when I lost mine, and it completely failed to ruin my life, my sexual confidence or my reputation. Having been promised all of the above, I am very disappointed

weblette · 15/10/2011 20:22

Op the one thing you have to hold on to is that she feels able to talk to you about it.

I really don't know what else to suggest

margerykemp · 15/10/2011 20:33

How is she ruining her life?

Given your attitude I'm really surprised she told you at all.

Sex after puberty is perfectly normal and natural, it's not like taking drugs.

Invite the boyfriend round for dinner. Tell them straight that you feel that she is too young emotionally and that you dont want them doing it under your roof.

But also maybe talk to her about orgasms and the good side of sex.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2011 20:36

I don't think she really sees it as funny. And sorry, but I wouldn't be really sure about the condom either. Sometimes a young teen will tell you something she knows you want to hear along with something she knows you don't want to hear. Softens the blow. If it was at a hastily arranged sleepover, what are the odds that one of them would have had a handy condom? And she has already lied to you about the BF's age.

Don't tell anyone else if she didn't want you to. It will be very important for you both to keep the lines of communication open.

I think what she is telling you at this point is that she does not feel in control of what is going on in her life right now and wants some sort of help, but wants to try to control what kind of help and who from (hence asking you not to tell her dad)

nightandday · 16/10/2011 16:39

Oh for the anxiety caused by cradle cap and nappy rash. Its nothing compared to the angst of raising teenagers!!
You should feel proud she could talk to you. I have kept confidence from dad on a similar issue which also involved a trip to the GU clinic. If he's a reasonable man he'll understand and possibly be grateful to you for protecting him form the horror of it!! Dads and their little innocent girls!! that myth needs to be upheld for everyone's sake. I was devastated but kept it cool which helped open the door to a reasoned debate about protecting herself in the future. I kept the text she sent me following the results of the clinic visit which reads.." was just being daft and kept thinking the worst and i love you and thank you for helping good to know I can speak to you XX" this still brings a tear to my eye. I often wonder if our son who is three years her senior has had similar scrapes and Dad has kept it from me?? I hope We'll never know.

nightandday · 16/10/2011 16:44

Sorry sent the same message again!1

JeanBodel · 16/10/2011 16:49

This is really hard for you. But at the end of the day, you aren't going to be able to control your daughter's sex life. Yes, it is young, and illegal, and not what you want for her. But if she wants to have sex, she is going to have it. Teenagers find a way.

It's really good that she is communicating with you. Don't do anything that might damage that.