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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

waiting into the early hours for teenager safe return

31 replies

gnomebert · 01/01/2011 12:26

my dd is 15 and likes to stay out late at the weekend (often well after mid-night). He seems to do this successfully without damaging his school work or being overly grumpy the next day. But I still wait up to check he travels home safely accross the streets of London.

He says don't wait up. He says he will be fine. but he has been mugged for his phone, admittedly during daylight, three times this year. If I tell him not to stay out late it is really because I do not want to stay up waiting for him, not because it is bad for him to stay up late.

My real worry is not what he will get up to but just the danger of travelling alone late at night. What can I do ?should I lay down the law just for my convenience? Can I check he travels home safely with out me having to stay up?

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 01/01/2011 12:28

i think you're crazy letting a 15 year old stay out that long and travel home alone!

Choufleur · 01/01/2011 12:28

No way would I let a 15 year old stay out that late on their own.

CybilScissorhands · 01/01/2011 12:30

I wouldnt let a 15 yr old BOY be out that late

What are you thinking letting him do that? he's been mugged 3 times!

Original poster

gnomebert · 01/01/2011 12:30

But whay is wrong with staying up late with friends?

OP posts:

pinkhebe · 01/01/2011 12:30

I read somewhere about a'beat the clock' system where an alarm clock would be set for an agreed time and when the teen got in he would turn the alarm off, if the alarm went off and woke the parents there would be 'words'

Goblinchild · 01/01/2011 12:32

I wouldn't do it with my teens, but as it's already a done deal, you will find it hard to lay down the law now.
How long has he been allowed to do this?
What sort of areas of London is he travelling through?
Is he travelling main streets, on the tube, through busy areas? Is he on his own for the entire return journey?
When you say late, are you meaning before or after midnight?
How street smart is he?
Why did you let him start doing it in the first place?

thisisyesterday · 01/01/2011 12:36

what's wrong?? he is FIFTEEN!

he has been mugged 3 times!

what are you thinking???

Goblinchild · 01/01/2011 12:56

Damm.
Fell for it, your first post?
Have a wooden spoon to stir your shit pudding with.

Choufleur · 01/01/2011 13:02

nothing wrong with staying up later with his friends, at their house for example, but being out / on street after midnight is wrong imo at his age.

maryz · 01/01/2011 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

gnomebert · 01/01/2011 17:33

All of his muggings have been on his walk back from school not 100 yrds from our house, in broad daylight at about 4-5pm. London is bad for teenagers being mugged, largely by other teenagers. The vast majority of muggings are at the time they come home from school. If mugging was the fear I would escort him to and from school everyday and worry far less about his late night returns. But my fear is that is way too protective.

He typically walks about 10 minutes from friends houses to ours.

Thanks to Pinkhebe for the beat the clock idea. I wonder if there is any way the clock could be changed if my son changed his planned return time?

OP posts:

Original poster

gnomebert · 01/01/2011 18:04

although clearly on this website i am in the minority, all of my son's friends all stay out till the same time as he does and frequently walk home for 10 mins in the dark after midnight. for example, would a 17 year old be allowed out past midnight?

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 01/01/2011 18:11

Both my children are happy walking in the dark, DS is 16. However we live in a quiet town in Sussex.
DD has adapted her habits having moved to uni in a big city. She now walks with friends, or takes a taxi.
In your OP, you didn't mention distance or time, and I have lived in several dodgy areas of London and Manchester.
Now it's 10 minutes, and you haven't said if you live in Harrow or Southwark.

activate · 01/01/2011 18:13

a 15 year old out after midnight in London would freak me out too especially without definite times he will be in by and without a definite plan for how to get back - why are you letting him do that?

I would lay down the law - my 16 year old only goes out after midnight if we know where and how he's getting home and what time he will be in by - and that only on a Friday or Saturday night - beyond that there is a 10pm curfew

unowhoiam · 01/01/2011 18:25

I think it is absolutely fine for your child of 15 to go out and take the journey home. i honestly don't see much danger in walking 10 mins through the dark, even if he has been mugged 3 times before. If he is sensible he will have just handed over his phone straight to the muggers and avoided any harm, this shouldn't stop him enjoying his night to the full by staying out late.

Original poster

gnomebert · 01/01/2011 18:44

My rule is that he should text me when he decides to come home. I dont tell him when he should be back because setting definite time does not make him any safer. I also need to know where he is at all times. If he didnt get back within 15 mins of his text I would walk to the house he was at.

good to hear from unowhoiam and Goblinchilds that I am not in a minority of one with my rules.

OP posts:

BigTillyMincepie · 01/01/2011 18:54

gnomebert, I like your way of getting him to text you as he is leaving, etc, but that means you are constantly hanging on, waiting for him to text you - not knowing what time it will be. So it's great that he is getting independence to make his own choices, but not so good for you to be basically waiting at his beck and call.

It sounds like you treat him with trust and respect - could you have tins conversation with him and together decide on the best way to solve the problem?

mumeeee · 01/01/2011 22:27

15 is to young to be staying out until after midnight, When my DD's were that age the only times they were alallowed to stay out until midnight was if they were at a party and even then they were not allowed to make thier own way home DH always picked them up

TheSecondComing · 01/01/2011 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bruffin · 02/01/2011 00:21

I have a 15 year old DS. His friends are in the next towns so uses trains to see them, but he is never allowed out that late. If he is coming home by himself, he is home by 9 or any later we pick him up. Last night was an exception as he went to a party but usually he is out no later than 10 or 10.30. His friends are mostly older than him and I know they aren't allowed out that late either if they are in town.

fedup4 · 06/01/2011 14:22

I have the same problem with my eldest son who is 15. He is supposed to be in by 11 pm but one night before Christmas he came in at 1.30 in the morning. He texted me to say he was at "a house" and would be home soon.

He took advantage as I don't drive and it was my husband's xmas party so he couldn't pick him up.

We live in not the best part of Manchester but we found out he had got the bus on his own at 12.30 am from a very rough part of Manchester and then walked 30 minutes home. As you can imagine I was livid with rage. To top it all off he had no phone as we cut the sim in half a couple of months ago as when he goes out he never answers it or turns it off.

We grounded him for 2 weeks and have told him if he does it again it will be 3 weeks.

He is not self disciplined in the slightest and my husband will have to pick him up any time he goes out.

I know he could get mugged/attacked at any time of the day or evening as he is always saying, but I do think they are most at risk late at night, especially walking home alone.

inthesticks · 06/01/2011 14:50

I think I must live on a different planet.

Ooopsadaisy · 06/01/2011 14:56

I grew up in London and was always out at night with mates. I'm not saying it was very pleasant and I witnessed a fantastic stabbing on a night-bus when I was 15, but if that's where the lad's growing up he needs to be street-wise and clued-up.

It made me pretty hard and shock-proof.

I now live in a dead-end place and ds (14) is almost always home by 10 because there is nothing (and I mean, NOTHING) kicking off round here.

fedup4 · 06/01/2011 14:58

What do you mean in the sticks? That you are flabbergasted that this is happening?

I feel the same way and I am his mother!! I spoke to a parental support advisor at school today and mentioned this - she said she doesn't have a magic wand but he must know the consequences of coming in late every time he goes out. The trouble is sometimes he chooses the consequences.

All his friends apparently were still at this house after he left. They seem to be allowed out until all hours.

BitOfFun · 06/01/2011 15:00

At that age I would be saying home by eleven, or you stay

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