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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My nearly 15 yr old daughter is now experimenting...

27 replies

Rutlandmum · 03/12/2010 10:18

My daughter left her facebook open on my phone so I was reading her messages (I am not ashamed of this - I believe that I should try and monitor her online life just as much as any other aspect) but I read her messages and discovered that she has started experimenting with sex acts with her boyfriend, and has experimented with cannabis. She knows that I know, but I genuinely don't know what to do next. I have always tried to inform her that she should respect herself and that what everyone else is doing may be cool now but that there are implications. The thing I most bothered about is that I read a message where another boy at school asked her if it was true that she had performed a sex act, and she told him that she had. I can understand that she is experimenting, even though it mortifies me, but her lack of respect and privacy about it REALLY bothers me. Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
SexEdUKation · 03/12/2010 10:23

I just want to point out to her that you invaded her privacy but want her to be private about her sex life? I'm just wondering if there isn't maybe a double standard in there somewhere that could be causing a problem? Not attacking just curious?

Main thing is talking - keeping lines of communication open- its great that you understand that she is experimenting and can totally understand your concern about her lack of respect etc. Maybe talk to her about it- and sexual double standards- the boys studs/girl slags etc.

Original poster
Rutlandmum · 03/12/2010 10:52

I can understand why you make your privacy point, but I believe that there is a distinct difference between the relationship, trust, and safety between a parent/child and a child/child - hence no double standard. But I will clarify this with her. Will also make your point on the sexual double standards. Thanks

OP posts:
SexEdUKation · 03/12/2010 11:10

BTW you sound a like a fab mum of a teenager (I just work with them about sex ed but have a while til am parenting a teenager and not a baby!). To be fair if she was careless enough to leave FB open on your phone then would be v.hard not to read!

It maybe an idea to ensure she is uptodate with her contraceptive choices available to her and knows where the local clinic is etc.

Also maybe have a look at getting some leaflets for her to read- bishtraining ones are absolutely fab for 14 year olds and they do a parent pack of leaflets with info.

Actually the experimenting with cannabis would worry me more tbh. due to the effect cannabis can have on brains of teenagers (my bro has had cannabis pyschosis for last 7years- it has been hell- though teenage boys more susceptible than teenage girls).

Original poster
Rutlandmum · 03/12/2010 11:37

Thank you - that is very kind of you to say.

The cannabis is a concern, but she doesn't smoke, and doesn't really see those people (at the date and time of the message) anymore. We live in the country and she doesn't go out THAT much; plus she is back to normal after my noticing her being different at that time (not wanting to hug so much, and being tired). I do not believe that it is set in stone as an ongoing recreational thing with her. But rather than any of that being an excuse, I will be able to be more vigilant now as I have had my earlier suspicions confirmed.

I will talk to her about the things that you have suggested, and look for some info.

Thanks again.

Ho hum, in to the breach I go...

OP posts:
rationality · 03/12/2010 13:19

You need to sit her down and have a good, strong word with her.

Cannabis and other illegal substances are a big, big no go area. It's a slippery slope to addiction and I've seen too many of my friends really suffering as a result - either health related or financially related.

In regards to the sex.. I wouldn't be too happy at all if I had a daughter having sex, especially as young as 14 - but it's got to be looked at subjectively. How old are the guys she's sleeping with? What are the circumstances - long term relationship/no strings, in a home/outside at a party etc?

Nip it in the bud because she doesn't realise at her age now that what she's doing will have huge, huge effects on her future.

SexEdUKation · 03/12/2010 13:35

Suggest you share with her:
The RU Ready or not quite yet checklist:
You feel you could say no if you wanted to

You can have fun together without anything sexual involved

You each want it for yourself, not for the other person or to fit in with friends or others? expectations of you

Nobody's forcing you, pressuring you or making you
You have discussed using condoms and contraception, and agreed what happens next and whether or not to tell your friends afterwards as well as talking about the implications if you become pregnant

YOU PROBABLY WON?T BE READY FOR SEX TILL YOU CAN TICK ALL THESE BOXES
BUT REMEMBER EVEN ONCE YOU ARE READY ? IT STILL DOESN?T MEAN YOU HAVE TO!

REMEMBER TOO THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU?VE ALREADY HAD SEX ?
IT DOESN?T MEAN YOU HAVE TO AGAIN ? YOU CAN TAKE SOME TIME OUT

Copyright : Jo Adams [email protected]

MrManager · 03/12/2010 13:45

Oooh, she experimented with cannabis! String 'er up!

And 'sex act' doesn't sound like penetrative sex. A little fingering isn't the end of the world, to put it bluntly.

fallon8 · 03/12/2010 13:47

Ok, what were you up to at 15? times have changed, not necessarily for the better,I wonder of she left it open on purpose,,tread carefully

maryz · 03/12/2010 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrManager · 03/12/2010 22:40

Why, maryz?

The OP asked for 'words of wisdom' about how to deal with her situation, and my post said she was overreacting and these 'problems' are pretty minor. Chillax.

maryz · 04/12/2010 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrManager · 04/12/2010 13:32

Again, why, maryz?

It was a sarcastic response - i.e. smoking cannabis is such a huge crime that it warrants the death penalty.

Why is it particularly stupid?

maryz · 04/12/2010 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrManager · 04/12/2010 22:04

Do you have a link to that study, marysz?

And even if it's true, the emphasis is definitely on correlation. Cannabis does not cause suicide.

WelshCerys · 04/12/2010 22:05

Rutlandmum - I think your anxieties about cannabis are entirely justified. I'm worried about my ds aged 18 - because I see the effects and they're not good.

Thoughts ... A local drug (sometimes called drug and alcohol) clinic where you could both go and chat - your dd could talk in confidence - I understand they are pretty non judgemental places.
FRANK (www.talktofrank.com/0800 776600) I've found quite helpful and good at signposting parents (and no doubt young people if they phone).

maryz · 04/12/2010 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harecare · 04/12/2010 22:23

Cannabis at 15 is NOT a good idea. Do you have any history of mental illness in the family? Cannabis psychosis is becoming more common with stronger strains and if you have any history of mental illness it can help to bring it out.
Knowing that alone and my close family history of cannabis made me steer clear until I'd left university.
Does your daughter know about it?
Having sex early increases the risk of cervical cancer and boasting about acts performed is not exactly classy. I watched one of those films like American Pie the other day and it was awful to hear the way the blokes spoke about the girls who "put out". I wish I'd watched films like that when I was young so I might realise that "putting out" does not make boys like you more.

Eurostar · 04/12/2010 22:33

I know that all my teens' friends at school have seen nasty, hardcore porn because a few unsupervised DC bring it into school on their phones/iPods - I think we are in unchartered territory really when it comes to teens and sex because the vast majority have been exposed to moving images at young ages. It is all horribly confusing for them. I would tell her you saw the posts and just keep encouraging her to keep what she does for herself. Get her to ask herself, is she really enjoying this or is she just doing it to keep a boy happy. If it is the later, keep reinforcing that she doesn't have to do it.

Harecare - the cervical cancer risk from early sex was probably due to HPV which the young girls are now being vaccinated against. However, another disease will probably come along soon, nature seems to have a way of doing that.

Eurostar · 04/12/2010 22:34

Oh - and I'm friends with the youngsters in my family/extended family on Facebook. It keeps them a bit restrained and I have no qualms about that. I just know some of their friends are going to really regret what they have posted in the future.

MrManager · 05/12/2010 01:06

Maryz: "Overuse of cannibis in young teens is related to serious depression, brain malfunction and psychosis, which is linked to suicide."

Again, related. It's like the chicken/egg question. Do the mental health issues lead to the drug use, or vice versa.

booyhohoho · 05/12/2010 01:16

Mrmanager, regardless of whether maryz post can be backed up by a link, your sarcastic post was unhelpful. OP is clearly worried about her 14 year old using cannabis. your post implies her worry is unfounded. taht is unhelpful.

OP as others have said, keep all lines of communication open. i think the one thing that prevented me from talking to my mum was that i feared her reaction. if i had been certain that no matter what i told her she would respond calmly, it would have been a much better story but i knew there would be shouting and judgement if i shared anything of what had been going on. so i shared nothing. as hard as it is to remain calm, i think it is your best bet of keeping her on side. even if it means screaming into your pillow when she goes out.

Valpollicella · 05/12/2010 01:27

MrManager, I can't imagine one single parent, no matter how liberal they were, not having a little bit of a moment that they found out their child had been experimenting

OP, as other have said. Keep the communications open. Even if it's hard at first it'll be worth it

Sakura · 05/12/2010 01:43

Honestly... I think if she finds out you've invaded her privacy the repercussions won't be good.
OTOH, it is weird that she left her account open on your phone. It could be that she subconcsiously wanted to you know IYSWIM. So you could tell her that you "accidentally" saw this info. That would probably be okay.

I would be less bothered about the sexual experimentation. When I was 14/15, that's what girls did. You'd be surprised how respectful boys can actually be at that age. It's when they get to twenty most of them turn into pigs (which is backward, but that's another story). As long as she's not feeling pressured into anything she doesn't want to do (which is a completely different kettle of fish) then I wouldn't worry about that too much. Especially if she's not actually having sex.

The cannabis- more of a problem. Tell her that her brain is not yet developed and she might not end up reaching her potential academically.
I was drinking alcohol weekly from the age of 14, binge drinking by 15, and the only thing that really made me stop and think was when someone told me I was killing my brain cells. That concept really hit it home to me.

Rachy91 · 05/12/2010 03:28

i wouldnt be worried to be honest, shes bound to be curious and experiment.

at the end of the day shes not a child, and as long as you trust her and keep the lines of communication strong and open she should be fine :)

booyhohoho · 05/12/2010 10:17

rachy. at 14 i would say she is still a child. she's certainly not an adult.