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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Pre-teen sex!

50 replies

FloppyDaisy · 07/09/2010 12:06

First time on mumsnet, need some insight.
Found out my 12yr old son has 14 year old GF. Worried, looked at his mobile phone and sick with worry. VERY explicit talk of waht they plan to do to each other, with condoms, looking for opprtunity. Please help

OP posts:

Lauriefairycake · 07/09/2010 12:08

How much have you talked to him already about sex?

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 07/09/2010 12:13

We spoke to him after his sex education in yr 6; bought him book. he asked a few questions to begin with then seemed to lose interest. Until June this year. He has matured (physically) a lot in the last year. Looks/and is often mistaken for 15yr old. Since this all blew up he doesn't talk about sex at all and HATES to be asked about his GF

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 07/09/2010 12:43

Well, for one thing I'd make damn sure they didn't get any opportunity!

I'd also point out to him in no uncertain terms that if he has sex with a 14yo girl, he risks being put on the sex offenders register and that fact will have to be disclosed when he goes for jobs later. The fact that he's even younger himself doesn't make it ok, he'd still be having sex with an underage girl. (I'm not sure if she would also be put on the register, there may be a double-standard about that side of it)

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 07/09/2010 13:09

Well I am tying myself in knots of xcuses trying not to give him opportunity. Last week of hols. he arranged to go his best friend's; from there he went to his GF, then back to his BF in time to be collected. Only found out from reading his texts. Realise that trust will be totally shattered when he finds i've read his messages.

OP posts:

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 07/09/2010 13:18

I wouldn't tie myself up in knots worrying about what he might think about your reading his texts. He is still very much a child at 12, and as such you have a responsibility to make sure he is safe and not about to break the law.

Make sure there is no opportunity at all. Did you know he was going to his GF's? If not, and he did it without telling you, then did you put a consequence in place for him lying to you? Also, as AMum says, set out very clearly what the repurcussions are for him, not only in terms of a possible pregnancy and STIs but in law.

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 07/09/2010 13:21

Many thanks for your inputs - no easy way to broach this.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 07/09/2010 14:23

I don't think there's an easy way, and I don't think you should look for an easy way. I think you need to go for a very straightforward talk. You are his parents, you are responsible for looking after him and keeping him safe. His behaviour has made it clear that he needs to be checked up on and protected from himself. He doesn't have to like it, and you may well have to be the "baddies" for quite some time. But that's what parenting is about when it comes to this kind of situation. You are the adults here and you make the rules and make him stay within them.

eatyourveg · 07/09/2010 16:04

Personally I would want to talk to the GF's parents too. I don't imagine they would want their dd having under age sex either. Perhaps all parties concerned should sit down and have a candid talk.

ConnorTraceptive · 07/09/2010 16:14

I agree with Amuminscotland there just isn't an easy way round this one and you are juust going to have to be the "bad guy" here. What you don't want is the angry parents of a 14 year old girl hammering on your door after the event.

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 07/09/2010 22:44

I appreciate the feedback. Now going to discuss with his father how/when we tackle him. Sad to think that he will no longer trust us after this, but better than the alternative

OP posts:

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 13:18

Perhaps you should also make it clear that you no longer trust him, and worry less about what he thinks of you?

RunforFun · 08/09/2010 13:23

Are you really sure there is a 14 year old girlfriend ?

I know a lot of 14 year olds (DD & her friends) and not one would even consider a 12 year old....

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 08/09/2010 18:46

RunforFun, there is a girlfriend - have met her once (along with her parents!) when they were just friends. At time they seemed less anxious than me about the situation. Have been copying messages from DS phone to DH phone for him to look at. Nauseatingly explicit. I agree with Maisiethemorningcat - DS must be made to understand that trust is two way.

OP posts:

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 08/09/2010 19:03

I wonder if they might become slightly more anxious if they knew what was being discussed between their DD and your DS? I suspect (or rather, I hope!) they would be horrified....gosh, you poor thing, not a great situation at all

mathanxiety · 08/09/2010 19:10

Trust -- he has to earn yours back.

It's not two ways at 12. Either you trust him or you don't. He both trusts you and respects your rules. End of. He is a child. Last year he was 11. He's not even a teenager yet.

I would be very inclined to sign up your DS for any and every sport and extracurricular activity available, double his chores and then spend time with him on weekends doing family things or something he and his dad could do together (fishing is a bit of a cliche but something manly that doesn't involve girls).

thefirstmrsDeVere · 08/09/2010 19:16

Lets hope this is more bravado than reality.

I think a 12 year old having sex with a 14 year old would be very unlikely to be placed on the sex offenders register. SHE could possibly be put on it as the older child but I doubt that would happen either.

You need to talk to him. If he is embarressed so be it. Better that than a dad at 12.

Dont let the guilt you feel about invading his privacy allow him to dodge the issue. This is serious.

If I found that on my 16 year old's phone (to his 15 year old gf) I would have something to say.

He is too young to have sex, no argument. Its natural he thinks about it and talks about it to some extent. Its NOT natural he has intercourse with anyone, whatever their age.

tokyonambu · 08/09/2010 19:22

I think it's interesting that the immediate response is assume the boy is an active, or at least willing, party to this. Were it to be an older boy and a 12yo girls words like "grooming" and "predatory" would be, quite properly, being used. He needs protection from what is potentially an emotionally abusive situation, in which the physical fact of sexual intercourse, although a serious problem legally, morally and otherwise, is certainly not the only problem. 14yo girls don't as a rule go around encouraging friendships, even platonic ones, with 12yo boys, and wouldn't get a lot of kudos with their 14yo girl friends were they to admit to it. Which means that something else is going on, or perhaps Something Else Is Going On. Whatever the situation is, your son is unlikely to emerge from it well, and talking about "trust" and "respect" is a side issue. More plausibly he's being very naive and led into a bad situation and she's, well, neither of those things.

If you can, talk to her parents gently. It's unlikely to have a happy ending otherwise.

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 08/09/2010 20:00

Mathanxiety - as i type this DS is playing football match attended by his dad. I think finding other activities for him is a gt idea and can only be good.

tokyonambu - your insight has certainly jolted me and made me think. Before summer hols DH and i felt that the GF was the main instigator; we'd found out that at the start of the academic year when DS was just beginning Yr7 he'd been approached by 2 girls at school one of whom told him he was "cute" and "gorgeous". That girl was GF. Predatory? I hesitate to label someone else child. Some of the text messages from her concern her interactions with her parents and sister. Mention of parental conflict etc.

Have been trying to find a way to access his msn account as they chat so much on there. Frustrating lack of IT nouse!

OP posts:

thefirstmrsDeVere · 08/09/2010 20:01

I think you are right tokyo A 14 year old girl is generally streets ahead sexually and emotionally.

mathanxiety · 08/09/2010 20:52

I think so too -- DS age 12 was no match even for the 12 year old girls in his class. This girlfriend sounds like bad news. One of the bad scenarios here is that his texts could be shared among her friends, or they could move up to sharing photos which your DS might not like to have broadcast high and low.

moomaa · 08/09/2010 20:59

I don't think it's that strange that a 14 year old girl would want to date a 12 year old, I remember girls at my school that were very much 'into' the very cute looking younger boys. I hope it didn't get further than a snog, but who knows (I wasn't in the 'in' crowd!)

mollyroger · 08/09/2010 21:06

wow. I have an almost 13 yr old boy and can't imagine this scenario any time soon.
How very worrying for you,. I think tokyonambu has it in a nutshell :(

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 08/09/2010 22:29

It would seem from their texts that they have been sharing photos on msn - perhaps just as well i can't access his account.

OP posts:

hellymelly · 08/09/2010 22:38

Surely he couldn't really be put on the sex offenders reg? How does that work then? Would they both be on it? Because that seems rather bonkers if you'll excuse the pun.

tokyonambu · 09/09/2010 00:51

"t would seem from their texts that they have been sharing photos on msn - perhaps just as well i can't access his account."

I won't list the issues, because you can work them out for yourself, but these days a situation between children that might be a matter for an awkward discussion between their parents steps up a gear in the eyes of the state once there are pictures of children where the intent is sexual. The intent pretty much goes without saying in this scenario. Pictures of a 14 year old girl are a problem, of 12 year old boy are a big problem, and possession is a strict liability offence.

This has to stop, and if that involves removing his computer then you should do so. MSN is fairly heavily policed and it's unlikely that they are able to take the sort of security measures that someone skilled would take, especially as those security measures are roughly "don't use MSN". If instead of your concerns about your son's behaviour this because a conversation with the law about your house uploaded pictures of 12 year old boys and downloading pictures of 14 year old girls your life could get very unpleasant very quickly. If you have reasonable suspicion this is happening, it has to stop, and you should get someone knowledgeable whom you trust to wipe his computer without looking at the contents to save everyone the problems downstream.

Seriously. Pictures of children in a sexual context are the IT third rail: you step on it at your peril.

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