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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Pre-teen sex!

50 replies

FloppyDaisy · 07/09/2010 12:06

First time on mumsnet, need some insight.
Found out my 12yr old son has 14 year old GF. Worried, looked at his mobile phone and sick with worry. VERY explicit talk of waht they plan to do to each other, with condoms, looking for opprtunity. Please help

OP posts:

tokyonambu · 09/09/2010 00:51

"t would seem from their texts that they have been sharing photos on msn - perhaps just as well i can't access his account."

I won't list the issues, because you can work them out for yourself, but these days a situation between children that might be a matter for an awkward discussion between their parents steps up a gear in the eyes of the state once there are pictures of children where the intent is sexual. The intent pretty much goes without saying in this scenario. Pictures of a 14 year old girl are a problem, of 12 year old boy are a big problem, and possession is a strict liability offence.

This has to stop, and if that involves removing his computer then you should do so. MSN is fairly heavily policed and it's unlikely that they are able to take the sort of security measures that someone skilled would take, especially as those security measures are roughly "don't use MSN". If instead of your concerns about your son's behaviour this because a conversation with the law about your house uploaded pictures of 12 year old boys and downloading pictures of 14 year old girls your life could get very unpleasant very quickly. If you have reasonable suspicion this is happening, it has to stop, and you should get someone knowledgeable whom you trust to wipe his computer without looking at the contents to save everyone the problems downstream.

Seriously. Pictures of children in a sexual context are the IT third rail: you step on it at your peril.

fortyplus · 09/09/2010 01:21

Good grief!! For a start who is the account holder for your broadband service?? Most likely your husband?? So if these images are investigated then who will the finger of blame point at? You need to crack down on the pair of them - both your son and his gf. They need to understand that their behaviour is 'lewd and inappropriate' at their age.

tokyonambu · 09/09/2010 01:30

"behaviour this because a conversation with the law about your house uploaded pictures "

behaviour this BECAME a conversation with the law about SOMEONE IN your house UPLOADING pictures

SolidGoldBrass · 09/09/2010 01:59

Isn't this just a horrifying example of state prurience and paranoia, though? Isn't it just a bit awful and horrible that kids silly experimentation and daring each other on could be seen and treated as full-scale criminal activity?
Sure the kids involved need to be told by their parents that they are too young for this sort of thing, too young to cope with it emotionally, psychologically and to an extent physically - just as they are too young to be raiding the drinks cabinet or smoking or getting into debt. But please, when you're dealing with it OP, try not to treat either child as though they are disgusting or wicked. They are curious and therefore exploring about something that is (to most adults) a source of joy, they're not torturing kittens.

tokyonambu · 09/09/2010 02:14

SGB: absolutely. But the pictures make the risk to the parents substantial.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2010 14:31

No it's not a horrifying example of state prurience and paranoia, SGB. It's potentially a case of someone being exploited. The state tries to prevent such exploitation by setting out legal consequences. You have to draw a line somewhere to catch the criminals, and anything to do with the law requires a definition.

I agree with your comments about 'disgusting or wicked' but these children are playing with fire. They are in too deep on many fronts.

SolidGoldBrass · 09/09/2010 16:43

Math: if there was a substantial age gap then maybe there would be exploitation going on - and surely it wouldn't be too difficult to frame the law in such a way as to deter adult exploiters of the young but not be too punitive to adolescents who are exploring sexuality.

lamplighter · 09/09/2010 17:03

My friend was in this situation with her 13 year old boy and his fourteen year old GF.

She told the girl's parents and showed the texts. Mortifying for all involved but it also covered the possiiblty that the girl's parents could blame the boy for it all.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2010 18:11

You end up arguing over the term 'substantial' though, or even 'consenting' or 'exploring' or 'exploring sexuality'. Tough cases make bad or weak laws, and loopholes are there for the guilty as well as the innocent.

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 09/09/2010 22:33

Have had a long and indepth talk with DS. Though mortified/embarrassed/argumentative etc. he seems to have grasped some of thw seriousness of what we said - morality/overall well-being/law/etc. Has been told what is expected of him in terms of building trust with us - so not lying about whose house he's visiting. More difficult: we have told him to curb this relationship whilst fully aware that they will see each other at school (though DH isn't beyond moving him to another if necessary). DS gone to bed full of tears and apologies but minus mobile, ipod, and PC. And told it will be thus for the forseeable except for hmwk.
DS insists that they did nothing beyond kissing - no way of knowing so really hope is true.

Most curious: after all the talking and emphatic expalantions DS seemed at the end of the evening to be himself again - chatty not moody, playful with younger sibling, engaging with us. Asked why he (and GF) said some of the things in their texts he said he doesn't know why and actually didn't seem to fully know the real meaning of some of the terms. I said to DH that it's almost as though DS is relieved and has been unburdened.
Not surprising he is worried about reaction of GF at school tomorrow. I have told him that GF's parents will be told tomorrow.

Grateful to have got through this initial stage but agreed that DS needs to be closely watched and oocupied, to which end he has been signed up for extra sporting activities after school. He was talkative after his initial embarrassment tonight and I am hoping he will heed our advice and speak to us about this in future.
Only time will tell.......

Writing or wrongly spoke to his personal tutor at school to see whether she was aware of any changes in behaviour - she was not but will keep an extra (discreet) eye on him.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 09/09/2010 23:59

Wow, well done. Hope it all works out.

TheNextMrsDepp · 10/09/2010 00:07

You did the right thing. I have this all to look forward to......

IsItMeOr · 10/09/2010 00:16

Well done Floppy - sounds like it went really well.

It also sounds as if you managed to reconnect with your DS, so that hopefully he's more likely to talk to you about worries in the future. As well as the extra activities, could you and/or DH schedule in some regular one-on-one time where you focus on being connected with DS, to keep this going?

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 10/09/2010 09:33

IsItMeOr: Taken your suggestion on board; DH to do more things with DS at times when I will occupy number 2 child. At moment I spend more time with both children due to DH's work commitments.
**
Really appreciate input from all of you - has given us plenty to think about and opened our ours to a lot more.
Not least that it's important to not assume that a child who appears to be growing/progressing well might have major issues of which we as parents are quite unaware.

OP posts:

mummytime · 10/09/2010 10:13

I think you have done well. My mum used to give me the option of saying she had forbidden me to do things if it helped me get out of things I wasn't happy with. Sometimes it can be a relief to say "my parents caught me and I can't see you any more".

Good luck!

SolidGoldBrass · 10/09/2010 10:17

Yes I think it may well have come as a relief to the DS - he would probably have known that he was getting out of his depth but not wanted to be the one to instigate backing down. The same is probably true of the girl in question as well. As long as any fuss is kept to a minimum (having either kid publicly shamed or interviewed by meddling outside authorities, or held up in school as a Bad Example would be extremely undesirable) everything should be fine.

notsohotchic · 10/09/2010 10:44

God noo! I would not go there (the msn) ! But get round to her parents asap! I too knew girls at school who went for younger boys its not that unusual. I think you need to concentrate on getting your son to open up to you, his father or another close family member/ trusted person. I also think that if you admit to looking at his phone he will completely close off. He will be so devastatingly embarrassed!

notsohotchic · 10/09/2010 10:49

sorry, got behind there. seems like you did the right thing!! Well done / good luck!

PeanutCrackers · 20/09/2010 22:12

Well done you, we went through this exact same thing last week with our 12 year old daughter and since taking away her phone, ipod and pc, we now have a happier, chattier and more focused child who has not been out of my sight since we found the texts. Its worrying, exhausting and sad to know that she is even thinking like that, but I cannot afford to take any chances. Not sure when we will be able to trust her again though.

Original poster

FloppyDaisy · 21/09/2010 20:04

PeanutCrackers - several friends have told me this is never-ending on-going. At the moment we're trying the drip feed re: trust. We keep giving him a little more leewway and seeing how he deals with it. Frighteneing as there are no right answers-though I would say go with your own instincts sometimes in knowing what is good/not good for you DD.

OP posts:

rationality · 03/12/2010 13:48

Sharing photos on msn - not cool.

Contact her parents - as parents of a girl I'm sure they'd want to know and will probably deal with this. They have a right to know.

In regards to the law and the sex offenders register: (as a law student)

She has committed a more serious offence because he is under 13 and she is not. HOWEVER because neither are over 18 it's not likely to be an offence.

Social services would be involved.

Don't worry about the legal aspect of things - there's a far more base concern here. Get in contact with the girl's parents, and have a good sit down and stern word with your son.

WingDad · 04/12/2010 17:49

Although it pains me to say it now as a parent, thinking back to when I was a lad, it might be appropriate to point out that if kids really want to have sex with each other, they'll find a way and most of the time, they'll manage to do so without parent's knowing.

Having said that, most of the time it's just curiosity, in that he'll be wanting to shag girls and do all this stuff with them, but he'd probably not pursue it too much. It's not necessarily bravado, he probably won't be telling his mates what he's up to, but it's probably for self-pleasure (note: self-pleasure, and there's nothing wrong with that).

As rationality rightly states, don't worry about that legal side of things, IMO that's irrelevant.

I think you did very well in talking to him about it (of course he'll be embarrassed, that's natural) and removing his PC and all that. Well done for being stern :)

CARRIEHEMMING · 04/12/2010 23:22

12 YEARS OLD.... Where the hell is social serices? Ha , if you want to stop the rest of your childerns life being uphill without struggle, get a grip and take control. 12 years old, seriously??

H2oboyz · 16/05/2025 00:40

You are wrong on so many levels and this is horrible advice. Please refrain from sharing anymore of your opinions.

Gustavo77 · 27/05/2025 11:35

H2oboyz · 16/05/2025 00:40

You are wrong on so many levels and this is horrible advice. Please refrain from sharing anymore of your opinions.

This thread is from 2010, it's 15 years old. I didn't realise threads were still around this long never mind how to find them!

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