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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

help required with boozing lazy teen DD

44 replies

camperchick · 09/08/2010 11:20

I'm going spare with my DD who has recently turned 18, finished a levels and has the whole summer off, with no job. she is spending most days sleeping, then most evenings drinking, smoking and gossiping with friends. she is a bright sociable girl, lots of friends etc however i'm frustrated with the slacker lifestyle and can't seem to get through to her about this behaviour, i have two other DD's one of whom is only 5 and i can't cope with this 'amy winehouse' type person living in my house like this - is it just that time when the natural separation needs to occur and she moves out - i'm finding it very hard to know what to do for the best. btw i'm a single parent too - i do wonder if her dad would put up with a houseful of boozing teens hanging out mosts eves, maybe i'm just a soft touch.. advice desperately required!

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 11:24

Where does she get her money from? Do you give it to her.

You need to lay down the law. Say that she needs to start paying rent to you, and tell her she needs to apply for jobs. Don't have her mates round til all hours. If she is not prepared to buck up she needs to realise that you will ask her to leave.

She is an adult now, she needs to start behaving like one, and that means respecting you and your household.

pagwatch · 09/08/2010 11:29

ditto
how is she fundingthis lazy arse lifestyle and how come her clothes are washed and pressed ready for her to wear out?
If you don't like how she is begaving I would start by not facilitating it.
Or does she have some means of income?

notyummy · 09/08/2010 11:33

Yep, agree with previous posters. Time to start removing whatever factors allow her to do this (e.g money/time). If she isn't working and can't contribute then she can either get a job, or be the main cook/cleaner for the household.

Original poster
camperchick · 09/08/2010 11:39

thanks for the responses. i give her no money, i'm a strong believer in working/earning however she gets the EMA allowance from the government to stay on and study however i thought that stopped over the summer break, i guess not, tbh that allowance is a nice idea but does seem to deter the need to get a job. her friends are mostly from wealthy familes and seem to have allowances etc so have cash to spend on booze and fags, there are endless bottles of rose in my recycling bin.. i do need to toughen up i know, but so many people have said that this is the one summer of fun they have, no responsibilities and getting all reminiscent of their college days - all i see is wasted bright kids taking the piss..

OP posts:
epithet · 09/08/2010 11:41

Is she going to university in the autumn?

notyummy · 09/08/2010 11:49

I didn't know that many people who had a 'summer of fun' - yes, I went out in evenings of the summer before I started uni, but I worked in a supermarket to fund it. I also was attending a few job interviews so I had a job lined up if I didn't get into uni. My dad said that by Sep I would either be at Uni or in a 'proper' job - and that either way I was out of the house.

It concentrated the mind.

(and I was a much loved only child btw!)

Original poster
camperchick · 09/08/2010 11:51

yes she is off to art college in september, hopefully staying at a friends place nearby during the week to cut down on travel costs (rent free as its wealthy parents london pad!) hopefully that will be the wake up call she needs - to feed/clothe herself, clean up and not be drinking every evening - or will be art school dream life of endless parties. i think my trouble is with the lack of care about contributing to the home, to use a cliche, treating it like a hotel - i'm a fairly laid back parent and want them to have freinds over etc (better than hanging out at parks) but haven;t managed to get the balance right - to instill the notion of a work ethic and responsibility - the joke is i'm a single parent running a household and working etc, how have i not passed this work ethic onto her?

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 09/08/2010 11:51

You only get ema term time ..

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 11:59

you will have passed on the work ethic to her

she is a bright girl, she knows what it is all about

but you are not enforcing it, so she is taking the teenage line and taking the piss

she won't do it off her own bat, if you collude with her thoughtlessness and laziness by picking up after her and making excuses

pagwatch · 09/08/2010 12:01

I think you need to have a pretty urgent chat with her about where she is getting all this money from tbh.

I know what you mean about work ethic and setting examples.
I think though we tend to assume an example is enough. It isn't.
The example you think you are setting is of hard work, self sufficiency and industry.
But actually you are demanding nothing of her at all.
So the example you are actually setting is that you can be fucking idle and some idiot will clear up for you.

I know it feels like kindness. Those of us who have worked hard want to save our children from grinding down when they are young.
But children only develop a work ethic but being set standards, by being challenged and having parents/carers who expect the best from them.
You are expecting nothing of her and hoping she will see the light.
This is actually a terrible legacy for her.
She needs you to demand/expect more of us before she becomes a total waste

epithet · 09/08/2010 12:01

Tell her she can go to the pub now she's 18 instead of using your house like one.

I'd also insist on her 'earning her keep' by helping with housework and childcare when needed.

Probably no chance of getting a job for just six weeks, so maybe write that one off. And take heart. She won't be a selfish teen much longer and hopefully college will wake her up to the realities of independent life.

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 12:02

Agree anyfucker.

She will just be chancing her arm. My dd is a bright, hard working girl. But if I didn't stay on her case about making sure her allocated chores are done, she would try and push her luck and not do them.

You do need to lay down the law a bit, and have firm boundaries (teens are like toddlers, I think)

epithet · 09/08/2010 12:03

Yes, I'm also a bit mystified about all this cash.

pagwatch · 09/08/2010 12:04

"teens are like toddlers"
oh yes indeedy!

Original poster
camperchick · 09/08/2010 12:07

thank you for all the responses, its really helping me sort my head out and plan the discussion thats coming up later today.. no more mrs nice mum.. its a weird transition time from supporting your kids so they study and do well at school and then to ensure they step up and take responsibilty for themselves.
notyummy - i had a very similar message from my dad - was a total wake up call of you are now an adult and have to look after yourself, however mine was at 16 and was quite harsh, he wasn't supportive at all - i think i've tried the other tack and its backfired completely!

OP posts:
GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 12:11

The cash may not be sinister. My stepson, when he wasn't working, just ponced off all his mates. If your dd's friends are well off they may not mind subsidising your dd.

Pag you are so right about wanting to protect your kids from hard work. I worked all through my teen years, I would not want dd to have a job as a teen like I did. My initial thought is to try and ensuire that she has an easier life than me! But I do think that she needs to have a strong work ethic in order to not be shocked to the core when she gets a job. So although I do not want her to get a job (she is only 14 as well) she does have a quite heavy chores responsibily, and if she doesn't do them, or does them badly, her allowance is stopped.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:16

< quick hijack >

GOML...how much allowance do you give your dd ?

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 12:21

I give her the child benefit AnyF, so £80 every 4 weeks.

But that covers everything - including clothes (I buy basics, if she wants anything else she has to save).

For that she has to do the dishes every day, clean bathroom 3 times a week, clean and wash 2 cars at weekend, mop through house twice a week. Also keep her room tidy, but I don't care too much about that tbh. Assume that she does about 3-4 hours housework a week, for which she gets £20. I think that's fair. It works well anyway.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:23

just being nosy, GOML Smile

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 12:26

That's fine Smile

Just a bit defensive because I said on a thread some time back that I gave dd the child benefit every month, and some fucker said i was taking the piss, being extravagant, some people actually need the child benefit to buy food, I was smug etc etc.

You know, typical MN barrage of abuse which came from leftfield Grin

notyummy · 09/08/2010 12:28

camperchick - you are right, there is a way of doing it, isn't there? I was 17 when my dad laid out how things would be, BUT he also daid how much they loved me and what a bright future I had ahead. I think he and my mum got it right - and it must have been hard for them as well. I moved out at 17 to a grotty student flat at uni - the oven gave us electric shocks so I phoned my dad to come and fix it. He turned up and said 'well, it's earthed so it won't kill you. You lot will have to get the landlord to fix it or save up for an electrician' and promptly disappeared. I was mortified, as I had told flatmates he would sort it all out!

All good life lessons...

AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:32

I didn't mean you were being defensive, GOML...just explaining my own nosiness interest Smile

am always checking out the teenage stuff (I find them very strange creatures ...) and you always seem to speak sense

that is silly though to get abuse for that...didn't these daft people think that the child benefit money would be spent on her anyway...for clothes, cinema, bus fares etc etc

I give my dd half of that...but I buy most of her clothes and give occasional top-ups for special occasions/trips out with youth club etc (and buy her friends birthday presents and suchlike)

Original poster
camperchick · 09/08/2010 12:33

GOML that sounds completely reasonable, she is EARNING that money, i stopped the allowance i gave my DD when the EMA came thru as we dont have a great deal of spare cash and i feel if she wants things she should earn it or save for it. i had jobs from about 11, a paper round then onto cafe jobs as a teen then bar/shop work - i loved the freedom it gave me, to go off on trips, buy clothes etc, and pay a nominal rent at home (hated it at time but a good lesson) however DD's father is fairly well off and treats her like a bit of a princess, fancy holidays, nice meals out etc - he is working class boy made good and wants his DD to have an easier time of it i think.. we dont have the same attitude at all on this one..

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2010 12:33

sorry camper, as you were Smile

GetOrfMoiLand · 09/08/2010 12:52

That's all right then - sorry for defensiveness.

AnyF - I always think you talk a load of sense re teenagers as well Grin

Me and DD sat down and worked it all out about 6 months ago - she wanted a bank account and asked for regular allowance, before I just gave her money for jobs on an ad hoc basis. I also put in every month (in term time) her bus and dinner money, and it's up to her to manage it. If she is savvy enough to make herself a sandwich and take a bit of fruit to school every day, well she is quids in and she can save her dinner money up and spend it one something else. Equally if she wants to live like a queen and spend all her month's dinner and bus money on a load of crap in week 1, and then walk to school for the rest of the month, equally that is her choice. It has been good and she is learning to manage money. So far, so good, and she hasn't run out of money or come begging for more.

Sometimes she cuts corners with her chores and I have to ask her to do them properly, but the threat of cutting her allowance has never had to materialise.