I'm 43. Desperately need new clothes. Where should I shop and what should I wear.

[mumat39]

Hello

I'm a pathetic 43 year old mum of 2. I have never been very good at shopping and have now got to the stage where I hate it. I just don't know what to wear or wear I should be shopping. I'd love to have a 'capsule' wardrobe of a few things that I could throw together and feel confident in.

I currently have 2 pairs of jeans, one for the house and one for wearing out. The one for home doesn't fit and the zip keeps coming down. I also have a couple of tops that I wear and then my pyjamas. That's it apart from underwear.

I used to be more of an hourglass shape with big thighs and legs but a lovely flat tummy.

After 2 kids and 2 emergency c-sections, I think I might be a big busted pear. My boobs have dropped and I have a horrible pouch. My thighs and legs are still big. I'm a 14 on top and 16 on my hips. 16 trousers usually are too big for my waist.

I feel so depressed sometimes about how I look. If I ever find something that 'will do' I buy it and wear it to death. I notice holes in one of my current top.

I also wash my clothes at night so they can dry overnight so that I can wear them again the next day.

I really don't know where to shop or what to buy. If I go out I only see black trousers, or black jumpers. I sometimes take a few things in from whichever shop and try things on and mostly hate how i look and leave feeling more sorry for myself.

I have also tried online shopping. I recently ordered £700 worthh of stuff from one place and only kept a pair of jeans. not because I was wowed by them, but because they 'would do'

Can anyone help point me in the right direction please?

Many Thanks

I think you should consider treating yourself to a Colour Me Beautiful consultation. I did this a few years ago, and it made such a difference. I no longer dread buying clothes and I only wear things that suit me. The session paid for itself very quickly, as I no longer buy things that I never wear.

Colour Me Beautiful

I second good underwear, it's not THAT expensive if you think it will last you years.

How about a knee-length pencil skirt? I think those look great on all shapes. Couple of tight-fitting wool jumpers? Uniqlo do nice ones.

How do you feel about heels? I bought a pair of actually comfy high heels from Kurt Geiger. Heels always make people look better (if they can walk in them, if not it looks awful).

I take it you're not totally skint if you can spend £700 on stuff? I'd say buy expensive and just one or two things rather than loads of cheap stuff.

I love asos.com They do lovely stuff.

Also, you sound really down about yourself. Maybe buying new stuff will help but it doesn't always. Have you thought about counselling?

OK since you don't sound totally skint can I recommend that you get yourself to John Lewis and see a personal stylist? I did this after DC1 because my body shape had changed so hugely that I no longer knew how to dress myself. She was amazing. She pulled out stuff I would never have tried and I ended up with an entire new wardrobe. You have to book appts in advance but it is totally worth it.

Great post from SAT. Get thee to Phase Eight - sale on and just try lots of. [http://www.phase-eight.co.uk/fcp/product/fashion//Ribbed-Sleeves-Jumper/401140973 This]] is very flattering and I am tempted to buy another colour. This is more snug but still has the more forgiving drapes. I liked it so much, I bought both colourways. Hobbs is another favourite - single brested classic styles like MELANGE-14&refpage=1105 this one will look good. Love this one from Jaegar. HTH

First link

Decent underwear and a stylist from a department store you like the look of, will do wonders.

You can not build a wardrobe without good shoes. Start from the ground up.

For people easing themselves back into fashion, Monsoon does knock out frocks, that flatter and are comfortable.

Anyway, I am basically repeating what seven says, so listen to her, she is on track.

Lots of great advice here but it sounds like you are lacking in confidence to pick items, you really MUST go and book a personal shopper session in a dept store. Dont be intimidated at all, they are usually lovely and will start by asking about your lifestyle and budget so you really shouldnt come away with things you wont wear or cant afford.

Before you go make a list of 5 or 6 occasions you want to get outfits for eg. day at park with kids, meeting friends for coffee, out for meal with DH etc. THis will really help the personal shopper find the right combination of outfits for you. IF most of your days are casual days make sure 75% of what you buy is casual (ie decent jeans and flattering tops plus a day to day jacket/coat), then add on a few smarter things (I love a nice blouse for example) and one knock out evening dress perhaps??

Phone and book it today! Otherwise you will still be crippled with indecision.

What helps me when I'm in a style rut is to browse fashion mags, and even celeb stuff to find an idea of who's style I like, then when buying stuff think, would that go with that 'style'?

Or decide what shop (even if way above your budget) is most suited to the 'style' you like and it will give you an idea for shopping (in cheaper shops if need be)

So I buy Red magazine (because I like the aspirational 'look' of the fashion to give me ideas)

and keep little brochures from Kew and Boden because although I would probably never buy, too ££, it gives me an idea of 'my' style.

I'm 14/16 too and find Dorothy Perkins good for jeans/trousers if budget limited.

Really good advice here. Love what SevenagainstThebes wrote, and MrsHankey.

I'd just add Cos onto the list of "look at" shops. they do pretty minimalist clothes, with a twist that isn't fashiony fashiony but does raise clothes up to an interesting level - in a non-frightening way. they have some great dresses and coats in at the moment.

And I'd strongly recommend finding a Gap with a good selection of the range they call "the best black trousers ever". they really are. and black trousers are just a great, comfy, work-hard staple to have in your wardrobe.

At the risk of being mocked, I like "Easy Living" for the way they put "looks" together. I wouldn't go out and buy an outfit they feature (it would cost too much for a start!) but their stylists clearly have an eye on what women in their late thirties onwards might want to look like. And those looks can usually be assembled far more cheaply in high street chops.

And chin up, my dear!! Well, you no longer have the body of a teenager but ... that is because you are now a wonderful, older woman who has produced children. You are strong, healthy and have acquired wisdom. Why should you have the body of a teenager? Take pleasure and pride in what your body has achieved, achieves now, and the places it is going to take you in the future. Clothing it, and finding clothes that reflect your personality should be fun, and lead you to a place of playfulness and confidence. Really! It will come - because it really is a joy to be in your body, and in this world. Even in winter. In the depthes of an economic crisis .... Hmm. Maybe forget that last bit.

I am a similar size to you and have got a considerable tummy at the moment .I am finding it difficult to find clothes that look good at the moment though, because of my funny shape.I hope you don't mind when i tell you whats worked for me!.I've decided to shop at just 2 shops this year M&S and Tk maxx, partially to simplify things.I have also stopped buying things on the internet as very few things fit.M&S are really good for basics in black and grey at the moment.The secret support leggings/jodhpurs really do work and per una Roma jeans are good at covering up tummies.Plain black/grey t shirts/cowl necks in cotton/modal are good [size up for a longer length!] and flattering.Cashmere long length cardigans are reduced in tk Maxx at the moment and skim curvy bodies nicely.I love winter as i have some really lovely cashmere/wool coats mostly from Tk Maxx and Laura Ashley and boots from duo that smarten everything up.I top it off with a cashmere beanie from M&S and a cashmere scarf from Tk Maxx [i love anything cashmere as you can tell!].I think the personal shopper is a brilliant idea if you have totally lost your way.But a friend /sister can be a good alternative.I would invest in a really good quality coat and boots in the sales now first [Laura ashley have coats in the sale now] and then start looking for good quality basics.Combine a shopping day with a lovely lunch with a friend to make you feel good plus a makeover at somewhere like Bobbi Brown so you look and feel fabulous.Good luck!.

What an interesting thread and you're not at all pathetic so stop being so hard on yourself. My strategy, (for what it's worth!!) was to try and devise my own style library and stop slavishly following fashion. I have a mummy tummy too and so I look for tops that skim over my middle rather than gripping me. I have kept a neutral colour range at the moment and am going to experiment with colour as I get more confident. I have always worn black and, although I don't think I'll ever really desert it, I do wonder if it makes me look a little tired(which I am!) and very pale. I have started adding blues and greys which are great - they work well together and I can put the grey with my existing blacks.
Give yourself a day off and go to the shops - but not to buy anything. I love to sit in a coffee bar, the kind you find in a shopping centre, and indulge in some people watching. You very quickly get an idea of what kind of people you think are well dressed and then you can start from there. Notice what they are wearing and then adapt it for you - for instance I avoid polo neck jumpers because I have a huge chest but I might look for something similar in a round/v neck. I am a very safe dresser - jeans in biker boots, layering and a long cardigan. For work I just exchange the jeans for a knee length skirt or jersey wrap dress and find that it works for me.
I recently read an interesting article about Italian women who achieve a very easy, elegant style by keeping it simple and following some very basic rules. I can't find a link to it but it was along these lines:
Don't follow fashion, think style instead.
Fewer, better clothes that really flatter.
Only buy items that go with something already in your wardrobe.
Simple accessories change really change an outfit.
Stick to a classic colour range to begin.

Oh - and my last tip!! I have a folder on my computer where I keep articles with pictures of outfits that I really like.

Good luck and enjoy yourself. x

all the things I was going to say above - good bra, gap and cos. Oasis also worth a look.

This is a brilliant thread and of course you're not being pathetic OP.

I seond/third etc much of what has been said already.

Good underwear - I find that Fantasie bras are good for holding my large-ish norks in place and I've got some really good deals on them in House Of Fraser sales. I'm not fond of 'sucker in' knickers, so just wear black lace midis from M&S most of the time but I do like the M&S Autograph slimming opaque tights under skirts.

As an hourglass, dresses and skirts are always better on me than trousers but for jeans I find that Oasis or Gap curvy are the best. A pair of dark indigo straight leg and a pair of dark skinnies will suit just about every occasion, though I also have boy-cut lighter ones that I like to wear slightly rolled up with boots (or with sandals/flip flops in the summer) when I want to be a bit trendier (dd2 gave me a rare thumbs-up when I wore these this weekend!).

I have a couple of thick jersey waisted pencil skirts which are super-comfortable to wear, flattering on an hourgass and can be dressed up or down. Also jersey dresses from The White Company and/or Vivienne Westwood. I love Vivienne Westwood skirts for work too.

Totally agree re having a couple of nice coats. I have a beige cropped belted trench and a grey peacoat. I want my next coat purchase to be a really bright coloured mid thigh or just above the knee single breasted one with a nipped in waist.

Scarves are an easy way to look dressed up without trying - H&M often have a good, cheap selection and House Of Fraser have a brilliant range of more expensive ones.

A couple of pairs of good boots - I'd personally go for tan knee high riding style, black knee high, black biker and maybe grey wedge ankle boots to suit a range of clothes/occasions.

If you want a capsule wardrobe I would start with something like -

3 good bras and nine pairs of knickers (3 for each bra)
2 pairs of dark jeans in styles to suit
2 long sleeved white tops, 2 black, one grey and then others in colours to suit
Couple of long sleeved silk or silky tops for smarter wear
1 black jersey pencil skirt and one grey
1 black jersey dress and one grey (or navy if that suits better)
1 cashmere v neck jumper
1 cashmere hip length cardigan
Tan knee high boots
Black knee high boots
Black maryjanes (if you work)
One good coat and bag
Lots of scarves in colours to suit
Lots of pairs of tights

Can I just say (in case you have been put off) you don't need a big budget to book a John Lewis personal shopper. I was there to buy a whole new work wardrobe so did spend a fair amount but there was another woman there who was just buying a summer dress and that was also fine.

Another vote for phase eight - excellent sale on. Buy good coat.

Longish jumper or cardi not baggy. Slim on arms 3/4 length looks nice.

Shoon has sale on get some very dark brown boots.

Have fun!

When I planned my autumn/winter capsule I started with the colours. This year black,charcoal ,light grey to which I have added splashes of bright colour and also neutrals such as cream and mustard. I would start things you wear the most such as a Mac or coat that ties up at the waist. Then add new jeans and a knee length skirt and knee high boots. I buy mine from jones or Russel and bromley. Next look for a few top in the colours you have chosen in different weights. Such a light weight v neck or cardigan , a blouse and a warmer jumper. Next add nice accesories such as scarf and glove set and a bag. I think you could purchase all these items in one place such as a large marks and Spencer or Wallis. Don't buy anything online and the day you go shopping wear something really easy to take of. Take water with you ( it's thirsty work setting yourself up with a capsule wardrobe) and allow three hours if you can. Good luck. P.s remember to buy some new tights.

Lovely lovely Remus - do you have any links for the jersey waisted pencil skirts that you mentioned - i'd love to see them!

Mine were from M&S Autograph - hang on will have a look.

I may have not been clear enough - I meant that they are jersey with a proper waist shape, rather than elasticated. Can't find them on the Marks site now but they did a lovely grey one. It's basically like a denim skirt but jersey and longer than my (probably indecently short!) denim skirt. I've got a black one from Gap too.

Thank you for the flowers and sorry I can't be more useful.

Play to your strengths - personal shopper will help you find them or ask an honest friend. If boobs, then supportive bra and flash that fabulous cleavage, which will make you feel great and detract all eyes from wobbly tummy. If legs, don't hide them in long skirts.
If you feel you have no strengths (you do, you just don't know it yet), start with a manicure and a great pair of shoes (feet do get fat but nails rarely do).

WOW!!!

I've been thinking about asking on here for so long but really have felt a bit silly at my age to not have a clue. I wish I had asked sooner. What brilliant replies. Thank you all so so much! for taking the time to reply.

With ref to the £700 online shopping spree, I ordered about 5 things in a few different colours which is why the total was huge. I was in one of those 'oh sod it!' frames of mind. I remember when the box arrived that I didn't open it for a couple of days as I just knew nothing would look right. I knew I'd be sending some of the extra options back so I used my credit card to try them out. I only spent £59 in the end. I don't work and am not loaded but am so desparate that I would go into debt to get me out of this rut.

I am not really after becoming a trendy person, more just someone who has an effertless style and still looks great. I used to be fine when I worked before having kids and wore trouser suits all the time, with a bright coloured round or vneck top underneath for a bit of colour. I never used to take my jacket off as I've always been really concious of my 32G boobs. For some reason I aleays seem to be a 32 back size no matter how big I am. I was the same as a siz 12 and when I was a 16 on top. I think you're all right about the underwear issue. I have 1 bra at the moment that is so comfortable. I have a few other in the drawers that I can't stand wearing as they rub and dig in and are just so uncomfortable. They are by the same brand as my old faithful one but just don't fit very well. I even have 2 more in the same size and style as this one but they just don't fit. Is that possible?

When I was working I felt 'ok' for 5 days a week and then had the same dilemma as I do now at weekends or if I was ever going out. I always see women looking lovely and elegant and really want to look like that but have no clue where to start.

No I feel like this 7 days a week. I sometimes feel to embarrassed to leave the house but my lovely kids are here to help me snap out of that feeling. I have a 4 year old daughter and 2 year old son and would like to be a stylish mum and role model for them.

I have tried the John Lewis Personal Shopper but it wasn't very successful. I was told that the point of the personal shopper is better for an outfit for a specific occassion than for a whole wardrobe. I felt like I wasn't being given the time. This was in Kingston.

I have also tried the colour me beautiful colour session and felt like the lady I went to see got her style advice from margaret thatcher except that she was in a horrible orange skirt and yellow blouse. Again I felt rushed and was given a booklet with outlines of what I should go for and what I shoudn't. Some of the images looked like nothing that anyone would wear today, so I didn't find it at all helpful.

I also don't wear make up. I wouldn't know how to. I sometimes wear a bit of lipstick if we're going to a wedding. For me that is really dressing up.

Maybe it's just me! I don't want a makeover although I think that's probably what I need. I just want to be able to wake up and throw something on and feel good and get on with the day. Rather than always wearing the same thing and feeling realluy drab.

My daughter is 4 now and at 6 1/2 months we discovered she has allergies. Over the years we've discovered more and more foods. This has really taken it's toll on me and the anxiety has been awful. I am on anti depressants which are helping but I still need to do something to boost my confidence. I think counselling would be a good idea, but I really do think being able to look half decent would really help. It has been a very isolating 3 1/2 years. :(

At 43 I still tend to go to dorothy perkins for my annual jumper purchase. After a few months it usually bobbles and then I wear it until it is literally falling apart at which point I trawl the shops and try one loads and end up buying another black 'it'll have to do' jumper.

I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this. I am really very grateful to you all. You all sound so 'together' and i'm so impressed that you've all taken the time to post back so many thoughtful replies.

Thank you so so much.

xxx

OP - it sounds like you have lost your way a bit and you shouldn't feel bad about that, or beat yourself up, it happens to lots of us as we get older, have kids etc...

Firstly I would start to have a look what's out there at the moment - look in magazines such as, Red, Easy living, Prima etc... Also go and have a browse around a department store such as JL which has lots of different brands in it. As others have said, you could consider a session with a personal stylist. My mother did this and had a fab time. There is also a nice website called 'wearingittoday' which I like to look at for ideas.

Then work out what it is you actually NEED and would wear. Decide what your budget is.

Agree with others that good underwear will make you feel better instantly. I like M&S, JL and I have even got a couple of really well fitting bras from Sainsburys should you find yourself on a budget.

If you are keen to create a capsule wardrobe, stick to neutral colours with one accent colour that suits you - this way you can mix and match more easily. For example, I have lots of navy, caramels and beiges in my wardrobe and blue is my accent colour.

I think the following items are worth consideration - remember that less really can be more. I would go for quality rather than quantity.

Coat - something to the knee and well fitting. I have a trench from M&S. It was around £80 and I wear it year round.
Bag - Tan leather is a safe option for a capsule wardrobe
3-4 Tops / Ts - white, black, grey, colour of your choice - try GAP and Cos
Cashmere cardigan in a neutral colour - M&S, Boden or Brora of you are very flash!!
Cashmere jumper - try a few and decide what neckline suits you best
Denim Jeans - straight leg is universally flattering - GAP, Levis
Wool trousers - M&S have some nice ones right now
Day Dress - wrap style or tunic type - Joules, Boden, JL
LBD - something nice for going out - picked well, a black dress will hardly date and can be worn over and over
Pencil Skirt
Blouse / shirt
Brown knee high riding style boots
Heeled shoes
Flats
Scarves, beads, brooches to brighten it all up.

OP I really think if you are to crack this you need someone to advise you. Sorry you had such a terrible experience with the JL shopper. I used one at their branch on Oxford Street and I didn't have a specific outfit in mind:my brief was, please help me look like I can put an outfit together. She was great. Could you consider a day trip to London? Book now for after Christmas and you can also benefit from the sales....