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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DSS 25 yrs sneaking in new girlfriend....hmmn

27 replies

MRSVICTOR · 17/10/2009 14:10

DSS has just came out of long term relationship, his ex would pop in say hello etc all normal stuff. Now DSS has a new girl on the scene, she's stayed over about 6 times now, each time they run up the stairs to avoid us and run out again in the morning. It's not that I'm adverse to her staying over as he is 25 but its the sneaking around I suppose....I know I'm a bit uptight so thought I'd ask for others views before I acted

OP posts:
Drooper · 17/10/2009 14:18

Did his ex stay overnight? What are the house rules about overnight guests.

I wouldn't mind personally, but it would be polite for him to introduce her.

Prob part of the thrill of new relationship though (am a bit envious!)

ThingumyandBob · 17/10/2009 14:35

I remember sneaking into my ex-husbands house when we were first together?and then dashing off when it was time to leave.

My mother of my previous boyfriend had hated me, so I had ?mother of boyfriend phobia?! Also at the time I was living in my own place, so it seemed really odd to stay over at his (his was walking distance to town, money saved on taxi = money spend on lazy breakfast out the next morning).

In the end she knocked on the bedroom door and came right in and introduced herself, we ended up getting on like a house on fire?..

She might suffer from the same phobia or just be shy, oh I was terrified about meeting my current partners Dad and step Mum (they were very lovely too) because my divorce took ages to finalise so I wasn?t divorced when we got together?.meeting the parents can be a tad scary!

Original poster
MRSVICTOR · 17/10/2009 14:47

Oh there are no house rules in this house but that's another thread....
The pattern seems to be during the week she'll go home (after keeping DSD awake who has school the next day ) and at weekends she'll stay over.
I think she probably is shy as she's younger than him, infact DSS also incredibly shy so likely he's not confident enough to introduce her. Plus both myself and DH are the NOSIEST people on the planet so he proably knows there's about 50 questions coming her way.
I think DSS would die if I knocked on his door and came in....I don't think they're 'doing it' though...DSS is currently in the box room, no room to swing a cat let alone much else....

OP posts:
Drooper · 17/10/2009 14:59

I expect they are 'doing it'.

I had a house share at that age and my room was a converted cupboard. Only room for a bed and chest of drawers. I still managed!

Wouldn't be happy about them keeping your DSD awake, so you do need to have a word.

Good Luck

Original poster
MRSVICTOR · 17/10/2009 17:00

Really?...yes you're probably right...I probably would've too at that age. Will have a word about the school nights cos that really does annoy me, happy days!!

OP posts:
2rebecca · 17/10/2009 23:14

I wouldn't want that and feel the fact that he's a stepson is irrelevent. I generally feel adults who want a sexual relationship should have their own flat or house. If anyone is staying overnight at my house I expect my husband and I to be aware of it and to be the ones inviting them. He's not 16, he's an adult who should grow up a bit and show some respect if he can't be bothered to move out. I'd be telling him that behaviour isn't on and show him some flat rental ads.
I don't get these adults who still live with mummy and daddy though.

tearinghairout · 17/10/2009 23:20

Ask him to introduce her, promise you'll say 'Hello' only and not give her the third degree. And stick to it! gradually it'll get better

I disagree with 2rebecca, I think it's perfectly OK for an adult to have a 'guest' to stay.

ravenAK · 17/10/2009 23:24

Hmm. I wouldn't have an issue with him having gf to stay over, but might expect him to introduce her - given you are adults sharing a living space I'd think he could manage to bring her into the living room to say hi rather than smuggling her upstairs like a teenager.

I think it'd be fair enough to ask him to show more consideration re: keeping people up on school nights, & say whilst you're at it something like 'You don't have to whisk her up to your room everytime she comes round you know, it's fine for her to stay, & it'd be nice to say hi to her properly sometime so she doesn't feel awkward running into your dad & me'.

tearinghairout · 17/10/2009 23:28

Yes, what raven said. And don't forget to smile at her, she's probably terrified of meeting you!

2rebecca · 18/10/2009 10:41

Some parents do seem to want their adult children to have prolonged adolescences. I don't understand why any non disabled 25 year old would still be living with his parents. Fine when they're at university or college but mine are definitely going to be pushed out once they are old enough to earn. All this mollycoddling isn't good for anyone.

ellceeell · 18/10/2009 10:50

How old are your children 2rebecca? I'd have assumed that mine would be independent when they grew up but we now have a 20 and a 23 yr old living at home with us - it is just so expensive to get their own places. Mollycoddling doesn't come into it.

ellceeell · 18/10/2009 10:51

oops, didn't answer the op - he should at least introduce his girlfriend - that's just basic manners!

BiteOfFun · 18/10/2009 10:52

I have to agree with 2rebecca here- the problem is stemming from the fact he is acting like a sulky teenager rather than a grown man, and he shouldn't be there in the first place. What steps is he taking towards independence? A 25yr old living with his parents wouldn't have impressed me much at that age.

BiteOfFun · 18/10/2009 10:55

A bedsit, house share, or small rented flat is well within the earning level of a young adult. Of course they won't be rolling in disposable income, but that's life. Are all these adult children living with mummy and daddy saving for deposits or something? IME they tend to blow in on beer and weed.

BiteOfFun · 18/10/2009 10:55

Blow it, sorry.

ellceeell · 18/10/2009 11:00

"living with mummy and daddy"? What a patronising comment BiteOfFun. What about when jobs are very difficult to come by?

BiteOfFun · 18/10/2009 11:04

I'm making the point that they are being infantalised by useing that language.

There aren't many jobs near where I live, but young people still move out and rent, or move away for opportunities.

Squishabelle · 18/10/2009 11:09

Do any of you who are criticising older dcs still living/or returning home after uni have ANY idea what its like for them? Up to their eyeballs in student debt; not being able to get a mortgage or job...... For some there is no opton but to live at home and I dont think many of them would choose this option if there was any alternative. Even a bedsit or house share is totally out of their reach.

Disenchanted3 · 18/10/2009 11:10

Ermm why is a 25 years old living with you?

AnnTwacky · 18/10/2009 11:27

Does he have a job, OP?

Any job, not a graduate job necessarily, will build self-respect and create opportunities for more satifying adult relationships than a fumble in a single bed at your parents' place. If it is low-paid then the debts from education, if there are any, can be deferred, and he can claim housing benefit etc.

What is he doing to make his life a more adult one? Because behaving like this at 25 is pretty bad really- how are things going to magically change on their own? He could still be doing this at thirty- not attractive!

mrsjammi · 18/10/2009 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MRSVICTOR · 19/10/2009 11:07

Hmmn can of worms has been opened here. Yes DSS has full time job, I think it would be difficult nigh on impossible for him to get a mortgage with his credit score. I dont know what credit checks they'd do for a rental property but I dont want us to be guarantor. I'd be happier if I saw some planning to get his own place (like putting money away) but its not happening.
Girlfriend came round last night and we shouted hello as they ran up the stairs, its a start I suppose.

OP posts:
mustrunmore · 19/10/2009 11:17

I know lots of 25yr olds who live at home, they simply cant afford to move out. Well, they could flat share in a shitty area like dh did when he first moved down here. But I suspect staying in a nice family home is preferable in many cases.

Tbh, I am 35 and dh is 44 and we can only just afford a home of our own even though dh works 50 hours a week and I saved all my salary for years pre-kids, and we sold our flats at good profit to buy this house (right timing etc). We cant afford to save anything for the boys, and I do wonder how on earth they'll ever afford to move out.

mumblechum · 19/10/2009 11:31

Sorry to go off on a bit of a tangent, but was interested in what MRM was saying.

DH and I were out at RHS Wisley yesterday and were remarking how old a lot of the parents of little children were - some of them looked well into their 40s with little under 5s, and we were wondering whether this is all due to people nowadays having such a struggle to get themselves establised on the housing ladder before they even think about having kids.

We were among the last of the fortunate few who didn't have tuition fees, student debts and house prices were quite low when we bought our first houses at 21 and 22 respectively.

A lot of the families yesterday must have had to put on hold a lot of things such as buying houses, starting a family until way longer - 15 to 20 years longer - than we did because of the way things have changed financially, esp. in the SE.

mustrunmore · 19/10/2009 11:51

Possibly so, mumblechum. Although in our case, we didnt have kids cos we didnt know each other till he was 32 anyway! We had ds1 in our flat, but dh put his foot down about not having ds2 until we'd got a bigger place. I didnt like that at all at the time, but in retrospect, he was right (I hate to admit!). We didnt decide we could afford to have a family, it just kind of came up as an issue, it was the right time in my career etc.

I was at uni at the time grants decreased each year, so I made it through by the skin of my financial teeth, and only also because my Dad gave me £100 a month for the duration.And because I was in North Wales; I'd never have survived paying London prices on a grant. I really dont know how the boys will amange, unles we run electricity down the garden to the playhouse and make them live there