Light hearted conversation ended in dramatics

[songbird3086]

So at dinner last night myself and DH his mother, sister and brother. For contact we all get on fabulously and there are zero issues.
we were discussing a friend we all know and his recent break up and my DH jokingly said that he would love to go find a little 2 bed and have a batchelor pad where he can have things that I don’t like. We all laughed and I said well you’d need a 3 bed ( we have a 8 year old boy together and his daughter 18 who has lived with us full time since 15 and is no contact with her mum )
he again jokingly said “oh she’d definitely prefer to stay put than move with me “ and I replied well that wouldn’t be an option if you left me she’d be going with you and our son would he shared.

now.. his mother and sister looked horrified and say if his daughter chose to stay in the family home with me. I said no that I’d struggle enough on one income so I wouldn’t want the responsibility unfortunately. Now this was all totally hypothetical but it wound me up.

They kept going on about it and saying that was awful of me and I just said it’s logistics it wouldn’t change me seeing her or anything about the relationship but a child at home lives with there parent end of. My DH saw this going south and quickly tried to smooth it over and end it but his mother said that she was shocked and thought better of me!!

I replied well you’ve got two spare rooms so I guess you could always offer!

its really annoyed me that now im painted as some awful person!

Sounds like he was being jokey, and you weren’t
after you all laughed you should have kept your mouth shut

I agree, he was clearly joking you took it too seriously with your "actually..." injection of reality into a lighthearted comment.

I think you have accidentally revealed a lot there about your feelings towards step daughter - she lives with you full time, your son is her half-brother, but it’s obvious to you that if you and DH split up you’d no longer let her live with you or feel responsible for her.

Now you’re not wrong to feel that way, but it is a serious topic and if DH’s wider family had assumed you’d have more maternal feelings towards your step daughter I can see why they’d be surprised and want to discuss that more seriously.

It wasn’t a necessary or kind point to make in that context imo, you could have just joked along saying “oh yes she prefers my cooking” or whatever, instead you chose to make it more serious.

What your DH said was a joke (and a huge compliment) - why on earth did you spoil it?

How awful of you to say that. I often joke that I'd like DH to have a little place of his own to keep all of his hobby hunk in!! You made it about your steo daughter not being yours

You definitely did spoil in and cause crap for no real reason.

I hate hypothetical or jokey conversations about marriages breaking up so I probably wouldn’t have laughed along but at the same time I wouldn’t have brought everyone down to earth with a bump like that . Apart from anything else it makes it seem like you’ve considered it .

Yeah it was light-hearted until you said in earnest that you would not have SD stay in the house if DH left. That wasn't a joke, was it?

You didn't need to say it and it makes it look like you're seriously thinking about separation.

You took the joke further than it needed.

You are not wrong, and his mother should mind her own business. you’ve got two spare rooms so I guess you could always offer! is a beautiful answer 😂

But it was a light joke between your husband and you, you gave it a harder turn, too close to the truth.
If it was 2 parents joking that they would only keep their favorite child and the other parent would get the other one, it would be obviously a joke

You were truthful but it probably didn't need to be said. Still doesn't give the right to your MIL to but in.

Your title is a bit misleading - you brought the drama and then doubled down when given the opportunity to dial it back. Your views should be part of a discussion between your husband and you, not announced at a family dinner during a light-hearted conversation.

This. Unfortunately this is on you op, you were really quite unpleasant. What possessed you to say it?!

Agree with pp: last night wasn’t the time or the place to say what you said. You may have meant it lightly but seeing as you’re living a step parent’s life, surely you know this is a serious topic, not a joking one?! This one’s on you I’m afraid. You’re allowed to feel what you feel, but so if everyone else. You should have saved it for a sensible conversation with just your DH.

Still, at least they all know where you stand, eh?

Did his original comment hurt you and you were having a little dig back?

I think in that situation I would have said the same as you @songbird3086. You were being very fact based and correct, with no possibility of someone saying further down the line that you ‘agreed to x,y,z’ just because you didn’t disagree. It gets me into trouble at times too.

He made a joke about a totally hypothetical situation and you, with a staggering lack of tact, for some reason turned that into making a point about how you’d instantly ditch your son’s sister if you split up.

I’m not saying your assumption that your stepdaughter should live with her dad is incorrect. But jeez, read the room. There’s a time and a place to have that conversation and it’s not in the middle of having a laugh with your partner and his family.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. Yes it was a joke etc, but MIL and SIL should have sided with OP and told DH that he was the shocking one to suggest leaving DD with OP.

Why is DH getting away with that comment and OP is getting so much stick for hers??

Deary me @songbird3086 first time posting on Mumsnet 😂
Has anyone told you yet that it would be an honour to be left responsible for an adult child that isn't yours 😂
Can't even be arsed reading the replies.

I think PPs are being harsh. I'd have been a bit hurt by his joke about the bachelor pad tbh... many a true word spoken in jest and all that.

I'm not sure why he & his family would assume your SD would still live with you - except that his bachelor pad dream would be messed up by being responsible for his own DC, so of course you'd have them...

I think I wouldn’t have got into this, and would have gone with, ‘you’ve got too many children to go and live in a 2-bed, dear!’ But hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I mean I definitely responded in a joke way also and to he fair the conversation was all very light until it died down and my MIL asked me why I wouldn’t automatically agree if SD decided to stay I’ll totally admit I did bite on reflection as there are several comments to us about the disparity between the children even though it’s utter rubbish and SD herself had openly said she loves us and is really happy since the move.

i had been extremely good to her and in turns she’s a great kid and I think of her as important in my life but I do draw the line at both her parents leaving me with responsibilities no matter how jokey it was!!

I would never end contact or stop any of my support but if expecting her to live with her father after a break up makes me a monster then so be it I’m afraid!
It wouldn’t even be a question I would assume that was the plan!

Do you secretly wish you didn’t have a step daughter?

Me too. I wonder if a stepdad would be met with the same horrified reaction for saying what you said.

@AnitaCamlord really? Of course I don’t! Gosh step mothers really get a rough bloody deal. What a thankless position it seems

I think you’ve missed the point here.

sure, you can think that, and absolutely yes she should move with her dad in this situation.

but to say it so matter of factly in front of his family on a lighthearted chat is totally lacking in tact and cold hearted.

Your MIL is like a lot of posters, expecting more of the step mother than of either parents.
Well done on putting her straight.