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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Lazy Adult Step Child!!!

33 replies

TheBroker · 17/12/2025 10:20

Good morning all,

I'm at my wits end with an ongoing issue I have with my Wife and her Step Son. Myself and my wife have been married 6 years, together 15 years. My Step Son is nearly 32 years old and still lives at home with us. Since I meet his Mum he has been to University and graduated with a Marine Biology Degree, went back to University and Got a Post Graduate Teaching Degree so he could teach. Since then he has gone travelling on 2 occasions in Thailand. He has been at home from his second trip 7 months now and making no effort to find work. In between each Thailand trip he did some temporary teaching work and decided he didn't like teaching!!

Since he left college at the age of 20 he has done a total of about 9 months temporary work and I have worked out about 5-6 years of just dossing about at home doing nothing (Apart from sitting in his bedroom playing computer games)

I am now at the point where I refuse to Financially help House and Feed him and am very close to packing my bags and moving out. I love my wife, but everybody has their limit? We have had many "Conversations" about this issue and my wife keeps saying she will sit him down and talk to him, which she does, but then nothing changes.

My issue is I am "Damned if I do or Damned if I Don't"

I could just "Put up and Shut up" which I feel I have done over the years in a hope that he does finally grow up and take responsibility for himself and his future, or I move out which will obviously have a massive negative effect in the short term on myself and my wife!

I appreciate there is never a magic "One size fits all" answer but any advice / suggestions from anybody else that has been in a similar situation would be greatly received.

OP posts:
ChristmasJumper25 · 17/12/2025 10:25

What's your housing situation? Do you own the house together? How would you moving out impact them? I'm wondering if a potential upheaval in you moving out would focus her mind somewhat in dealing with the situation.

She's doing her son no favours encouraging this pattern of behaviour because one day he'll have to stand on his own two feet.

Gall10 · 17/12/2025 10:28

Usual,response to this is ‘turn off the wifi’

Chewbecca · 17/12/2025 10:43

"Put up and Shut up"
Don't Give Him any Money though.

hypnovic · 17/12/2025 12:47

Suggest he sees a GP for a mental health/autism assessment as this isn't normal adult behaviour. You look at whole house finances and split 3 ways ir he leaves. My adult children are at home and we contribute relatively evenly now i do pay a bit more but they early 20s not mid 30s

Newmum288 · 17/12/2025 12:50

Enforce appropriate financial contributions and housework and surely he’ll realise he’s better off elsewhere!

Terfarina · 17/12/2025 12:52

He needs to grow up. Split household costs three ways and tell him what his monthly share will be. A man in his 30s should be funding his own life.

If his mum isn't tackling this issue maybe you need to give her notice that you will.

Pherian · 17/12/2025 12:56

TheBroker · 17/12/2025 10:20

Good morning all,

I'm at my wits end with an ongoing issue I have with my Wife and her Step Son. Myself and my wife have been married 6 years, together 15 years. My Step Son is nearly 32 years old and still lives at home with us. Since I meet his Mum he has been to University and graduated with a Marine Biology Degree, went back to University and Got a Post Graduate Teaching Degree so he could teach. Since then he has gone travelling on 2 occasions in Thailand. He has been at home from his second trip 7 months now and making no effort to find work. In between each Thailand trip he did some temporary teaching work and decided he didn't like teaching!!

Since he left college at the age of 20 he has done a total of about 9 months temporary work and I have worked out about 5-6 years of just dossing about at home doing nothing (Apart from sitting in his bedroom playing computer games)

I am now at the point where I refuse to Financially help House and Feed him and am very close to packing my bags and moving out. I love my wife, but everybody has their limit? We have had many "Conversations" about this issue and my wife keeps saying she will sit him down and talk to him, which she does, but then nothing changes.

My issue is I am "Damned if I do or Damned if I Don't"

I could just "Put up and Shut up" which I feel I have done over the years in a hope that he does finally grow up and take responsibility for himself and his future, or I move out which will obviously have a massive negative effect in the short term on myself and my wife!

I appreciate there is never a magic "One size fits all" answer but any advice / suggestions from anybody else that has been in a similar situation would be greatly received.

Give her a deadline. Say he needs to be out by x date. You’ll contribute a deposit for a flat and two months rent. Then that’s it, no more living at home.

I think that’s a fair way to go about it.

Supersimkin7 · 17/12/2025 12:59

Awful for you. Do you think the man will ever want to move out?

Supersimkin7 · 17/12/2025 12:59

Awful for you. Do you think the man will ever want to move out?

Meadowfinch · 17/12/2025 13:01

Pherian · 17/12/2025 12:56

Give her a deadline. Say he needs to be out by x date. You’ll contribute a deposit for a flat and two months rent. Then that’s it, no more living at home.

I think that’s a fair way to go about it.

Show quote history

Sounds reasonable. Remember to take his key back.

Moanyoldmoan · 17/12/2025 13:04

Supersimkin7 · 17/12/2025 12:59

Awful for you. Do you think the man will ever want to move out?

Of course he doesn’t - why would he? Sounds like he has his perfect life funded by his mum and stepdad

ThirdStorm · 17/12/2025 13:11

My friends son is in his 30s living with her, and moved his wife in! Be careful! All because they “can’t afford to live independently” apparently. She runs around after them, ever the hostess. Not sure where it ends.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/12/2025 13:11

I would just initiate a divorce tbh, how many times do you need to have a talk about this and nothing changes?

Fairyladyonwheels · 17/12/2025 13:21

How is the step son able to live if he doesn't earn money. Surely he is paying for his phone, food, Social life and so on but if you are giving him money to do all this, no wonder he is being lazy. Tell him he needs to be earning and paying keep.

LightUpLavender · 17/12/2025 14:06

Sounds extremely frustrating. I’d be fine myself at this point. Perhaps one more talk, cards on the table time. Then either he or you are gone if nothing changes. Be prepared to go though.

Nocookiesforme · 17/12/2025 14:34

@TheBroker
So how is he supporting himself? Is he making a financial contribution to the household? He has worked so presumably it's not that he's lacking the skills to look for work?
The key here is your DW.
Do you know why your DW is so reluctant to sort this out? Is your SS tricky to deal with? Does he have proven severe MH issues that means that he needs sympathetic handling? Is she scared to rock the boat by laying down reasonable boundaries?

Redburnett · 17/12/2025 14:49

Just tell her you chose her as a partner and you want to live with her, and you do not want to be in a household of three with another adult. Either she tells the son to move out or you do. Give it, say, two weeks then move out, perhaps to a hotel or airbnb if you think it might only need to be temporary. But the chances are she will choose her son.

Ponderingwindow · 17/12/2025 14:52

This is bad parenting on your wife’s part. She is enabling her son at this point. You don’t have to stand by and watch her let him ruin his life. Leaving really is your only option.

Sanasaaa · 17/12/2025 14:57

If you've already spoken about it with your wife multiple times and nothing changes, you get to choose whether this is all you want from life.

Will you be able to buy the woman out of the house?

StruggleFlourish · 17/12/2025 15:00

Hi there, I've known someone in an almost exactly the same situation as you except for the fact that the adult child still living at home did not have so much education completed.
But everything else,
The fact that it was his partners adult son, the adult son mostly spent all day playing video games and doing whatever, but not working and not helping around the house and not contributing financially, that whenever he got a job he did it for a little while then decided he didn't want to do it. That the mother always stood up for him always made excuses for him always defended him and always made sure that he stayed in the house and stayed supportive and kept sneaking money into his pocket.

And the male partner felt very much like you. And they had many discussions. And he felt that this was definitely not helping the son to learn any responsibility. And she said she couldn't not support him. And he ended up leaving.

He said it was the best decision he ever made.

Doone22 · 17/12/2025 16:17

An extreme method: downsize to a house with no extra bedrooms

Wildrose83 · 17/12/2025 17:26

Sorry, can you clarify who this man belongs to? Is it your wife’s son? Or step son? If it’s her step son, why does she have parental responsibility?

PensionedCruiser · 17/12/2025 17:30

Maybe "the talk" needs to be with both of you. He might not be listening to mum.

MinnieCauldwell · 17/12/2025 17:33

If it was me and I had the where withall I would leave. He will still be there at 45. Your wife will pick him over you every time.

Sanasaaa · 17/12/2025 17:33

No one has parental responsibility over a bloke in his thirties 😆