Lazy Adult Step Child!!!

[TheBroker]

Good morning all,

I'm at my wits end with an ongoing issue I have with my Wife and her Step Son. Myself and my wife have been married 6 years, together 15 years. My Step Son is nearly 32 years old and still lives at home with us. Since I meet his Mum he has been to University and graduated with a Marine Biology Degree, went back to University and Got a Post Graduate Teaching Degree so he could teach. Since then he has gone travelling on 2 occasions in Thailand. He has been at home from his second trip 7 months now and making no effort to find work. In between each Thailand trip he did some temporary teaching work and decided he didn't like teaching!!

Since he left college at the age of 20 he has done a total of about 9 months temporary work and I have worked out about 5-6 years of just dossing about at home doing nothing (Apart from sitting in his bedroom playing computer games)

I am now at the point where I refuse to Financially help House and Feed him and am very close to packing my bags and moving out. I love my wife, but everybody has their limit? We have had many "Conversations" about this issue and my wife keeps saying she will sit him down and talk to him, which she does, but then nothing changes.

My issue is I am "Damned if I do or Damned if I Don't"

I could just "Put up and Shut up" which I feel I have done over the years in a hope that he does finally grow up and take responsibility for himself and his future, or I move out which will obviously have a massive negative effect in the short term on myself and my wife!

I appreciate there is never a magic "One size fits all" answer but any advice / suggestions from anybody else that has been in a similar situation would be greatly received.

Do your DW a favour and divorce her. She’s probably worried sick about her son’s failure to fledge the nest and needs your support and active help rather than your bitching and smacked arse face.

There are choices being made here, do not remove your right to have one too. The future is not known, proceeding with caution and some expectation of what's to come is helpful when preparing yourself for the potential negatives, but it does not inform the definites of the situation you're going to find yourself in. Moments like this are sliding doors moments. If this is damaging you (financially, emotionally, mentally) then make yourself a promise to change the situation. It could be to forgive the situation and not question the equality of it, live and let live. It could be to remove yourself from the experience of it and close it off. If that means separation and protection of your inner peace is gained, celebrate that and embrace it. Life's too short to be unhappy. Instead of making the right decison, make the decision right in how it works for you.

Unfortunately this is a wife/relationship issue, youve told her the situation is not accpetable to you and she isnt changing it for you. All you can do is set your personal boundaries and stick with them. I'd be ensuring none of my money goes towards this immediately, although if you share finances this is difficult, you can't really dictate what she spends money on, so if she wants to pay his phone bill or buy him food that's on her, untangle your money from hers and hold your line. It's not an OK living arrangement for you either. I'd suggest offering some support for him to leave as others have said. However, if he won't go, and his mum won't make him, then you need to stick to your own boundary - be prepared to leave, you might need to. You can't force her, or him, you can only hold your line and if you're saying this is unacceptable then you don't accept it! You have to remove yourself from this living situation. Painful sadly, but it is the only thing you have control over here. You can't control her or him, you can only explain to her that this is your boundary, this is making you unhappy and then hold fast. Don't say it's unacceptable and accept it, says its unacceptable and then act for yourself, change the situation for you and leave her to it.

So is he financially dependent on his mum and you? Not paying rent, food, etc?
I think his mum needs to give him notice and ultimatum - find a job, pay rent, food, bills or move out.
He's a grown man.

i don’t think contributions are the point here. Even if starts paying he may stop and then you’re at square one. He actually needs to move out.

If he has undiagnosed mental health or ND issues you cannot force him to get assessed. That is his responsibility at this age.

Unfortunately the only way forward is an ultimatum to your wife. Either he goes or you go.

i don’t think contributions are the point here. Even if starts paying he may stop and then you’re at square one. He actually needs to move out.

If he has undiagnosed mental health or ND issues you cannot force him to get assessed. That is his responsibility at this age.

Unfortunately the only way forward is an ultimatum to your wife. Either he goes or you go.

Just ask for financial contributions

DON’T go on about needs a job and sort his life leave him to it

I know you said you have discussed this and nothing happens but I think you need to have a sit down conversation with your wife again. Be very clear with your expectations/ what you want and ask what she wants as well. It might be that she isn't pushing it because she doesn't actually want him to leave. Then, come to a compromise/ clear joint decision based on your discussion. That may be a number of things depending on what you decide e.g.

• He is given his 'notice' - 3 months and he moves out. State an actual date and discuss with your wife what you will do if he doesn't prepare e.g. he must leave and stay with a friend/ things in storage etc.
• You decide he can still live with you as an adult lodger. This would require market rate rent and he must pay for his own food, toiletries etc like a student would in a house share. Again, you need to be clear about when this starts and what you will do if he doesn't pay up e.g. sending bills/ signing a rental agreement with you both.

It might be that a passing conversation to him saying 'you need to get a job' and 'you need to move out' but then doing nothing else says to him that you don't mind him staying there and carrying on as it is. Good luck! It seems a shame to damage your own relationship for someone else behaviour.