New step mum advice

[thatsnotmydog]

So wondering what's normal, my husband of two years has a daughter of 13yo with his ex wife, my SC.
I had a baby 6 months ago my DH came home tonight saying his daughter wants him to go to her drama end of year show at the end of term. He said he only has one ticket and I say that's fine (as it's the last thing I'd want to do) because I have a baby and he'd might cry and spoil it. Would you expect my husband to sit by himself or sit with his ex wife? I'm not sure if her partner is coming or not. What is normal and what is not? I'd rather he didn't sit with his ex wife but can I really say that?

I’d sit with my ex husband in that situation tbh. And I’m even going to his sister’s birthday party next week.

My recently ex DP would also have sat with his ex, and given her a lift, and turned up with her lipstick kiss on his cheek for good measure, so I totally get why this might feel uncomfortable for you. But unfortunately it’s part and parcel of being with someone who has DC from a previous relationship. One reason I’m now actively dating men who don’t have children!!

I get it might make you feel a but uncomfortable as it's an ex, but they are ex's for a reason.

My EXDP's current girlfriend absolutely hates that we are still friends and attend our DDs assembly's ect together but it's something he's told her she will just need to get used to as we aren't together and it makes our DD happy.

You need to get used to them having to be next to each other for the rest of their lives.

One day they could be sitting at the too table of their daughters wedding while youbare somewhere else

Their daughter may want a picture of both her parents and her children.

The possibilities are endless.

They will be sat together watching their daughter. They won't be shagging in the aisles of the auditorium 😅😅 so there is no need to worry. Why not enjoy the peace at home instead?

I get on well with my exh but we never sit together at events. I don't think this was a conscious decision by either of us - we arrive separately & so just sit wherever. Maybe we're weird but dc get on great with both of us & never questioned it & neither did I until now tbh.

We usually try to sit with all of our blended family on both sides no matter who is there. But sometimes it doesn't work out re timings of arrivals etc. If the first one to arrive doesn't save a seat for the other one it won't happen of course.

It's normal to feel a bit weird about your DP going to an event 'with' his ex without you, but if you can get used to it, it will be more peaceful and harmonious for everyone in the long run.

Its normal to feel funny about it but it's something you will get used to with time. I would actually rather sit next to a rabid dog than my ex husband!

as an ex and a step mum, I can see it from both sides. If my DP went to parents evening or school play, I would be fine with him sitting with his ex. It’s putting the child’s needs first. And same other way round. The children don’t want to get caught up in the adults emotional baggage. Just make their lives easy and be the bigger person. When I see my ex at kids related activities, we chat briefly, always about the children and are civil but there’s no is no small talk or anything like that, it’s more of a business type relationship which we keep amicable for the sake of the children. And my DP is the same with his ex. Your step daughter will appreciate your not making it awkward for her by having her parents on opposite sides of the room. You have nothing to worry about, he is with you and she is an ex for a reason.

I’m 9 years into this and would effing delighted if my DH and his Ex got along well enough to sit next to one another.

There is no need to be jealous. They’d still be together if they wanted to be.

Anything good for your DSD is good for your DH and for you, too in the long run.

I had something similar for DSS a couple of years ago. DH and his ex sat together, I didn't like the idea of it but I was also happy they did for my DSS. I also told DH to make sure DSS had a photo with his mum and dad in as it was a big life event for him. It's absolutely fine to feel uncomfortable about it so ignore any nasty comments. But try and look at it from your DSDs perspective and how you would feel for your child if this was them in a few years. That's what helps me when the irrational part of my brain starts talking!

For the child's sake they should sit together. And at parents evening, and graduation, and their wedding.

They made a child together. She deserves for them to continue to work together to support her.

It doesn't meant they're shagging or regret breaking up

I do understand the discomfort, too, just power through it though.

I think if you marry a man who is a father you need to stop thinking ‘he is sitting with his ex’ and start think ‘he is attending a family event with the mother of his child.’ If you said you don’t want him to sit next to his child’s mother you would sound childish and petty - think of the stress it puts on a young girl if she knows her parents (the two people she loves most in the world) can’t even sit next to each other when supporting her.

I think even if you’re separated it’s so so important to be as civil (even friendly) as possible for the children. Your relationship not working out is no excuse to put the kids in an awkward situation. Showing a united front when supporting her is the mature and reasonable course of action here.

My partner and his ex wife dont get along so definitely wouldnt sit next to each other. It depends if things are amicable between them. I dont see a problem with it, its just for a kids show and only one night. He's with you now and you've had a baby yourselves, try not to worry too much. Doubt they will be sitting talking they are there to watch a show it will be small civil exchanges imo

My husband and his ex would sit together. And if I went and her partner did we would all sit together. We spend afternoons together at stepsons football tournaments. She buys my 2 kids birthday and Xmas presents.
They aren't friends, and tbh they do disagree on things often but their son would never have a clue. They have always just put him first, so nice for him to find mum & dad together in the crowd at whatever event.

Lol at these comments. OP it does depend on their relationship whether they would choose to or not, but to say it deeply affects the child if they were to sit separately is nonsense!
And as for people saying not to refer to them as an ‘ex’ just goes to show how crazy the resentment is on here to step mums. They are an ex, 100%.
‘I am the mother of your child’ is what my partners EX used to say to him to try & get whatever she wanted from him regardless or not as to whether it was about their DC. And now she wonders why their communication is almost non-existence, she couldn’t handle it.
I sympathise with you OP, but talk to your partner and let him know your feelings at least. It’s good to talk about it.

Regardless of how we have been feeling at the time - my EX and I sit together, talk like adults and interact with the teachers and other parents at these events - as our DCS parents.

We are a unit parenting the kids together.
Which is why new partners do not turn up - our kids have their parents present focussed on them. They deserve that they are the focus not point scoring for that short piece of time
Our issues are not public and people do not have to repeat conversations to each of us.

ExDh used to sit separate to his exW at school events, they hated each other and couldn’t breathe the same air. If they had sat together it wouldn’t have bothered me, they are there supporting their child.

^This.

Hopefully things are amicable enough for both parents to sit together to support their daughter.

That's what should happen. Often it's not that easy.

Why not get him to ask his daughter what she would prefer?

I’d expect them to sit together so when their daughter looks for them she sees them both. It’s sweet, and lovely for her.

I don’t think anyone gets back with their ex because they sit together at a concert.

It’s perfectly ok to feel uncomfortable about this. Some women just love to lurk on the step parent forum to give their biased opinion on something they’ve never experienced. I detest my husband’s ex wife and would have an issue with it, but it’s unlikely he would sit next to her as he equally detests her. It’s nothing to with jealousy, she’s caused us a lifetime of grief and that’s the reason.

You need to trust your partner and whether he feels sitting next to her or separate is the right call. Assuming he's the non resident parent you have to consider the potential fall out even if he didn't really want to sit by her. Yes it can be that petty!

If the roles were reversed with a man complaining about partner sitting next to her ex I suspect he'd get a very negative response / short shrift

It wouldn’t bother me personally but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling your husband if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Sending 💐

I'm in a same sex relationship with someone with 2 children. We've been together for 9 years and lived together for 4. I recently went to a school play on my own (partner working) and happened to arrive at the same time as their father. I sat next to him for a couple hours, I really didn't want to, I cannot stand the man with good reason. I did it because I didn't want my SS to see me walking off to the other side of the hall. I don't think you're wrong to feel uncomfortable, but I do think it's something you'll need to get used to. Sometimes we have to sit with someone we don't want to for the sake of the child. Sorry I know that sounds a bit preachy. That's really not my intention.