AIBU to have told DH I'm not going anywhere with his kids again

[SpotOfTee]

Until they can behave?

Went out yesterday and it was just utterly embarrassing, they fight, shout, wind each other up, kick, punch, screech.

I hate it. I hate going places with them.

I refused a while ago to take them anywhere alone because of the same thing but I just don't enjoy being anywhere with them. Yesterday was absolutely embarrassing, the amount of times they had to be told off.

For background we have toddler together and they are 8 & 10. I've really had enough of being around them when they get like this.

Unless any SN they should know better at those ages.

Just leave them to dh. All 3 of them.

This is my struggle with being a SM , dealing with someone else’s lack of parenting. My partner wants to be the best friend dad resulting in behaviours and a lack of manners that drives me insane.

im guessing you have a DH problem and he needs to build boundaries so the kids learn what behaviour is acceptable.
I would also agree with you, take a break going out until he parents

I like going out with our LO. I think if DSC are coming from now on though I'll leave him to it and I'll go with toddler by ourselves another time.

He does actually tell them off and try and stop things but they never listen or they are back at it again within 5 mins.

Annoyed at all the money wasted yesterday trying to have a nice day out to just spend it refereeing. May as well just stay at home.

Not at all, not your circus not your monkeys

Just spend time with them in the home and let your dh take them out alone and give them alone time together

It is probably one of the reasons they play up to get his time and attention

Mine are younger than this but can do all the same things apart from the kicking and punching. It's tiresome and sometimes I look at other families having lovely days out and wonder why mine just whine and moan. It really drags you down and I can see why it would be even more irritating if they weren't even your kids.

Don't bother refereeing just take your LO off by yourself for a bit?

Why doesn't your DH tell them as they can't behave when they are out they will have no days out until they show they can behave. He can take them to a park if they kick off he takes them home. You and the toddler do whatever you like.

Not at all. I have the same age gap between children, plus a younger one, and I generally don't do much with all of them outside the house. We take trips here and there, but in general of I hear everyone is going I stay home with one or two of the littles. You don't get many choices when you're a stepmom- this is one of them! Seize it.

Mine have the same age gap and don't seem to be able to stand the sight of each other lately, it's all decide and conquer here

It started towards the end of 2020, think they were just sick of the sight of each other and its continued some what even though things are now back to normal

8 and 10? If your DH doesn’t act now this will only get worse as they get older.

You absolutely should opt out and explain why to DH. If he complains then you can tell him it’s really important for the children to have time alone with him.

Plus this is not the behaviour and lack of boundaries you want role-modelled to your toddler.

When your Dy wants you to go out as a group -I would start singing like Maria "so long fairwell.." and stick to it.

You do not have to suffer the consequences of child who have been allowed to act poorly. If DH won't act then let him have all the fun.... maybe that will get him to spring into action.

If they kept misbehaving why didn't your DH take them home? What punishment do they get for being so naughty?

Not unreasonable to say he can deal with it on his home and you don't want to go, but I think it is unreasonable of you to also stop your shared child attending and separating them out for a 1-1 trip with you - they should have shared sibling experiences not be two separate groups.

Even if the shared sibling experience is unpleasant for everyone?

Precisely. It just turns into a horrible day for everyone with all attention being thrown at misbehaving older kids. I'd rather my child have 1-1 time to actually be able to enjoy themselves without this going on in the background constantly.

Not much of a great experience for them.

As long as the children don't know the reason you're not going that sounds fine. They get time alone with their dad and you get to avoid being in a situation that infuriates you.

What are your husband and his ex's views on you being part of disciplining the kids?

I went out with a family with 2 kids like this recently it was awful. I would have taken mine home if they behaved like that. Don’t blame you OP.

Siblings fight and squabble. And moan and whinge. Look at the threads in here about going in holiday with kids is shit!

Also when you have a toddler, older kids seem hulking and marauding, and you expect them to behave older than their years.

They may well feel jealous of their little half sibling getting adoring attention from both parents on a day out.

The kids are being pretty normal. Not all kids behave like this, or not all the time, but plenty do.

Either be a loving engaged step parent, make a relationship with them and work alongside him to create a more blended family , or step back and let him deal with it.

Step families bring this dilemma.

Why did you marry someone who is such a poor Disney Dad to his 2 children? Surely you can talk to him about it now? If not then what is your marriage based on?

I agree you should no go and I see no problem with doing something with your toddler separately.

Also that the kids shouldn't be aware of why you're not spending time with them.

I think he needs to sit them down, without you, at home and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable and this is not how to behave. People don't go around doing these things to each other and he expects no different from them. And if they behave like this any more then they'll be coming straight home (and no screen time - it's not home to play computer games/watch TV/something else fun). He needs to be quite stern/serious, but not authoritarian/scary.

But he maybe also needs to spend time with them one on one - which may involve you staying with the other one. I'd let the one staying at home watch lots of TV, personally! It seems that winding each other up takes precedence over whatever he says. But what sort of connection do they have? Is it the DSC and him, or DSC1+ him and DSC2 + him? It's kind of normal that they're taken out together in a divorce situation but that doesn't mean they couldn't do with one on one special time occasionally too.

I would find going out with them a nightmare. Well done for putting up with it so long!

It sounds like your marriage and family life just doesn't function on any level.

Perhaps you should just live separately then you won't have to deal with your DSC apart from when you want to.

I actually disagree that the SCs shouldn't know why you're taking a step back.

I was in the same situation and was/am very clear to the SC why I don't want to go out somewhere with them, go on holiday with them, or let they stay home with me alone when their behavior has been particularly bad. I don't think understanding that people won't want to spend time around them if they can't be pleasant company is too harsh a lesson to learn at that age.

Does your DP deal with his kids’ behaviour appropriately? Or does he leave it to you / opt out?

This would infuriate me as well and I don’t think it’s acceptable at their ages. If boundaries aren’t set then it’ll just continue and get worse! I would also not want my toddler seeing that behaviour and thinking it’s ok.

I really feel for you 💐