AIBU to have told DH I'm not going anywhere with his kids again

[SpotOfTee]

Until they can behave?

Went out yesterday and it was just utterly embarrassing, they fight, shout, wind each other up, kick, punch, screech.

I hate it. I hate going places with them.

I refused a while ago to take them anywhere alone because of the same thing but I just don't enjoy being anywhere with them. Yesterday was absolutely embarrassing, the amount of times they had to be told off.

For background we have toddler together and they are 8 & 10. I've really had enough of being around them when they get like this.

Hmmm, I'm actually thinking that a lot of the time my kids are those arguing, bickering and complaining a lot. They're similar ages. One does have autism for a start. But a lot of the time, in retrospect, they've acted up at times when they didn't actually want to go out or didn't actually want to do the activities that we chose for them. My kids are actually happier at home, and so am I cos I'm not spending loads of money.

Being blunt, do they actually even want to go out with you and a toddler? Do they just want to have a day at home with their dad? Or do something with their friends (the 10 YO especially).

With the gap between ages of the elder two and their younger sibling, it's always going to be tricky to have days out which are interesting for everyone.

So I think that it's an excellent idea to have separate ones as the default setting (with DH taking the older ones to things they will like, and you doing same for toddler). If you only have all-family outings only occasionally, you'll withstand it rather better. You can do the family bonding sorts of stuff at home, or on very local things like trips to a park (bad behaviour is always less irritating outdoors).

If you do that, you'll still get to see if their behaviour is improving. And even if it isn't, you'll have the info you need to keep discussions going with DH about how they should be managed when with you.

I honestly don't think this is an sc issue - it's a badly behaved children issue.
Ime a lot of kids in that age group try to behave like this when out & the difference between them stopping behaving like this or continuing to behave like this is discipline.
I can't understand the mollycoddling of kids & the behaviour excusing that goes on in modern parenting. If my siblings & I behaved like that when out as a child we'd have been marched straight home & left in no doubt that treat days out would not be happening if we couldn't behave ourselves.
I did exactly the same with my dc & it worked.
@SpotOfTee your dh needs to let them now that treats/days out are off the table until such time as they can treat each other with respect - they are old enough to hear this and take it on board.

No matter how wonderful a mother you are to your little one, there is every chance that they will squabble with a sibling of a similar age (if you have another child to provide said sibling) or their friends, as well as being pretty grotty at least some of the time, when they are between 8 and 10 (and 12, and 14). If you didn't want to deal with a pair of siblings of this age, in all their wonderfulness and awfulness (often almost at the same time), who have divorced parents and whose parenting you can't control due to being the step-parent and the children not living with you full time, why one earth did you have a child with this man? Step-parenting is very hard. But I still say that YABU.

Some kids just argue and get into it it like cat and dog. Very annoying and I can understand your frustrations.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I just cringe even I see kids misbehaving, with parents who seem unable to control them.

If you’re not enjoying it there’s no reason you should go too.

I agree.

My DS were and still can be the same... so when they've asked what we're doing in the holidays, I've told them truthfully "nothing" until they behave.

I did this. They were about 16/12 at the time. We went to a lovely restaurant, I always paid half of the bill , ie. One child. They were horrific, no manners, hoods up head on table, squabbling, the works. I said I’d never take them out again, I didn’t, 6 years later I still wouldn’t.

I had this about 3 years ago
wed taken his two (then aged 12 and 17) to the zoo
they screamed,howled,pinched,fought,called each other names,cried ,demanded crap from the shops and all other manner of other shit-a Robin got too close to them and I’m sure their screams could be heard for miles around-it was that petty
i get it-I have kids but the difference is,they where told to behave, first sign of it getting out of hand,they where taken home
these two where smiled at fondly by dp

i got home,burst into tears and made it clear that I was never going anywhere with the pair of them again
aged say 2 and 7 I got it-but they where 12 and 17!

a few months later I really wanted to go to the Tower of London and we got the chance to go-me,dp,mil and sd (by this time she was 18)
well,I’ve never seen anything like it-she ruined the day by texting her boyfriend all day,telling him it was shit
was rude to the people running the cafe
swore at us
sighed at every little thing
refused to join the tour by the beefeater and kept shouting at poor ‘billy beefeater’ who was just trying to do this thing
kept running off so dp had to keep running after her-I would have just left her
threw endless tantrums like a child-on the floor screaming-she was wearing the shortest skirt known to man,so kept flashing her arse cheeks
I tripped over my own feet,really hurting myself and she had another tantrum because ‘I’d shown her up’
wanted to see the Crown Jewels-but stomped off just as we got to the front of the queue which meant we lost our place
refused to move as she spotted a radiator within the building
screamed at me for saying ‘well,he thought highly of himself’ when we saw Henry’s cod piece
moaned about everything being ‘boring’ every 3 seconds
demanded fish and chips at the cafe place just outside and screamed at us because I’m not paying £10 for fish and chips-or £40 for 4 people
ran off at the tube station-took us almost an hour to find her again-and did it again at the train station
threw another screaming tantrum because we had to catch the train home
rinse and repeat when we got off and had to walk 30 seconds to the car park to be picked up
moaned endlessly that the food we bought ‘was shit’ but she was ‘staving’-dp offered to buy her a salad or a sandwich but she threw another fit so she went hungry
we wanted a walk round London for an hour but she point black refused so we ended up coming home again

best part of £400 down the toilet and dp really thought the day was a success!
I put him straight and I’ve never done day out with either of them again-in fact I refuse to have anything to do with her

That is really strange behavior for an 18 yr old. How did your MIL react?

@Rodneytrotterslovechild that's absolutely not normal behaviour for an ADULT. Is she under psychiatric care?

No-she’s just a spoilt pampered brat who’s had her own way all her life with adoring family round her who pander to this

shes finding out the hard way,that the big bad world doesn’t pander to adults having tantrums and she’s finding it very hard to deal with

granny is a saint (I mean she married my fil!) and she was getting more and more stressed that day-to the point of tears but feels like she can’t interfere as it’s not her place to tell the parents their child is acting like a brat (it’s not mine either,but I didn’t hold back)

we ended up in marriage counselling over her and I saw the penny drop with dp when it was put to him that he was enabling her to behave like this and in adult life it wouldn’t be tolerated

it was that bad that the words ‘tower of London’ is banned in our house as it causes rows-I’m going to go back with my kids and enjoy the day

I try to avoid going out with my similar-aged SC as much as possible unless it's a special occasion, like Fathers Day today.

Not a SM but this happens with our niece and nephew. They come up from London a few times a year and are spoilt beyond belief while here but still behave like absolute animals. No one ever tells them off. Does my head in. Last time I just stayed home and let partner take the toddler to see them for the day. I'll be doing the same until they are done behaving as such. They are not babies! What ever happened to the look? You know the one your parents gave you that made you stop whatever annoying thing you were doing immediately?