Parents arguing over NOT having the DSC

[BlanketPiggy]

Has anyone been stuck in the odd situation where they are arguing over NOT having the DSC on a particular weekend? So we've got a weekend away booked for the weekend the DSC aren't due to be with us but not Mum has decided she wants to work that weekend and is trying to insist DH takes the DSC. Which then makes him seem bad if he turns round and says "but it's not our weekend". It's a pretty fancy hotel so we can't afford to take them too so I think we're going to have to cancel. Just wondering if anyone else has had similar?

*now mum not "not mum"

I'd just say you're away surely?

She’s probably trying to upset your weekend.
Just reply and say really sorry but as you have plans you can’t have dsc as it’s too short notice but you’re looking forward to seeing them next week.
Then ignore her.
How old are the children?

It’s great being flexible but it needs to work for everyone. On this occasion you can’t accommodate the request so it’s a no.

Both Early teens

Just go - not your problem, she'll have to make other arrangements. Cheeky cah.

We were just thinking that it's a bit off on the kids to say sorry DH is turning down the opportunity to see you. But yes I see the point, flexible is only any good if it works for both of them.

Just say no!
Both exh & I accommodate each other when & if we can. But if something specific is planned & we can't/don't want to change we just say No - No is a full sentence as the saying goes.
Teens should be well old enough to not get in a strop about this & to mind themselves if mum is working!

He’s not turning down the opportunity to see them, he’s sticking to arrangements and made plans.
When you see them try and make it a bit special and say you have them every other weekend and has made plans, they’re old enough to understand.

I think the worry is mum is going to twist it to see..dad doesn't want to see you. She has form for this but in reality he'd had to cancel as he was ridiculously ill and wouldn't have coped or wanted them to get it.

Just say no. You have to be firm unfortunately.

My partner's ex-wife went through a phase of trying to dump my stepsons on us with no notice. She once left them on my partner's sister's doorstep at 6am one Saturday morning in the freezing cold because she wanted to go on a date. My partner was at work at he does 12 hour shifts so he didn't know about it until his mid-morning break. To be fair to his sister, she fired a round of fucks into his ex-wife and she never did it again.

For what's worth, my advice would be to stand firm, say no, you're entitled to a holiday/weekend away as much as the next person, and you'll see the kids as usual next weekend. If you and your partner relent on this occasion, believe you me, it'll set a dangerous precedent.

We have this quite often. Mum refuses to bring them for our weekends saying she has no money or no where to stay but will happily bring them other weekends. My partner had to change his job to make sure he always has a weekend off every 2 weeks to have his girls and she keeps changing it. So we have to say no as no one would be here to have them. We also make sure we tell them straight away as mum likes to twist things on us when we won't have them but it's mum who cancels.

@crazyexornot that sounds a plan. He just needs to be honest with them and say look there's an agreement in place and it can't chop and change unless it's an emergency or special occasion really.

I think the worry is mum is going to twist it to see..dad doesn't want to see you. She has form for this but in reality he'd had to cancel as he was ridiculously ill and wouldn't have coped or wanted them to get it.
They are old enough for him to be able to explain to them directly why he can't take them. They are also old enough to understand access arrangements (& that it's mum 'at fault' & not dad) & old enough to understand that adults shouldn't always have to change their plans.

Thanks everyone for your advice. It's one of those situations where I just needed to run it past some people who understand.

[quote BlanketPiggy]@crazyexornot that sounds a plan. He just needs to be honest with them and say look there's an agreement in place and it can't chop and change unless it's an emergency or special occasion really.[/quote]
Yes, we have had to become quite strict with it as it was crazy over the summer holiday with things changing constantly !

Oh we had a mess over the holidays. Rather suspiciously someone would develop a cough that meant the kids would have to isolate with us rather than go back to mums. I mean I like to think no one would be sick enough to lie about covid but it was a bit suspicious that both times were after DH had refused to swap a week.

Yes we had exactly the same!! We needed up having them 5 weeks out of 6 when was meant to be 3 weeks!

What with the covid excuse? I think its disgusting using it as an excuse. I nearly bought a copy of the boy who cried wolf to send back with the kids. She was fine when she faced timed them.. but anyway we had a great time. Just meant we were strapped for cash because of course DH couldn't cut the maintenance without a fuss.

I agree it’s a no. You swap if you can. If you can’t it’s not your responsibility. I certainly wouldn’t be cancelling a holiday or weekend away for it. That goes for both my DSC and my own DC!

It it’s their other parents weekend it’s up to them to sort childcare. Me and my ex agreed in these scenarios we would ask eachother first, but if the other parent can’t, it’s up to us to sort someone else!

If the situation was reversed I’m sure you’d ask the ex first and then arrange childcare. This is what she should have done to accommodate her new plans.

As the children are teens your DH can just text them and explain he’s away this weekend but can’t wait to see them next weekend as arranged.

Theyre teenagers, why do you care if their mum says "your dad doesn't want to see you"? Text them and say "we'd already planned a weekend away, see you next weekend as planned buddy"

Theyre teenagers, not babies!

Mum will have to find alternative childcare if she agreed to work.

If they are early teens they should be able to stay at home by themselves

What are her work arrangement? Is she choosing to work extra hours? Is it a conference that she's been told she has to attend? Does she normally work the other weekend but her employer is begging her to change?

A couple of weeks ago, there was a thread about a dad needing to go abroad for his business and many SM believed that it should be the default that the other parents take over in this instance so am surprised almost everyone here saying it's her problem.

I didn't agree then, I don't agree now. She should find alternative childcare. At most, she could ask, but cwrtaiy not expect.

If you got on well with the ex, could request flexibility the other direction, this was a serious emergency and you could potentially change your dates I would have suggested considering it.

But having learned the hard way I would say no. "Oh no, that's such a pain for you. Sorry we have plans."

Then text the teens as suggested above saying you're away this weekend but looking forward to seeing them the following.