Parents arguing over NOT having the DSC

[BlanketPiggy]

Has anyone been stuck in the odd situation where they are arguing over NOT having the DSC on a particular weekend? So we've got a weekend away booked for the weekend the DSC aren't due to be with us but not Mum has decided she wants to work that weekend and is trying to insist DH takes the DSC. Which then makes him seem bad if he turns round and says "but it's not our weekend". It's a pretty fancy hotel so we can't afford to take them too so I think we're going to have to cancel. Just wondering if anyone else has had similar?

She wants to take on some extra shifts. Which is good but DH has to make sure he isn't working on "his" time with the children. But then I guess he doesn't have them as often (at her request).

If you got on well with the ex hahaha no...she hates me. She won't meet me and refuses to let me anywhere near her house.

Given the rising cost of living I’d accommodate her wanting to work more to provide for the joint children. I’d just take them away with us as would want them to have a break too.

@BlanketPiggy

What with the covid excuse? I think its disgusting using it as an excuse. I nearly bought a copy of the boy who cried wolf to send back with the kids. She was fine when she faced timed them.. but anyway we had a great time. Just meant we were strapped for cash because of course DH couldn't cut the maintenance without a fuss.

Yes the same covid excuse! But then out pictures on Facebook of them going out for a walk. 🤔 We were exactly the same with the money situation!

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Given the rising cost of living I’d accommodate her wanting to work more to provide for the joint children. I’d just take them away with us as would want them to have a break too.

Our own LO is not coming. It is a romantic getaway for 2. Why on earth would the DSC want to join us.

Given the rising cost of living I’d accommodate her wanting to work more to provide for the joint children DH has repeatedly offered to change the pattern permanently should she want to seek alternative better paid employment. She refuses to let him see them more..until it suits her on an ad hoc basis.

@crazyexornot it's disgusting when people are dying.

@BlanketPiggy

I think the worry is mum is going to twist it to see..dad doesn't want to see you. She has form for this but in reality he'd had to cancel as he was ridiculously ill and wouldn't have coped or wanted them to get it.

Its not about him not wanting to see them. You have a plan. Its not your weekend, its hers, end of. If she wants to work then she needs to arrange childcare for them. Not your or DHs problem darling x

They’re teenagers- why do they need a parent to look after them? Is she working away for the weekend? Or just working in an office/shop/hospital for the shift?

@MrsRobbieHart

They’re teenagers- why do they need a parent to look after them? Is she working away for the weekend? Or just working in an office/shop/hospital for the shift?

Exactly what we were wondering. Wondering if we're getting the whole truth here. As far as we know it's just picking up more shifts in her current job. Maybe she wants the late night/ evening shift. Who knows.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Given the rising cost of living I’d accommodate her wanting to work more to provide for the joint children. I’d just take them away with us as would want them to have a break too.

There is always one.

Ultimately, I think that children understand that regardless of court contact structure they have 2 parents who are equally responsible for them. Neither parent's parental responsibility is tied to a calendar.

In this case both parents are choosing some elective experience over being responsible for their children. In most families , there is generally an extended family member who will offer to help in such a situation; if the mom truly needs the money from extra hours at work , dad could help her find an alternative solution.

It is amazing that both parents can take such s cavalier attitude towards their parental responsibility. You are not suddenly only a parent on court designated days

@BlanketPiggy

She wants to take on some extra shifts. Which is good but DH has to make sure he isn't working on "his" time with the children. But then I guess he doesn't have them as often (at her request).

then she sorts childcare.

if the mom truly needs the money from extra hours at work , dad could help her find an alternative solution. He's offered a solution, he's offered to permanently change contact if she wants to get a different better paid job (she is trained to do a job but decided not to do it, that's her choice). He offered when they were together to pay for half her course fees if she wanted to retrain. That was turned down. She wanted the lifestyle she has.

DPs ex does this.

If she gets wind of a childfree night out or day out or some thing we've planned all of a sudden she needs us to have the DC and DP gets accused of all sorts of he doesn't drop everything to accommodate them.

Is sabotage.

dad could help her find an alternative solution.

Or she could find her own.
Or she could choose to work another time.
Or she could be more polite and make more of an effort to coparent positively so OP’s DH may be more inclined to help her.

@BlanketPiggy

If you got on well with the ex hahaha no...she hates me. She won't meet me and refuses to let me anywhere near her house.

Why do you want to meet your DP's ex? She is absolutely nothing to do with you and vice versa.

Your DP needs to be the one who says "No" to her and why. He should make sure his children understand clearly when they are suppose to see him.

He should also make them aware if and when they decide they want to change the arrangement in seeing him that as long as they are reasonable and give enough notice they are allowed to with him as they are secondary age.

Finally children should always know when they should expect to see their parents whether they live full-time with them or not. Many parents work irregular hours/shifts even if they live full-time with their children and their children know when mummy/daddy should be at home from aged 2 , so a child who has separated parents should be given the same courtesy.

Why do you want to meet your DP's ex? She is absolutely nothing to do with you and vice versa. fair enough I don't particularly want to meet her but the kids have asked me to come to their house so I can meet their mum and pet and she's said no.

But that's fair enough. Likewise i would argue my holiday plans with my DH are none of her business so she should butt out and stop complaining when they interfere with her wishes to change the contact schedule.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Given the rising cost of living I’d accommodate her wanting to work more to provide for the joint children. I’d just take them away with us as would want them to have a break too.

Oh for god's sake.

Someone suggested to me the other day that I should invite my partner's ex wife (who openly tried to break us up and nearly succeeded in stopping our house purchase) to our wedding because it would be nice for the children.

It's not just that you have to accept your position in last place according to these lunatics, you're not even a participant.

No way should you flex to this woman. In our house every single occasion, break away or anything involving the arrival then existence of our child was subjected to an attempted sabotage.

Don't let her push you around. You have plans. If you didn't, I would accommodate her. If it was two-way, I would consider accommodating her. But in the circumstances you've described, no way.

Someone suggested to me the other day that I should invite my partner's ex wife (who openly tried to break us up and nearly succeeded in stopping our house purchase) to our wedding because it would be nice for the children. for real? Why the fuck would she even want to go?! That's so weird.

@BlanketPiggy

Someone suggested to me the other day that I should invite my partner's ex wife (who openly tried to break us up and nearly succeeded in stopping our house purchase) to our wedding because it would be nice for the children. for real? Why the fuck would she even want to go?! That's so weird.

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't except to cause trouble and be nasty like she did at his father's funeral despite him asking her to stay away.

But like eh.. much as I want the kids to feel an integral part of the family, it is not their wedding day, it's mine and his.

Neither parent's parental responsibility is tied to a calendar.

No, but speaking as a parent, I have very rare "me time" and I would be pissed off if my DP let me down on one of those events. Likewise when he goes for a camping weekend about once or twice a year, I'm not going to then accept extra work and say "well tough because she is your child too". It is a dick move whether you're with the other parent or not. It isn't being a good team player and it erodes goodwill that you may need to call on yourself the next time. Adults are allowed self care ffs. It is okay to want and need a rare bit of time for your relationship / health / etc.

@BlanketPiggy

But that's fair enough. Likewise i would argue my holiday plans with my DH are none of her business so she should butt out and stop complaining when they interfere with her wishes to change the contact schedule.

I agree with you.

As long as the contact schedule is agreed in advance then any changes shouldn't be expected to be agreed.

I should have added it is because you are screwing the children around by changing their expected pattern of contact.