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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Children holding baby sibling

45 replies

KerriHarri31 · 07/01/2021 15:00

Just wondering what people’s views are on siblings holding and carrying their new sibling?

I have a 12year old, 6 year old SD and 12week old my DP and I have different views on what the older two can and cannot do when it comes to the baby.

Thanks I’m advance for any advise/views

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AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2021 15:03

Depends entirely on the children. My DSD was ten when we had DD, she’s incredibly responsible and carried her anywhere she liked, calmly and capably and I trusted her completely.

Most 6 year olds should be able to hold a baby safely while sitting down but probably not carry them.

What do you each think?

FolkSongSweet · 07/01/2021 15:12

Agree with the pp. I let my 2.5 year old hold my 8 week old (with supervision) so would definitely let older children. Perhaps not carrying though until the baby is older.

YerAWizardHarry · 07/01/2021 15:13

6 year old sitting down, 12 year old whenever

sadpapercourtesan · 07/01/2021 15:13

I would let the 6yo hold the baby sitting down with supervision. The 12yo it would depend heavily on the child's personality and maturity level, but I don't think it's unreasonable to be very protective of your tiny baby.

Viviennemary · 07/01/2021 15:14

I don't think they should be allowed to pick the baby up. Hold with supervision is fine even at a very young age. It helps with bonding.

QuantumJump · 07/01/2021 15:14

When my DC3 was a newborn my older two were age 2 and nearly 4. They were both allowed to hold the baby (supervised) and I have some really cute photos of it.

Angel2702 · 07/01/2021 15:14

12yr old more than capable of most baby care, I was out babysitting at that age.

6 yr old would be fine holding sitting down but I wouldn’t let them carry baby on their own.

FoggyDay58 · 07/01/2021 15:16

I have two DNieces (7 and 11), neither of whom I would allow to carry my DD, given that they were both poor at supporting her back when she was sat on each of their laps between 6 months and a year, and had to be closely supervised. Just to offer some balance. Supervise closely and see what they're like. If you don't feel comfortable, you're allowed to feel that way! But I'd err towards supervising them holding rather than disallowing it completely. As much in the interest of their future relationship with the child as anything else.

KumquatSalad · 07/01/2021 15:16

I’ve got an 11 year old. DH has a 4 and 7 year old (3 and 6 when the baby arrived; DS was just about to turn 11).

I have asked DS to hold the baby several times. He is strong and reliable enough to do so. He’d never pick him up without being asked to though, as he’s wary of hurting him.

My DSC have held him a couple of times. Both while sitting down and closely supervised.

DSS (then 3) was obsessed with ‘stroking’ the baby and kept saying ‘I can touch him if I want’. I managed to persuade DH (who has communicated this to DSS) that he’s not a pet or a toy and he can’t just touch him if he wants. He’s a person and he doesn’t want to be prodded by an over enthusiastic preschooler. I’ve persuaded DSS that making faces at the baby and talking to him are more fun for them both - which is just true.

DSD isn’t really interested in the baby much. She’s pretty disgusting (sucks her hands, has her hands in her pants all the time, always picking her nose etc) and has a perma-cold so DH doesn’t want her touching the baby or his stuff. I’m not going to disagree with him.

(Note for the ‘you evil SM’ crew, I know that she’s a child. Children are pretty disgusting in general. My DSD is more disgusting than average, much more so than her younger brother usually. Her father remarks on it all the time - he comes down after hugging her at bedtime and washes his hands and face because of it. I’m sure she’ll grow out of it).

Original poster

KerriHarri31 · 07/01/2021 15:16

Thank you for your reply.
My DD has had a lot of experience with babies (her godmothers babies) and I feel she is able to be responsible with the baby. However because of this DSD (6) feels it’s unfair and is desperate to carry the baby, I am happy for her to have cuddles while sitting down but I don’t feel comfortable with her lifting or carrying him. DP feels that both girls should be treated the same, which I agree with but at 6years old I wouldn’t have been comfortable with DD doing more than cuddling a baby on the sofa with supervision.
DP has allowed DSD to carry baby with supervision when I haven’t been there which I’m not too happy about.

OP posts:

sadpapercourtesan · 07/01/2021 15:19

He's being a prat, the girls are patently NOT the same. Stand your ground.

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 07/01/2021 15:19

My dc were 9,8 and 6 when ds was born. Sit holding - all of them. Walking around? None. One trip isn't worth thinking about. Toys /baby stuff /pets... Def no from me. Lots of alternative ways to bond than playing dolls with a real baby.

sadpapercourtesan · 07/01/2021 15:19

Ask him how his little girl would feel if she dropped or injured the baby and did serious harm.

QuantumJump · 07/01/2021 15:20

DP is being ridiculous to say that a 12yo should be 'treated the same' as a 6yo. Do they (for example) go to bed at the same time? Of course not!

KumquatSalad · 07/01/2021 15:24

The girls should be treated the same, at the appropriate ages.

Your DD wouldn’t have been allowed to carry babies around when she was 6.

Is he going to insist that your DSD gets driving lessons at 11, because the girls should be treated the same?

I guarantee he wouldn’t be saying they must be treated as if they’re both equally competent if his child were the older one. He’d quite rightly be telling the 6 year old that she needs to be sitting down to have a cuddle.

Original poster

KerriHarri31 · 07/01/2021 15:25

Thank you all so much,

I was starting to think that I was being unreasonable but it’s nice knowing I’m not the only one who thinks that a 6 year old doesn’t need to carry the baby. I understand she loves him and wants to be able to do things but I think supervised cuddles and being allowed to push the pram are age appropriate. DD only carries baby if I ask her to but wouldn’t dream of picking him up without asking first (even then I pick him up and pass her to him for sitting down cuddles)

OP posts:

xyzandabc · 07/01/2021 15:27

Nope a 12 yr old and a 6 yr old absolutely should not be 'treated the same' in a whole host of situations for very good reasons. This isn't a biological Vs step child thing, if SD was 12 then they could be treated the same. But she's not.

I agree with others, 12 old could pretty much look after the baby, lifting, carrying, feeding, nappy changing, once shown how to do it. 6 yr old only holds baby when sitting down and supervised.

Does he insist they be treated the same when it comes to bedtimes, walking in to town alone, going to the shops alone, making a cup of tea, baking/cooking unsupervised etc etc?

KumquatSalad · 07/01/2021 15:37

This isn't a biological Vs step child thing, if SD was 12 then they could be treated the same. But she's not.

Thing is, it IS a biological child v stepchild thing. But only because of the ridiculous ways in which some nonresident fathers decide to act towards their children after separation.

In a nuclear family, everyone would be totally on board with age appropriate expectations for each child. Even the weirdly permissive and accommodating NR fathers would have been.

But in a stepfamily... nope. No way can his younger child not be given the same freedoms as a much older child in the house. Anything else would be unfair.

They shouldn’t, however, be expected to have the responsibilities assigned to the older child: chores, consequences, etc. Because they’re younger and not there all the time.

None of this could apply to the youngest child(ren) because they live with both their parents.

So the stepfamily dynamic does matter here. There’s be no unreasonable expectations of this kind if it didn’t.

Mochatatts · 07/01/2021 15:41

When our daughter's born our boys will be 13, 11 and two aged 9. The 9 year olds are 6 days apart age wise but in terms of them as individuals completely different. The youngest of the two attempted to squeeze past me 2 steps from the top of the stairs last week. I was also carrying a hot drink. He didn't for a second think about why it was such a daft idea. The other 9 year old wouldn't have done it. You can't compare kids of different ages anymore than kids of the same age. They're all very different depending on their experiences and parental input.
Do what's best for your baby x

Mammyofasuperbaby · 07/01/2021 15:45

I was 13 when my nephew was born and my sister was 6. We were always treated equally but I was allowed to carry him where as my sister wasn't. To be fair I was feeding, changing, dressing and settling him but my sister just did cuddles. She was told that she was too young to carry the baby and that was that.
I've told my eldest the same thing and it took some getting used to but he understands that he isnt strong enough to carry his brother but he loves reading to him, cuddling and helping to do "special big brother jobs" and hes only 4

Mammyofasuperbaby · 07/01/2021 15:48

Sorry posted too soon. Your dh needs to realise that this isn't a fairness issue but a safety issue. I'd dread to think what could happen if the 6 year old dropped the baby

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 07/01/2021 15:52

Your dh is risking a good relationship with his oldest dc... She isn't 6 and needs recognition for being the oldest.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2021 16:22

DP feels that both girls should be treated the same

Not in relation to carrying a baby they shouldn't be treated the same. It's quite foolish and worrying that he wants a 6 and 12 year old to have the same responsibility in this regard.

DP has allowed DSD to carry baby with supervision when I haven’t been there which I’m not too happy about.

I'd be quite nervous about a 6 year old carrying a baby, if they weren't sitting down...but if he can assure the baby is safe and he's there...then there's not a lot you can do.

6 is just too young though to be standing up with a baby IMO.

Anuta77 · 07/01/2021 16:30

My SD was 11 when my toddler was born and she was doing irresponsible things with him, like throwing herself backwards on the sofa while holding the baby or trying to carry his heavy car seat up the stairs despite me forbidding it, right in front of my eyes. So the only thing I allowed was to hold him sitted, but of course as soon as I wasn't looking, she would carry him, go up and down the stairs, grab him out of my arms, etc.

My older son is 1 year younger than SD but he wasn't doing crazy things, so he could carry the baby a bit, but not on the stairs.

There's no way I would allow a 6 year old to carry the baby the way she wants, unless she showed that she's responsible (not every child has crazy ideas like my SD) and I would be next to her and it would be only a few steps.

I know fathers feel sensitive and I was blamed that I dislike SD, but it's your baby, so put your foot down. At some point, the baby will grow up and things will hopefully get easier.

Original poster

KerriHarri31 · 07/01/2021 16:35

@Anuta77 my DSD also tries to grab baby off me! She told me the other day whilst trying to lift him off my lap and out of my arms that she can look after him properly as I don’t! DP seems to miss these moments and comments. It’s so tiring

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