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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Mother of DSC won't let her come to us during lockdown

43 replies

NELmumof2 · 01/04/2020 12:58

The mother of my DSC isn't allowing her to visit us during the lockdown. DSC is 5 years old and we have her sister, my child, living here with us who she has already not seen for nearly a month as we only have DSC every two weeks. The mother of DSC has said her rationale is that she is terrified of DSC dying. She has no underlying her concerns and we are both following the government guidelines in isolating and social distancing. The mother and my H had a very heated argument about her decision and i have also tried to reason with her but she is convinced DSC is at risk and cannot travel. Can anyone please help with a way of convincing her? We are so upset at the thought of DSC not seeing her sister and us, given we don't know how long this will go on for and the Mother won't give us an idea of when she may change her mind.

OP posts:
PotteringAlong · 01/04/2020 12:59

No, you can’t convince her. It’s tough on everyone. FaceTime, suck it up.

debbs77 · 01/04/2020 13:01

Are both homes totally self isolating? Or are any adults going to work?

Kateplaysrugbyinmydreams · 01/04/2020 13:01

The advice is children can travel between homes but I think you need to think about what the child needs. Is the priority her seeing all of you or is it keeping her mother calm and functioning?

AnneJeanne · 01/04/2020 13:01

What? No, leave it alone. This is temporary! You will all be fine. Seriously stop putting pressure on this woman to see her child.

Standrewsschool · 01/04/2020 13:02

How far away do you live?

The mum is naturally anxious at this time, and doesn’t want to expose dd to any unnecessary germs.

What’s your relationship with her like normally? If all okay, then she is restricting her dd’s movements due to her welfare, and nothing malicious.

Can you interact with dd through social media such as FaceTime or zoom?

Original poster
NELmumof2 · 01/04/2020 13:03

I am on maternity leave and my husband is working from home. In their household they are doing the same. I'm trying to explain that the risk is the same in both locations but nothing is getting through :(

OP posts:
debbs77 · 01/04/2020 13:10

Doesn't sound like there is much you can do. She cannot be forced. Imagine how distressed this must be making her.

MyDcAreMarvel · 01/04/2020 13:14

No don’t try and convince her it’s not fair to pressure her like that. Children with parents in the army working away don’t see them for weeks on end and they are fine. Just FaceTime and phone.

user1493413286 · 01/04/2020 13:15

We also aren’t seeing DSD and she isn’t seeing her two siblings (mine and DHs children). It’s a rubbish situation but i do see the logic that the adults at both her mums and here are going out to the shops so that’s exposure to more adults who could have it than just staying at her mums. It won’t be forever and we’ll make up for it; during this time we’re using FaceTime as much as possible

porger80 · 01/04/2020 13:23

I feel you OP. We have the same situation here. Ex wife has claimed she is isolating DSS even though she continues to go to work (at a hospital no less). It has been a devastating blow when the world was already a hard place anyway. The only thing we can do is wait and maybe pick it up with the courts when all this has finished. Google weaponising covid
by separated parents. No real advice for you other than just support your partner and try and keep the arguments with her to a minimum - we've just had 2 weeks of it and it's exhausting.

WindyWalter · 01/04/2020 14:25

I have the opposite problem. I desperately don't want SD to visit due to her mother's inability to 'see what the problem is' and merrily carrying on with normal life. Despite my concerns I'm totally overridden by my husband.

Your DD is a baby so has no idea of what is going on. Your SD will cope. You'll have bigger battles than this, after many years step parenting I pick my battles. It's a thankless job. Good luck.

LittleMcJiggle · 01/04/2020 15:28

Funny this. There was a thread yesterday where the mother of a newborn didn't want her 5 year old SC coming because her mother wasn't isolating properly and she was worried about her baby.

She was torn apart on the first page and told she was trying to keep her step child away, how could the child possibly be expected to just facetime her father and so on blah blah blah.

But now it's a mum stopping contact it's totally fine and you should facetime and suck it up. Total double standards on here I tell you.

LittleMcJiggle · 01/04/2020 15:30

she is isolating DSS even though she continues to go to work (at a hospital no less)

If this were anything at all to do with the safety of her child, she'd be asking you to take them considering she's at a hospital every day. Completely ridiculous.

LolaSmiles · 01/04/2020 15:33

LittleMcJiggle
The crucial difference between that thread and this (if it's the one I'm thinking of) it's that in that thread the mother wasn't following guidelines and was continuing as normal. The OP on that thread had a high risk child in their home and made it clear they would have no issue with the stepchild visiting if their mother was following the rules. But the mother wasn't following the rules so the OP was worried about needlessly exposing her high risk child to Coronavirus due to the actions of her step child's mother.

In this thread both households are following the rules and as a result there's no reason why a child shouldn't see both families.

Hoggleludo · 01/04/2020 15:34

These are unprecedented times really

If she won't let her. She won't let her

Try and FaceTime for the time being for the sister. Don't try and convince her. Try and keep it as calm as possible. Try and gently explain that you'll be as safe as possible. But some parents do have very real fears of their child dying

I doubt right now she's using it as an excuse and if she is. Then she's not w very nice person. But you'll never know for sure.

Hoggleludo · 01/04/2020 15:38

If you're still on maternity leave. The child is under a year old?

Then I really wouldn't force it. She won't have any idea really. FaceTime would be good! Safe. Easy. Both can see each other

VeryShortNotice · 01/04/2020 15:39

I do think it’s interesting the different responses in that thread and this kind @LittleMcJiggle.

Tbh, I actually think it would have been better if the government had just told everyone to stay put in the primary household (and video call each other). It would have been unpopular but much more sensible and clear than the fudged guidance we got.

My DS’s father is still insisting that DS goes to him as usual (because he’s bored and wants some company), and the DSC’s mother is absolutely determined that they’re coming here as usual (to give her a break). DP is saying that if my ex is seeing his DC he wants to see his (and I can see his point).

I’m pretty sure my ex is not going out or seeing anyone (because he has no one who’d want to see him anyway) but neither DP nor I believe his ex is doing the same. And she sent the DSC to ours with coughs at the weekend - without so much as a warning about that. It was almost certainly a cold but still totally unacceptable (DS and I spent all weekend isolating away from them inside the house, and thoroughly cleaning everything once they’d gone).

givemeacall · 01/04/2020 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMcJiggle · 01/04/2020 16:02

LolaSmiles

We're talking about a different thread. The one I'm talking about, the OP was a step mum and had just had a baby. She didn't want her step child visiting as she was concerned for her new baby and knew that the step child's mother wasn't following guidelines.

She was essentially told what a wicked witch she was, how her baby was barely at risk anyway, how she was using it as an excuse to push her step daughter out (despite the OP saying multiple times how much she loved and would miss her SD), the child would be damaged by just facetiming her father etc etc.

Yet here, a mother decides not to let her child see their father and everyone's like 'well yeah, obviously'.

The only difference is this woman is a mother and the woman in the other thread was a step mother and so was obviously just evil.

NorthernSpirit · 01/04/2020 16:10

The government, cafcass and judicial system say that children may travel between homes. Not can but may.

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/covid-19-guidance-for-children-and-families/

Is a contact order in place? If so it’s not for the RP yo unilaterally decide, both parents should discuss it.

If the NRP doesn’t agree the only thinly generated can do is take it to court.

A few days ago there was a thread on here on how the NR father had decided to keep the child and there were screams of he’s kidnapped the child, how terrible that was. Of course if the RP mother does it, it’s fine and the father has to suck it up.

Double standards and of course the NRP is always in charge and the decision maker.

It’s up-to both parents to decide what is best for their child.

VeryShortNotice · 01/04/2020 16:27

The government, cafcass and judicial system say that children may travel between homes. Not can but may.

The official government guidance says children can be moved between homes (may is not used anywhere).

The family court guidance notes that this does not mean they must be moved between them. But it’s based on the assumption that you’re dealing with someone who is in any way reasonable (and, let’s face it, many of us are most definitely not dealing with someone you can have a reasonable conversation with).

ShieldPrintersNeeded · 01/04/2020 16:50

File with the court now. This could go on for a long time.

StealthMama · 01/04/2020 16:52

Is there a contact order in place?

Dozer · 01/04/2020 16:55

She’s being U.

If no contact order, suggest seeking one.

SandyY2K · 01/04/2020 19:42

Given both households are following the isolation guidelines, I don't see the justification to refuse contact on this situation.

Situations like this will give difficult mothers the opportunity to withhold contact, in spite of the clarification that under 18s can move between seperated parents.

There's a horrible tone by some pp, as though the father is irrelevant. One minute the child won't know what's going on, then she's scared of dying. Then he should just "suck it up"

Surely the parent should be responsible enough to reassure and calm her down if this is truly the case, which I doubt.

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