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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Ex won’t move on and leave him alone!

43 replies

Niajade · 14/03/2020 18:32

Hi my Boyfriends ex gf was found to be cheating on him, she had an abortion by the other guy. Lied to my bf and his family saying she hadn’t, my bf and her split up she took a year to leave the home, they have a 4 year old and she used this as an excuse as to why it was taking her so long to find her own place. Since she’s left she only has the child 3 days a week, she isn’t maternal she isn’t bothered with the child, she txts and calls my bfs parents constantly in those 3 days to come over and to help her look after the little one. She txts my bf for every little thing, the child has a birthday party in April and she’s txt twice now for clarification on an invitation she’s had made. She needs constant clarification off him and his parents for everything. I am finding this so annoying she is 32, my bf has said he has stopped answering her for pointless stuff but she continues. She sends him pics of the child everytime she does something with him. Anyone else had to deal with similar?

OP posts:

Original poster

Niajade · 14/03/2020 18:33

Forgot to add she’s still with the guy she cheated with..

OP posts:

Maxhiggins · 15/03/2020 10:13

Yup apparently it's just good co-parenting 🙄

Original poster

Niajade · 15/03/2020 14:23

@Maxhiggins so annoying and defo not what I do to co parent with my ex’s.

OP posts:

dontdisturbmenow · 16/03/2020 09:50

Leave your oh to deal with it. Does he need to show you every text she sends? Tell him that if he's not bothered, good for him but you'd rather not know.

Sunshinedelight1287 · 16/03/2020 16:10

They like to still try and feel in control, it's the only thing they are able to control still.

Your BF has done the right thing not replying to pointless things. You could ask him to say something to her about reducing the amount of contact.

Sadly if you stay with your BF, the ex will be around for all your relationship. Your best bet is to simply let it go. Me and DH laugh about it now. Our funniest was his ex and DD singing (she sent him a voice note with it) and it was clear DD didn't want to sing but Mum wanted to lol

JuanSheetIsPlenty · 16/03/2020 16:20

she had an abortion by the other guy.

Do you mean she was pregnant with other man’s baby and had an abortion? Or other man performed her abortion?

Dc3sc2 · 21/03/2020 00:49

@Niajade most people on here would say things like that’s just good co parenting. There was a post a while back like this one and seemed most people were extremely rude. However I totally understand what your saying. My partner got a text the other day like heads up sd11 is going to text you about a birthday party then not 5 minutes later he got a text off sd like why bother texting first? Just pointless and a waste of time x

TheStuffedPenguin · 22/03/2020 01:03

There are some who just LOVE to message all the time - especially when they are pissed or down or any fucking reason...

Jamjar18 · 22/03/2020 02:52

Yep my DH Ex does this and his kids are 17 and 13!!! Texts about absolute pointless crap, especially when we on our own (without the kids). I’m 5 years in and no change. I think it’s a control thing, we have since had a baby and she still constantly makes out like her kids are more important. Unfortunately it seems part parcel of having step kids.

Original poster

Niajade · 22/03/2020 09:01

He’s told her to stop, her reply was ‘That’s her telling you’ yes it is me. Because it’s annoying so she needs to just piss off in the nicest of ways.

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LittleLittleLittle · 22/03/2020 12:06

OP he needs to take proactive steps so he can ignore her. Actions speak louder than words.

Original poster

Niajade · 22/03/2020 16:39

The child is only 3 so he obviously needs more contact than that of an older child, however since he’s asked her to stop txting, calling. I’ve noticed when she FaceTimes the child she will then strike up a conversation with my oh. It’s so frustrating I don’t understand why some women can’t just move on.

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LittleLittleLittle · 22/03/2020 21:00

It's up to your OH to limit the conversation. So he needs to say something like "Sorry I cannot talk now I'm busy. Bye" or "Sorry I can't talk now I have to go to the loo. Can't hold it. Bye" then cut her off immediately.

Original poster

Niajade · 22/03/2020 23:28

He says this will just cause conflict and he is just being polite for his son... I mean the LO was vomiting Saturday night so she got him to FaceTime my OH at 23.45. What the hell was he supposed to do other than drive over and get a vomiting child?

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SandyY2K · 22/03/2020 23:48

If she's like this now, I can't see it getting better. He's telling you that addressing the issue will cause conflict, so with that in mind you have some choices.

Grin and bear it, accepting her presence in his life (and yours) vicariously
End the relationship and find a man without the baggage of an Ex like her

Qwertygert · 23/03/2020 08:54

My DH ex was like this. Used to text after half hour of us getting SD saying she loved her and couldn't wait to see her. Phoned repeatedly when she knew we were out of his birthday so once he called her back it was about a forgotten gym kit (we have spares it was fine) she now knows in no uncertain terms if it is not essential to not bother. He has been very open and honest with her. When she texts a demanding shitty text he either ignores her or goes back very openly about her being unreasonable. She does seem to hate the fact SD is happy here and is very quickly realising that she has no power in our relationship!

Original poster

Niajade · 23/03/2020 09:12

So frustrating isn’t it I don’t get these women. I’ve never bothered my ex since we split we have basic interaction for our son that’s all that is required. My OH says he doesn’t see the amount of contact with her an issue 🙄 but that’s because it’s just normal for him I guess. She is heavily involved with his parents still they are constantly round her house... what annoys me is her Bf isn’t aware of any of it so she gets a normal relationship whilst I hv to put up with her crap.

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dontdisturbmenow · 23/03/2020 16:06

It’s so frustrating I don’t understand why some women can’t just move on
Similarly, she probably doesn't get why you are so frustrated and bothered by it because many exes manage to stay on friendly terms and don't have an issue communicating with each other. Your OH might not be so bothered by it and pretend he is to appease you.

You can't control her, so leave them to it. Why does it upset you so much, it's not you being disturbed, it's him, that is if he is indeed Disturbed by it.

Original poster

Niajade · 23/03/2020 16:14

I’m not wanting to control anyone I simply want his ex to move on and stop clinging on. I’m on friendly terms with my ex and hv no problem communicating, however I don’t need his approval for everything or FaceTime him at 11.45pm cos my son is asking for him. He’s not disturbed by it he entertains it that’s my issue.. because it’s the norm for him.

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SandyY2K · 23/03/2020 17:43

He’s not disturbed by it he entertains it that’s my issue.. because it’s the norm for him.

This is the crux of the matter. He isn't bothered by it.

Some parents share every little thing about their child with a spouse..or an Ex.

It's like even when a couple are together, some SAHMs feel the need to regularly speak to their DP during the day on what the baby has done. That was never me.

If she was always that type of person...she'll just carry on. Some mums check what the child can eat with the dad...what they should wear...what toys to buy etc

You say she hasn't moved on....but she has a BF. What has she done specifically to make you feel she hasn't moved on?
Has she tried to get him back? If so, was this direct and explicit or your interpretation.

I'd also add that some cheaters feel guilty and try being so very friendly because they realise they caused the relationship to end...and in this case, it's her fault he's missing out on elements of their child's life...so she keeps him posted on every little thing to ease her guilt and demonstrate that in spite of being a cheater...she's a good person and is reasonable.

Candyfloss99 · 23/03/2020 17:50

He needs to set some boundaries and so do this parents.

Candyfloss99 · 23/03/2020 17:51

*his

SandyY2K · 24/03/2020 00:28

@Candyfloss99

He needs to set some boundaries and so do his parents.

Why? Neither he nor his parents see this as an issue.

She is heavily involved with his parents still they are constantly round her house
So it's a mutual thing. They probably like her as their grandchild's mum/as a person or both.

It doesn't sound like they do it, because she would make it hard to see their GC.

He's not bothered by any of this, his Ex isn't and neither are his parents. It's just you who isn't thrilled.

Maybe he enjoys her attention after she's the one who cheated and likes her seeing he's with someone else and she f**ked up.

He probably went through a phase of hating her for cheating and now he's indifferent towards her.

Think long term and whether you can handle her presence, as well a her closeness with your inlaws. Don't waste your time, if this constantly grates you.

dontdisturbmenow · 24/03/2020 07:08

If he's not bothered why are you? Unless you are insecure about your relationship, what does it matter how often they talk about their joint child?

If you were women up at midnight by the call, tell him to put his phone on silent. Tell him not to tell you when she contacts him because you're not interested to know. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that he loves you and chose you to be with, but that doesn't mean it is wrong that they are still in regular contact as long as they talk mainly about their child.

Original poster

Niajade · 24/03/2020 14:00

This is my point @dontdisturbmenow she’s ringing for a chat about her job etc nothing to do with the child. We went away last week with my LO and his LO and she said to him yest you sent me no pics of our son. He said no because I don’t need to be txting you on my holiday you can take your own pics. This is what I’m dealing with I just think it’s really disrespectful of him to continue engaging in her pointless behaviour. We can have the best time then she txts him for pointless crap he jumps to answer, which then causes conflict between me and him.

OP posts:

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