Ex won’t move on and leave him alone!

[Niajade]

Hi my Boyfriends ex gf was found to be cheating on him, she had an abortion by the other guy. Lied to my bf and his family saying she hadn’t, my bf and her split up she took a year to leave the home, they have a 4 year old and she used this as an excuse as to why it was taking her so long to find her own place. Since she’s left she only has the child 3 days a week, she isn’t maternal she isn’t bothered with the child, she txts and calls my bfs parents constantly in those 3 days to come over and to help her look after the little one. She txts my bf for every little thing, the child has a birthday party in April and she’s txt twice now for clarification on an invitation she’s had made. She needs constant clarification off him and his parents for everything. I am finding this so annoying she is 32, my bf has said he has stopped answering her for pointless stuff but she continues. She sends him pics of the child everytime she does something with him. Anyone else had to deal with similar?

she said to him yest you sent me no pics of our son. He said no because I don’t need to be txting you on my holiday you can take your own pics

He gave the perfect response.

This is what I’m dealing with I just think it’s really disrespectful of him to continue engaging in her pointless behaviour.

I really cant work out what you say he's engaging with her. She asked for a pic and he actually gave her a short sharp response. Yes...he could have ignored her, but she would have probably continued messaging and his response was appropriate.

He made it clear he wasn't going to send her a pic on his holiday.

He's reached a place of not letting her bother him...you need to do the same or end the relationship.

It seems that you want him to tell her to stop texting him...but he won't as he doesn't see the need. I think he just knows she's like and he cracks on with his life.

@SandyY2K she didn’t txt him she said when she picked the child up ‘you didn’t send me any pictures’ he has the child 5 days on 4 days off where she has him 4 days, majority of her days he’s in school or nursery + if not then she is calling my oh’s parents to come down and help her with him... Everything she has done since the split has been selfishly for her own gain. The child is bottom of her list of priorities I guess this is why I get so annoyed at the level of contact she wants to continue with my oh, because she seems to care more about him than the child.

Okay...so she asked him in person why he didn't send pics...his response was still appropriate.

Did you want him to completely ignore her? Or is there a different response you would have preferred ?

Maybe she just wanted the pics to see their DC was enjoying himself on the holiday.

You say she doesn't prioritise their child, but prioritises your OH... how so? Does she neglect him?

You say she asks his parents for help...some ppl find parenting more difficult than others and can't cope without help.

I sense that you feel she does it to keep his parents close. Maybe that is the case...but it's better for their child that she can have a close relationship with them.

Doesn't she have her own parents to help?

I know you probably feel I'm defending her, but I'm trying to show an objective viewpoint.

I said she could be behaving like this out of guilt and regret. Her actions caused the split.

I've heard betrayed spouses talk about how flexible and reasonable their Ex is with the kids/contact. They're perplexed by it all, mainly because they have a lot of hate for the Ex. Your OH has moved passed the hate if he ever had it.

From what you've said, he doesn't want to give her any headspace....that's a very sensible approach.

I think you need to change your response and feelings to her behaviour (and his as you don't like it) because neither of them are going to change their patterns of behaviour and you have no control over them.

Their child is very young, can you deal with this for the many years ahead?

It’s definitely a control issue.

Especially with the face time. The next time she does that he should finished the conversation immediately.

If this was a man doing this it would be classed as controlling.

@SandyY2K obv I know he can’t completely ignore her as they have to have contact. My issue is her amount of contact I feel is not needed he agrees a lot of the time she txts for nothing of relevance.

I feel as if she’s more interested in talking to my oh than with her child. On each FaceTime she will spend a couple of seconds saying hi to the child then switches to wanting interaction with my oh (mainly about crap)

She does have her own parents but they haven’t ever been as involved as my OH’s. She struggles with looking after the child (not in an at risk way) just she will call my oh’s dad to come down and play with him. I don’t think she is maternal therefore she struggles.

I don’t feel like I need to change my response I feel like he needs to stop engaging in her games as that’s what I feel they are. I mean she rings his mum if he doesn’t answer his phone to her to tell his mum that he’s ignoring her Wtf.

@Totalfangoolie this is my point it’s all about control for her. Annoys me that he is allowing it.

she isn’t maternal

Sexist garbage. Imagine saying a dad 'isn't paternal' when he's seeing his kid 3 days a week.

While contact sounds a tad over the top, it doesn't sound crazy or inappropriate. Your response it completely disproportionate to the situation and sounds like it's being clouded by other feelings you have towards the ex. It's up to your husband and his ex to make their own boundaries. If you have concerns, you raise the with your DH.

If you find yourself getting wound up, remember that it's all for the benefit of the child.

it's called coparenting, he's the father, she'll always be in your life.
Why shouldn't she send photo's, I send my dh photo's he's my dc dad

I feel as if she’s more interested in talking to my oh than with her child.

How much talking is a nursery aged child going to really do though?

On each FaceTime she will spend a couple of seconds saying hi to the child then switches to wanting interaction with my oh (mainly about crap)

The thing is it can seem like a very businesslike transaction, if she just cuts off or if he just cuts her off after speaking to the child. As their child gets older, your OH will not need to facilitate the facetiming, so her chats can't really happen in that way, unless he wants them to.

It sounds like she uses him for a chat when she's alone.

I don’t feel like I need to change my response I feel like he needs to stop engaging in her games as that’s what I feel they are

My point in saying you need to change your response, is that your feelings of resentment are only affecting you. So you can change and not let it bother you, don't change and it continues to bother you and it could escalate or walk away.

You want him to change, but he won't. So where does that leave you?

He either knows how much it bothers you and isn't moved enough to do anything or maybe he doesn't realise how it affects you.

He could also wonder why it's bothering you so much, when he isn't bothered.

It's like any relationship really...if you don't like the way someone behaves....and they have no desire to change...the onus falls to you to accept it (happily or unhappily) or remove yourself from the situation for your own happiness.

I know she annoys you, but you need to get to a place of realising you have no control over her behaviour.

Men often can't be bothered with this kind of conflict with an Ex. I know my ex SIL was super friendly and it made my new SIL a bit uncomfortable...that was her own insecurity.

My brother wasn't going to be nasty or cut her off, because she's the mother of his DC and it would have a negative impact on them.

He often said to me that she does chat a lot, but then she was always a very chatty friendly person. Their divorce (amicable) didn't change her personality.

He has previously said he can't wait till their youngest is 18 and he doesn't have to communicate with her.... this isn't something he shares with his wife...Maybe your OH feels the same deep down.

I have told my brother that just because a child turns 18, doesn't mean you don't ever talk to the other parent about them again.

Weigh it all up and decide if this is that big of an issue for you. If it's really making you unhappy in the relationship, is it in your best interest to stay with him.

Look at the whole of your relationship and think about whether everything else is good except this.

Ultimately, you need to decide whether it's a dealbreaker on the basis that neither of them will change in this respect.

I must say her phoning his mum is incredibly childish. That would piss me off.

I'm honestly trying to help and support you. I understand you don't like the situation, but accepting you can't change that is the first step.

On the other hand if she just irritates you and your thread was a general 'get if off your chest' one, then you could just continue as you are.

@HarrietTheShy I’m not being sexist at all, since the day I met him he told me she’s not very maternal hence why he has the child on a 5day 5night basis.

I have raised it with him and like I’ve said he’s asked her to stop contacting him as much and for pointless things. I made this post to see if anyone has been through similar because I just find it really annoying.

@Devlesko I co-parent myself and split up with my DS father when he was the same age as my OH child is now. We never had this issue and I never contacted him on this level or required his approval on Everything to do with parenting my child. We have a very good relationship but it’s basic as that’s all that’s required.

@SandyY2K Thank you for understanding where I am coming from. It is starting to make a wedge between me and my OH as i find it really frustrating when we’re on a date night (once a week we don’t have children or other commitments) and she txts or calls. We went on a night away at Xmas and she’s txting him pictures of a dusting of snow saying may not be able to get out tomo. The snow stopped within 20 mins of the txt.

She plays games with his mum and dad and tries her hardest to make them feel sorry for her. His mum actually thinks she is lonely, yet she told my OH she is still seeing her BF. So therefore she is playing the victim to his parents. So frustrating.

Try and make a rule for date nights.... phones off or on silent.

The other parent is capable of dealing with an emergency with the child if it arises.

You could also try gently telling him it really ruins the mood for you, when she disturbs your date nights with irrelevant messages and it feels like an intrusion on your time together.

He's told her to reduce the contact...she doesn't listen..so his best bet is to ignore her.

Do you think he understands how much it bothers you?

He could also do with asking his parents, not to contact him on her behalf unless it's an emergency with his DS.

Do you get on with his parents?

@SandyY2K He is fully aware how much it annoys me, it causes non stop conflict between us and as we don’t yet live together it’s becoming an issue.

He txts her back within seconds almost as if he panics if he doesn’t she’s gona call. I feel like it’s bad habits because she took a year to move out I feel like they are still in bad habits.

He’s told his mum, his mum is very controlling she has to be involved in everything to do with the child and they have both allowed it. I found it really odd how involved his family are and still do tbh. I feel like his mum just thrives on it all. I haven’t ever met his mother I don’t feel like at this stage I want too either. She sticks her nose in consistently and in fairness since he’s been with me he’s told her to back off, unfortunately she just doesn’t listen. Atm I don’t want to be involved with his family.

With your last post, I really cant see this situation changing as you would like it to.

When you have a combination of his mum being controlling and his Ex being close to his mum and calling on them for help....a happy future for you isn't looking like a possibility here.

These issues won't disappear as the relationship develops.

You don't want to start living together and 3 years down the line, you're still facing these issues.

Talk less of if you end up having kids together and her and MIL continue to annoy you...and he doesn't put his foot down.

Update** I’ve spoken to her myself regarding this, I was abit arsey with her with my message so I apologised and we spoke for a while. She said she has absolutely 0 interest in my OH and just wants us all to be able to get along for the LO.

I emphasised my issues to her that she needs to stop it with the stupid txts etc that aren’t needed. So we will see how things progress now. Of course it’s easier for us all to get on.

His mother is a different challenge though, I’ll leave that one for now. 😂

My OH says if I move in and his mother still sides with the ex, then she won’t have as much input with him and the child. He said it will be my home and if she doesn’t come over then that’s her problem.

That was brave of you. I hope she cuts down in the texting. She probably had no idea you even knew about the texts, or that it was impacting on you in any way. Time will tell if she takes heed.

My OH says if I move in and his mother still sides with the ex, then she won’t have as much input with him and the child

When you say "sides with the Ex", is that his mum keeping in touch with his Ex and being friendly?

In terms of input with his child, it looks like his mum could still have input via the Ex, given the nature of their relationship.

Good luck anyway.