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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My husband isn't close to my son his stepson

41 replies

Esj0903 · 13/01/2020 10:40

Hi I just want some advice my husband is different to my son that to his 3 from previous and our son together. Unfortunately my sons father walked out of his life as a baby so the only father figure he has is my husband. However, my husband is never affectionate to my son doesnt give him a cuddle or just generally 'nice' to him. They play games together on xbox but that's all it is. My son is kind caring and loving. He can sometimes be hard work but isn't that kids?!? My husband also mocks him about eating (my son has teeth trouble will need brsces) and I often tell him that but he still criticises my son yet doesnt with his older children. I'm really at my wits end as other family members notice to. Please help!! DH also doesnt acknowledge when I try to talk to him Crown Confused

OP posts:
Inforthelonghaul · 13/01/2020 11:14

If you’ve noticed so will your son have OP. Your son only has you looking out for him, what exactly do you want to hear?

Is your marriage otherwise joyful and happy? How are you with your step children, are you warm and cuddly or do you hold them at arms length? Tbh I feel sorry for your son because he will know he is the odd one out and one day he will resent you for allowing it to continue.

I get it’s really hard because you also have a child together but it’s not something I could let go.

lunar1 · 13/01/2020 12:12

I was kind of on the fence until your comment about your husband mocking him. Why should your son have that in his home, the world is cruel enough without being picked on in what should be his safe space.

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 13/01/2020 12:43

It's not really that your husband is not close to your son is it? It's more like your husband is actively being quite nasty to him. Your husband must know perfectly well that this is not ok. What are you going to do about it?

Wildorchidz · 13/01/2020 12:45

How old is your son?
And how long have you been with the fucker that you have forced on your child?

pumpkinpie01 · 13/01/2020 12:47

In what way is he mocking him ? Saying what exactly ?

Annasgirl · 13/01/2020 12:51

and still you married him and had a child with him.......

Clymene · 13/01/2020 13:03

So you have married and had a child with a man who mocks and belittles your child so blatantly that other people have commented on it.

What should you do? Leave him. Your son deserves a parent who priorities his emotional well-being.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 13/01/2020 15:04

Gosh I wouldn't had kids with dc if he was awful to ds totally unacceptable, the fact others have noticed aswell says it all.

notthisshitagain · 13/01/2020 15:11

My mum married a man like this. Im always told he doted on me. Not that I recall. Far from it. Maybe in public, for a while, before my brother was born.

Aged 10, when my mum died, my first thought while standing hugging him in the hospital in front of my gran, aunts, uncles, etc was "He doesn't even like me. Now what?"

He died two years later and I was sad as I didn't know any different really, but I was also relieved. No more treading on eggshells, wishing to be loved, or to feel some kind of warmth towards me from him.

Don't do this to your son, OP. Your husband doesn't feel it and your son WILL know. The only way is out.

Original poster
Esj0903 · 13/01/2020 16:16

Thank you to the people that have put nicer comments than the ones that dont. The reason I stay is because 1. we do have a child together that I longed for (fertility issues) so am extremely thankful for him!! 2nd I thought it would get better and just teething issues to begin with! As I was previously in a domestically abusive relationship with my DS dad! Yes I did get out of that but again it was hard to people shouldn't judge unless it has happened to them!! I also stay because we have a lovely home and my children are warm clothed and dried if I didnt have this then we would be on the streets something I couldn't do to my children EVER!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Esj0903 · 13/01/2020 16:17

To the person that asked about me with my stepchildren. It was strained to begin with as there mum had it in for me because I will say what I think to her!! However now they are older we chat and always embrace each other when they arrive/leave!

OP posts:
didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 13/01/2020 16:50

I'm sorry OP but that just makes it even worse. So your previous marriage was abusive and you got your son out of that situation. Then you marry this new man and he is not very nice to your son. But that's ok because you have a nice home etc.

And yes I have experienced domestic violence, to the point where I left my husband and he reported me missing. The police's reaction to that was to dig up my ex husband's back garden and to look under the floorboards because they thought that he had killed me and our son. So I do understand. But your son should not have to live with someone who bullies him.

notthisshitagain · 13/01/2020 16:54

So your husband won't change and you won't leave. I don't know what you want us to tell you.

To start saving for your son's therapy, or prepare not to have any relationship with him as an adult, maybe?

Up to you. Unfortunately.

Original poster
Esj0903 · 13/01/2020 17:12

I didnt say I wouldn't leave at the moment financially I cant afford to. This is my 1st marriage not 2nd!! And what o wanted is advice from people who are experiencing the same not people who haven't!!

OP posts:
Clymene · 13/01/2020 17:26

I don't really know what advice you're hoping for.

Men like your husband are nasty. They get pleasure from being unkind to children.

If you won't leave him, all you can do is minimise the amount of time your son spends with your husband. And stand up for him next time the bullying arsehole is cruel. Make it clear to your son that you do not condone his abuse. That's the very least you can do.

And perhaps do the freedom programme online because you have set your bar very low.

TriangleBingoBongo · 13/01/2020 17:34

It’s difficult to love a child that isn’t your own with the same depth of feeling as a child that is your own. I don’t think many step parents genuinely do. I don’t kiss and cuddle my DSS, I don’t feel it’s my place either. He has two parents who love him to do that. I care for him and help take care of him and make sure he’s welcome in my home. He does sometimes initiate cuddles etc which I will reciprocate. We rub along together ok and our blended family works for us. So in response to the first part of your post I don’t think that in itself is unreasonable.

But the second part is clearly unacceptable. Does your DP say similar to his biological children? I wouldn’t allow anyone to belittle or bully my DS or DSS for that matter.

DisasterMagnet · 13/01/2020 17:46

I wasn’t loved by either of my step mums. I was the only one. I’ve never forgiven my father for staying in relationships where I was the whipping post. (Not physically). It majorly affected my self esteem and I needed serious counselling when I had my children. I struggle to have a relationship with him now. Is this what you want for your son?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 13/01/2020 18:01

You're causing irreparable damage to you're sons mental well being by staying. No one is being nasty.

notthisshitagain · 13/01/2020 18:07

I've given you my advice from the perspective of the child in the situation. I wouldn't allow myself or my child to be in your situation, so that's as much as I can give. Still pretty relevant. More so, I'd say, as the child is the victim here.

What would happen to your eldest if you drop dead tomorrow?

didyoueverdancewiththedevil · 13/01/2020 18:10

Fine. There’s clearly no problem here. I don’t know what you are hoping to achieve with this post but I think your priorities are wrong. Your son will just have to suck it up won’t he?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2020 18:14

He needs to acknowledge and he needs to stop but he’s not going to if he feels within his rights to be cruel towards your child. Poor kid, he’s been through enough trauma already.

The only advice anyone can give you is to try again to make him stop being an arsehole or to walk away and give your son the happy home he deserves. What else do you imagine can be done?

This toxic dynamic is damaging all the children, not just your son. How are you going to feel if the other children start mocking him because they’ve seen their father do so with impunity? Would you expect your son to put up with cruel taunting from school friends or anyone else? If not then why are you allowing it in his only home?

sunshinesupermum · 13/01/2020 18:24

You're causing irreparable damage to you're sons mental well being by staying. No one is being nasty.

This. Your poor boy.

Original poster
Esj0903 · 13/01/2020 18:25

Right for the record I've had it out with him tonight and mid flow my convo my son came in and said what he felt. He told me that he doesnt think there is a problem and he is happy with how my husband is to him. We mentioned about the eating and my son said sometimes he doesnt realise he eats with his mouth open and my DH said it's one of his pet hates and that's why he goes on about it. My son and hubby said that they thinks it me that comes in between them. Maybe I'm just being overprotective due to previous. Just for the record if I dropped down dead tomorrow my son would go to his nan!! Already agreed! I disagree with some comments on here and feel people are judging me I'm a very good mum and I do have my priorities right and I also have my other son to think of!!

OP posts:
notthisshitagain · 13/01/2020 18:41

Yet other family members have commented on it too.

Sounds to me like your poor son is trying to keep the peace.

Thank god he would go to his Nan.

MiseryChastain27 · 13/01/2020 18:46

My dp isn't a natural with my ds8. He hasn't had kids of his own and it took him a while to bond. However now he will go out of his way to take him places, watch his school plays, play football with him and so on. Sometimes relationships have to be worked on. It's not an instant love like with your biological kids. But I have to say your husband doesn't sound like he is trying at all. I realise it's a tough situation for you but unless your husband changes his ways I personally couldn't continue in a relationship where my son was being at best ostracised and at worse picked on in his own home...