My husband isn't close to my son his stepson

[Esj0903]

Hi I just want some advice my husband is different to my son that to his 3 from previous and our son together. Unfortunately my sons father walked out of his life as a baby so the only father figure he has is my husband. However, my husband is never affectionate to my son doesnt give him a cuddle or just generally 'nice' to him. They play games together on xbox but that's all it is. My son is kind caring and loving. He can sometimes be hard work but isn't that kids?!? My husband also mocks him about eating (my son has teeth trouble will need brsces) and I often tell him that but he still criticises my son yet doesnt with his older children. I'm really at my wits end as other family members notice to. Please help!! DH also doesnt acknowledge when I try to talk to him

Oh well, crack on then. Everyone's happy and it's all in your head

I can’t believe you discussed this in earshot of your son. If I have anything to discuss with my husband concerning DSS (and DS when he’s old enough to understand) we discuss it when he’s in bed, in private.

Look is obviously an issue otherwise you wouldn't have posted in the first place. You're having inappropriate discussions infront of you're son of course hes not going to admit his true feelings. Crack on though love wouldn't want to break up that happy family of yours.

My son and hubby said that they thinks it me that comes in between them.

Your son is trying to avoid disrupting the family unit because he is scared of things falling apart again. That poor boy. He's being bullied in his own home and his mum is watching it happen.

Maybe I'm just being overprotective due to previous.

No, your son is too hyper aware of the situation to be honest and will feel like he's rocking the boat if he says how he really feels.

Imagine taking the piss out of a kid who has already lived in an abusive home, watching him be upset then letting him pretend he is ok really when the person taking the piss out of him is challenged.

It's your job to be his voice when he can't speak for himself because he is scared or sad. You are the adult.

Discussing this anywhere he could possibly hear you is totally inappropriate. I have friends who were beaten the shit out of by their dads and would have defended them to the end of the earth because they didn't want to break up the family unit (as they saw it) but it was up to the other parent (in this case the only parent) to take responsibility for their child.

Your poor boy 😔

Why would you be with someone who makes so little effort with your son? I genuinely don't understand.

YasssKween - spot on.

Your son is trying to keep the peace. He's too vulnerable to be able to be honest.

Children from split families often become really good at telling adults what they think they want to hear. Ds should not have heard this conversation and you should not have included him in this conversation. It's an adults only topic.Think about it- how many adults would be brave enough to admit that things are bad in earshot if the person who's made it bad? Your son has never lived with an adult man who behaves like an adult man so might think things are great because they aren't as bad as they used to be.

I tell you what some people on here really think they have perfect fucking lives dont they!! Wished I'd never!! And yes I want to work on the whole family unit not just walk away from it as i said i was asking for advice from other parents that might be in the same situation not jumped up people who have clearly never been in this sort of situation!!

People are worried for your son. When you've calmed down and are feeling a bit less defensive, maybe you can take on board what has been said and think about how you can forge a better life for you and your children.

If you want advice about how to do that, you'll get lots of help.

Good luck.

Some of us aren't jumped up people who have never been in the situation.

Some of us have been the kid in this situation so given some insight into how your son might be feeling.

I hope the situation describes in your first post improves and your husband can be kinder to your son, stop criticising him, be nice to him and start taking on board how you feel instead of not acknowledging it.

People are only going on what you've said in your posts and their own life experiences, many as the parent or child in similar situations.

Good luck.

If your son eats with his mouth open, you do need to teach him not to do that . It really is horrible to watch someone eat that way, and I'm not sure that braces will fix the problem. Your DH shouldn't mock him, but I do think you need to address that with your son.

I don't know...I'm in a similar family setup. My DP has older kids, I have a son whose father abandonned him and we have a toddler together. My DP and my son don't click, it's mostly "hello" and "good-night" and he brings him to school to help me. But he doesn't mock him. He tried to criticise him once, saying that he was selfish and he had to hear from me. A couple of days ago, he interrupted my son talking, asking if he hears well because he was talking too loud. I obviously defended my son, but my son admitted to me that it's true that he sometimes doesn't notice and my DP said that he was genuinely worried. But it's not a regular occurence.
I can understand that living with a preteen (in my case) is not that easy, I myself get annoyed at my own kids. The same way, his daugther's behaviour is often annoying for me, but I only have to support it EOW whereas our DPs have to support our children every day. Because DP doesn't see his daughter every day, he often doesn't see her flaws and that makes us feel that they are nicer with their children, but not with ours.
Because my son doesn't have a father, I wish there was an affectionate loving relationship between him and my DP (i.e. that my DP replaced the bio father) and I guess because of that I'm more sensitive and I guess it's your case too. But I feel that leaving would be more complicated and that as long as there's no abuse, I just have to live with my dissapointment. I do my best to give my son love, he gets love from my mom and my sister and he has a good relationship with step siblings whom he would lose if we break up, so I think it's still better.
About your H mocking your son, please find a way to talk to him so that he makes efforts to be more diplomatic and the same way, see if there's a problem with your son eating. I know that when my SD does something I'm annoyed about and it's repetitive, I tell her, because my DP doesn't do it.
I'm sorry, I don't have a better advice.

However, my husband is never affectionate to my son doesnt give him a cuddle or just generally 'nice' to him.

You don't need to be a stepparent to know that you can't marry a man until this is sorted. People wouldn't leave their young child with a childminder who wouldn't hug or be nice to their child never mind live with them.

And what o wanted is advice from people who are experiencing the same not people who haven't!! OK, well as a kid I was your son. Only it was my mother who was cold towards me after my father left.

Everyone tells me she loved me, but it didn't feel like she did. She'd mock me, she didn't hold me/hug me, she was different towards me than my siblings.

My son and hubby said that they thinks it me that comes in between them. Uh huh! Did you hubby say this and your son agree?

Op, this could simply be your son keeping the peace.

Esj0903 Don't be like that! Just because you don't hear what you want to hear. You wouldn't have asked for help if you weren't concerned, right?

The outcome? I haven't spoken to her since I left home at 18. I am now lat 40s...

He told me that he doesnt think there is a problem and he is happy with how my husband is to him. Of course he said that, because that is what YOU want to hear and he is never going to put this man down in front of him.

@stellabelle Depends what the issue is! If he has jaw alignment issues then yes it can cause difficulty eating, and braces can fix it. Making a comment like that makes it look like you are blaming the son and and condoning the mocking of him.

Your replies are vile OP, you are allowing your shit choice in men to literally abuse your child and you’re raging at people spending their time to give you advice because they’re not being ‘nice’ enough to you? Fucking hell.

Yeah I too have been the kid in this scenario, like other posters, my mother put cock before her kids, I despise her, her choices damaged me for life. Crack on, eh.

And choosing to not marry and allow some dude to abuse your kid is hardly a ‘perfect life’, it’s an absolute bare minimum base level of parenting.