Play them at their own game... yes or no

[Songbird232018]

So unfortunately relations have gone south ( well even more south) with my partner and his ex. This has recently led to a massive fall out over clothes this summer. To put you all in the picture my partner has 2 kids from previous DS 12 and DD 13 also his ex had a son ( now 16) when they met so he also comes EOW also. We have been together 5 years and have DS 19 months together. Now I love shopping and used to really enjoy buying the kids clothes and shoes etc but 2 years ago the ex refused to let them take anything we bought back home do of course thing got wasted and outgrown very quickly so we stopped buying anywhere near as much and each child has a few changes here now. They are here for 2 weeks over summer and we asked that they bring a few changes of clothes and swimwear/ coat etc. Ex said they can only bring anything we have purchased! So obviously this isn't enough to do and we have gone out and spent almost 200 buying clothes and flip flops, swimwear. It made us angry but whatever. The thing is they are now wanting to take these clothes home and we have said no, they stay here so that when they are with us we know they have nice outfits etc and its just principal really. I bought the eldest new trainers and a bag for college so of course they can go back. Are we wrong? The ex has said they can bring these clothes back fyi....

Always feel for the kids in these situations. Of course they want to bring their nice new stuff home, show off new trainers. It's a shitty situation for them.

I'd be putting the kids first here, £200 isn't a lot. How much would you spend a year if they were living with you full time? You are mirroring their mothers poor behaviour and they are caught in the middle. Don't let these situations turn into mini wars where you or the ex 'wins'. Do what's right by the kids even though it will be frustrating when she can't do the same by her own children

I do too... dont get me wrong £200 isn't going to break the bank but this is alongside almost £280 a months csa for the youngest two. So I just feel that it's not on for us to fork out and then these clothes disappear only for them to come at weekends in ripped leggings /crappy shorts and washed out tshirts. It just frustrates me how we cant be on the same page with kids taking stuff to and fro easily enough as they are old enough!

Yes she is being a pain in the bum. But it's not the children's fault. Try and put their happiness before you hatred for them mum.

£200 isn't a lot

Its a hell of a lot to some people.

Can there be a compromise where they take some clothes home but also leave some at yours. I get the frustration as I've had to nip to Primark on my lunch break (DH works somewhere with few facilities) as PIL had collected DSS 2hrs away for 2 weeks with a tiny rucksack of clothes, no coat and trainers he said were too small. I honestly dont know how his mum lives with herself. I would be so ashamed sending my DC off in that state. I always try to remember that until he has decent access to money its DSS that loses out and will remember how petty his mother has been.

Bonjour Freddie, you are right and my comment was flippant and insensitive. I know £200 is a lot I was commenting in response to the posters previous response that they used to spend a lot more. I know kitting kids out for holiday isn't cheap

Didn't mean to cause any offence!

They’re their clothes. imagine not being allowed to take your clothes somewhere, like in holiday, because the person who bought it (as a gift maybe) said no! It’s not as if anyone in your house needs to wear their clothes. I would lay out the clothes and explain that some stuff needs to stay for when they’re here next time but they can choose half of what’s there to take home and then the next time they come they can do a swap over. Then let them pick whatever they’re taking home.

Also it’s not a game. The kids aren’t playing any game with you so don’t refer to this as playing them at their own game.

@blackcat86 that's not a bad idea to be fair. I am aware that I am slightly letting my angry rule my judgement here but for once I want to feel as I have stood my ground as I always cave... @Bonjourfreddie god dont get me wrong normally £200 wouldn't be lying around! We must bought our first home and we paid 1week rent on our old place then didnt have to pay 1st mortgage payments till sept hence the extra cash flow in August.
It's almost like anything we buy that is useful ie phones/mac books/ ps4 games etc can go back home but then she knows that by denying clothes that it means they get wasted. Vindictive for no reason really.. we always get slated for doing F all and I feel that their dad and both as a team do a fair share and a damn site more than some but always get shafted!!

Just to add I do feel your pain on the kids turning up in shite clothes. I had my nieces living with me for a period last year but have consistently bought them clothes since they were born even when they were with their mam.

There were days when I'd pick them up and go straight to town to get them a change of clothes before we could go anywhere as they were in clothes that were dirty or too small. I'd actually be embarrassed I'd meet someone from work they were so poorly dressed.

The kids would tell me they needed clean socks and pants.

@Givemealittkewan it's so frustrating isn't it, I mean it's not about branded clothing but just clothing that's decent and clean. We had a family anniversary last year and I demanded that we go back home to get them changed first. It would just be nice to know that we have 6 or 7 nice outfits here for our time so I'm not panicking about being invited anywhere

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart it's the other parent and partner that are game playing not the kids

So right about not needing designer, kids clothes now are fab quality from loads of high street shops.

I've had their mam say I'm shallow for refusing to take them out like that but the 7 year old was mortified to be in dirty clothes. Clean underwear, socks and clothes are basics every kid should have.

My biggest bug bear was her in a big winter coat and the kids in summer anoraks! Feel like I've hijacked your post for a rant now

it's the other parent and partner that are game playing not the kids

Exactly. So don’t punish the kids for that. Be the one who didn’t mess them around with silly games.

@Givemealittkewan haha it's nice to not feel like a dragon! I sometimes have inadvertently got the kids a telling off though... so we went through s phase last summer when the youngest kept coming in shorts that were once tracksuit buttons but they had been cut off and badly. So I firmly said he wasnt coming out with us in those and he had to put jeans on. After a meltdown he did and we went out. Then we hear that he has had his playstation taken off him as he refused to wear jeans at his mums to go out and she flipped 'because you wear them for her!' It sounds awful but I'm not letting standards slip when it represents our home. Are your nieces no longer with you?

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart I do agree but it's very hard when you always on the losing side as the mother gets the final say in all matters regardless of the fathers views or opinions. However I will try to come up with a amenable solution:)

No they were with me for 6 months and then I was diagnosed with MS so they are now with their dads aunt. They aren't actually my nieces - they are my ex's sisters children so had the added complication of not being a blood relative too. Dad was in prison, mam had substance abuse issues.

They had a really tough start in life and saw things that would traumatise an adult never mind 2 little girls. They were just living in absolute chaos and getting them out of it took four years. They are happy and settled now with their extended family and doing well in new schools. The youngest will be fine but the oldest I hope will eventually forget the pain and responsibility that she carried for so long.

I do agree but it's very hard when you always on the losing side as the mother gets the final say in all matters regardless of the fathers views or opinions. However I will try to come up with a amenable solution

I know. I guarantee you its hard for the DCs too. They’ll be stressed out over the whole “what we can and can’t bring home/to dads” I think if you have a choice of either adding to their stress or reducing their stress, you should reduce their stress. I “lost” so much clothing to my DCs dads house (they wore it there and it never came back) and they have had so many gifts and toys they loved but were never allowed to bring home (my son still asks about a game at his dads house that he hasn’t seen in two years) it really upset them. (I remember my youngest, aged 4, stressing over finding a pair of socks that exp insisted went back to him.) So I just decided that I wasn’t going to be part of that stress. They could take whatever they liked from home and I wrote it off as never to be seen again. At least I knew it was there for when they went. - -until he stopped coming for them completely- -

Urgh- strike through fail!

These dc are old enough to have a simple understanding of what is going on.

Tell them that of course they can take their clothes and bits home and you expect them in future to bring their clothes and bit to yours, if the mother has any further issue with them bring their own things then that will be the end of it.
It doesn't matter who bought what, it is simple the dc things and they should freely be able to bring their clothes to either home.

You cannot buy other people things with conditions it is a bad lesson to teach children and pathetic.
I'm a Rp and have dealt with an ex who regularly lets the dc lose or get clothes I mainly buy ruined but it's my dc belonging so I have to let it be. It's the dc who get embarrassed and uncomfortable.

Surely at 12, 13 and 16 they should be in control of what they wear? How does their mum enforce her rules on them?

At 12 plus - I'd suck it up and not make them choose.
The clothes are theirs you brought it for them. You putting conditions on it takes it away from being theirs.
Saying you can take it to mums but only if you bring back nice clothes, relies on mum being reasonable. If she's not, then you put them in the position of having to choose which person is mad at them (their mum for arguing/disobeying, you for not bringing their things back). At the end of the day in this situation they can't win.
Buying them cheap clean underwear and letting them wear what they bring is reasonable and stops putting them in the middle.
They'll see their mum for what she is without your input.

In this case what's right and satisfactory for you - making things even with mum and what's right for the kids are two different things.
I get the frustration and anger you feel, but that's at their mum not them and for them you need to keep it in (or rant when they're not there).
This is about someone doing whats right for young people who are powerless in this situation.

We've only a short bit left of the summer now, and with you only seeing the kids EOW, how much wear would they get out of them this year if you don't let them take the clothes with them? 16 days? Instead of potentially 104 days of wear if they go back to the RP house, what a waste.

Think of the planet as well as the kids.

They may well have grown out of them by 2020.

Your £280 maintenance per month equates to 50p per day per child (not counting your DPs DSS) for the days that the RP has them.

If the RP buys each DC a £30 pair of trainers, £20 on trousers, £10 on 2 t shirts & £10 on a jumper, that's £140 on a couple of outfits for the 26-27 days of the month that she has to clothe them. Then she only has 25p per day per child from your DP to put a roof over their heads, feed them, buy school uniform, books, petrol for the school run etc, plus clothes the the other days.

I really think you're underestimating how much money it takes to raise DC.

Could you clothe, feed & house your one DC for 26-27 days a month if your DP only gave you £140 contribution?

Let his DC have THEIR clothes, put them first instead of being petty.

We’ve had problems with clothes for years and I always used to send DSD back in either clothes she’s come in or basic leggings and a t shirt. Now she is older and chooses her own clothes and likes clothes we’d agreed to a basic wardrobe that stays at ours and that she packs and brings back clothes to wear each weekend. We didn’t consult her mum in that and just agreed it directly with her.
I’d rather her clothes got some use but buying an outfit each time she visits when I know she’s been sent in purposefully too small or stained clothes is deeply frustrating

Your £280 maintenance per month equates to 50p per day per child

I’m getting £4.60 per day when I calculate it. And that’s assuming RP has them every day which is t the case so really it’s more than £4.60 a day per child.

£280/2 children= £140
£140X12 months= £1680
£1680/365 days= £4.60 per day per child.

We are not the RPs, therefore we go not buy clothes. That’s what maintenance is for. My SD used to have essentials only at our house. She would bring an overnight bag. It’s ridiculous having separate wardrobes. Waste of money.