Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Play them at their own game... yes or no

43 replies

Songbird232018 · 31/08/2019 22:35

So unfortunately relations have gone south ( well even more south) with my partner and his ex. This has recently led to a massive fall out over clothes this summer. To put you all in the picture my partner has 2 kids from previous DS 12 and DD 13 also his ex had a son ( now 16) when they met so he also comes EOW also. We have been together 5 years and have DS 19 months together. Now I love shopping and used to really enjoy buying the kids clothes and shoes etc but 2 years ago the ex refused to let them take anything we bought back home do of course thing got wasted and outgrown very quickly so we stopped buying anywhere near as much and each child has a few changes here now. They are here for 2 weeks over summer and we asked that they bring a few changes of clothes and swimwear/ coat etc. Ex said they can only bring anything we have purchased! So obviously this isn't enough to do and we have gone out and spent almost 200 buying clothes and flip flops, swimwear. It made us angry but whatever. The thing is they are now wanting to take these clothes home and we have said no, they stay here so that when they are with us we know they have nice outfits etc and its just principal really. I bought the eldest new trainers and a bag for college so of course they can go back. Are we wrong? The ex has said they can bring these clothes back fyi....

OP posts:

Hooferdoofer37 · 01/09/2019 22:03

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart you're right, my maths is shoddy.

£140 a month is £32ish per week per DC.

But the OP was complaining that she had to spend £200 on clothes when she had the kids for a fortnight. I was just trying to point out that clothes are expensive for kids, but the RP has to clothe them all year round and I'll promise you that 365 days of clothes & shoes for 2 growing senior school boys is a hell of a lot more than £200. They eat a lot too!!

The RP has probably spent a similar amount on back to school shoes, clothes, sports kit, bag, pencil case, lunch box, water bottle, bus pass, books etc, she may well not have any left to buy new summer clothes as well.

WhatDo · 02/09/2019 07:00

Hoofer, that's the mothers fault though for initially being funny about the kids bringing clothes home their dad had bought.

If she's struggling to clothe them the other however many days of the year, she should have welcomed the clothes her ex was buying rather than being petty and not letting the kids take them home.

However, I do think you need to be the bigger person her OP and let the kids take them. As annoying as it is, it isn't their fault. Show them you're more mature than that and set a good example for them.

StockTakeFucks · 02/09/2019 07:25

I do agree but it's very hard when you always on the losing side

I know it's hard, but stop looking at it as you losing and instead as the kids winning or at least having an easier life.

If you engage in game playing, the only real losers tend to be the kids.

Pick some things to keep,and let them have the rest. Mum might change the goal posts again,she might not, but that's not the kids fault.

tisonlymeagain · 02/09/2019 11:07

Ugh the clothes thing is an issue. Me and my ex don't sweat it, it goes wherever it needs to. If he's taking them on holiday, I'll send stuff I think they'll like. My partner and his ex - different story. He has to re-buy everything because his ex won't share anything and insists that it's 'hers' and has to be returned immediately etc so when they stay here they have to be returned in the clothes they come in.

AE18 · 02/09/2019 11:38

We don't allow my SS to take clothes and toys home simply because he is 6 and never remembers to bring them back, it is like "can I take this to my house" is a bottomless pit where everything we buy for him goes to die. At the age your step children are, I would say to them yes you can take them back, but only if you bring them with you when you come to stay because we have already bought those items for you and won't be replacing them. Then if they don't bring them back/mum doesn't let them, don't let them take the replacements you have to buy as a result and explain why.

Wallywobbles · 02/09/2019 13:34

With my ex they'd go on Friday in the outfit they were wearing at school and come back in the same outfit - usually dirty on Sunday evening. Occasionally we'd do a clothes swop if a bunch of stuff ended up in the wrong place.

Could that or a variation of it work?

Original poster

Songbird232018 · 02/09/2019 14:21

@WitchyMcpooface how did this go down with the RPs? Just for all on the thread, when the expensive new school years rolls rounds we kit out one kid each fully frol clothes to stationary etc so that's covered.
It's a hard one because the kids even at their older ages are very respectful and ask their mums permission on everything, so if she says you go in your dads clothes do not take anything from this house there and come back in your dads clothes then that's what happens. I am not saying they are wrong however because they are honestly great kids and this is down to the dad and mum, I never forget that and I am grateful she has raised such well behaved kids or I probably wouldn't still be around!!
It's always money which causes problems (99%of the time for everyone am I right?) Basically she thinks we earn a lot and there are certain things we refuse to do or explain, she just has a blatant disrespect for what we do contribute such as clothing etc it's never enough. I would be interested to know if any RP mums can shed any light on this? I genuinely think we do a fair job in sharing stuff but she thinks we do nowhere near x

OP posts:

WitchyMcpooface · 02/09/2019 14:38

We used buy separate clothes, uniform, shoes etc. But I stopped doing it. BM got on my nerves once to often to be honest. “ I want them purchased from here, they have to be this brand”. No one tells me how to spend my money. So I stopped. Oh she moaned about how unfair it was until she rung csa and found out we were actually paying over the amount. We also stopped paying half her school trips too the following year because she moaned once when we couldn’t do it. What she didn’t realise was I was actually paying for it all because my H couldn’t afford it.

Original poster

Songbird232018 · 02/09/2019 15:41

Yeahh kind of the same here, depending when it falls on the month I pay a fair bit out too but it's never begrudgingly until we get excuse my language but BS about stuff. We agreed to pay all trips for one kid and she she pay for the other to make it even but then she says either we pay or they dont go aa she has other kids also and we didnt (at that point we do have a 19 month old now) she has has 2 others with her partner and due to give birth any day again which will be 6th. I was sympathetic at first but am very quickly getting to will that's your problem situation as as I said nothing we do is good enough. She paid for both to go to Alton towers a few weeks ago and we didnt know a thing about it, so when the kids told us the night before we transferred then £20 each for lunch and gifts etc. She complained she could of done with that money to pay for the actual trips... headache central

OP posts:

cookingonwine · 02/09/2019 16:08

Just inform the mother when the children come back you expect the clothes to come back aswell, nothing wrong with that.

WitchyMcpooface · 02/09/2019 16:15

My experience is you’ll never win so why bother! As soon as she starts moaning about something I just cut off the supply. What she hates is I’m not under any obligation to pay for anything. It took her a very long time to understand that. You respectfully take what is on offer, you do not dictate to another co-parent when, where, how much. What’s hilarious is the irony , now I have more money and I can spend it on better quality uniform for my own child. So my child ends up with the uniform she wanted for her child, go figure. I did offer to go half’s on a blazer one year, she said I should pay for all of it, guess what I did, that’s right I paid nothing.

Original poster

Songbird232018 · 02/09/2019 18:52

@WitchyMcpooface seems I'm probably part of the problem trying to hard maybe thinking about it maybe withdrawing will actually show what I do. Thank you for that!

OP posts:

Original poster

Songbird232018 · 02/09/2019 18:53

@cookingonwine I know it really doesn't does it? But its always 'they are in the wash' or 'simply, we weren't allowed to bring anything' it sounds archaic but it happens x

OP posts:

WitchyMcpooface · 02/09/2019 19:30

I found this decision easy to be honest because my SDs BM was “tricky” shall we say. ( I’m being diplomatic) I gave up caring what she thought of me pretty early on. It also helped that my SD was absolutely vile to me so I felt no guilt. What I’m saying is if you don’t have the bollocks to follow through then don’t attempt this attitude.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 02/09/2019 19:57

I used to have this with my ex. He'd send dds back in shitty clothes and keep the decent stuff I'd send her with. It got to the stage that they would wear the clothes I bought them during our time, but send them to Dad's with the shit he'd sent them back in two weeks ago.

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/09/2019 07:20

It's not the money that causes the problems because even when it is there this kind of shit still goes on . It's just a way of causing a fuss and trying to assert her presence .OP you would think your Mum would have enough on her plate with all those kids .

hsegfiugseskufh · 03/09/2019 09:14

for us with dps ex it was a control thing and she did it just to piss us off.

So she'd have us pick dss from school on a Tuesday I think it was then with only the school uniform he was wearing, so we bought stuff for our house, spare uniform, underwear, pyjamas, clothes to wear on an evening etc, shoes, coats etc because she never sent him in appropriate stuff.

Then of course the shoes, coats, uniform and clothes went to her house and didn't come back, same on a weekend, she would send him in clothes that didn't fit, were filthy or stained, had holes in etc.

So we replaced it all again and again and it would all go with him on a a sunday night never to be seen again

we only assumed that she did it to get "one up" on us, but it isn't sustainable. We did pull her up on it a couple of times but she just denied that she was doing it.

I mean what can you do.

He moved In with us and we're not knobs so he took what he wanted with him (old enough at this point to pack his own bag or whatever) and again everything slowly but surely went to her house and never came back.

He now lives with her again and looks scruffy 24/7 - wears the same stuff for days on end, often doesn't even bring spare clothes when he stays at our house. This is partly his fault for being a lazy shit but it seems nothing gets washed regularly at their house.

Whats pathetic is that they have been split for almost 9 years, and she still does this pathetic shit to try and get at dp, and now me because she knows she wont get any reaction out of him whatsoever.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/09/2019 23:36

Clothes can be ridiculously annoying as an issue. DH pays his ex £850 a month for two DC who we have at least 2 nights a week and we still kit them out completely here and have the steady stream of decent stuff going there to never be seen again.

They show up in dirty t shirts, trousers that are too small and shoes with holes in. We do our best by them and the other day DSD said mum didn’t have any clothes which fit her so she had to take enough clothes back for the following week On that occasion, when he picked them up for the next visit which included our holiday with them he asked them to go back into the house and get some of the clothes as they needed them when with us too (and we’d bloody bought them...). We’re happy to give them everything they need and want here but can’t afford to do the same for two households.

Flip

1 2