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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step parenting. My step daughter takes my things.

33 replies

Clairej03 · 21/02/2019 17:52

Hi. My 15 year old step daughter has been taking my make up and things from my room. She has been through a lot in the last few years and has some issues so I really dont want to upset her but I dont even like my own daughters touching my things. She has been taking my make up items - even though she has plenty of her own. Last year she took my 22 year old daughters clothes from her room and we handled it badly I think and it ended up causing so much upset on our home with my husband and I arguing which we never do !
She also lies all the time about lots if things - even really silly things.
I dont want to mention it to my husband or to her if I can help it as I know it will cause so much upset between us but I'm really not sure how to deal with this.
Do I do nothing or do I take it back without saying anything - as anything else I'm sure will cause so much upset in our home and I want to avoid that

OP posts:

MiddleWilliamsWife · 21/02/2019 18:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Livelovebehappy · 21/02/2019 23:12

Maybe her dm is more relaxed about her using her things, so your dsd expects the same at yours? I know most of us would assume our DCs respect that they shouldn’t touch other people’s belongings without checking first, but you learn by example so maybe she is used to doing it at dms house so doesnt know your boundaries and expectations are different? Just have a discussion with her about it. My dd is allowed to use my things as long as she puts them back afterwards, but I appreciate not all parents are like that.

WhiteCat1704 · 22/02/2019 09:35

She is 15. Whatever she has "been through" is no excuse at taking your staff without permission.
I would very firmly tell her so. With a warning that if she takes anything again you will start taking her stuff off her. And follow through.
Otherwise it will only get worse.

Tactfulish · 22/02/2019 09:43

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

daftgeranium · 22/02/2019 10:58

Get your husband to sort it out. His child is his responsibility, he should step up. She is stealing.

troubleswillbeoutofsight · 22/02/2019 11:16

She is stealing rom you. While she’s in your home you have a responsibility to let her know that her behaviour isn’t acceptable. It’s not up to your husband as he’s not being stolen from. I’d start with telling her that you’ve noticed that she’s taken some items. Then very, very clearly ( so there’s no risk of her complaining she thought it was ok to do so at alter date) tell her that you want it to stop immediately. A 15 year old knows that if she takes from someone else without permission it’s theft no matter what her background at home is. I’d also tell her she’s not allowed in your bedroom

Original poster

Clairej03 · 22/02/2019 11:30

With the clothes she took my daughters expensive gym leggings - among other items- my daughter only y noticed as she then posted a picture of herself wearing them on Instagram- before removing it very quickly. I mentioned it to my husband- who is very defensive of her - as I am of my daughters. My daughter messaged her step sister telling her to return her stuff and not to take it again without asking. She was not aggressive to her in any way but it all blew up. My husband felt my daughter should not have done that but I felt if it was her sister ( my other daughter ) who had done this then they would probably have sorted it out between themselves without us getting involved and that she had every right to message her. It was all sorted out in the end and I thought she had got the message not to touch anyones stuff.
She is well aware of boundaries in our home and that I hate anyone in my room and especially in my drawers.
She is not borrowing these things, she is keeping them.

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 22/02/2019 11:51

I don’t see why your daughter shouldn’t have asked for her things to be returned? Did your husband tell his daughter off for stealing or just focus on your daughter asking for them back?

I’d be thinking about getting a lock for the bedroom door. I wouldn’t want anyone rooting through my stuff! If not, at least a large lockable storage box for makeup/other items she might steal.

Tactfulish · 22/02/2019 11:58

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 22/02/2019 18:43

Your DH feels your daughter was unreasonable to ask for her leggings back that his daughter stole? Wow. What does he think she should have done? Said nothing and let her keep them? He sounds like such a twat.

PrettyLovely · 22/02/2019 20:40

Agree with @ralphfromlordoftheflies ^^ your partner is indeed a twat.

He needs to start parenting his child properly.

Original poster

Clairej03 · 22/02/2019 20:51

No he didn't think she should have said nothing. He did tell his daughter off and was very disappointed with her but he felt my daughter shouldn't have been so direct as she is 22 and my stepbdaughter is 15. I disagreed with him on that one. But he is not a twat , he is a wonderful man who brought up his kids after their mum basically walked out on them for another man. Yes I think he has spoiled and indulged them and is worried about her as she is the youngest and has been mucked about by her mum who emotionally blackmailed her in to moving to Spain where she was miserable before she moved back to live with us. She has had so many issues - and had counselling last year which I didn't mention but I dont want you to think my husband is a twat. He's obviously just very worried about her.
We were I think both in the wrong on that occasion as I was angry at her behaviour - without fully taking in to account how all she has been through has affected her. That is why I want to tread carefully but still want her to know it's wrong.

OP posts:

PrettyLovely · 22/02/2019 21:03

My childrens father left them doesnt mean I excuse their behaviour when they do things wrong which are completly unrelated.

"She also lies all the time about lots if things - even really silly things.
I dont want to mention it to my husband or to her if I can help it as I know it will cause so much upset between us but I'm really not sure how to deal with this."

If he was that lovely you would be able to talk to him without things blowing up.
He is suppose to be an adult and a parent if his daughter does things wrong he needs to parent her into changing her bad behaviour.

ralphfromlordoftheflies · 22/02/2019 21:16

Well, if it's all so peachy...as you were then.

snowdrop6 · 22/02/2019 21:16

She sounds very troubled..I expect she feels on the outside of the family and not part of it ,and that's why she's stealing,as you call it..personally I'd stop calling it stealing ,as you said your own daughters would sort it out with you involved.its borrowing,and just ask for it back.
She needs some tlc.does she have money to buy what she needs? Are her needs met? Is she happy and settled at school.does she feel part of the family? ..she sounds very unhappy

snowdrop6 · 22/02/2019 21:17

With out you involved..that should read

Original poster

Clairej03 · 22/02/2019 21:30

That's not very helpful. What I'm saying is I know this might all blow up and cause upset to everyone over some make up and whilst it is wrong behaviour - I dont want that to happen. As I said in my original post, we both handled this badly as we both had never been is a step family before. We are all human and react to situations in our past and sometimes maybe not always logically - even grown ups.
I know I've indulged my children after some things they have been through. I'm not here to ask anyones opinion on my husband.

OP posts:

llangennith · 22/02/2019 21:43

So your SD lives full-time with you? As in, it's her home? In that case I think you need to cut her some slack.
Mr DD's often took my make up or borrowed each other's stuff without asking. Yes I told them off and told them to ask permission first but that didn't always happen.
It's not stealing, it's using stuff in the family home. You happen to be fussy about someone (even your own DDs) touching your things, lots of mothers aren't bothered and will merely have a grumble and say 'ask first' or 'put it back'.

NorthEndGal · 22/02/2019 21:52

You need to say directly to her, please stop taking my things. If you need to borrow, ask , and I will see if I can help.
Say it in front of her father too, so he knows she has been told.
If she keeps it up, he will have to be involved

PrettyLovely · 22/02/2019 22:03

" That's not very helpful. What I'm saying is I know this might all blow up and cause upset to everyone over some make up and whilst it is wrong behaviour - I dont want that to happen. As I said in my original post, we both handled this badly as we both had never been is a step family before. We are all human and react to situations in our past and sometimes maybe not always logically - even grown ups. "

What you dont seem to understand is that it shouldnt blow up especially with your husband, you have to be able to talk about stuff particular teenagers playing up.
You wont get anywhere if he is super over protective of her, he is part of the problem here if you cant even have a rationale conversation with him about it.
Obviously you want to pretend everythings fine amd dandy regarding your relationship but what you previously wrote doesnt portrey that.

thefirst48 · 22/02/2019 22:11

The only thing handled badly last time was by your partner. Please tell me your not that blind to realise your step daughter is in the wrong again and needs to be told? Stop making excuses for her, lots of people had a bad childhood but know not to touch another persons belongings.

Handsfull13 · 22/02/2019 22:37

I would sit down with your husband and ask him how he would like to handle it.

Tell him you don't like her going through your belongs and stealing whatever she wants and it needs to stop.
Put it on him that you will follow his lead in handling it but only if his handling will stop it from happening if not you will be stepping in.
Hopefully that will open a calm conversation to come to a solution.

CantStopMeNow · 23/02/2019 18:36

So you're feeling disrespected and unsupported but.... you don't want to communicate openly and clearly with your husband.
You also don't want to communicate openly and clearly with your dsd.......because having a reasonable conversations results in unreasonable reactions from both.

It's not really a happy or healthy relationship is it?
You can keep pretending it is though.

If you won't insist on being treated with respect then the only option you've got is to put a lock on either your bedroom door or your makeup box/wardrobes etc.
No doubt your partner will have an issue with that too.

MissCharleyP · 23/02/2019 18:56

My ex-‘D’Ps daughter used to do this OP. He, however was a twat and refused to intervene, she’d use my expensive shampoo/bath stuff/make up/perfume. I used to lock it in my car boot in the end.

Magda72 · 24/02/2019 10:10

@Clairej03 - with all due respect you & your family cannot spend the next god knows how long pussy footing around this girl. Yes, she's had a crap time of it but she's 15 now & has to learn to handle the crap. You are doing her NO favours by ignoring what is basically stealing. Does your dh really think it's ok to send her out into the world thinking it's ok to take whatever you want from whomever you want???
We all have to deal with life's upsets & lots of kids have suffered at the hands of flaky parents but that doesn't mean they can use this to get away with behaving as they wish.
My dp's eldest (nearly 19) had used the "don't upset me because I don't get on with my mum" card for years & is now heading out into the world incapable of dealing with anyone who won't do his bidding.
We reap what we sow.

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