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Step-parenting

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Step parenting. My step daughter takes my things.

33 replies

Clairej03 · 21/02/2019 17:52

Hi. My 15 year old step daughter has been taking my make up and things from my room. She has been through a lot in the last few years and has some issues so I really dont want to upset her but I dont even like my own daughters touching my things. She has been taking my make up items - even though she has plenty of her own. Last year she took my 22 year old daughters clothes from her room and we handled it badly I think and it ended up causing so much upset on our home with my husband and I arguing which we never do !
She also lies all the time about lots if things - even really silly things.
I dont want to mention it to my husband or to her if I can help it as I know it will cause so much upset between us but I'm really not sure how to deal with this.
Do I do nothing or do I take it back without saying anything - as anything else I'm sure will cause so much upset in our home and I want to avoid that

OP posts:
stealthmode · 25/02/2019 20:12

My best friend of over 20 years has been staying with me. She could take anything from my wardrobe/ make up/ perfume (you get the picture) and I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But she wouldn’t dream of doing that without asking/ checking in. Knowing I will never say no, but equally knowing that manners mean you ask before you borrow/ take.

These are simple boundaries, manners, life lessons. Call it what you wish. Arguing that her background/ upbringing impacts how you handle it is deliberately clouding the issue and a simple distraction from parenting basics.

Your DD had absolutely every right to ask for her stuff back and you/ your DP should have stayed out of it. You’re on track to raise an exceptionally entitled person, because having a tough upbringing categorically does not entitle you to take others peoples things without asking.

What would I do? I would sit my partner down, have a blunt conversation about how this gets handled between the two of you and tackle it. Parent the child. Don’t make excuses for her behaviour

feralfanny · 28/02/2019 16:25

So if a child takes something without the owners permission it is stealing... however if a step child does it then we must call it borrowing and cut them some slack?
Stealing is stealing and whatever she has been through she should still be taught right from wrong.
Nobody will make allowances for this in the real world when she grows up and fancies helping herself to things that aren't hers.

MrsPworkingmummy · 28/02/2019 22:23

OP, I totally get how frustrating this is. My stepdaughter used to do this too, and it made me so annoyed. As well as my make up and perfume, she'd also take my knickers - usually a really nice pair that were part of a set. It all came to a head when I blew up at my DH and asked him to deal with it. It then became a really embarrassing, awkward issue that was an elephant in the room. This was 10 years ago now. In hindsight, it was probably her jealousy and her want to be like me so that her dad loved her in the same way (that's purely my perception of her rationale for taking my things).

Frazzle678 · 04/10/2021 21:07

Oh gosh I hate it when my daughter takes my stuff. I ask her to ask etc I tell her calmly she carries right on. Just found my jewellery box in her room wjth half the earrings out. I’m having a bad day anyway and it totally enraged me.

Noogar · 04/10/2021 21:40

Zombie thread

Tattler2 · 04/10/2021 21:51

If it were my step daughter ,I way say to her that I have an issue that is bothering me (thus you are owning the situation) and that you need her help in resolving the issue. Tell her that it really bothers you to have others using your things without your permission or consent. Tell her that you had this same conversation with your daughters when they were younger, and you all agreed to never touch anything of the other's without permission. Tell her that you have noticed that she sometimes uses things of yours and that really bothers you ,but because you have never explained to her how it makes you feel that there was no way for her to know this. At this point, I would ask her what is it that she thinks that you can do to solve the problem.

Sometimes, with my kids I find that rather than stating blame things are more easily resolved when I ask them to provide a solution. Granted, sometimes the solutions are fairly nonsensical, but for the most part they usually come up with some balanced ideas particularly when they do not feel blamed or backed into a corner.

Saying that you experience this with your daughters when they were younger makes it seem more like an issue that most mothers and daughters address at one time or another.

I would not address this with your husband unless the situation becomes extreme. This should be a situation that a mature woman and a teenager can resolve with some quiet discussion and a willingness to hear what the other is saying.

I am not a fan of reporting or telling on a child unless the situation is too extreme for me to address directly with the child.

Some situations can require several conversations and reminders before a good resolution is reached.

I might even suggest that if there is a favorite perfume or brand of makeup of which she is particularly fond that she might add it to her Xmas or birthday list.

AliceMcK · 04/10/2021 22:03

I would tell your DH. Tell him your don’t want a repeat of last time with it being blown up, but obviously it’s not acceptable her helping herself to your things and you need to come up with a strategy to work together to sort it.

It’s so common for teenagers to help themselves to things of others in the house, some homes it’s acceptable some it’s not.

Maybe come up with a solution that you have certain things your happy for her to touch, maybe have them in a communal, but some things are out of bounds, no negotiation. Your DH needs to back you up there. If she crosses the line then her problems can not be used as an excuse.

PeeAche · 06/10/2021 09:11

@Tattler2 has given (I think) good advice in how to approach this. “I had this talk with my daughters when they were your age” will help her to not feel attacked.

My mother still thinks I stole a pair of her boots and took them to uni with me and she brings it up all the time. It was 15 years ago!

It is a normal thing between a mother and daughter. Your DH isn’t responding to it normally and that’s making your DSD feel like she needn’t respond to it normally either.

Also, offer to take her out to buy some new makeup…

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