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Step-parenting

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Original poster

annoying little things

29 replies

Donlikewinter · 20/11/2018 12:50

DSS lives with us full time and goes to his mum every other weekend (Friday evening after school to Monday morning). We live around 25min by car, or 30min walk in total+15min train+15min tube. DSS is now in middle school, so his mum asks him to commute by himself, rather than her doing the pickup/drop off.

Yesterday DSS came back home and told us that this morning he doesn't have any money in his Oyster card so he has to use his lunch time (which I gave him on Friday) to top up. I told him no problem I will reimburse that. DP then sent a message to DSS's mum, saying that if she wants him to commute himself, please make sure he has enough Oyster card credit before she sends him off.

Then we got so much drama from this lady...on one hand saying "I have absolutely no problem giving DSS money", on the other hand accusing DP "what you did makes me sick! I really look down upon you! why can you give DSS the money!" to "I never argue money with you even when you refused to give me any spouse maintenance!"

Seriously, why so much drama on such little things!

OP posts:
ghostsandghoulies · 20/11/2018 13:09

Does this happen regularly? If so, a text like that from an ex who you don't get along with is going to inevitably create problems. The addition of "if you want him to commute alone" makes it sound like you are judging her for that decision,

Whose job is it to keep track of the balance of the card? I thought that kids travelled free in London?

Original poster
Donlikewinter · 20/11/2018 13:34

Not too regularly, but regularly enough.

No, absolutely not judging her for letting him to travel alone. Of course it will be more comfortable for him to get a ride, but we know that he can do it and we encourage being independent.

11+ kids don't travel free except for bus/tram.

OP posts:
Redbus1030 · 20/11/2018 16:52

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Anuta77 · 20/11/2018 17:42

I guess she felt that it's not a big deal for you to give him money for travelling from time to time without telling her off and she became defensive.

Yesterday my SS who comes to our place once every couple of months asked me for money for the metro. His mother and my DP make more money than me (I'm on a maternity leave) and I feel bad asking for DP to reimburse me...I guess it's one of these things that you just do and bite your tongue.

I guess she felt judgement on your part and didn't like it. Your SS is old enough to ask his mother for money when he needs it.

Original poster
Donlikewinter · 20/11/2018 18:00

DSS is still young, and can be quite shy when it comes to asking for things. Also he is a boy, he may only realise this once he reaches the tube station (after 15min walk).

As Redbus1030 said above, don't think it's unreasonable to expect a mum to check with her boy whether he has his oyster card and he has enough money to get to the other side. The reply could be a simple ok, rather than accusing and insulting the counterparty.

OP posts:
stuffedpeppers · 20/11/2018 19:58

But your DPs comment was patronising - first offence, new routine, people slip up.

To be honest if my EX sent me a text saying that , I would have told him to suck it up as DC now travelling by tube funded by me in the main, also cuts down his costs as he is no longer doing drop offs and pick ups aswell.

I would leave out the comment that he did not pay maintenance for 2.5 years -so £10 will not kill him!!!!

One up manship on your DPs part - pathetic

Original poster
Donlikewinter · 20/11/2018 22:22

stuffedpeppers, may I ask how to phrase it to make it sound better? That’s a valid point that we could take on board.

However, the rest of your post makes no sense. 1. DSS obviously hasn’t travelled on tube funded by her. 2. She doesn’t pay maintenance so I don’t think there is any costs to cut down. 3. There is no spouse maintenance in their settlement as they get a clean break with equal split of family assets. So plz don’t project what your ex has done to our situation and save your pathetic comments.

OP posts:
IStandWithPosie · 20/11/2018 22:27

I can’t believe she would rather he take an hour travelling on his own in winter including 30 minutes walking than her go and collect him. And that she wouldn’t even give him the money for the travel that she is supposed to cover!

Original poster
Donlikewinter · 20/11/2018 22:33

I think the above posts made a really good point. I believe that she is more annoyed about DP telling/reminding her what she should do, rather than actually giving DSS the money. And her first instinct is still that DP should cover everything.

It should have been a very simple and straightforward conversation.

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 24/11/2018 21:14

@stuffedpeppers

The DSS LIVES with OP and her DP and the DSS's Mum doesn't pay maintenance.

Firefliess · 24/11/2018 23:29

Best thing another time would be to help DSS text his mum himself saying his Oyster card needs topping up. Try to get him managing the relationship himself and leave your DP (and you) out of it as much as possible. She may hate your DP but very likely loves her son.

stuffedpeppers · 24/11/2018 23:44

OP - stand by my first comment - your DP was playing one upmanship and there are far better ways to phrase it. She has slipped up once and he is on her case

Thank you for the drip feed of information now about splits etc etc etc

ohreallyohreallyoh · 25/11/2018 01:20

I pay for everything. I do it without complaint and my children are fully aware of who supports them. I have received texts at 10 at night asking me to put money on so they can have lunch the next day because dad says it’s not his responsibility. Nothing you can do but pay it. I am not about to make my children go without food for the sake of proving a point with the ex. I am also quite sure the only person who gets stressed and upset if I send patronising texts about how to parent is me. So I don’t do it.

HerondaleDucks · 25/11/2018 08:19

I can see where you are coming from OP
However in a similar circumstance we just pay everything and don't even bother asking dm to contribute now.
This weekend she had contact and we drove dsd there and then I bought her lunch. It's just easier to pay for everything cause then at least she sees her kids.
Maybe see if she remembers in future and just quietly check with him before so that he doesn't go hungry.
I remember I used to slip dsd money when seeing her mum to make sure she had something to eat as dm often didn't have the money to buy her a sandwich etc.

lifeinpieces123 · 25/11/2018 10:32

@stuffedpeppers I didn’t drip feed the information as I don’t think it’s relevant. It’s verh clear in my original post about the most two important pieces: DSS lives with us hence no CM involved here, not from our side.

lifeinpieces123 · 25/11/2018 10:33

@Firefliess that’s a good idea, thanks. At first we thought it’s not fair to ask DSS to manage such talk, but it seems wrong.

flamingofridays · 25/11/2018 10:42

I get it op. Dss mum is the same. He lives here and sees her twice a week. While hes at school in term time we pay for a buss pass and he uses that to get there (she sold her car to fund her party lifestyle) but in holidays we dont pay for a bus pass (simple reason he doesnt use it and its money wasted) she has been advised that we make dss available for contact but she does the rest. She still regularly refuses to pay his busfair which enables her to see him and cries about how much better off we are (not true we just dont piss it up the wall)

When dss lived with her she said "if you dont drop him off and pick him up you dont see.him" but obviously the rules are different for her.

It riles me. I would just make dh keep reminding her its her responsibility. You make him available for contact and she does the rest.

stuffedpeppers · 25/11/2018 10:43

OP - your DP could have been more diplomatic - end of, unnecessary rudeness on his part.

Your DSS spends 4 nights with you Mon, Tues, wed thurs
Spends 3 nights with Mum - Fri, Sat, Sun
Which sounds like a sensible decision was made for schooling!
that is not full time - a week is 7 days - 4/7 is not full time!

So for the pedants amongst us -that is not full time with you!
You then say no maintenance paid because they had a clean break - not because if the residency
You are judging her decision to let him use the tube - otherwise the information regarding the time, walking etc would not have been needed - Mum forgot to top up his oyster card - would have been less judgemental and snidey.

The reply from Mum could have been OK - then your DP could have just said - DS needs some money on his oyster card and cut the "if you expect him to commute" - which comes across as he disagrees and is judging.

flamingofridays · 25/11/2018 10:44

stuffed he spends three nights EOW. not every week.

llangennith · 25/11/2018 11:16

OP just accept that you or DH keeps the Oyster card topped up. Your DSS lives with you most of the time, it's his home, you are his family. Treat him as you would if he was your son and make sure he has money etc.

flamingofridays · 25/11/2018 20:22

llangenith why should they pay? They pay for 100% of everything else.

If his mum cant pick him up then the bloody least she can do is pay for his travel. She doesn't pay maintenance when she should!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 26/11/2018 16:55

She should pay for travel, but I’ve always thought for the sake of peace and harmony I’d just keep it topped up. No text messages. Unless it’s pretty important I’d save the arguments for bigger things. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

Cherries101 · 26/11/2018 17:19

If she wants DSS to travel to her she must fund it, otherwise unless she picks him up he stays at home. End of discussion.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/11/2018 18:54

she wants DSS to travel to her she must fund it, otherwise unless she picks him up he stays at home. End of discussion

If I, as a non-maintenance receiving RP, said that there would be screams of withholding contact. Maintenance and contact aren’t linked for a reason. Punishing a child for one parent’s inability to see the wood for the trees isn’t acceptable.

flamingofridays · 26/11/2018 19:15

Its not witholding contact. You make him available for it. Thats all you have to do. Its her choice whether to pick him up or let him get public transport.

The reference to maintenance was that shes not contributing to him at all so imo the least she can do is pay for his travel