My husband expects me to do everything for his daughter

[Lalameme]

My husband and I work from home he earns more than I buy we put equal amount money into the house for bills etc

His daughter is 12 she comes to us 3 days a week had been 7 in the last and mainly 4

He works 7 days a week 52 weeks the year

When she comes here he’s always working I do all her cooking washing care and he seems to expect it.

He doesn’t spend time with her well just a 1/2 hour dog walk so I said if your working you need to have her when your free = never

I don’t know what to say anymore as nothing changes if I say you cook for her he won’t and I’m cooking for all of us so I can’t not cook for him and her
I want her to grow up seeing her dad loves her and will do what parents are meant to.

How do other step parents do this ?
If you both work who does the cooking etc ?
Her mum isn’t working so I said isn’t it best she stays with her Mum and you see her when you CAN make time ? He didn’t reply.

[swingofthings]

Lalameme, I have no idea what you are on about! I read my message again but can't see where I implied you were a bad person! The problem is your OH, not you. Saying that, your last post implies that you don't think he is doing anything wrong and that her mother should keep her so that your OH could work all hours of the day to build a house for you.

Didn't it occur to you that her mother is actually feeling very sorry for her DD that her dad is showing her so little interest and that a house matters more than she?

I'm confused with your last message because you said yourself in your first one that you want her to grow to seeing that her dad loves her so clearly you agree that he is not doing a great job at it right now.

[Graphista]

"I think he is doing a good thing" you're back-pedalling and you're wrong. Children don't think or feel that way, hell most adults don't! Better an involved, loving dad in a council house than a cold distant one in a mansion!

"How about the fathers that see they’re child once a week or once a month ? How come they don’t get blasted ?" They do on here! And I'm certainly critical of fathers who don't make the effort with their children as I've seen first hand the damage that's done.

"Her mother doesn’t work if my daughter was staying at her dads and he was working I’d say be with me more and see him when takes time off."

A you've said yourself he DOESN'T take any time off

B whether mum works or not is irrelevant - this is about the daughters TIME with her FATHER.

"Well I’m sorry to have posted I didn’t really think I needed to be bashed but I’m sure you all who bashed me have perfect lives are perfect parents and have perfect partners ?
I suppose none of you sit in your phones and ignore your kids or go out drinking regularly or work long hours or sit in benefits ?" True colours showing now! Yours the one that posted about having to do everything for HIS daughter and asking what other step parents do - the short answer is - not this! People post on mn when there's problems, for the most part people muddle through but WITHOUT ignoring their own children when they're staying with them.

But hey, you and he think a pile of bricks are more important than his child so when the child reacts accordingly he'll only have himself to blame.

[BasilFaulty]

The poor kid. Ffs if he was single he'd have to do it all himself.
Yes OP the DD is lucky to have you, I don't think anyone has said differently??
As for the 'think the mum should have the kid more' I don't see why you would say that aside from punishing the child for the fathers shit behaviour and letting him off the hook
If anything he should be having her more to try and iron out all the issues.
And please don't bring in the mothers council house and rent arrears. If he's as financially comfortable as you are making out it should never have got to that point and shame on him - that's his child's home.

[BasilFaulty]

Oh and your DH is a sexist knob

[BlueBug45]

OP if you want in future years when the daughter is an adult her only decent relationships will be with you and her mother then continue what you are doing.*

Even if your husband takes an morning off a week to be with her solely, while it is still shit it is better than nothing.

Being self-employed is not an excuse to ignore your children or sick family members so you need to speak to your husband to tell him clearly you are fed up and he needs to step up. If you don't say anything and he doesn't change his behaviour then you are going to end up leaving him once you have sorted out getting the money back that you put in the house as both you and his children have no quality time with him.

I would suggest you leaving her in the house with him on a weekend morning for half the day but I suspect with her being 12 he would just leave her to fend for herself and then have a go at you for "forcing" him to leave her alone.

Also it isn't up to her mother to have her full-time as she has two living parents. The entire point of child residence now is for a child to maintain good relationships with both parents. Your SD being of secondary age can refuse to spend time with you as her father isn't pulling his weight, but as she is currently happy to be in your company she clearly gets on with you.

*I know a few adults who have continual relationships with an ex-step parent simply because they were the adult who took care of them when their own parent, the ex-step parent was married to, didn't do what was needed for them as a child.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

I feel for you but it's not the mum's responsibility. He's a shit dad and and shit husband by the sounds of it.

This is why he is an ex.

Make a stand or you or doomed.

[CurlyRover]

Your DP sounds shit. I love spending time with my DSD but I sure as heck wouldn't want to be the one solely responsible for her. Your DSD deserves a relationship with her Dad. I wouldn't be surprised if she soon refuses to come any more as she's clearly not getting a relationship with her father out of her visits.

Can't you rearrange your work a little so you're working more when she's not there, then make yourself horrendously busy when she is so he is forced to be responsible for her? though I suspect as others do that he would just leave her fend for herself.

[HZ1987]

@Lalameme you sound like a confused bitter person. Her mum doesn’t need to have her more. She’s his daughter as well. The fact that you chose to be a punching bag and take responsibility for his daughter just so that he can build you this dream house which trust me, isn't going to make you any happier. You chose to sell your peace for material gains so stop complaining. Her mother isn’t benefitting from the house and she didn’t single handedly have her so maybe don’t complaining about the issue and speak to you selfish OH.
and there are a lot of angry people. You made people angry because of your stance.

[Pennyforyour]

ZOMBIE!!!!

[ShakeNvacStevens]

@HZ1987 You sound even more confused since the daughter in question will be around 18 yo now. You just wanted to have a go didn't you, who's sounding bitter eh?

[SemperIdem]

@HZ1987 christ how long did it take you to dig out this ancient thread?

[HZ1987]

I know. I didn’t actually dig it out. I googled something and it came up.