My husband expects me to do everything for his daughter

[Lalameme]

My husband and I work from home he earns more than I buy we put equal amount money into the house for bills etc

His daughter is 12 she comes to us 3 days a week had been 7 in the last and mainly 4

He works 7 days a week 52 weeks the year

When she comes here he’s always working I do all her cooking washing care and he seems to expect it.

He doesn’t spend time with her well just a 1/2 hour dog walk so I said if your working you need to have her when your free = never

I don’t know what to say anymore as nothing changes if I say you cook for her he won’t and I’m cooking for all of us so I can’t not cook for him and her
I want her to grow up seeing her dad loves her and will do what parents are meant to.

How do other step parents do this ?
If you both work who does the cooking etc ?
Her mum isn’t working so I said isn’t it best she stays with her Mum and you see her when you CAN make time ? He didn’t reply.

[HZ1987]

I know. I didn’t actually dig it out. I googled something and it came up.

[SemperIdem]

@HZ1987 christ how long did it take you to dig out this ancient thread?

[ShakeNvacStevens]

@HZ1987 You sound even more confused since the daughter in question will be around 18 yo now. You just wanted to have a go didn't you, who's sounding bitter eh?

[Pennyforyour]

ZOMBIE!!!!

[HZ1987]

@Lalameme you sound like a confused bitter person. Her mum doesn’t need to have her more. She’s his daughter as well. The fact that you chose to be a punching bag and take responsibility for his daughter just so that he can build you this dream house which trust me, isn't going to make you any happier. You chose to sell your peace for material gains so stop complaining. Her mother isn’t benefitting from the house and she didn’t single handedly have her so maybe don’t complaining about the issue and speak to you selfish OH.
and there are a lot of angry people. You made people angry because of your stance.

[CurlyRover]

Your DP sounds shit. I love spending time with my DSD but I sure as heck wouldn't want to be the one solely responsible for her. Your DSD deserves a relationship with her Dad. I wouldn't be surprised if she soon refuses to come any more as she's clearly not getting a relationship with her father out of her visits.

Can't you rearrange your work a little so you're working more when she's not there, then make yourself horrendously busy when she is so he is forced to be responsible for her? though I suspect as others do that he would just leave her fend for herself.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

I feel for you but it's not the mum's responsibility. He's a shit dad and and shit husband by the sounds of it.

This is why he is an ex.

Make a stand or you or doomed.

[BlueBug45]

OP if you want in future years when the daughter is an adult her only decent relationships will be with you and her mother then continue what you are doing.*

Even if your husband takes an morning off a week to be with her solely, while it is still shit it is better than nothing.

Being self-employed is not an excuse to ignore your children or sick family members so you need to speak to your husband to tell him clearly you are fed up and he needs to step up. If you don't say anything and he doesn't change his behaviour then you are going to end up leaving him once you have sorted out getting the money back that you put in the house as both you and his children have no quality time with him.

I would suggest you leaving her in the house with him on a weekend morning for half the day but I suspect with her being 12 he would just leave her to fend for herself and then have a go at you for "forcing" him to leave her alone.

Also it isn't up to her mother to have her full-time as she has two living parents. The entire point of child residence now is for a child to maintain good relationships with both parents. Your SD being of secondary age can refuse to spend time with you as her father isn't pulling his weight, but as she is currently happy to be in your company she clearly gets on with you.

*I know a few adults who have continual relationships with an ex-step parent simply because they were the adult who took care of them when their own parent, the ex-step parent was married to, didn't do what was needed for them as a child.

[BasilFaulty]

Oh and your DH is a sexist knob

[BasilFaulty]

The poor kid. Ffs if he was single he'd have to do it all himself.
Yes OP the DD is lucky to have you, I don't think anyone has said differently??
As for the 'think the mum should have the kid more' I don't see why you would say that aside from punishing the child for the fathers shit behaviour and letting him off the hook
If anything he should be having her more to try and iron out all the issues.
And please don't bring in the mothers council house and rent arrears. If he's as financially comfortable as you are making out it should never have got to that point and shame on him - that's his child's home.

[Graphista]

"I think he is doing a good thing" you're back-pedalling and you're wrong. Children don't think or feel that way, hell most adults don't! Better an involved, loving dad in a council house than a cold distant one in a mansion!

"How about the fathers that see they’re child once a week or once a month ? How come they don’t get blasted ?" They do on here! And I'm certainly critical of fathers who don't make the effort with their children as I've seen first hand the damage that's done.

"Her mother doesn’t work if my daughter was staying at her dads and he was working I’d say be with me more and see him when takes time off."

A you've said yourself he DOESN'T take any time off

B whether mum works or not is irrelevant - this is about the daughters TIME with her FATHER.

"Well I’m sorry to have posted I didn’t really think I needed to be bashed but I’m sure you all who bashed me have perfect lives are perfect parents and have perfect partners ?
I suppose none of you sit in your phones and ignore your kids or go out drinking regularly or work long hours or sit in benefits ?" True colours showing now! Yours the one that posted about having to do everything for HIS daughter and asking what other step parents do - the short answer is - not this! People post on mn when there's problems, for the most part people muddle through but WITHOUT ignoring their own children when they're staying with them.

But hey, you and he think a pile of bricks are more important than his child so when the child reacts accordingly he'll only have himself to blame.

[swingofthings]

Lalameme, I have no idea what you are on about! I read my message again but can't see where I implied you were a bad person! The problem is your OH, not you. Saying that, your last post implies that you don't think he is doing anything wrong and that her mother should keep her so that your OH could work all hours of the day to build a house for you.

Didn't it occur to you that her mother is actually feeling very sorry for her DD that her dad is showing her so little interest and that a house matters more than she?

I'm confused with your last message because you said yourself in your first one that you want her to grow to seeing that her dad loves her so clearly you agree that he is not doing a great job at it right now.

[tribpot]

Isn't she basically coming to you so that he can get out of paying child support?

I think you will have to push the point by simply not being in whilst she's visiting.

[Snappedandfarted2018]

Wtf you sound like a dick. He has zero time for his dd she is as much his responsibility as she is her mothers. Great that you’ve stepped up but it’s not her mother to step in but you’re waste of space of dh. Continue being a mug by all means. FYI ex sees ds twice a week and actually spends that time with him, he doesn’t leave it all to his wife! A child should have a relationship with BOTH parents.

[Lalameme]

#swingofthings I don’t know why your trying to make me out as the band person I’m the one who stepped up and was there for they’re child - I did all her washing cooking cleaning clothes buying spent time with her took her out etc - when her parents were wrapped up in there own selves so please don’t imply things.

If I wasn’t with her father she wouldn’t see me anyway so this is not my fault her parents choose themselves I’ve yheure daughter.

I think he is doing a good thing the house of course will benefit her but odd people thinks it won’t ? It will be a safe secure home for her unlike her mother council house of which is £92 a weeks ns her mother was taken to court for eviction for £2200 rent arrears

How about the fathers that see they’re child once a week or once a month ? How come they don’t get blasted ?

Her mother doesn’t work if my daughter was staying at her dads and he was working I’d say be with me more and see him when takes time off.

Well I’m sorry to have posted I didn’t really think I needed to be bashed but I’m sure you all who bashed me have perfect lives are perfect parents and have perfect partners ?
I suppose none of you sit in your phones and ignore your kids or go out drinking regularly or work long hours or sit in benefits ?

Please don’t reply I’ve unfollowed this as there soooo many angry people on here

[Wdigin2this]

I wouldn't accept this scenario! You have to tell him quite clearly, that he can't leave ALL the parenting to you, apart from anything else, how must it seem to his daughter? Tell him you're not doing it, and stick to it!

[swingofthings]

So he is working all hours to build the perfect house for you and him at the cost of spending any time with his DD and you I assume?

He will see it that he is doing all this for you and therefore you are looking after his DD for him. The problem is that his DD is getting nothing of it, her dad doesn't value her presence, clearly neither do you, and her mum seemed to have been happy for her to be with you as much as possible.

Poor kid. I expect you don't need to worry as it won't be long until she decides she doesn't want to come any longer, or if she does, it will be for the benefit she gets from the house, not to see her dad.

I expect your OH will then cry that after all he has sacrifice, his DD is being a brat for not wanting to see him again. Assume the same will apply if you decide you also have enough of a husband who value working for a house more than spending time with his wife.

[chocpop]

I think you're being taken for a ride, unfortunately.

If your husband earns more, then he should be contributing more to the household, imo. It's quite unfair that you're losing a larger percentage of your wage (especially when you appear to do considerably more work around the home (washing, cooking etc)). Your time is valuable and needs to be appreciated.

Secondly, he really needs to prioritise his time better and make changes. I understand that being self employed means that you will work longer hours, but this should not impact on time spent with family. He needs to learn to manage his time better or make sacrifices. If he needs to take someone else on board or work less hours and drop how much he earns to make time for his family, then that's what he needs to do, for the benefit of you and his daughter.

You need to be firm and demand changes now, or you'll end up in an unbreakable cycle later down the line, where you're under appreciated and left to sort everything while he does what he wants. You deserve more- make sure he knows it.

[PhilODox]

People who run their own businesses do, breakfast. Pretty much normal.

[BreakfastAtSquiffanys]

No one can work 7 days a week 52 weeks a year unless they're prepared to drop dead in the office

[SandyY2K]

You're basically free childcare for him. She'll remember how he never did anything for her and he'll wonder why she's not close to him as she grows up

In his delusion...he'll spout off saying how ungrateful she is and she's wanted for nothing.

He's a poor excuse for a father.

[Grobagsforever]

Why did you marry this man?

[pallisers]

is not taking you up

[pallisers]

So his ex should have her more so your dh can work seven days a week to build a house that will benefit you and him - not his ex.

Does it occur to you that his ex is taking you up on the suggestion that she "has her more" to facilitate his investment in his financial future because she is well aware that given a chance, his daughter will hardly see her father at all. She is as aware as you are how highly he rates his daughter.

Meanwhile his daughter knows exactly where she is in his priorities.

[youbrokemytwatometer]

I couldn’t respect, never mind love, such a pathetic excuse for a dad.