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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should I be worried that my daughter doesn't want to give my boyfriend a father's day card?

41 replies

Kaya230 · 03/06/2018 18:03

My daughter is nearly 8. For 6 years I was single and she had no father figure at all in her life. Then 2 years ago I started going out with a new boyfriend, the first one I'd had since my daughter was born. He is brilliant with my daughter, he makes a real effort and treats her like his own child. But she is quite rude to him and never shows him affection the way she does with me. Today we were buying my dad a father's day card. I asked if she wanted to give my boyfriend a card and she said 'no'. I said 'ok' and left it at that. But should I be worried? My boyfriend is like a father to her (her biological father has never been in her life) but I think maybe she doesn't like that she now has to share me with someone else. I'd like to know other people's thoughts and experiences on this, please?

OP posts:

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puch · 03/06/2018 18:06

He is not her dad though. 2 years is not really a very long time for a child to get to know a person and call him Dad. I wouldn't push her . being with you for 6 years and then have to share you with someone else can be very hard on a child. there is no reason for her to get a card.

YearOfYouRemember · 03/06/2018 18:08

How is he like a father to her?

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 03/06/2018 18:09

He is not her father, so no, I don’t think you should worry that she doesn’t want to give him a father’s day card...

ButtonLoon · 03/06/2018 18:10

Seven year olds are not good at that level of empathy yet, she will not necessarily think of your partner as a father and will not realise how.much a card would mean to him.

SardineReturns · 03/06/2018 18:12

He's not her dad so I don't think that's off.

If she's rude to him and ? doesn't like him then that is maybe an issue obviously.

GinAndSonic · 03/06/2018 18:12

My ex has been in mine and my kids lives for 5years now and genuinely does more for them than their feckless father. He's not their dad though. Sadly.

JennyHolzersGhost · 03/06/2018 18:15

He’s not her father and she probably has some very complex feelings about your suggestion that he could be.

moodance · 03/06/2018 18:17

Depends on the spirit of the card ... so many mums call their ex the sperm donor ... so when a real man takes on the "fathers role" why is it considered inappropriate to celebrate what the male role model does for the individual?

Is your ex on the scene? Just wondering if there is a barrier for her?

UmSrsly · 03/06/2018 18:19

OP when I was your dd's age I had had a step dad for 2 years. I was very clear that he wasn't my dad (maybe slightly different in that my dad was around and involved) but I would have been very prickly at any suggestion from my mum that I get him a father's day card. Honestly, I wouldn't push it if I were you. She may come round to him or she may not (my relationship with my step dad is still relatively distant and I am in my 40s) but it needs to come from her, not you.

chuckiecheese · 03/06/2018 18:20

I don't think you should be worried she just doesn't see him as her father and technically he is not.

If I were in this situation I would say no more about it and as she is still very young. Your boyfriend is your choice, not necessarily hers, and perhaps she is finding it hard to 'share' you with anyone else, nothing more.

Pleased to hear he is happy to spend time with her etc, so it may change for her over time. If not no worries

AmazingPostVoices · 03/06/2018 18:20

You love him. She doesn’t.

It’s good that he’s kind to her but it doesn’t buy love.

She might get there in the end but no one should push her.

Wolfiefan · 03/06/2018 18:22

You think he's like her father. She clearly doesn't feel the same. She shouldn't be rude to him but she doesn't have to see him as a father.

Littlechocola · 03/06/2018 18:23

He’s not her dad, she doesn’t see him as a father figure. Don’t push your feelings on to your child.

KreigersClones · 03/06/2018 18:23

He’s not her Dad, so I wouldn’t expect her to want to get him one.
I wouldn’t push it at all if I were you, it might have the reverse affect of what you intend and actually create a strain between YOU and your daughter.

Nothisispatrick · 03/06/2018 18:24

You've only been together two years. He is not her father or even a father figure.

angelroad · 03/06/2018 18:26

No, sounds like you're trying to force it. In the future she might decide she wants to give him a card herself, but it's for her to think that and show she sees him as a father figure rather than be told that's what he is.

It doesn't mean she doesn't like him - I'd never ever send my stepdad a fathers day card but I still have a great relationship with him and am glad that he's part of our lives.

PurpleDaisies · 03/06/2018 18:28

I’d never buy my step mum a mother’s day card. She’s not my mother.

I wouldn’t worry about it, and definitely don’t put any pressure on her to buy one.

Doofenschmirtz · 03/06/2018 18:32

From her perspective she had you all to herself for 6 years. Then at some point during the past 2 years (unless you introduced him straight away?) a man came into her life.

He's not her dad and of course she's not going to show him the same affection as she shows her mother. It's a little odd that you think that she should/would.

You're trying to force something that isn't there and it has the potential to backfire.

negomi90 · 03/06/2018 18:37

My mum has been with my step dad for 20 years, I've never got him a father's day card.

WhiskeySourpuss · 03/06/2018 18:50

I was about the same age when my stepdad came into my life & although now I don't think of him as any less of a father than my biological dad it was a good 5 years of him being around before I thought of him that way.

It takes time to build a relationship like that & it needs to build on is own steam - my mum never pushed it but I wasn't allowed to be rude to him.

With regards to you saying she doesn't show him affection the way she does with you she may never do that - you are her mother & have been there for her forever whilst he hasn't.

Sadly my stepdad passed away 10 years ago & mum has a new boyfriend & I have to admit I'm finding it harder to deal with this time round - so my advice would be don't force the relationship but encourage it to develop naturally & be grateful you don't have a stroppy 39yo to deal with in the same situation

Original poster

Kaya230 · 03/06/2018 19:11

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/06/2018 19:16

You’re right to listen to her and not push it.

She shouldn’t be being rude to him, you need to tackle that, she wouldn’t (hopefully) be like that to a teacher or a friend of yours. But she also doesn’t have to like or love him, she’s used to not having to share you and she’ll get used to it at her own pace. She’s got a lovely mum, she doesn’t need a dad and she might not know what to expect from the idea. It’s great you feel he plays a positive part in your lives. Father’s Day is your opportunity to thank him for what he does FOR YOU and for his kindness and care for her. If it’s not something she’s ever done or known then she might not ever want to give anyone a Father’s Day card.

I get a thanks for being our stepmum card from my DSC, who have a mum who doesn’t do mother’s day. But it’s come entirely from them and it’s lovely but not something I’d ever have expected.

funinthesun18 · 03/06/2018 19:22

I would go along with her wishes. He's a grown man I'm sure he will be ok. I would have hated being pressured in to getting my mum's partner a Father's Day card and I'm glad my mum didn't push for it to happen.

lunar1 · 03/06/2018 19:45

She might be kinder to him if you stop trying to force the father role on them.

TheFaerieQueene · 03/06/2018 19:47

Seriously? He isn’t her father. It isn’t that difficult.

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