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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I be worried that my daughter doesn't want to give my boyfriend a father's day card?

41 replies

Kaya230 · 03/06/2018 18:03

My daughter is nearly 8. For 6 years I was single and she had no father figure at all in her life. Then 2 years ago I started going out with a new boyfriend, the first one I'd had since my daughter was born. He is brilliant with my daughter, he makes a real effort and treats her like his own child. But she is quite rude to him and never shows him affection the way she does with me. Today we were buying my dad a father's day card. I asked if she wanted to give my boyfriend a card and she said 'no'. I said 'ok' and left it at that. But should I be worried? My boyfriend is like a father to her (her biological father has never been in her life) but I think maybe she doesn't like that she now has to share me with someone else. I'd like to know other people's thoughts and experiences on this, please?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SD1978 · 03/06/2018 19:50

You’ve known him two years- when did you introduce them to each other? Do you live together? When did you move in with each other? I’d imagine (hope) that you didn’t all meet at the same time- you got to know each other first? It doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t like him, but she was used to a certain way for most of her life. Not jumping in and accepting your relatively new partner as new daddy, doesn’t mean she doesn’t like him, but that she doesn’t see or want to see him as a daddy figure. You asked, she said no, and you left it at that. Well done for not pushing her. If she’s going to see him that way, she’ll do it in her own time.

Beamur · 03/06/2018 19:53

My SC's are lovely kids, we get on really well. I've known them for 15 years, never had a card.
I'd expect the courtesy of birthdays and Christmas to be acknowledged, but Fathers Day/Mothers Day - only if instigated by the child.

bobstersmum · 03/06/2018 19:57

He's not her dad and it doesn't seem like she likes him very much.

laloup1 · 03/06/2018 20:29

What Annelovesgilbert says.
I completely agree it’s a perfect time for you to acknowledge that he has embraced the pair of you as a package deal. It’s a tough gig for him and he’s trying.
My partner unexpectedly did this for me this year and his words on the day meant a lot to me. I’ve been in his daughter’s life for three years. She has a Mum and I don’t try to be one but I am a loving and caring adult in her life. That has its ups and downs and i don’t always get it right so I was really grateful that he made it about him being appreciative of what I bring/try to bring to his daughter’s life and our family life.
You cannot decide for her that he is her father figure. That’s for her only to decide.

Sevendown · 03/06/2018 20:48

Maybe you should listen to your dd.

She is telling you she doesn’t want him around.

Don’t force a man into her life just because you don’t want to be alone.

RickyGold · 03/06/2018 20:57

My stepfather has been in my life for nearly 30 years, I have never got him a father's day card, doesn't mean we are not close, he refers to me as his daughter, he is my ds's only grandparent and he spends Christmas with me and ds and not with his biological son, but he is not my dad, my dad died when I was a child. My partner has been in my ds's life for more than half of it, it has never crossed my mind for him to give dp a father's day card.

Spanglyprincess1 · 03/06/2018 22:23

My youngest sd offered to give a card with to mommy in it to me and I said no as her mom would really want the card more but it was a lovely gesture. It might upset the biological parents to give fathers/mother's Day cards to non parents.
Could you do some crafting a make a non labeled gift eg a nice picture or paint a rock or something? That's what I did instead and I made her one back which she liked.

SandyY2K · 03/06/2018 22:29

You're the one I'd be worried about here, not your DD.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 04/06/2018 08:37

Your DD is right to not want to buy him a card, he's not her dad and she clearly doesn't like him.

You may love him and want him in your life but she clearly doesn't. You can choose to listen to that or ignore her feelings and carry on the relationship.

Irksomeness · 04/06/2018 14:23

It doesn't mean that she doesn't like him just that she does t want to buy him a fathers card. I wouldn't worry about it but I also wouldn't try and force her to treat him like a 'Dad' either.

moofolk · 04/06/2018 14:29

Don't force it. If he's that good he'll be around for many years to come and it will mean much more in a couple of years when she does get him one.

prettypinkpeonie · 04/06/2018 14:34

I didn't find out till I was older that my Dad wasn't my Dad. But he hated having Fathers Day cards even from my brothers & sisters that were bio children. We showed our love to him and still do in lots of ways.

I know if I got him a Fathers Dad card, a card from DC as their Grandfather, he wouldn't think much of it. In fact at Christmas he tells us don't get him a card as it'll go straight in the bin. It's a waste of cardboard and money.

I would say if you see this man as a long standing figure in your DD's life you need to tackle why she's so rude to him. I'd guess it's well we've been just you and I for years, what do we need a man for. I think the not wanting to get a card is the least of your worries.

If you were married or had a sibling she'd possibly change her mind. I'm of the opinion the worst you can do is let your child dictate your life in any way.

If your partner questions it say you want to work on her attitude first, then address cards etc. As to me that is the most important.

Hissy · 05/06/2018 22:49

You should be VERY worried ..

About your own thinking

This is a bloke in her life for a couple of years, less... unless you introduced them within weeks of meeting... you didn’t, did you?

At 2 years in YOU don’t even know this guy fully, let alone trying to get your dd to call him Dad!

Give yourself a shake love! Be happy they get on, model what a strong and decent relationship should look like, but don’t mess with her head. Let her feel what she wants to feel.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 06/06/2018 09:11

I've lived with my SDs for a couple of years.

They've brought me back drawings they've done for me in kindergarten and school - those mean the world to me.

I'll never receive, nor would I expect to, a father's day card. It would certainly never occur to me to be concerned about this - we've been careful to establish a very clear boundary between what I am to them, and what their dad is to them, and I think they've coped with the whole process incredibly well because of that.

I know that your child's father has never been there in her life, and if your partner had have been there from the beginning then maybe it would feel natural enough, but she had very formative years where it was just you and her. You can't fill that gap with someone new and ask her to think of him as 'dad.'

Shutupanddance1 · 06/06/2018 09:14

My stepdad has been on the scene for over 10 years and I still don’t buy him a Father’s Day card as I still don’t like him.

Can’t force love on someone

ElChan03 · 06/06/2018 10:02

I wouldn't have even suggested it to her.
My dsd gives me step mother cards but that's her choice and my dp never ever suggests it to her.
At 2 years you need to seriously calm it down or you're going to alienate your own daughter.
Love for your parents partner is a choice not compulsory.

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