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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Splitting rent.. blended families h

44 replies

Attilathehunny · 01/04/2018 23:18

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Have to stay as dd dad is here + dp exw.
I’m house hunting with partner and struggling with how to split bills. I have 1 child & he has 3. We are therefore looking for a 3/4 bed house & kids will share room / oldest gets their own. At the moment we both rent 2 bed apartments for around 550 / week. We are looking at around 1000 per week and will split the rent in half. So both saving 200 a month. Win win? However I’m starting to feel that’s unfair on me as if he only had 1 child then we could be renting a 2 bed and saving considerably more! He earns a lot more then me ( a LOT more) however give exw child support and I get of my ex. We are not married. Due to my circumstances for last few years I’ve been completely fixated on saving and cut expenses wherever I can. Ergo I have savings despite low income. He however is in debt ( getting out of it since he met me) am I fixating too much on the $$ ? Really interested to know how people feel

OP posts:
OneEpisode · 01/04/2018 23:23

So the new arrangement means your dc no longer have their own room, instead they will share?

SecondaryConfusion · 01/04/2018 23:50

How much time will your DC spend in the house vs the step-DC?

I'd think a fair split is 60/40 or 70/30 depending on how much time the DC will actually spend with you. His 3 DC will cost a lot more to feed and clothe than your 1 DC.

Original poster
Attilathehunny · 02/04/2018 01:30

He has his kids eow & 1 night a week. I have same arrangement with ex. Yes my daughter will share

OP posts:
Somerville · 02/04/2018 01:40

Is your daughter happy to share? Fair enough you saving money by moving in with him but not if she feels hard done by.

Assuming she is...
One way of looking at it is that he should pay for the extra bedroom/s, so a substantially bigger proportion of the rent.

Another is that he should pay a small amount extra to recognise the fact that his children are accommodated more than yours. (you have 1 child 10 nights a fortnight and he has 3, each for 4 nights a fortnight, so 12 nights in total.)

The other is that you're blending families and should split everything.

You need to decide which feels fairest to you, and talk it through. There are as many different 'right' answers to this as there are individual
blended families I suspect.

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 02:23

Don't move in together. You are not ready. You also haven't really blended your families,his kids,your kid. You haven't fully accepted his kids either,what if he only had one kid? Well he doesn't,he has 3,that's the man he is.

Does your DD even want to share?

Bosabosa · 02/04/2018 02:33

Regardless of blended or not, I would be making sure things are proportionate-so if he earns £60k and you earn £30k, he pays 50% more rent than you. That as a guide, then move into the detail of who has what financial commitments.

However, the biggest worry for me is that you are a saver and he is a spender-sounds like your attitudes around money are v different and you will need to work this out together (how money will be shared and used when living together), before taking that step.

Original poster
Attilathehunny · 02/04/2018 02:53

Daughter over the moon to share. She has always wanted siblings so is very happy with situation. It’s complicated isn’t it!

OP posts:
Bel04 · 02/04/2018 08:02

Well if he has three kids that means himself and the kids make up 4/6 of the house. Can't he pay that amount of rent?

SD1978 · 02/04/2018 08:07

What percentage of care do you both have?

Spottytop1 · 02/04/2018 08:21

We are a blended family but I have more dc than my dp.

We split the rent equally but I pay more towards utility bills etc as my dc are here more & use more than my dp whose dc is here half the time.

swingofthings · 02/04/2018 08:35

I agree that if you are having thoughts of unfairness, you are not ready to move. When couples move in together, it's very common that one will lose out financially but you accept it because you gain in other ways.

What you need to do is count all your income and outgoings, not just your salaries, and then then look at what's left. This amount should be divided by two so that both end up with the same disposable income to do what you want with. You then need to work out who pays what or agree on a joint account and how much each pay into it. This might need to be adjusted if changes occur, ie with child maintenance on either side.

Bel04 · 02/04/2018 08:51

Sorry swinofthethings, but if her partner had three kids and she has one surely he'll need more disposable income to support them

Original poster
Attilathehunny · 02/04/2018 09:04

I do take into account how much I get off my ex and how much he pays his. It’s still a significant difference in income. Surely not everyone has fully shared finances right from the start? We both have divorces behind us so not exactly naive to what can happen. I feel if we split up in a year ( 5 years, 10 years whatever) I wouldnt expect any of his money as won’t have children together. So I guess I’m hoping for the best but prepared for the worse.
At the moment we go halves on everything ie holidays / meals out when it’s just us. When the kids are with us he pays slightly more or more often but we are both very good at keeping an eye on it do neither of us paying more. It’s just with getting rental he expects me to go half’s.

OP posts:
Spottytop1 · 02/04/2018 09:23

We don't have shared finances. We have an account for bills so have an agreed amount that we pay into this account and the bills and food go out of it. We then keep our own accounts for expenses linked to our own children/interests and what is left is our own.

It works well, we also have a joint savings account that we both pay into for holidays etc.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 02/04/2018 09:23

So turn it around and assume he had no children. Would it reasonable of him to say ‘I am not paying more than 50% of the cost of a 1 bed because we wouldn’t need two beds if we didn’t have your child’?

Byebyebye · 02/04/2018 09:28

Personally I think you should take your income after your CM and his income after his CM and pay bills on a percentage split.

This is what me and my partner do - he makes more money then me and I have kids.

You shouldn’t be paying 50/50 if there’s such a difference in earnings.

Candlelights · 02/04/2018 09:48

I'd ask him whether he'd be prepared to pay a bit more, at least in the long run once he's paid off his debts.

You have one child X 5 nights a week. He has 3 X 2 nights, so in terms of bills you're both contributing a similar cost, but if you're allocating part time kids as much space as full time ones then he is requiring more space for his than you are for yours so should pay more rent. Plus he's presumably got more income, even after whatever he pays his ex.

DH and I don't split things equally for the same reasons - he has more DC and earns more.

thirtyplusone · 02/04/2018 09:58

Take you income INC support payments in and out then split the bills and rent proportionally. Very simple. Presumably you’d be with him 1 child or 4. Children aren’t bargaining powers for financial matters. You’re in a partnership.

swingofthings · 02/04/2018 10:38

Sorry swinofthethings, but if her partner had three kids and she has one surely he'll need more disposable income to support them
In my way of doing things, everything that involves 'supporting' the children would go under joint bill.

I do see your point that he would have less disposable income to treat three kids, but it then depends whether they live there FT or only come every other week-ends, and also ages, teenagers are more expensive than younger kids.

I do think that whatever arrangement is agreed, if it is going to bring up resentment, then the relationship is bound to struggle. Money is really important in a relationship, so this needs to be sorted before even considering moving in together.

SD1978 · 02/04/2018 11:08

It’s kinda hard. You have your child at home 10 nights a fortnight, he has three children there 4 nights a fortnight. I’d probably split things evenly, as trying to assign a percentage cost to each child, and then working that out at a overnight cost seems unnecessary. If you have hugely disparate wages and not combining finances, I’d say a similar percentage per adult by not necessarily a similar amount.

Original poster
Attilathehunny · 02/04/2018 11:18

All interesting points! Thanks for everyone’s opinion. Someone said would I expect him to go half’s if he had no kids and actually I don’t think I would!
I am concerned this could cause resentment in the long run. I have enough to get mortgage on a 2 bed apartment in not good area. Not enough to get 3/4 in a good area! He is unwilling to live in a shit area. I’m of the beggars can’t be choosers opinion.
I’ve chosen to compromise as I really want to live with him ( and let’s be honest a 4 bed house in nice area way more fun!) I’ll probably get investment property in the future but not the same as living in your own place.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 02/04/2018 11:26

Someone said would I expect him to go half’s if he had no kids and actually I don’t think I would! 7
You would still experience problems though as for instance, what would happened if he had plenty of money left to go on a nice holiday, but you wouldn't be able to afford to pay your half? Would he go on his own whilst you stay at home counting if you have enough money left in your account to pay for the food that week? Wouldn't that bring up resentment too? If the outcome is that he then pays the holidays for everyone, then it goes back to him paying more than his half. If he is put under pressure not to enjoy his money because it's not fair on you, then the resentment is on his side.

That's why a 50/50 disposable income as a basis is usually what works best.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 11:31

If he were looking at getting a rental with a work colleague or other form of roommate he would not expect to split the rent down the middle because it wouldn't be fair. But it has to be 50/50 on everything with a girlfriend?

Nah.

'At the moment we go halves on everything ie holidays / meals out when it’s just us. When the kids are with us he pays slightly more or more often but we are both very good at keeping an eye on it do neither of us paying more. It’s just with getting rental he expects me to go half’s.'

Slightly more? He's bringing 3 more people.

The reason it feels unfair is because it is.

Don't move in with him.

tralaaa · 02/04/2018 11:38

I think you should keep monies separate - no joint accounts as he could run you up a debt. You have a separate account in which you both pay into 60/40 and keep the remaining monies for your self and children ( you save him clear debts ) as time moves on things will become more organic. When we moved in together he paid the mortgage and council tax and I paid for the utilities and shopping I felt this was fair as wherever we lived he would have those expenses. The children have all left home and we need to re jig things both on the whole we are very fair with each other's costs and spending.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2018 11:38

'I’ve chosen to compromise as I really want to live with him ( and let’s be honest a 4 bed house in nice area way more fun!)'

It's not a good move to compromise yourself financially to move in with a boyfriend. He sounds a bit of a spendthrift, he can afford to be, but expects you to go along with it and pay for half of it.

'I have enough to get mortgage on a 2 bed apartment in not good area.'

So you're putting off a major investment that is of long-term financial gain to yourself and your child to pay rent on what a boyfriend wants? Listen to how that sounds. Not very good.