Splitting rent.. blended families h

[Attilathehunny]

I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Have to stay as dd dad is here + dp exw.
I’m house hunting with partner and struggling with how to split bills. I have 1 child & he has 3. We are therefore looking for a 3/4 bed house & kids will share room / oldest gets their own. At the moment we both rent 2 bed apartments for around 550 / week. We are looking at around 1000 per week and will split the rent in half. So both saving 200 a month. Win win? However I’m starting to feel that’s unfair on me as if he only had 1 child then we could be renting a 2 bed and saving considerably more! He earns a lot more then me ( a LOT more) however give exw child support and I get of my ex. We are not married. Due to my circumstances for last few years I’ve been completely fixated on saving and cut expenses wherever I can. Ergo I have savings despite low income. He however is in debt ( getting out of it since he met me) am I fixating too much on the $$ ? Really interested to know how people feel

Thanks for the input everyone. It’s really helpful to put it into words what I’ve been uneasy about and to hear everyone’s opinions. The comment about if he was moving in with a colleague especially insightful! He is a spendthrift and I struggle with it. My ex was shit with money too and it’s been amazing breaking free from that & having control of my financial situation again. It is great knowing that despite earning less than a third of what he does I’ve saved a deposit on a apartment. ( my hair is shocking though )

If you are feeling slightly resentful about things now ...
It will be a hundred times worse when your actually paying for it and living with it .
Think very hard about this there are 4 -2 in this set up generally the majority rule the roost 😂

'He is a spendthrift and I struggle with it.'

He's a spendthrift except when it comes to being fair with you. Think about that, long and hard. As for foregoing a mortgage, which will give you long-term investment and security, to indulge his fancy for a big rented house, that's not a good move for you.

Have you spoken to him about this? If he already has struggled with debt and can't compromise money vs location he hasn't and won't change how he spends his money.
I helped my ex get out of debt. I refused to have credit cards and after his cards were paid off, asked him to cut up his. Money was an issue in our relationship. And I'm worried it will be in yours.
I understand you feel he should be paying more rent. Maybe sit down and write out everything you're thinking eg how much he earns vs how much you earn, time he has his 3 and how much you have your one.
In the end you do need to look after you.
I personally would buy a 2 bedroom apartment and rent it out if you still do decide to live together. At least then you have an investment for your own future 😊

The comment about if he was moving in with a colleague especially insightful!
But you're not? How many posters on these forums have moved with someone who earn a lot more than them and have less children, yet the expectation is that they contribute towards their children. There is always this lean towards 'mum moves in with dad, mum should protect her money, dad should share it'.

Saying that, I totally agree with your concerns moving in with someone who is spender. I agree that having lived with such a person, I could never have done it again and I'm so grateful that my OH is very good with money, but the two issues are different.

• 'He is a spendthrift and I struggle with it.'

He's a spendthrift except when it comes to being fair with you. Think about that, long and hard. As for foregoing a mortgage, which will give you long-term investment and security, to indulge his fancy for a big rented house, that's not a good move for you.*

This ^ wot @expatinscotland said. This is not a good move for you, before you even consider the complexity of blending families. Of course your daughter loves the idea of having 'sibling' please remember that she has no.idea.at.all of the downsides of sharing with more people.

Don't do it.

So let's say that his three kids decide they don't want contact with him any longer, or they are older and will move on elsewhere before OP's DD, so that there is only DD's child living with him, would posters think he would be reasonable if he said to OP that considering the fact that if it wasn't for OP's kid, they would be able to rent a 1bed flat rather than a 2bed flar, OP should start paying more?

Posters would inevitably respond that he is being selfish, not committed, and a spendthrift and that she should leave him. However, clearly the other way around is absolutely fine!

I think in his head we will end up with joined finances ( as he was with his ex) so while he’s hard up and paying off debts I take up the slack but once the debts paid off he can save for ( his own ? Ours?) investment property.. which in fine in theory but I’m more rational & less keen on vague plans. I feel uncomfortable joining my finances with a man after my ex who ran up massive (business) debts without my knowledge. On the other hand dp is paying off the same amount monthly as I actually earn! So once he is in the clear then he will be very wealthy. I don’t feel that that is my money though so don’t factor it in to my life plans. I think I may be slightly controlling I feel like I have to be though! I’m 40 and renting!

I think you need to separate the joining of finances with the decision of what is fair with whom paying what.

I think it is a highly sensible decision not to join your accounts to start with until you can be fully reassured that he can indeed be responsible for his money. No way would have agreed to a joint account with my OH when we first moved in together (nor he), however, despite me having kids and him not, I would have felt insulted if he'd say that he paid 1/4th of everything whilst it was fair for me to pay 3/4th since the kids were my responsibility and nothing to do with him.

I don't think it's unreasonable that he pays most of his debts from his disposable income if you agree to pay current bills on a 50/50 basis.

' think in his head we will end up with joined finances ( as he was with his ex) so while he’s hard up and paying off debts I take up the slack but once the debts paid off he can save for ( his own ? Ours?) investment property.. which in fine in theory but I’m more rational & less keen on vague plans. I feel uncomfortable joining my finances with a man after my ex who ran up massive (business) debts without my knowledge. On the other hand dp is paying off the same amount monthly as I actually earn! So once he is in the clear then he will be very wealthy. I don’t feel that that is my money though so don’t factor it in to my life plans. I think I may be slightly controlling grin I feel like I have to be though! I’m 40 and renting!'

He's not going to be rid of debt. Why? Because he's a spendthrift. He's still at it - not looking to rent/buy the cheapest he can get away with until the debt's gone but looking to splash out on a 4-bed rental house in a nice area because someone like him can't live in anything else, no, of course not. Cutting back on holidays, going out, etc. until the debt's paid. Again, nope, spending away.

You hitch your star to this guy's wagon and you'll be 50 and renting still, and maybe unable to get a mortgage due to age so if you haven't saved enough to buy outright, you'll be looking at renting in retirement.

And plenty of us have said the same thing to a man in this situation. You pay proportionally when you're not married, don't have blended finances, both have kids, are living together and there is an income and kids discrepancy.

You can't afford to operate on a 'in the future once kids are grown, debt it paid off, he'll be super wealthy' because you are not in the future, you are in the now, and you're not married.

'I've thought things over, and financially moving in together doesn't work for me. Having my own place with a mortgage makes better financial sense for me and DD.'

Or even go see a financial planner.

It seems this arrangement would be more financially beneficial to him. A 60/40 split would be a bit fairer IMO..especially a he earns more and has more left over too.

Doing this doesn't mean you arent ready to move in as had been suggested.

How long have you been together? I don't think you are ready to live with this man yet.

I agree with pp that you should buy a 2 bed property now rather than compromise your future financial security. Don't tie yourself into renting somewhere expensive with a man who has a lot of debt.

This is how me and my partner does it.

We look at all the bills, including anything for our children. That goes into one pot. We then add a bit into joint savings. The reminder is split so we both have the same amount of disposable income. Our debts come from that disposable income. It certainly discourages us to spend more on credit

I’d be tempted to get a bigger flat/house with a bedroom for each and more space. 4 kids take up a lot of room. And ask your DP to pay more. 60/40 or even feels fair, as in effect it is 2 (you) plus 4 (him). For bills, food, trips too. Joint account paid in 60/40 for all these things.

I think he needs to take housing his kids more seriously.

It doesn't sound wise to give up your own financial security (I.e buying a property) to rent with a spendthrift who, despite having a very good income, is in so much debt he's paying off a salary's worth of repayments each month.

Don't do it OP!

Thanks everyone! It’s great having sensible people to run this by. I live away from the uk so don’t have many chances to discuss it with old friends/ family. Possibly why I am so keen to make a family home as all my family are so far away! I’m seeing DP tonight so will make list of things we need to discuss. It’s hard as we both work full time & no space for extra kids in respective houses so we can only see each other once or twice a week. Again why we are probably rushing into this. It’s been a year and a half for those that asked.

You have a family to make a home with, your daughter. You don't need a man and his kids to have a family home. 1.5 years is early days, and seeing each other 1-2 week + hols sounds pretty standard in a relatively new relationship where you both have kids.

He's a spendthrift. That's a big problem, especially if you have a history of relationships with spendthrifts.

Again, re-read what you say, he's spending the equivalent of your monthly salary on debt and he's still going out, going on holidays, wanting to rent an expensive 4-bed house in a nice area. When you were debt, I'll wager you cut everything back to the bone until that debt was gone.

OP I would strongly advise you to listen to what expatinscotland says, she always has great no-nonsense advise when it comes to financially CFs.

As to the one bed house comparison if your DD was the only child in the equation, I personally don't think it's comparable. Hardly any couples without DC would actively choose to live in a one bed place because the general layout of one bed properties tend to be too "cosy" compared with a two bed place even if that second bedroom is taken up by a DC.

I had joint finances with my ex. It just kind of made sense to do so especially once we had kids. But DH and I have always known exactly what money is who's. I think you need to do that when you have separate children tbh, especially if there's money being paid out to exes, or put aside for children's futures. I don't think it would work, for us at least, to just share everything. And harder still if you have very different attitudes to money.

What does work for us is to have one joint account that we both pay into and all the household bill (including food shops) come out of. We pay slightly different amounts into it, because of DH earning more than me (and having more DC). We then both have what we have left as our own money which allows us to make independent decisions on things, including giving any money to our kids. I don't think you need to be willing to share everything in one big pot in order to live together. You just need to be able to talk about it and find a system that works for you, gets the bills paid, feels fair, and gives you both enough autonomy over the money you've earned.