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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

what do you say when people ask 'is she/he yours'?

43 replies

laloup1 · 25/02/2018 14:03

Hi,
Just wondering how people refer to their partner's children when asked? Sometimes I get 'is she yours?' when I am together with my partner's daughter. I hate this question as it makes it sound like children are possessions. And I haven't formulated a really comfortable response - I certainly don't want to say 'no, she's not'. Her dad and I are not married so I don't like to say 'my stepchild'
Any ideas - how do you respond?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HonkyWonkWoman · 25/02/2018 14:05

Just say yes! She's our little angel.

TheQueenOfWands · 25/02/2018 14:06

Whisper, "who?" and pretend you can't see a child anywhere.

PhelanThePain · 25/02/2018 14:07

Who asks you if the child you’re with is yours?

I’ve never been asked if my children are mine.

Original poster

laloup1 · 25/02/2018 14:11

phelan - I get it. Maybe its because we look very different
queen - Like it!
honky - I think I am terrified that somehow her mum will find out that I am claiming her daughter.
I also thought of saying she is very definitely with me with a steady stare at the asker, daring them to ask again.

OP posts:

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 25/02/2018 14:11

Is it that people ask if the DSC are yours outright? If more like when someone behind a till or whatever refers to you as 'Mum?'

I've never been asked if my DSC are mine, but most people seeing us out and about would assume that they are my bio children so people have said 'best ask your Mum if it's ok to have the sweets now' I don't correct them, neither do my DSC.

PhelanThePain · 25/02/2018 14:13

In which case you just say she is your partner’s daughter.

Aroundtheworldandback · 25/02/2018 14:17

Yes I don’t understand the issue- just say she’s your partner’s daughter, which she is

Mummyontherun86 · 25/02/2018 14:20

Say something loving and effusive and true. E.g she’s my partners daughter and I adore her! She’s beautiful isn’t she?
Your step daughter will be listening and will notice what you say.
My step mum said pretty much this and honestly how she spoke about me in public was the start of me loving and caring for her as a family member because she showed me she cared for me.

Original poster

laloup1 · 25/02/2018 14:24

So, as far as I can see - to a three year old, everything and everyone in the world is 'my' something. My granny, my sister, my aunt, my mum etc ... I have noticed once or twice that she hesitates when introducing me - saying this is my, err, err, and then she says my name, lost for a better word.
I don't want to offend her 'my' world by emphasising with her earshot that we are one step removed. Even if it is true.
Obviously, when it matters for whatever reason, I am clear about who is who.

OP posts:

Original poster

laloup1 · 25/02/2018 14:38

mummy - I love the idea of reinforcing with saying nice things. Thank you

OP posts:

swingofthings · 25/02/2018 14:40

Don't understand the issue either. What's wrong with it's my partner's DD?

Just to say that as a kid, stranger often commented when I was out with my dad, SM and SS how SS looked just like my dad and I looked just like my SM, assuming they were our parents and I hated it, even more that they never felt the need to say it as it was. It seems stupid but it really upset me.

sanesera · 25/02/2018 14:43

SisterMortificado · 25/02/2018 14:49

DP often refers to DD as 'his,' even though there's no bio-relation. He's been around since she was 2 and she's 6 now. If it comes up, he'll clarify and, like with a PP, always say something like 'she's my champion girl, makes the best lego towers/gives great hugs/etc.'

If DD is asked to introduce him now, she says "this is my Tom, he's my stepdad." She also explains step-parents as 'like real parents except they come after you're born.'

Her step-mum also says DD is 'hers,' and I honestly don't mind. SMum is lovely and plays a big part in DD's life, and at this stage DD seems to think that children without step-parents are a bit deprived- lots of presents, hugs, more pets etc.

Eilasor · 25/02/2018 15:12

DH and I refer to all of the children as 'ours' and we will clarify if needed for any reason.

None of our children look like us though, particularly as they're all mixed race (and DH and I are both pale as anything and blonde) and we both have baby faces and school age dc, so we're asked more frequently than most of the children are 'ours' or 'mine/his' etc.

I agree with pps about clarifying at first but backing it up with positives and compliments to reinforce a good relationship.

Pointlessfacts · 25/02/2018 15:16

I'd simply say yes.

I don't correct people

user1493413286 · 25/02/2018 15:31

Do you get people asking a lot? If people assume then I don’t correct them but if hey ask I say she’s maybe step daughter; in part because if she mentioned it to her Mum then I think her Mum would be upset by it.

ArnoldBee · 25/02/2018 15:42

I always find it amusing when people say my step-daughter looks like me - we just have a little giggle.
I have always said that I have 3 children but for quickness she's either my princess or step daughter dependent on the context.
It was her decision to start calling me her step-mum to others.

Eddie1940 · 25/02/2018 16:30

Mummyontherun86 - this is lovely I wish someone had suggested this to me . I did get asked a lot and found it tricky - I asked dsd what they would like me to reply - one said just say yes as did nt want everyone to know set up . I felt very sensitive to mums feelings but I think more than anyone else did .

LittleMe03 · 25/02/2018 16:39

When my DSS was younger I was only once asked if 'he was mine' and that was from an old friend I hadn't seen in years I just replied 'he is my partners little boy' several times in shops members of staff etc would refer to me as mummy and my DSS never corrected them and neither did I.

He is 12 now and only once have I heard someone say to him 'is that your mum?' Which I think was a friend from his football practice and he replied, 'nah... well, it's my step mum'

LittleMe03 · 25/02/2018 16:42

I was once told thou by a stranger 'oh your little boy has gorgeous eyes just like his mummy' (meaning me) I just smiled and said 'yes he is gorgeous' he was only 3 at the time so didn't think much of it

Anatidae · 25/02/2018 16:44

How about, ‘I wish!’

In Sweden they’re called ‘bonus kids’ which I think is much more positive.

StringandGlitter · 25/02/2018 16:46

How about “Why do you ask?”

Make them justify the question!

Original poster

laloup1 · 25/02/2018 18:07

Swing - I imagine that things said innocently or poorly thought through can stir up strong emotions in a child’s head (that might not be obvious to me).This is why I want to have a considered answer.
But there’s been some super ideas here for how to reply and I’ll work out a standard response or two.
Thanks everyone. Much appreciated 🙏

OP posts:

Bigpizzalover · 25/02/2018 18:13

I have a child from a previous relationship and me and DP have one together, we each say, we have 2 children if asked about number of kids, then if asked further we just explain we have one together and we have one we raise together.

DS (prev relationship) calls DP ‘my insert name’ - his explanation of him is he’s like a daddy but he’s not x

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 25/02/2018 18:15

I’d always say they are my step kids. My sons SM was mistaken for his mum once, and went along with it. DS found it embarrassing.

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