what do you say when people ask 'is she/he yours'?

[laloup1]

Hi,
Just wondering how people refer to their partner's children when asked? Sometimes I get 'is she yours?' when I am together with my partner's daughter. I hate this question as it makes it sound like children are possessions. And I haven't formulated a really comfortable response - I certainly don't want to say 'no, she's not'. Her dad and I are not married so I don't like to say 'my stepchild'
Any ideas - how do you respond?

I was 13 when dsd was born... I get embarrassed when people assume she's mine but she quickly corrects them and says I'm her step mum. She doesn't care.

I'm quite surprised people are saying they'd lie and say a step child is theirs when asked directly Unless you've adopted DSD then she's not "yours" in the sense of what people are asking - she's your step daughter. Either say - "not exactly, she's my step daughter" or say " No, she's my DP's daughter" There's no reason to be embarrassed about her being a step daughter

I think it's a bit different when people just assume it's your child - I wouldn't always bother correcting them if they weren't people I'd likely see again.

DH and I get quite a bit of "are they all yours?" when we have all the kids just because it makes us such a large family. We always say that they are collectively but that some of them are each of ours. I'd be quite uncomfortable lying and answering directly that a step child was "mine" and I'd have thought that could be uncomfortable for the child too when they're old enough to understand. If you really do look very different from DSC (eg different ethnicity) then you're also going to rather confuse the person asking you.

I think this is very situation dependent and also families evolve. If your DSD looks uncomfortable, ask her what she would like you to say.

In the early years, DH always referred to himself as DS1’s Step father out of respect of DS1’s bio dad who was reasonably involved and saw him twice a week (until the age of 4 when he moved 200 miles away). When DS1 was 3 and we had DS2, DS1 was upset DH was his daddy too and we did lots of reassuring and explaining that being step-dad didn’t mean he was loved any differently etc and that he had his own dad. In hindsight, this may have wronged DS1 and we didn’t let him say ‘dad’ but we thought it was right at the time. At 6 we noticed DS1 telling kids on holiday DH was his dad and let DS1 run with that but DH still clarified he was step-dad to anyone who wasn’t just a passing acquaintance as he didn’t feel it fair to falsely claim DS1 as his own. Over the years, DS1’s bio dad has diminished his effort and contact steadily and DS1 has made it very clear he wants to be the same as his two younger brothers so now at nearly 13, he has his own name for DH but he refers to him as just his dad and DH refers to him as his son. DS1’s feelings are obviously a lot more important to us than his bio dad’s and DH has raised DS1 for over a decade-wiped up his sick and diarrhoea, driven him to a thousand activities, sat with him doing homework, camped with him, last minute shopped for ingredients for DS1’s food tech he only just told us about for the next day, refereed a thousand sibling arguments, explained the facts of life and political ideas......it is DH and DS1’s relationship and they both choose to define it as a paternal one now.
God, that was long! She is 3 and thing may change, but perhaps you can choose with her what she would like you to say so she doesn’t feel denied nor falsely claimed!

I think you are overthinking this and worrying about something that you don't need to. There is nothing wrong with saying that she is your partners child. It doesn't change what she means to you.
If you are evasive or too clever about you answers it might be seen as though you think there is something wrong with the makeup of your family. I'd embrace the situation for what it is.

My kids don't look like me at all and they also have a different accent to me so I occasionally had quizzical looks when they were younger, especially as I travelled overseas a lot with them without their Dad. I'd joke with them that if they were naughty I'd pretend to be their nanny.

How different do you look? Are you a different race?

People assume my SIL (stepmum to niece and nephews) is their mum.

She doesn't say anything... but they don't call her mum ...they call her Auntie [her name].

Don't worry about it too much. If someone asks directly, I would go with the "she's my partner's daughter "and something positive or she's my insert affectionate pet name.
It may change depending on age and circumstances. I remember one of DSD's friends saying "your Emeralda is really nice". I've put down on activities consent forms as Dad's girlfriend and I'm fine with that.
When my brother was an adult, someone said to him that he looked like his mother, meaning my DSM who was in the same room. His response was "oh, have you met her?". There's no one answer. I refer to "our kids".

Say 'you can see her/him too' then back away very slowly giving crazy eyes.

I really don't see why introducing a child as your step child (or DP's son/daughter) is such a negative thing that people feel they need to "add something nice" to compensate

Obviously it's trickier if you're in a situation like bythebeach described above and really are the child's parent to all intents and purposes. But if, like the OP, you're clearly not their mum (the OP doesn't even live with her DP yet) why would you need to compensate? If someone asks if my niece is mine I say "No, she's my niece" If they ask whether DSS is mine "No, he's my stepson (or if was the OP, more likely "no, she's my partner's daughter") Simple

It's not a bad thing to have a stepchild.

The reason I wouldn’t use the word “no” in relation to the question “is she yours?” Is that it implies a sense of rejection. That’s why I wouldn’t suggest lying but I just not give a yes/no answer. If you have a young step child then you want them to feel belonging with you, even if you aren’t their mum or dad.

Thanks everyone
I don’t want or intend to pass her off as my daughter! I just, as mummy says, don’t want to use the word ‘no’ like I’m denying her in front of her. It’s easy when the other person has a reason to know as then I can explain about mum, dad and where I fit in. It’s the more casual encounters I’m trying to make more smooth.
Beach - i didn’t think of that but tbh I think she’s still a little young to chat about it. I’ll feel my way a little bit more on my own before we get about it. (She has other heavy stuff on her mind that we sometimes need to talk through)
Candlelights - i don’t think it’s a bad thing to be a step parent! I’m just being sensitive about presenting myself as her dad’s girlfriend makes me one step removed from a little girl who likes everything and everyone to be ‘my ...’
Clary - she would love that!! I promise to try it when the time is right.

I just, as mummy says, don’t want to use the word ‘no’ like I’m denying her in front of her.

I don’t understand why you would find it so hard to not say no. Sure
Y you just say she is X's daughter. I think you are making it very complicated. You run the risk of making everyone feel awkward.

Quaza
Thanks to the advice offered here I have done good ideas for how to lovingly explain the connection we have without using the words stepmum or no.
I don’t feel the need to further explain on here my reluctance to use the word no.

@SisterMortificado that is lovely, your child is very lucky.

My partner and I was out with his 2 children. His daughter and I was at the till and the lady said something like your mum. His daughter jumped up before I even had chance to draw breath and shouted she's not my mum. (Her mum wasn't happy about be being on the scene). So after that it always made me feel arkward. (The fact I do know her mum flip is I said yes).

I'm always stood my my partner now she he can correct them or say what he pleases. I feel his children wouldnt mind if his dad said it.

My OH is a step parent to my three kids and we have one together. If people ask when we're out together we just say he is their dad. No point explaining to strangers and he sees them as his anyway.

Between my DH and I, we have 3 DCs. A son each from previous relationships and daughter together. The boys are the same age (birthdays within weeks of each other). Lots of times I've been asked how old they are and when I answer I'm always asked "are they twins?" I hate having to explain our situation to virtual strangers.

My dp’s ds and I tell people I ‘share him with daddy’ and if people call me his mum we just say “Grimm, not mum”. But if we are all out together he just refers to us as his parents.

I've used "Yeah, sort of" before by accident! It wasn't really what I meant to say but DSD was mid teens and we were close enough for her to laugh. She doesn't look like me but she looks just like DD who is mine, so I think we probably got asked less as they are clearly sisters.

The kids at DSDs school always ask who I am. I always just reply I'm DSDs stepmum. It's always hilarious watching the reaction. One little boy very sadly told me he doesn't have a stepmum. And a little girl today looked at me as though I was speaking a foreign language.