Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Love my dsd to bits but don't know what to do

31 replies

moolady1977 · 22/01/2018 18:44

I've been with my dp for 8 months and moved in after 3 months I have 3 dc and he has 2 dc the youngest of his has just turned 13 I treat her no different to my dc and anything they have she has, we have her every other weekend and 3 days a week when we have her in the week it's always teatime we pick her up at her mums insistence and she is always really hungry same at the weekends, this isn't a problem she is always well fed with us my problem is that she is going back to her mum and telling her what is happening in our house what post we have and we have caught her snooping at post we moved out of the way I'm just wondering how to stop this or do I just hope she grows out of it as she is a really lovely girl in every way it's just the running back telling tales to her mum and then being rewarded for it

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NorthernSpirit · 22/01/2018 19:11

If your SM is like mine, the mother could be pumping her for information on her return (my OH and I referer to it as the mother applying her Quantamino Bay technique).

Remember the child is innocent and is probably being asked information on her return. Keep your powered dry. Don’t say anything controversial. Don’t leave sesnsitive info out. If your DSD is snooping your OH needs to set the boundaries with her.

My DSD 12 recently kept asking me what I earned. Maybe out of interest, maybe because she’d been primed by mum. I twisted the question and told her I had a good job and earned what I do because I had worked hard at school.

You can’t control what goes on at the mothers house, you can only control what goes on in your time.

lifeandtheuniverse · 22/01/2018 20:16

You have been on the scene for 5 months.

Mum maybe pumping for information, she may not - you have not got a clue, so stop blaming her. You have not got a clue what DSD is actually telling her Mum

What is the rule that says a DSC can not discuss speak about their time with their other parent -this is petty and unrealistic.

I made a point about not asking mine what happened - just did you have a nice time. By 48hrs I had been told what they ate, who argued , who slept where etc etc. Kids talk. Asking a child not to talk about half of their life is unrealistic.

I know my DSCs told their mother how much they think I earn - they were way out!!!

Finally - stop nitpicking, she is 13 and hungry. Stop trying to imply, she does not get enough to eat at her mothers.

Knittedfairies · 22/01/2018 20:19

How do you know she is being rewarded for 'telling tales' to her mum?

DontDIY · 22/01/2018 20:49

You and your 3 kids moved in with her dad after 3 months of dating? Maybe she’s looking for clues as to what the hell is going on in her life.

lunar1 · 22/01/2018 21:51

I'd want a lot more information about a random and their kids that had been moved into my child's other home.

MoseShrute · 22/01/2018 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maybe83 · 22/01/2018 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatriciaHolm · 22/01/2018 22:03

Teenagers can be perpetually hungry.

She's unsettled because her dad has moved in with a complete stranger and wants her to be part of a brand new family with kids she doesn't know let alone love. What the hell were you both thinking?

Elocutioner · 22/01/2018 22:09

What they said. I'm trying to get past the 8 months thing but to be honest I'm wondering what the hell you were thinking.

Mum is probably worried, or at the very least nosey. Don't leave out anything sensitive.

This could be the least of your worries to be honest, the kids must all be feeling pretty unsure

Original poster

moolady1977 · 22/01/2018 23:01

Me and my dp had known each other and been friends for over a year before we got together. We discussed moving in together with all of the kids and none of them brought up any objections, my youngest 2 dc live with their father and our oldest dc live with partners. My dsd being hungry isn't a problem we make sure she is fed and not hungry when she leaves. Being rewarded yes I'm sure it's happening she has as near as dammit told me that. Her mother needs to know nothing about me or my dc she is in her fathers care and he doesn't question her about her mothers private life or the bloke she moved into the house 2 days after she kicked my dp out. I did just wonder whether to ignore what she was doing with the telling tales or get her dad to say something about it which is what I asked about, I don't and didn't expect it to be a fairytale as I too had step parents on both sides and no how difficult adjusting can be

OP posts:

swingofthings · 23/01/2018 06:57

How do you know what she tells and what she doesn't tell her mum and how do you know that it's her mum asking her to do it.

I think it's very important to ask children about their lives when they are at the other parent, it shows that as a parent, you appreciate that their life, feelings, emotions, experience etc... don't stop when the leave the front door.

There must be more to the story as the only example you've given is that of post, so it sounds like you received something that you don't want her mum to know about. What was it, appointment with the midwife, debt collection, brochure about a holiday to Australia?

Winteriscoming18 · 23/01/2018 10:15

My is constantly Hungary there’s no filling him at the moment and he’s 9. Yesterday he polished off a decent size of lasagna and chips then had two slices of toast afterwards and wanting sweets. He’s very slim not an ounce of fat on him. Kids are growing at that age so they often feel Hungary kids often eat when they are bored aswell. I agree it’s not very long for dc to know each other before moving in. Sounds like a lot of changes for all of them.

Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 11:31

You seem very angry at her Mum, do not let your step daughter pick up on this.

I'd ignore what she doing and just spend more time with her to allow her to feel like she doesn't need to snoop or pry.

Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 11:33

I forgot to add, the fact that you don't have residency of your children might have the Mum worried.

Original poster

moolady1977 · 23/01/2018 12:30

The only reason my children don't live with me is because I moved from the area they lived in because of my job and they stayed with their dad as all their friends are there

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 23/01/2018 12:49

But does the Mum know that? She might be worrying why.

People forget that the Dad can just be the best option for many many reasons. There doesn't have to be neglect or abuse. Maybe having a talk to her Mum would help settle things?

XmasInTintagel · 23/01/2018 13:00

Is there information that she may find that is sensitive in so.e way? I know its odd for her to look through the post, but if its doing no harm I'd ignore it really. If its really he mum asking she'll likely get bored if there's nothing exciting reported. I can't work out what she would find out that matters.

It could also be that the girl just doesn't feel like she is fully part of the household, and is being nosey to find out what else is going on that she is missing when she isn't there.
Try hard to rise above this and just behave fairly and lovingly to this girl, regardless of what her mum does or says -even if you can't stand the woman, no good will come of your DSD suspecting that, she loves her mum, and will always be closer to her.

Original poster

moolady1977 · 23/01/2018 13:09

Anything that is personal or not for little eyes is put away so the kids don't see it but when her mum is asking about hospital appointments and wanting to know why money had gone into an account then its really annoying because they are put away for a reason, I'm always fair with my dsd and treat her the same as I do the others

OP posts:

XmasInTintagel · 23/01/2018 13:27

Then for now I'd put those papers somewhere she really can't get access to (locked cupboard, or briefcase. I just think its not something you want to be bringing up as an issue at this stage. It could get back to her mum as 'DSM told me off for looking at things, I don't know what I did wrong, they don't want me there...', 13 yo's can be drama queens! You don't want to end up looking like the bad guy and having to plead how you like the girl and won't tell her off, when your DP is worried his DD isn't going to be coming any more.

blockchainlogic · 23/01/2018 13:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blockchainlogic · 23/01/2018 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Biglettuce · 23/01/2018 17:48

Let it go. Anything personal don’t leave out. It’ll die down and not your DSDs fault if her mother asks for info.

Original poster

moolady1977 · 23/01/2018 21:39

All personal stuff is put away in the drawer next to my bed which is how I know she is looking for stuff see the thing is I really do see she is being put in an awkward position and it's wrong of her mum to do it. My dp is gonna speak to her tomorrow night when we have her and just explain that if her mum asks her anything to just say "dad says talk to him". I don't want to do any telling off of my dsd it's not my job I just want her to feel comfortable and at home when she is with us which is why I treat her and her older sister the same as I treat my dc

OP posts:

XmasInTintagel · 23/01/2018 22:10

All the advice has been to put the stuff you don't want her to read away where she really can't get to it, and not to raise it as an issue with the DSD. Seems like you aren't going to take any notice of that though!.. I hope your approach works out without problems OP.

MaisyPops · 23/01/2018 22:15

I forgot to add, the fact that you don't have residency of your children might have the Mum worried
Only if she is the sort of person to hold the view that mothers are obviously better parents than fathers (you know standard mumsnet crap about how it's fine for dads to go EOW but as a mother thry couldn't stand for it because they are a MOTHER).
And if she honestly believes she can make judgement about someone's competency as a step parent based on a decision made between two adults regarding their children then I'm afraid she needs to get out more and realise that it is perfecrly possible for dads to be the resident parent (though as shown on the CMS thread when the child moved to dad, lots of people think rules differ whrn the dad is the RP)

Flip

1 2