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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step child's mother won't let him have photos?!

48 replies

Aeriefairy · 08/09/2017 23:05

Hiya,
Last time my stepson was with us I had printed off some photos (we had taken him to a theme park) and had made about 5 copies for him of him on rides thinking he might like to take them home with him. He actually asked if he could take more and he went through them and chose quite a few including 4 of me and him together. The rest were either of him, our pets or him and his dad.
He's come to us now and said his mum won't let him have them! Am I wrong to say she's being absolutely ridiculous? He chose the photos and he asked to take them with him, so now we are going to remove the 4 photos which feature me and stepson and try again. Maybe she has personal issue with her and my partners son having nice photos of his life with his dad? But they're for him, not her! Am I completely wrong?? If my parents had separated when I was young I'd have wanted photos of me and my dad at my mums house, for me to look at in my room Hmm

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 08/09/2017 23:08

Nah she's being a dick. Probably jealous that you're close to him but he's his own person and its all the better if he likes you.

Boatmistress17 · 08/09/2017 23:08

Sounds like my ex. Ten years on and he can't handle the dc have a life without him. .
Ds 13 +15 are nc with him these days after years of spiteful behaviour aimed at me. .
Make an album for him to keep at your house.

Original poster
Aeriefairy · 08/09/2017 23:43

It's crazy, does she not think about the message she's giving to him?! Not allowed photos of dad/paternal grandparents/pets etc because mum doesn't want them there... we have loads of photos round the house here already he just wanted to have some at his mums house where he lives most of the time Sad

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Bananasinpyjamas11 · 09/09/2017 00:42

I had this too, DSDs never took their birthday cards or photos home. They all stayed at our house. It wasn't conscious I don't think, but they knew enough to know that their mother thought I didn't exist in their lives.

You can't push it, kids are pretty sensitive to loyalties.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2017 00:46

I can understand the pics with you in, but not the others.

Original poster
Aeriefairy · 09/09/2017 01:12

I kind of understand it, except that she left my now-partner for another man so why get so pissy that he found someone else years later! She can't have honestly expected it not to happen. it was just 4 photos of me with stepson and he chose them.. they're his photos, it's not as if they're going to be hung up in her living room. He's quite disappointed as he loves photos and was quite excited about as we bought him a cute little album for them. At the end of the day he's got a step dad and a step mum, it's a shame she can't put aside her personal feelings and accept he has a wider family and not just on her side. I bought him a retro gameboy as he has an interest in my old tech, there's been no issues with him taking that home!! We don't ever tell him what to do, with regards to his possessions, we let him decide for himself what stays at dad's and what goes back with him if he wants to take something!

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Proudmummytodc2 · 09/09/2017 01:38

It sounds like she is jealous of you,that is a really horrible message to give to her son. She choose to leave, she choose to move on with someone else so she needs to accept that he now has another side of the family now.

Ridiculous behaviour from her, your poor stepson. How old is he? I'm just wondering if he's old enough to know it's nothing right to do with you ect so he doesn't start feeling awkward around you?

Original poster
Aeriefairy · 09/09/2017 07:13

He's seven, nearly eight.. but very switched on about things! He asks his dad how long he is supposed to be with him, and said he wants to know because his mum gets angry at his dad Sad I think he's very aware of his mums angry feelings towards us. I've not had kids myself yet so have become a stepmum without the benefit of that experience but I like to think I would know better than to behave the way she's doing. I could sympathise if my partner had left her for me/someone else and she felt wronged but it still wouldn't make it right Hmm

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swingofthings · 09/09/2017 07:23

This is the worse situation for a kid with separated parents to be led to feel that because their parents life has separated so should theirs. They don't have two lives they have one and they should feel that they can talk and reflect on all aspect of it with all the people they love.

It sounds like she has her own issues maybe she can't afford to take him to such fun events with him and that hurts her but she should grind her teeth for the benefit of her son.

heidiwine · 09/09/2017 07:26

In the early days I had a horrible experience with photos when my DSD took a photo of me and her home and it came back drawn all over with a sharpie (in an adults hand). Pretty grim.
I would say don't make a big deal about it. It's great that your DSS feels able to tell you and you don't want him to stop sharing what goes on at his mums with you. My DSDs don't tell us anything at all. It's desperately sad.

Original poster
Aeriefairy · 09/09/2017 07:41

swingofthings the funny thing is we paid for the tickets using my clubcard vouchers, they were free Wink we've noticed whenever he's asked about his life with mum (not that we grill him just might ask what he had for lunch so we can give him something different for dinner, or if he did anything nice etc) he can't remember..this kid has an amazing memory so we believe he's being told not to say anything Sad we aren't actually interested but just don't want him to keep his life compartmentalised.
heidiwine that would be hilarious if it wasn't so vile, So childish! Sort of thing I can imagine being in a sitcom but not what you expect in real life!

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swingofthings · 09/09/2017 08:10

Don't make such assumptions thatcwill lead you to believe things that are not real. Most parents will tell you that that's the response 80% of kids give when they are asked how their day at school was yet I don't think teachers tell them to to tell their parents anything!

'I can't remember' means 'I can't be bothered to think' at that age!

Original poster
Aeriefairy · 09/09/2017 08:25

The reason I believe this is that he remembers everything he does with us, even things we can't remember and describes absolutely everything else (what happened at school, friends parties) with astounding detail. He can recall film scripts word for word! His lack of recall only surrounds anything to do with what he's done with his mum Confused

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Blackcatonthesofa · 09/09/2017 08:32

Can you start your own website and put all the photo's on there?. That way he can see the photo's occasionally when he is on the internet. You might want to hint that he shouldn't let his mum know.

Boatmistress17 · 09/09/2017 08:36

My ds once told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved them such was his venom towards me in front of them. They are nc with him now and he wonders why. .
What goes around really does come around.
He also told them I was a prostitute to try and keep them from seeing me.

Mombie2016 · 09/09/2017 08:44

Awful. ExDP and I have been split up for 6 years. Our DDs have a wall of photos in their bedroom. They include old ones of us as a family, me and him before we had the DC, new ones of him and them, of me and them, of their paternal family. Why wouldn't they?!

My mother was beyond spiteful and vile towards me Dad. Which took some nerve considering he caught her and his brother at it for a second time and that's why he left. Didn't know that till just recently though. She told us he'd met someone else and wanted to be her husband and father to her kids instead Shock

Original poster
Aeriefairy · 09/09/2017 08:53

blackcatonthesofa maybe when he's older or maybe we'll load some onto his tablet for him, I don't want to encourage him to keep secrets from his mum, if he decides not to tell her that's up to him but we're keen not to further cause him to feel he has to keep stuff separate. He made a toy for the hamster he has here and told us he had smuggled it into school with him so his mum and stepdad wouldn't know..bless him. Shame he feels he has to hide things at all though.

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Original poster
Aeriefairy · 09/09/2017 08:59

Boatmistress17 that's appalling Shock kids make up their own minds as they get older!
Mombie2016 why wouldn't they, exactly! It's the child's room and the childs life which includes both his mums family and his dad's family. He loves viewing and taking photos and has two cameras of his own here as well has using our phones and his tablet to take snaps.

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Original poster
Aeriefairy · 10/09/2017 19:14

Removed the 4 photos featuring me and stepson, gave him his photos to take back, crazy mother has posted all the photos of stepson and his dad back and only kept the ones of stepson... what the hell!

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SandyY2K · 12/09/2017 00:08

She's crazy. Your stepson will decide for himself in the end. Just carry on creating the lovely atmosphere for him that you do.

It's pointless trying to figure her out.

SweetLuck · 12/09/2017 01:13

I think the mother has handled this badly, but I can understand why you wouldn't want photographs showing your ex partner or their current partner in your house.

Original poster
Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 08:02

Sweetluck no one wants photos of their ex around but this little boy picked out the photos himself and asked if me and his dad if he could take them home with him, she's been told they were provided at his request, she doesn't have to look at them! They're for him to have in his little photo album and look at in his room Sad makes me worry for the future, will she go through all his personal possessions and filter what she isn't happy with? We know now she's told stepson she doesn't think it's appropriate that he has photos of his dad at home and he told us she was very angry Sad

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newjobblewobble · 12/09/2017 10:22

This is really sad.

I've just done up my 12yo bedroom and one of the first things he put back out was a photo of him and his dad, in pride of place on his drawers. His dad only lives 5 doors up! None of his SM, but I'd have no objection whatsoever. I'm not friends with either of them on Facebook, but I have seen photos on there (through tagging) of my DS with SM and it makes me smile to see that he is happy when with her and vice versa!

Frequency · 12/09/2017 10:29

How is she financially compared to you? As in could she take him to theme parks?

I'm not excusing her behaviour, it's wrong but if it's a case of she's struggling just to feed him and keep the heat on while you're swanning off to Alton Towers each time you have him, I kind of understand.

My ex-H takes the DC places I could never afford and it physically hurts me. I hate it. I do my best not to let the children know my feelings but it's hard, especially when I know if he actually paid half the cost of raising them (not just maintenance but the true cost of raising them) I could afford to do nice things with them too.

It's still wrong of her, whatever the reason.

pinkbraces · 12/09/2017 10:35

For those posters saying you understand why his mum wouldn't want the pictures in the house, can you explain?
This makes me so fucking angry - this is not the best interest if the child. It's a pretty crap parent who makes their DC feel they can't have family pictures. Shame on them.

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