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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step child's mother won't let him have photos?!

48 replies

Aeriefairy · 08/09/2017 23:05

Hiya,
Last time my stepson was with us I had printed off some photos (we had taken him to a theme park) and had made about 5 copies for him of him on rides thinking he might like to take them home with him. He actually asked if he could take more and he went through them and chose quite a few including 4 of me and him together. The rest were either of him, our pets or him and his dad.
He's come to us now and said his mum won't let him have them! Am I wrong to say she's being absolutely ridiculous? He chose the photos and he asked to take them with him, so now we are going to remove the 4 photos which feature me and stepson and try again. Maybe she has personal issue with her and my partners son having nice photos of his life with his dad? But they're for him, not her! Am I completely wrong?? If my parents had separated when I was young I'd have wanted photos of me and my dad at my mums house, for me to look at in my room

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Frequency · 12/09/2017 10:40

In my case, it's not that I don't want them to have pictures of their Dad at home, it's that I don't want the constant reminder that he's the one they go off and have fun with and I'm the one who wants to cry every time they tell me they need X, Y or Z.

As it is, I do let them have the pictures. I don't like looking at them but I'd never let on to them that's how I feel.

It's nor fair that I provide 85% of all the basics and basically keep them alive, clean and clothed and he's the one who gets to go to circus with them [stamps foot in petulant manner]

pinkbraces · 12/09/2017 10:42

It's not fair that so many NRP do the fun stuff and not the grind, I agree with that.

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 10:44

Frequency- if you look further up the page you'll see I have mentioned the tickets were paid for by my clubcard vouchers. The mum has just bought a brand new car and me and my partner have old used cars (we love our cars and are extremely grateful to have them as they get us from a to b but just drawing comparison) and we are extremely careful with money. We have gone without heating most of this year and have just ordered oil for the first time since December. Partner lives in former marital home since she left to live in her new mans house and after me and partner had been together a while I moved in to help financially, taking on half of everything (he pays the mortgage alone since she left) and to help sell the place as it's on the market. Places we take stepson are either local, free entry or paid for using vouchers codes etc! So it's actually the other way round.

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Original poster

Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 11:16

Stepson also has a wardrobe full of clothes here, his own room full of toys, food he likes (fussy eater) exactly as if he would if he was living with us or any child parter and I would have. We also ask him to help out by making his bed, keeping his room tidy and clearing after himself as we would any child living with us!

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Original poster

Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 11:21

I completely appreciate what you're saying about the NRP appearing to do all the "fun stuff" but please understand in this situation my partner would give anything to be having day to day care of his little one, it was not his choice for the sons life to be this way, the mother tried her hardest to stop son having his dad in his life at all. I realise there are loads of parents who aren't interested and just take the kid somewhere special every weekend but my partner would love 50/50 care and have a chance to do normal stuff like school runs.

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Original poster

Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 11:28

The trip to theme park was a special treat this summer as I had enough vouchers saved up and he had been saying for weeks he wanted to go

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TheRealBiscuitAddict · 12/09/2017 11:30

No it is absolutely not understandable that anyone wouldn't want pictures of their ex and his/her new partner in their house., and neither should this viewpoint ever be upheld.

The child has a family who include the ex partner, and if he/she has moved on then that might also include new partners, siblings etc.

They are the child's family, not her's. And one of the results of ending a relationship with someone is that you will most likely both move on at some point and have new partners, possibly step and half siblings, and the child will have a different family setup as a result. The more these divisions are created the more confusion it causes for the child, and feelings of guilt that they be allowed to like new partners and siblings etc.

I would get him an album for when he's at yours, and if he wants pictures in there let him put them in there until he's old enough to have his own tablet etc to load them on to digitally.

BackieJerkhart · 12/09/2017 11:34

That's horrible. Poor child. My sons have photos of them and their dad all over their rooms. I also have photos on my phone of them with their dad and step mum at a family event despite the fact that I don't speak to either of them. I knew in years to come my sons would want a photo of the four of them together at this significant event. Their step mum offered to stand out of the photo and I said no way. It's not about me but the DCs. That photo is for them!

Graphista · 12/09/2017 11:48

I'm the RP, I've been separated from dds dad almost 15 years, he cheated, her now stepmum was OW.

I have NEVER objected to her having or displaying ANYTHING from my ex, his 2nd wife and their children. They are dds family too. Heartbreaking for me in the early days but that's not dds problem.

The weird thing is my ex OBJECTS/ED to my dd taking/having anything from home when going to his for contact. Wouldn't let her contact me, refer to me, talk about me...

He's in the military so she was quite a distance away for contact which especially when she was little worried her.

This (and several other issues) are why she won't visit now (she's 16 he hasn't seen her in nearly 5 years as he wouldn't organise his arse properly, he calls once a year).

Parents on whatever side of the divide need to grow the fuck up and do what's best for the child.

That said don't engage him in further subterfuge from your side he has enough crap to deal with by sounds of things. Carry on being a lovely stepmum.

Btw my ex's wife as a stepmum is lovely, SHE has stayed in touch with dd and lets dd know how her half-siblings are doing and speak to them etc

TinselAngel · 12/09/2017 12:51

I wonder if I'm a bit guilty of something similar to this. Not long after DD's Dad and I split up, she came back from a weekend with him with a fridge magnet with a photo of the two of them on it, taken at a Sea Life Centre.

I didn't want to look at my ex's face in my home every time I opened my fridge, so said she should take it back to her Dad's and they could maybe give it to his parents.

He then posted on twitter about how terribly unreasonable I was.

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 12:58

TinselAngel I actually agree with you there though, there's no need for it to go on the fridge but I suppose in your shoes I'd have popped it on something in the child's bedroom like on the radiator or anything else metal (or blu tack it on!)
The photos we let stepson take home were intended for him to pop in his photo album or whatever, i wouldn't have wanted him to take a fridge magnet photo home because then I would feel it is taking the mick a bit

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Tearsoffrustration · 12/09/2017 18:06

I think it's a lovely thing that you did for your stepson - I have an email folder that I forward all the photos ex sends to me of him and Ds so that DS has them when he's older (I know ex is not the best at printing off photos ) if he sent me one of him with ex's gf in I would do the same (I would like to think - hasn't happened yet)

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 20:01

tearsoffrustration thank you that's really nice of you! It's really admirable that you and your ex are able to email photos to each other, I think if my partner emailed his ex photos she would try reporting him for harassment or something she's done more absurd things than that in the past! We look forward to when he's older and has smartphone/tablet (whatever is normal for kids have these days, I remember Argos advertising Nokia 3310's to kids and me as a child wondering what on earth kids needed them for ) then if he wants photos he can just hook up to the laptop and take what he likes! It's a shame she reacted the way she did because if stepson decided he wants a photo collage etc of all his family inc his mums at our house we'd take him out to choose a frame

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JWrecks · 12/09/2017 20:17

Ohhhhh that is SO sad. :( The poor little guy. I'm sorry, I've got no advice to offer - I can't think what I'd do in such a situation - I've only got sympathy. Oh that breaks my heart and makes me want to cry for him.

And I must say, you sound like you're doing a good job step parenting.

Ttbb · 12/09/2017 20:22

Does his father know? I would be livid if I were him.

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 12/09/2017 20:58

JWreks thank you Ive not had children of my own yet but I'm trying my best without overstepping!
Ttbb yep the father /my partner knows, he's not livid just disappointed for his son. Thing is the mother isn't hurting us or making us angry, though I wonder if she likes to think she is. We're adults and we have framed photos all over the house, it makes no difference to us personally apart from feeling sorry for the kid! All we can do is do our best by him

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Bluebell878275 · 13/09/2017 14:06

My husband's ex is very similar. I bought a plastic 'photo ball' thing for my DSD to hang in her room. It had miniature pics of me and her dad and the/her animals we have at our home. We wanted something for her to look at if she missed us while at her mums. A few weeks later she said that it looked like it had been broken with scissors..... My DSD loved the photo ball - the only explanation is her mother....

We send DSD Birthday/Christmas cards to her mums just so she has something from us on the day. At least two times that we know of my DSD has not seen the cards. My husband confronted the ex and she smirked and said we need to take it up with Royal Mail - she clearly chucked them.

Many, many more things have happened. DSD also did the 'don't remember' thing as well. Not that we ever pushed to know what she does with her mum - it was just conversation. She was/is very controlled by her mother but now she's 15 it's a lot easier to handle. Her and her mother don't have a good relationship - totally her mum's fault for making it obvious how much she hates my husband and me.

It takes time but you just have to carry on doing nice things like that - your DSS needs to be able to trust that you and his Dad will behave normally.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 13/09/2017 14:14

It's not fair that so many NRP do the fun stuff and not the grind, I agree with that.

You can go round in circles with that. It's not fair that the DM had an affair and left, which broke up the family making the Ops partner the NRP.

alltouchedout · 13/09/2017 14:20

Poor kid. I sort of understand the not wanting photos of you (but still, he's not asking to plaster the walls with them, just keep them in an album) but refusing to allow him to have photos of his dad in the house? That's really unkind and is putting her feelings above his. How unpleasant and unfair.

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 13/09/2017 15:20

Bluebell878275 that sounds so much like my DSS' mum! I sent him a Christmas card from the cats last year with their paw stamps on and he said he got it.. but I think if she had known she wouldn't have given it!
I'm doing a little Halloween party for him on half term (I say party but just me DP and DSS can't wait)
PigletWasPoohsFriend when she left she actually left DSS with my DP and he was the RP but she flipped after a few months and refused to return him home and was hostile to contact so that's when proceedings started.
alltouchedout yeah, I do understand but as you say no one expected her to look at them or whatever they were for her little boy to enjoy. The irony is I've never sought to interfere with matters between DP and his ex(DM) and contact but DM has tried to force my DP to arrange to see DSS through her new fella that she left my DP for and had him turn up for pick ups etc... she is such a hypocrite it's unreal. I don't get involved at all! I wonder if she will ban photos of DSS friends that she doesn't like!

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DisneyMillie · 13/09/2017 17:33

I think it's very sad his mum can't let him have the photos - in his room if she doesn't want them where she is.

My dd has photos of her and her dad up in her room as well as photos of her little brother and her dad and his wife on their wedding day. she likes to feel close to them which I understand.

I'd rather not have the magnet on my fridge of them all that he sent her home with from a day out (I feel partly to irritate me!! (We get on well - he's just a pain sometimes!) but I can live with that too.

Original poster

Aeriefairy · 13/09/2017 18:27

DisneyMillie what about putting the magnet in your child's room on a metal surface or blue tacked? I understand anyone's objections to having their ex's face on the fridge! But the kid could have it on something in her room

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PixieChemist · 25/09/2017 20:12

There is absolutely no way I would want photos of DSD's mum on display in our house. It would make me feel so uncomfortable. But... she's bat shit crazy and I actively go out of my way to avoid seeing her because she just causes trouble.

That said, if they were in a photo album I'd have no objection.

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