Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

[GeordieBadgers]

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

I think you're prob BU I'm afraid. Has it also been 10 days since he saw his DD? Can the romantic meal happen after she's gone to bed?

I'm sure lots will say you have to put up with it, but I'm on the same page as you Op.

I feel like a second-class citizen in my own life most of the time due to OH and his ex floating around with last-minute arrangements that impact me but I am the last to know.

I've been on it for 2.5 years and it's not got any better. Worse if anything, I'm sorry to say that I think it will be main reason for the end of our relationship

She is 6. Your relationship has only existed for 9 months. Of course he wants to see her as soon as he gets back. He'd be a crappy father if he didn't want to see his child as often as possible.

crusoe16 he sits with her in her bedroom until she has gone to sleep, which is normally 9.30pm, sometimes 10pm.

If he's been away 10 days then surely he hasnt seen DD in that time either - and in fact maybe longer - assuming he didn't see her the day he left.

She is 6 - so will be in bed by 8 or may even go home; so you have plenty of time to have a romantic meal - what were you going to do with your 2 kids?

If I'd been away for 10 days the first people I'd want to catch up with would be my kids. You say 10 days is a long time apart for you - can you imagine how much longer it feels for a 6 year old? And surely he has missed some contact because of it which he is now making up for?

Saying that, if you are struggling then it's okay to think about whether this relationship really works for you. Being a step-parent isn't for everyone and underlying resentment can't be good for any of the 3 kids involved here.

You come back after ten days away, who would you rather spend time with first, your kids or him?

OH and his ex floating around with last-minute arrangements that impact me but I am the last to know

Yes, this.

Do you have any DC?

HRarehoundingme my DC will be with my ex. He's the primary parent.

I think the being away 10 days is a bit by the by. Trying to make a step family work without a regular contact pattern is actually the main issue I reckon. Routine and knowing what to expect and when is best for the child let alone the adults involved. I see no reason why a 6 year old wouldn't have a set contact routine?

It was the 24 hours notice I was upset about (as per thread title) not the fact he wanted to see DD, but rather him misleading me.

Routine and knowing what to expect and when is best for the child let alone the adults involved. I see no reason why a 6 year old wouldn't have a set contact routine?

Thank you. I totally agree. My DC have a very set routine and everyone is happy with it.

The 24 hours notice thing is naughty but I think you have let this go if he hasn't seen her for 10 days. That classes as extenuating circumstances in my book.

The staying with her until she's asleep, sometimes until 10pm doesn't sound great. That would concern me more.

So do mine - I might lose my mind if they didn't! Also I'm not surprised that child struggles to settle at night with that little notice which bed she's sleeping in

crusoe16 What can I do? I've voiced my concerns.

The only thing you can do is decide if this is the relationship for you. You have only been together a very short time. Last minute changes may work for him and his ex, he is probably happy with his parenting choice to stay upstairs with his dd for a few hours.

You can't force them to change, but you can decide if the two of you, your routines and parenting styles are compatible. Nothing would keep me away from my dc if I'd not seen them for 10 days.

We have a lot of last minute changes to contact which aren't really anyone's fault but because we have teens with busy lives. We've found Google calendar to be really helpful at keeping each other in the loop.

I presume the contract you're unhappy about is outside the normal routine and arranged because he's not seen DSD for longer than usual? I think it's quite understandable he wants to see her but also quite reasonable to expect him to run any non-emergency changes to the usual routine past you before he agrees to them.

A six year old also ought to be able to settle without a parent in there room and to be asleep well before 9.30, but that's probably a different battle to fight. Maybe forthis time insist he comes back downstairs after settling her, pour you both a drink and have an hour or so grown up time together catching up.

Maybe forthis time insist he comes back downstairs after settling her, pour you both a drink and have an hour or so grown up time together catching up.

She just calls for him. He's made a rod for his own back. Was like this well before I came onto the scene.

If a new girlfriend starts insisting he completely changes the bedtime routing how do you think that will go down? And who will the little girl blame for it?

I don't think you can do anything. Unless he's determined to get her to self-settle, things will stay as they are and it's going to cause problems if you try and intervene. Like Lunar has said, all you can really do is decide if the relationship, given these constraints, is right for you

Lunar1 I've said it's peculiar but I've "insisted" nothing.

Do you guys think most women will put up with this and IABU?

Remember, is that 24 hours notice that upset me more than anything. It sends the message "Your time and schedule counts for nothing"

Looking at it from a different perspective, I assume that if he has been away for 10 days, then he has missed his usual contact days/ overnights? Meaning that the child's mother has stepped in an covered his contact time.

Perfectly acceptable that he should have his dd on return. But that said, this relationship may not suit you at this point in your life.

Something I'm not clear on...do you live with your dp? Ir is he bringing dd to stay at yours on his return?

And we are all voicing that while 24 hour notice usually isn't great that in these circumstances they're understandable.

What does it matter if your meal is a couple of hours later or the next day? Sorry to presume you'd have custody of your dcs.

Bear in mind he might need some guidance with establishing a reasonable contact routine. I had a partner back a few years who was the main carer for his dd, then 6. I adored his dd but found her an anxious unsettled child. I was very blunt with him that he needed to put his foot down with her feckless mother and insist she either saw the dd in a set contact routine or not at all. He was a lovely guy and a great father but just didn't know what he should be expecting and was grateful for the kick up the arse!
That child remained hard work at bedtime and I recall her still coming down past 11. I don't think you can start to address that at all if she is given 24 hours notice where she sleeps.