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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Finding out about contact just 24 hours before

215 replies

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 12:25

I've been with DP for 9 months. We're both in our 30s. He has a DD age 6. I have DS 4 and DD 6. He's currently overseas on business for 10 days (which is quite a long time apart for us). He's is due back tomorrow and has literally just told me that he will have DD. This is the first I heard about it and I was preparing a romantic time alone together for his return.

Am I being a high-maintenance snowflake to feel really dissapointed and let down? :(

This is another occasion in a string of last-minute revelations on his part. I'm even considering ending it. If IABU, please knock me to my senses before I do something I'll regret.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 21/11/2016 20:20

Well presumably he missed his usual contact time when he was away? Presumably he has missed his daughter and if his ex is willing to facilitate extra contact what is the problem?

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 20:23

Most mothers don't have their DC part time so what you consider normal isn't someone else's normal. For your DP his priority is his DD especially if he has worked away for a block period of time. Good for him.This relationship is so new and in this time you have problems with your own DC, their father, a pregnancy which ended with your current partner who is hung up over his ex and has her clothes etc and your upset he has arranged to see her following a long stretch of working away. You don't have to consider your DC every day but it is clear that this man is prioritising his DD. You do need to sort out his chaos because it can't be good for your DCs.

peppatax · 21/11/2016 20:25

Move on OP - been in a similar situation myself and as much as it hurts you'll never come first and it sounds like that is what you want.

WannaBe · 21/11/2016 20:35

I haven't read your previous threads, but it strikes me you are happy just seeing your own children once or twice a week and therefore feel put out that he actually wants to see his child rather than have dinner with you.

It is evident that you are not suited to be in a relationship with someone who has children. That's fine, step parenting isn't for everyone, but your best bet is to end this relationship rather than place expectations on him that he needs to change. He doesn't.

Oh, and 24 hours for a six year old isn't short notice. Most six year olds would happily go for a sleepover at granny's or with a friend/cousin with no notice at all. It's a bit disingenuous to suggest that a child who hasn't seen their other parent for at least ten days would be confused by being told she would be seeing him tomorrow.

Incidentally, I rang my eXH this morning and said thaT I really needed my DS to stay there tonight so essentially I gave him around seven hours notice. He of course agreed, as for whatever discussion he will have had with his DP, that is between them and not my responsibility. His arrangement with his ex clearly works for them. How that impacts on you though is down to him and nothing to do with her.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 20:55

I know you all speak the harsh truth and I thank you for it. Does the following email sound understanding? (I find it easier to communicate stuff like this via email due to my borderline personality disorder; in person I get too emotional). It's just a first draft:

I think you should arrange to have [DD] when you arrive back in UK. There is little point trying to spend time with me whilst worrying about her. You would not enjoy our time together and consequently, neither would I. This isn't me throwing a tantrum, this is me accepting the right solution for you. You will have missed [DD], and she you. She is your flesh and blood, and blood is thicker than water. She's just a kid and your responsibility lies with her. If I am to stay with you, then this is something I need to get used to. I need to accept this lifestyle or leave. I find this lifestyle quite erratic, but maybe that is a failing on my part. I don't cope well with last-minute changes to plans, probably due to my anxiety. Also, because you go on work trips you need to rightlyfully makeup that time with [DD] when you return.

When we met you said you were looking for a "new wife". This was the foundations of our relationship and the foundations for my subsequent expectations. However, as the months have passed it has become clear that the combination of work travel and childcare commitments mean your life has little time/space for a "new wife". I think a casual girlfriend would suit you better. You need someone flexible, detatched, and forgiving. I don't fit this mold. I'm intense. Too intense. And my anxiety issues mean that routine is central to my stability. You and [ex] seem to have an ad-hoc approach to childcare and if that works for you both, that is wonderful for you; But as the third wheel in this dynamic, it is not working for me. The last minute changes to plans are what unsettle me the most. They trigger my anxiety and make feel threatened and insecure. I recognise this is my problem, and I recognise your first family comes first, always.

OP posts:

ladylambkin · 21/11/2016 21:03

My advice is not to send that email it doesn't seem understanding or rational at all..this seems too much like hard work 9 months in.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 21:06

What is not rational about it? I have tried to accept responsibility for things not working out. As the one with the personality disorder it is probably all my fault anyway and he's a perfect parent who deserves better.

How would you reword it?

OP posts:

YoScienceBitch · 21/11/2016 21:08

Don't send that.

stitchglitched · 21/11/2016 21:08

I think that email sounds quite manipulative personally. All that blood is thicker than water stuff, really? Just because he wants to see his child after being away for 10 days.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 21:14

OK guys, back to the drawing board. I'm crap with stuff like this. shall redraft and post back.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 21:18

I agree with other posters he hasn't done anything wrong by the email your implying he has by stating that due to a last minute change you describe him it as ad-hoc approach to childcare, not everyone works standard shifts he works away so sees his DD rightly so when he returns, you sound jealous of his time with her and it shows it in that email. You only need a simply this isn't working out for me.

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 21:20

Short and sweet. I do think you need to shift your focus and engery on your own DC you speak of them quite coldly about them in your previous threads.

YoScienceBitch · 21/11/2016 21:21

Oh my god don't email anything!
Just go, "ok cool."
And leave it at that.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 21:22

New draft:

I think you should arrange to have [DD] when you arrive back in UK. There is little point trying to spend time with me whilst worrying about her. You would not enjoy our time together and consequently, neither would I. This isn't me throwing a tantrum, this is me accepting the right solution for you. You will have missed [DD], and she you. Also, as you go on work trips you need to rightlyfully makeup that time with [DD] when you return. She's just a kid and your responsibility lies with her. If I am to stay with you, then this is something I need to get used to. I need to accept this lifestyle or leave. Personally, I find this lifestyle quite erratic, but maybe that is a failing on my part. I don't cope well with last minute changes to plans, probably due to my anxiety.

When we met you said you were looking for a "new wife". This was the foundations of our relationship and the foundations for my subsequent expectations. However, as the months have passed it has become clear that the combination of work travel and childcare commitments mean your life has little time/space for a "new wife". I think a casual girlfriend would suit you better. You need someone flexible, detatched, and forgiving. I don't fit this mold. I'm intense, needy and seek a high level of intimacy. My anxiety issues mean that routine is central to my stability. You and [ex] seem to have an ad-hoc approach to childcare and if that works for you both, that is wonderful; But as the third wheel in this dynamic, it is not working for me. The last minute changes to plans are what unsettle me the most. They trigger my anxiety and make feel threatened and insecure. I recognise this is my problem, and I recognise your first family comes first, always.

I will put your keys in [location] and perhaps see you on Friday after work? 4 more days won't make too much difference on top of the 10 we have already spent apart. It is better for everyone if I get used to this lifestyle sooner rather than later. If I can not hack it, then I am not the right woman for you.

OP posts:

Chipscheesentomatosauce · 21/11/2016 21:26

I think you're very rude to say a causal girlfriend would suit him better! Someone "detached" and "forgiving"! FFS. Forgiving of what? Detached from what? There are plenty of women who would give his situation the understanding him and his DD deserve. You can't. Not his fault, not yours. But do not send anything like what you have written above.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 21:32

Underthemoonlight As I said in my OP, last minute changes to plans happen all the time with him. Hence, the ad-hoc remark.

Oh my god don't email anything!
Just go, "ok cool."

I wish I had initially but he took me by surprise. The exchange went (via whatsapp) like this:

Him: What would you say if I had DD on Thursday?
Me: Like, tomorrow?
Him: Yes.
Me: I'd say, have fun.
Him: Unfair on you?
Me: Why tell me the day before?????
Him: Okay I will have her Wednesday.
Me: I said have her. Just forget about me. Enjoy your clean house.

[I cleaned the house as a surprise to welcome him back]

[Shit gets real at this point and I pretend I have to go because I can feel a BPD meltdown coming on]

Yes, yes I get what you're saying. He's perfect and I'm the wicked witch, hence my emailing detailing that I take responsibility and he must carry on as he is.

OP posts:

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 21:32

Honestly, get a grip. His daughter will ALWAYS be his priority, not you. Stop being so self centred. Why don't the three of you go out for a meal together, then let him put her to bed while you have a bath and then have each other all to yourselves from 10pm. What do you think married couples do??? My husband is also away for days at a time- I don't ship my kids off for a few days when he gets back as I want to see him first. Get real

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 21:33

Scrap the whole email, you just need to say it's not working out

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 21:33

"detached" and "forgiving"! FFS.

Yeah, for constant last-minute changes to plans. I never fuck him around where my kids are concerned.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 21:34

Op you seriously need to get a grip as I said you speak coldly about our own DC he priorities her why not take the opportunity to do the same and see your DC

flossietoot · 21/11/2016 21:36

Yes, well maybe he thinks differently to you. That's life. Not everybody has the same priorities.

CocoaX · 21/11/2016 21:36

I get the need for stability - my DD's dad works shifts and we have an ad hoc visiting schedule, she goes if he is free on a weekend and she is not busy. It stressed me for a while as I felt I could not organise things for her, but now I just go with it and take her there when it works. I am the RP; he does check with his now wife if I ask him to look after DD, rather than him asking if she can visit.

But generally the anxiety around it was my issue to solve not his. So I would not send that email because you are making your concerns his, if that makes sense. For me, the issue to resolve with XH was how or if to plan in visits for DD when he was doing irregular hours, not the fact that it made me stressed to not know from one week to the next. Your DP is not responsible for managing your emotions, you are.

Original poster

GeordieBadgers · 21/11/2016 21:37

My husband is also away for days at a time- I don't ship my kids off for a few days when he gets back as I want to see him first. Get real

Whose kids?

Anyway, I'm agreeing with you guys. He should absolutely see his DD. I just wish he had told me about it! The whole problem is misleading me that we'd have a romantic reunion (this was not an assumption on my part; we even planned what I would cook and the sex, etc). And then 24 hours beforehand, after I do all the prep, he springs DD on me. No warning.

And if you guys think you'd flutter your eyelashes at that and say "cool" then you are miles better women than I am.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 21/11/2016 21:40

'Just forget about me' is more martyrish, manipulative nonsense. In one of your other threads you said you hate having your children anymore than necessary and I think you are unfairly expecting that mindset from your boyfriend too. But him wanting to see his child is perfectly normal. It's also a positive thing for his daughter. You could just bite your tongue and not make his contact arrangements all about you.

Underthemoonlight · 21/11/2016 21:40

You totally focus on your own needs op, in the last thread you were calling him saying he was controlling and messaging in his ex constantly that she was in the progress of getting a non molesation order, now your upset he wants to his DD

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